Honour Among Death Eaters
by Penelope Muir
Summary: As the war rages on, Severus Snape and Lily Evans cross paths once again and find themselves on a dangerous road of love and betrayal that will shape the fate of the Wizarding World. Meanwhile, Regulus struggles to deal with the reality of his choices.
1. Prologue A

Honour Among Death Eaters

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter Universe and all Harry Potter characters are copyright of J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros., and they were used without permission. Should their be any objection to their usage, this story will be immediately removed. This story is not written with any intention of making money.

Notes:

Story is set Post-Hogwarts/Before Voldemort's first fall

Pairings: Severus and Lily (primary); Narcissa and Lucius

Also includes friendships of Severus and Regulus; Severus and Lucius.

**Prologue**

**Part A**

She was like an angel.

He'd noticed her a week or so before when he'd been sitting up a tree down by the lake. She and another girl had been playing some muggle game, he presumed. He'd been content to just sit up the tree reading one of the books he'd taken from his grandfather's library on his last visit. The girls didn't notice him and he wasn't much concerned with them either. That was until he glanced down at the red-head just in time to see her kneel down by the lake and call to the other girl. The larger one hurried over to her.

"Look, Tuney," she giggled, placing her hand a few inches above the water.

After a few seconds the water slowly began to ripple.

"Look! I'm not touching it, see!"

"Lily, you shouldn't do that," the older girl said, disapprovingly, "Mum won't like it."

Severus had almost fallen from the tree in shock as he watched the incident pass between the two girls. Since that moment he'd been intrigued. He'd seen her only twice since then but it was enough to confirm his suspicions. She was a witch! She had to be! And, overcome with the excitement that he finally had someone his age to talk to about magic; he had frequently sought her out since.

But now he was nervous. She was alone this time, swinging back and forth on a swing in the playground.

"Pretty girl."

Severus almost jumped out of his skin as someone spoke behind him. He flipped around to look at his older brother; "Oh. Hey."

"Girls don't take too kindly to stalkers, Severus," Cadence smirked.

"I'm not stalking!" Severus straightened indignantly, though not entirely sure what his brother meant, "I was just watching. Look, she's a witch," he turned back at her. As she had been doing before, she jumped from the swing, remaining in the air for longer and travelling further than one would consider normal.

"Yeah," Cadence nodded, looking serious, before continuing, "Mudblood. I've noticed her. You'd best stay clear of her."

"Mudblood?" Severus looked at him with a frown, "What's that?"

"Someone who isn't worth our time."

"Oh," Severus responded, disappointed, before turning to look back at the girl on the swing. She'd gone.

Severus peered around the bedroom door and was relieved to see that, rather than curled up on the bed in tears (as was now a common occurrence), his mother was sitting at her vanity table putting on some muggle make-up. He watched her for a moment, not wanting to disturb her. She hummed quietly as she lifted brush after brush, gracefully applying the different powers to her face. Severus smiled slightly at the scene. His mother rarely looked so at peace anymore.

At that moment her eyes met his in the mirror and she smiled at him, lowering the brush she was holding down onto the table, "Hello, Sweetheart."

He walked into the room, "Hi mum." He settled down on the edge of her bed, "I didn't mean to disturb you."

Eileen gave a small laugh, "You need never fear about doing that, Severus."

He resisted the urge to remark on the irony of her statement, considering just the night before she had literally pushed him from the room when he had gone in to see her, having heard her sobs. Instead he gave a forced, awkward smile in response and swung his legs back and forth.

She kept her eyes on him for a moment before she turned back to the mirror and resumed applying her make-up. Severus shifted awkwardly on the bed before clearing his throat.

"Mum?"

"Yes, Sweetheart?"

"What's a mudblood?"

Eileen's hand stopped; her make-up brush just mere centimetres from her cheek. She met his eyes again in the mirror, a small furrow in her brow. She slowly lowered her hand to the table, "Has Cadence been saying things to you? Did he call you that?"

Severus shook his head, perplexed, "No. He called this girl we saw it. She's a witch, I think. I've noticed her. But when Cadence saw her he said she was one."

"I see."

"So; what is it?"

Eileen shifted uncomfortably before turning in her seat to look at him, "A mudblood is someone who is born of non-magical heritage."

"Like, a muggle?"

"Yes," she nodded, "When a witch or wizard have muggle parents. But it isn't an appropriate term to use. Muggle-born is what they are known as."

"Is it bad? Being muggle-born?"

Eileen looked thoughtful for a moment, "Well, some wizards believe it is best that only pureblood wizards practice magic. Muggle-borns are often seen as inferior."

"Why?"

"Because they are not of magical heritage."

"Dad's a muggle. Am I a mudblood?" Severus looked curious.

"No, Severus, you're not," Eileen said, with a firmness that suspended any further questioning, and with that she turned back to the mirror. "Have you spoken to this witch you saw?"

"No. Cadence said I shouldn't."

"Same age as you?"

"I think so."

There was a moment of quiet before she spoke again, "I think it would be a good thing for you to make friends with a witch your age."

Severus kept his eyes on his mother; but his mind wandered back to the pretty redhead he'd seen at the playground. He nodded slightly and hopped down from the bed, intending to return to where he'd often seen her, "I'm going out, Mum."


	2. Prologue B

**Prologue**

**Part B**

Lily Evans wasn't like anyone he'd ever met before.

She laughed at the smallest things; sometimes he would just look at her and she would burst out laughing. Apparently his 'seriousness' was amusing to her. But he didn't mind. He liked her laugh. It was carefree and genuine, something he rarely heard at home. His mother rarely laughed anymore but when she did it was always tainted; a veil that barely concealed her desolation. Since his sixth year at Hogwarts Cadence had been spending more and more time with some anti-muggle wizarding lot he rarely spoke about, so even his presence was a rarity. His father, on the other hand, laughed quite often these days; though his was generally a malicious cackle.

Yes. Severus liked Lily's laugh very much.

She turned to him with a wide smile, "So, will you come to my birthday party this Saturday?"

Severus could swear he felt his stomach flutter as he shifted, nervously, "I dunno. I don't really know your friends."

"Oh, that doesn't matter," Lily waved a hand, dismissively, "They'll like you."

He very much doubted that.

"Please? It won't be the same without you," she insisted, "I have a birthday cake; my mum made it. It's just like that one we had at Christmas, remember? You liked that!"

Severus shifted, uncomfortably. To be honest, he did want to go to Lily's that day. He just didn't want to go when a house full of other kids would be there.

"Can't I come over after the party? We could watch that film you like instead? I heard it's on that night," he offered, hopefully. He hated that film – what was it? Some Wizard of Oz or something – but if it got him out of the party in the afternoon he didn't mind. He'd still see her after all.

Lily laughed, "You hate that film."

"Well, it's your birthday. I don't mind if it's for a special occasion," he smirked.

"Oh well, if you insist!" she rolled her eyes, dramatically, "But you still have to come to the party. It starts at five. I'll ask if you can sleep over, then we could stay up all night!"

"I'd really rather not come to the party, Lil," he resisted.

"Oh, please, Sev? It's my tenth! I can't celebrate without my best friend!"

Severus felt the flutter in his stomach again.

He looked at her hopeful expression and couldn't help the small smile that tugged at his lips, "Yeah, all right."

She giggled delightedly and threw her arms around him, "It'll be great! I'll ask my mum if you can stay when I get home. She'll say yes, though, so you might as well tell your mum tonight. And don't worry, we don't have to watch The Wizard of Oz. We can watch something we both like. Like Dad's Army? That's on on Saturdays!"

Severus couldn't help smiling as she continued to speak excitedly.

* * *

As always, trouble was amiss in the Snape household. Severus could tell the minute he walked through the door; he could hear hushed, but by no means gentle, voices coming from the his brother's bedroom. Cautiously he made his way up the stairs. He peered through the planks of the barriers of the banister; in Cadence's room, his mother had his back to him while his brother furiously stuffed handfuls of clothing into a rucksack. 

"Cadence, please, stay…"

"Please stay?" he heard his older brother hiss furiously, "Please stay and endure another beating from Tobias? Please stick around and watch me walk around miserably while my kids go hungry because my husband keeps drinking away every penny we have?"

Severus flinched as Cadence threw his rucksack onto the bed and headed towards his dresser.

"I'm sick of this," he continued, "He's not _my_father. Not _my _family. Why should I have to put up with muggle filth because you were stupid enough to marry the bastard?"

"Watch your language!" Eileen snapped.

"Here's me running away and my mother's concerned about my manners," he heard Cadence utter.

"You are _not _running away," his mother stated, grabbing his rucksack, "Like it or not, young man, this _is _your family. Think of your brother.,."

"Maybe it's about time _you _started thinking about him," Cadence hissed, "You think he's better of here? You know kids get treated like filth at school because their parents are good for nothing muggles? Didn't think about that when you married him, did you? Think about the filth his polluted their veins with!"

"How dare you speak this way!"

"The wizarding world is a mess; mudbloods and half-bloods are everywhere. Wizards dressing like muggles; cooking like muggles; marrying muggles! It's disgusting!"

"That's not you talking," Eileen insisted, "That's these new friends of yours. These racists…"

"It's no wonder grandma never speaks to you," Cadence continued, "She knew what you were doing was wrong. But did you listen, no. And for what?" he spat, "For that drunk slumped in his chair downstairs?" He snatched his rucksack out of his mother's hand and shoved a framed photo of himself and Severus into it before pulling it closed.

"Severus better than that," he hissed, "And I hope you're ashamed. I hope when he comes to you and asks you why people spit at him that you want the ground to swallow you whole; I hope when the war starts and he doesn't know what side he should be on you look in the mirror and hate yourself. I hope he hates you for this as much as I do."

With that he stormed past her and into the hallway, making his way to the stairs.

Severus raised his eyes to his brother's as Cadence stopped in his tracks. A moment of silence ensued before the elder of the two slowly made his way down the stairs as he flung his rucksack over his shoulder. He offered him a weak smile, "Hey little man."

Severus barely knew how to respond.

Cadence reached over and ruffled his hair before kneeling in front of him. He paused for a moment before looking him directly in the face, "You know Severus; you're better than this."

Severus shook slightly as he stared back at his older brother; the boy he had idolised for years. He turned and ran from him.

"Severus, wait!"

"Sevvy?" The last he heard was his mother's confused call as he slammed the door of the house and ran. Where, he didn't know. He didn't care. Because from what he'd just heard, it didn't matter where he was. He'd always be filth. Here and at Hogwarts.


	3. My Head, My Heart I

Honour Among Death Eaters

A raging inferno glowed in the night. 

Anguished cries were carried on by the northern wind. The heat from the blaze warmed the after dark chill. As the black smoke began to choke nearby observers the small crowd eased back. The people at the scene were acting almost as wild as the fire before them. Rushing here and there; shouting; sobs.

Their own activity had stopped. They watched from the trees. Not hiding; they'd made themselves known. There was nothing left to be done but watch as the house slowly crumbled into ash.

Severus felt Regulus shift beside him and glanced at him; the unease on his face was apparent. He elbowed him in the ribs. With a grunt Regulus quickly looked at him before regaining his composure, he cast a cautious glance towards Lucius, who continued to watch the scene with cold indifference. Regulus turned back to the spectacle, a dispassionate look overcoming his features as he did so.

This was only the fifth time Regulus had been out on a Death Eater assignment, having only just been accepted into the fold three months prior. And at each of these incidents Severus had noticed the same thing; that Regulus wasn't cut out to be a Death Eater. If it had not been for his own desire to survive, Severus doubted he would have been able to fight back against the Aurors that had appeared several times.

Severus liked the boy though. He was only a year younger than him, yet he couldn't help seeing him that way. His attitude, especially, was particularly boy-like. He was cheeky and chatty; just like his awful older brother, but in a way that didn't ooze arrogance and immaturity. He was always willing to play a good prank on someone though; the surprising thing to Severus had been that _he_was never on the receiving end of any of them.

Both Severus and Regulus were sponsored by Lucius; it was he who had brought them to the Dark Lord and pledged that they were the right men for the cause. Consequently, the two of them were cautious around him; he was particularly harsh with them when they made any errors. And upon Regulus' joining of them, Lucius had entrusted Severus with keeping him in line.

Severus had been involved with the Death Eaters for a year; had graduated in the summer of 1978 and joined them in the fall. It was what was expected. No one was surprised.

Lucius glanced at his timepiece, becoming bored with the scene before them, "We'll call it a night. Job well done." With a look and a nod at Severus and Regulus, he turned, his robe billowing behind him as he walked briskly for a few steps before stopping and turning, disapparating.

As the other Death Eaters present disapparated to their own homes, Severus grasped Regulus' wrist before he could do the same, "Wait a minute." Regulus didn't appear surprised by the request and waited. Severus was quiet until the last of the Death Eaters had left.

Severus raised an eyebrow at him, "You looked like you were going to vomit out there."

"Surprised I managed to hold it in," Regulus joked, nervously.

"This isn't a laughing matter," Severus rolled his eyes as he set off on a walk, "You're lucky Lucius didn't notice."

Regulus waved a dismissive hand as he walked alongside him, "Don't need to worry about him. He's family."

"Considering that his own neck's on the line if you don't play the part right, family isn't going to be much of a help to you," Severus stated.

Regulus didn't respond. He was too shaken by the previous events to think properly. The two walked in companionable silence for small while before Regulus turned to Severus with a grin, "So, plans tonight?"

He was met with a silence that wasn't broken until he thought he wouldn't receive an answer; "It's two o' clock in the morning."

"Exactly!" Regulus beamed, "Party time. What do you think?"

Severus glanced out the corner of his eye at him, "You know me; party animal. Just can't stop me."

Regulus gave a short laugh, "Come on, lighten up, you're not forty yet. When's the last time you had a good time? There's more to life than killing mudbloods."

Severus swore his blood turned to ice in his veins at the statement. He kept quiet.

"There's this decent place in Hogsmead just opened a couple of weeks ago," Regulus stated, "How about we go check it out?

Severus sighed; socialising wasn't his specialty, nor was it something high on his list of favourite things to do. But he supposed he should make some effort; this was possibly the sixth time Regulus had asked him to go out with him and a few other Death Eaters in the past month. With a shrug he responded, "Fine."

Regulus looked stunned for a moment, "Really?"

Severus gave a stiff nod in response.

………….

Lucius stared at the ceiling as he lay in bed; thoughts of the night's events remained in his mind. The man and woman he had killed; the screams of their two daughters as they watched it. In the end he had spared them; after all, it was only necessary for the parents to die for Frank Longbottom to get the message.

He felt cold. His hands shook as he pulled the covers further up over himself. He closed his eyes; waited a few moments, before he tossed the duvet from him and made his way over to the door that separated his own chambers from that of his wife's. He hesitated with his hand on the doorknob. It was three in the morning; Narcissa would surely be asleep. He drew in a small breath threw his nose before attempted to open the door; it was unlocked. It often was now.

The door creaked as he stepped into the warm room and he made a mental note to have a house elf deal with it. It creaked again as he slowly closed it behind him but the sleeping figure in the bed barely stirred.

Lucius walked closer to her; his eyes on her as she lay blissful asleep. She was everything that was good; beautiful, pure, loyal. At this moment she looked like an angel. He cautiously sat next to her on the bed and as he did so was hit softly with the light smell of the perfume she had been wearing that evening at dinner. The smell of smoke mixed with the delicate fragrance; like a black cloud imposing on a blue sky.

He reached a hand towards her but hesitated as his fingers barely touched her soft curls. He held it there for a moment; her soft breath against his wrist. Slowly he withdrew his hand and rose from the bed. Quietly he returned to his own chambers.

As the door closed behind him a small smile tugged at the side of his wife's lips.

…………….

The pub was packed, so Severus and Regulus had situated themselves against one of the banisters. The frequent lighting up of cigarettes by those within the building easily disguised the smell of smoke that had clung to their robes. Severus shifted, uncomfortably, as music blared from one of the music boxes.

He hadn't drunk alcohol since he was fifteen years old, when he and Lily had snuck out with champagne and vodka over Christmas break. Both had ended up passed out on his roof after less that a couple of hours of drinking and both had woken freezing, with a pounding headache and a strong, frequent urge to vomit before managing to reach the bathroom. Consequently the two of them had spent another hour shivering on the roof, emptying their stomachs of the 'poison' into the neighbouring garden. They found the story amusing after they'd recovered a couple of days later; but both agreed that alcohol wasn't something they were keen to try again.

Now here he was with Regulus and currently on his seventh glass of firewhisky. And he was quite certain he hadn't inherited his father tolerance for alcohol. He barely reacted when another wizard had bumped into him and spilled some of his drink down his robes.

Regulus was babbling again.

"Ooft, check her out," he said, with a nod at some woman on the dance floor.

Severus cast a brief glance in which the room didn't even stop spinning enough for him to see her and uttered, "Very nice." He took another gulp from his glass.

"Pace yourself. We've only been here an hour."

Severus didn't respond to the ludicrous comment; just forty five minutes ago the boy had been insisting 'drink up, drink up!'

Regulus was still talking; still going on about the women on the dance floor who were probably ten years older than him. Severus was almost stunned back into soberness by the boy's next question; "You a virgin?"

Severus turned his black eyes to him, focusing on him, zoning in on him, "What?"

"I asked if you're a virgin," Regulus repeated, loudly, which, had he not been drunk at that moment, would have mortified Severus beyond belief.

"No," came Severus' firm response. "Why?" he asked, though the tone of the word barely changed to make it sound as if he was asking.

"Just wondering," Regulus shrugged, taking a long drink from his glass, "I am," he said, this time much quieter than he had been, "I mean, I've done other stuff, just not that. What's it like?"

A feeling of nausea suddenly overcame Severus; he wasn't sure whether to blame the alcohol or the idiot who was talking to him. He was silent as he attempted to steady his breathing. After a few moments the feeling slowly passed.

"Well?" Regulus persisted.

Severus managed to muster up a glare to send towards him in response, as he raised an unsteady hand to take another drink.

"Oh, sorry," Regulus was suddenly speaking animatedly again, "No need to worry. I've heard lots of guys have trouble the first time."

The alcohol Severus had just sipped promptly left his mouth, spraying over the banister.

With a cough he snapped, "I never said that. It's none of your business."

Regulus lifted his hands up in mock defeat, "Hey, no need to get touchy, Sev."

"And don't call me that," Severus added, wiping the liquid from his lips, "If you're so interested why don't you go try it yourself." He nodded vaguely in the direction of the dance floor.

Regulus spoke again, agreeing with the suggestion, and attempted to take Severus along with him. Severus, however, insisted he would rather remain where he was (_where he had something to hold on to)_ and shooed the boy away. With only his own company, and surrounded by many other drunks in the crammed building, he leaned forward heavily on the wooden railing. He attempted to focus on the activities before him; a large group of people crowded the bar waiting to be served; people were crammed together like sardines on the dance floor; men stood laughing, toasting, drinking shots. Then something caught his eye off towards the corner of the room; Lily.

She stood, a drink in hand, laughing and talking animatedly with a couple of other girls. Severus was sure he recognised one of them to be Alice Longbottom. Another feeling of nausea came over him as he was reminded of the events that had transpired earlier that evening. Clearly she and her husband weren't aware of it yet. He turned his eyes back to Lily. He hadn't seen her in over a year. Not since the day they had graduated.

As much as Lily had wished to avoid him following their fifth year, they both signed up for the same N.E.W.T classes with the exception of one. As a result their sixth and seventh years saw a tentative tolerance of his company. She would agree to work with him on certain projects; potions, in particular, as she had often relied on his advice regarding that area. So they went from best friends to classmates; they never spoke to one another outside the classroom. And Severus' own resentment began to take hold as she began to spend increasing time with James Potter and his cronies until, ultimately, she began to date him. He decided he could never forgive her.

At that moment she turned and their eyes locked. Severus held it for a moment. She looked uncertain for a second before she lifted a hand, in a small wave. He only stared back at her before he took an awkward step back, turned and quickly strode away.

He hated going out.

* * *

Thanks for the reviews, Conqueror Worm and firsttimewriter! They're much appreciated.

Firsttimewriter – I'm glad you liked the idea of Cadence. I too thought J.K. Rowling's reasons for Severus joining the Death Eaters were a bit vague and thought there must've been more to his decision than just trying to impress a girl who he hadn't spoken to in years. As his mother married a muggle I thought it would be better to introduce a character who would have much stronger prejudices than she to influence Severus' opinions. Thanks again for the review and I'm happy to hear you like Butterfly Effect.


	4. My Head, My Heart II

Chapter Two

Narcissa skimmed through the various event invitations that had arrived over the past couple of days as she stood at the window in the parlour. She was sure Lucius wouldn't want to attend any of them; dinner parties and balls. But anything that meant he would be with her rather than out serving his 'master' was better than nothing. So she concluded that, from the events at hand, they would attend the Rosier's dinner party and the annual ball held by her parents. She tossed the other invitations into the waste bin and made her way to Lucius' study.

She paused at the door for a second before knocking firmly.

"Enter," came his immediate reply.

Narcissa pushed the door open and walked in, giving him a smile as she did so. Lucius put down the quill he was using, placed his hands on the desk and looked at her expectantly. Narcissa closed the door behind her and walked a few feet in front of his desk.

"I just came to inform you of the dates of our next functions," she stated.

Lucius raised an eyebrow before lifting his quill again and tugging over a spare bit of parchment.

"The Rosier's dinner party next Friday," Narcissa said, as Lucius wrote it on the parchment, "And the ball at my parents; September the 27th."

Lucius' hand stopped moving and he looked up at her, questioningly, "Only two?"

Narcissa raised an eyebrow, "I am aware of your busy schedule."

He held her look for a moment before nodding, slowly, and looking down to scribble the date, "Very well. Though I'm sure I could find the time for another if you see any more you would like to attend."

Narcissa was caught off guard by his statement, which seemed to please him. He raised his eyes and smiled at her.

"You were out very late last night."

Lucius nodded and stood, "Business. You know how it can be."

He walked around behind her, "You were asleep when I got back."

He reached up and brushed the hair aside from her neck; "I won't be late tonight." He leaned down and caressed her neck with his lips. He kept his lips close to her ear as he spoke quietly, "Wait up for me." With that he released the hair he had been holding so that it toppled once again over her shoulders and left the room.

* * *

Severus felt awful. He wished he had stuck to the vow he had made when he was fifteen; there was nothing pleasurable about drinking alcohol at all. 

Having emptied his stomach of the breakfast he'd attempted, he made his way downstairs where his mother was sitting watching some muggle television programme; though from the look of her he doubted she was really watching anything at all. Ever since his father's death (for which he was eternally grateful) she had been walking around in a daze. One would have thought she'd be happy he was finally gone and that she could start living her life properly again.

He sat down on the couch near the chair she was sitting in, but she failed to acknowledge him. Since he'd left for Hogwarts the two of them had drifted further and further apart until, finally, in his third year, he began spending Christmas break at Lily's (and Lucius' following their falling out) and only saw his parents in the summer. And only when he couldn't find a better place to be; he had spent his entire summer between his sixth and seventh year at Malfoy Manor. Consequently, when he had had to return to Spinner's End after two years of barely any contact at all, things had been awkward and were complicated further by the unexpected death of Tobias.

He was glad of it at the moment; it meant he had peace to sit and suffer the effects of the night before. Though the peace didn't last long as soon afterwards he received an owl from Lucius stating that there was to be a meeting at the Lestrange's that evening. That was something to not look forward to; he _despised_Bellatrix Lestrange.

* * *

A couple of hours following Lucius' letter a knock sounded. Severus frowned a little in confusion and, with a look at his mother who had by this time fallen asleep, made his way into the hallway. With relief, he noticed he didn't feel quite as nauseous as he had felt earlier. He unbolted the door and opened it a fraction, peering cautiously out at the caller. He frowned, then gave an exasperated sigh as he pulled the door open further, "What are you doing here?" 

Regulus grinned, "Thought I'd come and ask where you got to last night," he stepped into the house.

"How did you find out where I live?" Severus questioned, keeping the door held open, looking at him with irritation.

"Narcissa," he responded, airily, before pushing the door shut that Severus was holding open, "You alone?"

"No," Severus walked towards the staircase, "My mother's here."

And, as if on cue, there she appeared and Severus couldn't believe that, having spent the last two hours in complete silence in his company,_now_ she decided to talk.

"Severus, who's your friend?" Eileen enquired with a friendly smile at Regulus, who paused before heading up the stairs after him.

Severus looked at her, then at Regulus, then back at his mother, but before he could make the introduction Regulus stepped towards her himself with a smile and his hand outstretched, "Regulus Black, ma'am."

Eileen smiled again as she shook his hand, "Well aren't you polite. And a Black too; good family that."

Severus closed and then rolled his eyes as he opened them again.

"Thank you," Regulus smiled, proudly.

"You coming?" Severus said, more harshly than he had intended, but continued up the stairs nonetheless.

With a quick smile at Eileen, Regulus followed him up the stairs. The door was closed firmly behind him as he stepped into what he assumed was Severus' bedroom. It was darkly painted, with the bed unmade and books strewn about on the desk and floor. Seemed all he did was read and attend Death Eater meetings.

"What are you doing here, Regulus?" Severus asked again, as he shook the bedcovers and straightened them. He walked over and flung aside the curtains, allowing sunlight to enter the room.

Regulus shrugged and sat down on the newly-made bed, "Just thought I'd see what you were up to."

Severus eyed him, "And may I ask why?"

Regulus suddenly felt very uncomfortable. He'd assumed that with Severus' agreeing to go out the previous evening that a sort-of friendship had been developed but, from the way he was glaring at him now, he began to seriously reconsider the thought. He cleared his throat and gave an awkward shrug after which, to his surprise, Severus seemed to relax slightly, though he continued to eye him a little.

Severus had sensed his thoughts. It was something he'd gotten better at over the last year; he was beginning to be able to use legilimency as well as he could use occlumency, now with the ability to do so without alerting his 'victim' to what he was doing. Still, sensing Regulus' thoughts only made him more uneasy. Since Hogwarts he'd generally cut himself off from 'friends', with the exception of Lucius, and, from the boy's behaviour, it seemed that his expectation of friendship was similar to what Lily's had been.

Severus looked around, awkwardly, "Did you stay out late?"

Regulus grinned suddenly, "I guess," he said, then added, "I came looking for you, but I couldn't find you. So I went home with one of the women from the pub."

Severus raised an eyebrow, "I see."

Regulus continued with a smirk, "Took your advice, see."

Severus held his look for a moment, before offering a wry smile, "Then I offer you the congratulations you seem to be expecting." Feeling more at ease, he sat down on the chair by his desk.

Regulus looked around and lifted one of the books next to him, _Advanced Occlumency,_ "You read a lot, huh. Can you actually use this?" he waved the book at little.

"Yes," Severus responded, "I am familiar with the skill of using books."

"I meant occlumency," Regulus said, though chuckled a little, "Lucius has been teaching me. Trying, anyway."

Severus shrugged, "I practice," was all he offered in return, "Lucius also insisted I learn it; though I'd already started to from a young age."

Regulus nodded, flicking through the book, "Saw my idiot brother at the pub last night."

Severus instantly tensed.

"Him and that blood traitor, Potter," he continued.

Severus shifted and reached for a book nearby; _Beginner's Occlumency._

"Do you read?" He tossed the book over to him, "If you're having trouble, try that. It's what I started with."

Regulus lifted the book from where it had landed on the bed and flicked through it before looking up at him with a smile and a nod, "Thanks mate. I'll get it back to you soon as I'm done."

Severus waved his hand, dismissively, "Keep it. I don't need it."

Regulus only smiled in response, as he tucked the book into his robes, "You get the message about the meeting tonight?"

"I did," Severus nodded, leaning back on the chair, "Unfortunately."

Regulus frowned a little.

"It's a social meeting," Severus clarified, "But one we're expected to be at. And your cousin is hosting it."

Regulus smirked a little in understanding, "Yeah, Bella can be a bit crazy at times."

_Isn't she always? _Severus thought, but didn't state out loud.

"So, where'd you get to last night?" Regulus asked, leaning back on his hands, "You rush off as soon as I left?"

"I knew you wouldn't desire my company after returning from the dance floor," Severus said, "And, judging from the events that transpired with you, I correctly decided that I may as well have taken my leave."

"So, really, you were you doing me a favour by leaving."

"Indeed."

Regulus grinned.

* * *

Review Responses:

**Chaotic Veins**: I'm glad you like the story so far. Don't worry; I like Lucius too – especially him and Narcissa – though he may seem a little cold after first, he will de-ice by the time I'm done with him. Thanks very much for the review!

**Bemoan**: Thank you for your reviews. I do think a lot of Severus' actions stemmed greatly from a deep-rooted insecurity he felt about himself and his own heritage which I'm trying to portray with this story; him questioning if he was a mudblood is the first indication of this.

As for Cadence, he is a made-up character of mine who will only feature in the prologues. As for the VCR comment, thank you for pointing that out. I was silly enough to look up the films that were around then but forgot to check the coming times of VCRs so I've edited the prologue a little to be true to the time. Thanks again for your reviews! I hope you continue to like the direction the story takes.


	5. My Head, My Heart III

Chapter Three

Regulus was proud to be a Black.

True enough the family had its own fair share of disappointments; Andromeda's marriage to a muggle; Sirius' blood-traitor attitude. But other than those two incidents, the Blacks were one of the oldest and most respected families in the wizarding world, rivalled only by that of the Malfoys, with whom they had recently made an alliance with. And with being a Black comes certain responsibilities; certain beliefs; the main one of which being that purity is all that matters in this world - toujours pur.

Regulus had no problem with that. The fact that a pureblood was superior to that of a half-blood or, worse, a mudblood, was something he was able to recite from the age of three. He couldn't remember ever thinking any differently. So it was only natural that when he came of age he would join the Death Eaters and eliminate the mud from their world. He didn't want his own children to grow up in a world where muggle influence was increasing, where mudbloods and half-bloods were everywhere. The very thought disgusted him.

And yet, as he stood by, wand raised against said witches and wizards as Lucius and Rosier and whoever else tortured them until they were begging for mercy, spilling their deepest secrets, betraying their friends and, finally, killed; he felt guilt. Not just guilt; he felt positively disgusted. He thought of Andromeda and wondered if she would ever be subjected to the same treatment; and he thought of Sirius – as much as he despised his brother he would not wish that upon him. And he thought of the kids he grew up with at school; the mudbloods; the half-bloods. That James Potter's girl was a mudblood. And he'd imagine them in the place of these people. He wondered when it would be _his _duty to perform these ritual tortures. He was yet to see Severus actively participate; perhaps it required a certain respect among his fellow Death Eaters; a certain 'role'. A role he prayed he would never reach.

Despite his disgust at these meetings, it was the battles between the Death Eaters and the Order that made him see the true pointlessness of the conflict. As he faced people he'd known on the other side of the line; Sirius; Andie; Potter. As he watched people die at his feet from both sides; they were all the same. All screaming; all suffering. The blood that was spilled from each person, from a pureblood, a half-blood, a mudblood; it all looked the same.

And his uncertainties were only complicated further by his sort-of 'guide' Severus Snape. He was a half-blood. There only half-blood, as far as he knew, who'd been admitted into Slytherin and the only half-blood who'd been accepted into the fold. Like other Slytherins, he had admired Severus Snape. His knowledge of the Dark Arts had been truly extraordinary when they were at Hogwarts. He had willingly interacted with the other Slytherins when they were not teasing or threatening him about his friendship with a mudblood Gryffindor. He had worshipped the Dark Lord as they all had. He had actively sought him out with the help of Lucius. And he'd been accepted.

But he was a half-blood.

And Regulus couldn't help the questions that came up in the back of his mind. _Why? _If the Dark Lord had been so insistent that purity in the wizarding world was essential; that the evils of muggles and half-bloods and mudbloods had to be eliminated _why _accept one of those people to serve you? Why be impressed by someone of their heritage?

On the other hand, Regulus didn't have a problem with Severus. He had at first been apprehensive regarding him due to his heritage. But over the past few months, with the older Slytherin consistently warning him when he was displaying too much emotion, with his advice regarding their role in the war, he had started to like him. He was funny in a sardonic sort of way; he covered for him when he made a mistake; he gave him tips on curses. He was just like him. Just like anyone; everyone.

That was why he actively made to befriend Severus Snape. It was his first, tiny attempt at rebellion against it all.

* * *

Severus ducked back as another curse was sent his way. He felt someone crash into him from behind and glanced quickly over his shoulder; another Death Eater. Satisfied that it was not an opponent he turned his attention back to Longbottom with whom he had been duelling with. With a quick flick of the wrist he disarmed him and sent a sectumsempra spell which caught his opponent's finger. He immediately turned to find himself face to face with Sirius Black, with whom Severus eagerly sent as many jinxes and curses as he could manage until Sirius had been unable to block the 'crucio' he sent his way.

Regulus Black jumped over his brother's writhing form as he pushed forward towards James Potter, with whom he had been duelling with for several minutes now. As a stinging hex hit him, Lucius swept in and with a silent 'cruio' sent Potter to the ground. Regulus hurriedly readied himself for another adversary as Lily Evans suddenly appeared to send a curse towards Lucius Malfoy.

As it looked as though he would retaliate with a sectumsempra, he fell to the ground as he was hit by a stunning spell. Regulus frowned as he noticed Severus lower his wand from its previous bearing; towards Lucius' back. He watched as the redhead frowned at her masked rescuer for a moment before he was suddenly confronted with Remus Lupin. He barely blocked the jinx the werewolf had sent his way, as the duelling continued.

Severus barely kept his eyes on Lily for a second; she couldn't see him anyway. And as he thought to himself what an idiot he had just been he was suddenly hit with a stunning spell and fell to the ground.

* * *

Severus was exhausted by the time he returned to Spinner's End. Following being stunned by his unknown opponent he had remained unconscious for the remaining five minutes of the attack until Regulus had cast an ennervate spell shortly after it had ended. Severus noted that Regulus had duelled much better then than the previous time however, when mentioning that to him in a sort-of back-handed compliment, Regulus had only nodded in response.

The boy had acted strange as the Death Eaters regrouped at the Lestrange's and Severus wondered at his troubled attitude.

"You're not your usual self this evening," he had remarked.

Regulus had looked at him with a peculiar expression before stating, "I'm just tired." The two had held a look for a moment and Severus thought he could detect a hint of a challenge in the younger man's eye before they quickly turned their attention to Lucius Malfoy, who had appeared before them.

Even during that exchange the usually animated boy had been sober looking, only offering a couple of words to the light conversation between Severus and Lucius until the group dispersed for the evening.

Perhaps the strain of being a Death Eater was becoming too much for the young man. Severus himself had struggled with the happenings that went on when he had joined them. He had been grateful that much of his duties involved potion making; he had already impressed the Dark Lord with his invention of Sectumsempra and the counter-curse on which he was still currently perfecting. As of yet, there had been few requests for new potions from the Dark Lord, consequently, Severus found himself out in the field more often than not.

He preferred to avoid them. And events like tonight were an example of why that was.

It was the first time he had ever come face to face with Lily Evans in battle. The issue of being on opposite sides of the line had often just been a thought, something that was known but had never been actively carried out. His action against Lucius was unforgivable; it had been reflexive. However, Severus was sure no other had seen what he had done, other than Lily herself. He was masked; she couldn't know for sure. It was a slip up he could easily forget.

Severus quietly walked into the living room, hoping not to wake his mother whom he assumed was asleep upstairs. However, much to his surprise and annoyance, as he walked into the room he was immediately greeted by her voice.

"Severus Snape, where have you been out to so late?"

Severus turned an incredulous glare upon his mother. _He was nineteen years old! _Not wishing to answer her, aware that both knew that she knew full well where he had been. He wasn't in the mood for another confrontation with his mother. He silently prayed she'd zone out into one of her depressive moods and headed into the kitchen.

Unfortunately for him she stood and followed him, "Severus, I asked you where you were."

Severus filled a glass of water and gulped a drink from it.

"Sever…"

"You know where I was," he snapped, cutting her off.

They were silent for a moment while he continued to drink from his glass as he looked over the window; he saw her concerned face behind him in the window's reflection.

"Severus," she spoke quietly, "Please; listen to me."

He shook his head but said nothing.

"This isn't you," she went on, "Not my Severus. You were always the sweetest of my kids."

"You only had two children," he cut in, as he turned and pushed past her without looking, "And in comparison to Cadence that's not much of a sentiment." He walked into the living room and headed towards the door.

"Yes, you're exactly right," she hurried after him, "Cadence was not a good person. So why follow his footsteps? Why do what he did?"

"I never said he wasn't a good person," Severus said, "I just implied that he wasn't the warm fuzzy child you seem to think I was."

"You weren't raised to feel this way," Eileen continued, "Never once did I tell you that muggle-borns…"

"Just back off, Mother," he rounded on her, "What I do is none of your business." He stormed out the room and upstairs to his own bedroom. They'd had the same argument countless times; he wondered if his mother was truly going insane and couldn't remember their previous confrontations.

Before he could sit as his desk as he had intended a tapping at the window roused his attention; a snowy owl. Severus frowned and walked over to open the window. The owl flew in for only a second, dropping a letter on the floor before swooping back out the room. Severus had a fair idea from the messenger who the letter was from.

He lifted the letter from the floor and hesitantly pulled out the note from the unsealed envelope:

_I miss you. Can I see you?_

_Lily. x_


	6. My Head, My Heart IV

Chapter Four

Lily Evans was frustrated.

Nothing in her life seemed to make sense anymore.

She missed her father dreadfully; he always had a way of making things look brighter than they were. Her mother wasn't herself; she tried to keep up the act, tried to be the same mother she had always been, but Lily knew her cheerful attitude was only superficial. Even more so now that her oldest was getting married and had moved out, while her youngest was currently involved in a war she could barely understand. Lily tried to be home as much as possible; she claimed it was to be there for her mother. As well as that, she wanted to distance herself from James.

In their seventh year Lily had noticed a change in him; his arrogance had dimmed somewhat; he no longer ruffled his hair in that idiotic way he used to; he stopped picking on other students, Severus in particular, she noted. To sum up he'd matured. Or at least she'd thought he had. Ironically enough leaving school seemed to result in him becoming even _more _juvenile than he had been at Hogwarts. Worse still now that he and his friends were of legal drinking age; all they ever seemed to do was drink, fight in this war and have sex. It was almost animalistic to her.

Worse still, Remus had let slip that James and Sirius had never let up on Severus; they just stopped doing it publicly. No doubt to keep her in the dark. She felt like a complete and utter idiot when Remus had told her. One of Severus' severest of criticisms towards her, ever since they were children, was that she was too naïve. Too eager to believe what she wanted to believe. She hated it when he was proven right. And her own disappointment in herself had been pushed further when Remus went on to nervously inform her that he was, in fact, a werewolf. His anxiousness as he revealed the truth to her meant that she was reluctant to question him about the apparent prank Severus had informed her of. But she had a fair idea of whose account of the evening had been correct.

Consequently, she had been easily irritated by James and Sirius ever since. Peter had always grated on her nerves a bit with his constant jumpiness and spineless attitude. She was furious with them for deceiving her; and furious with herself for letting herself be fooled so easily by them. The only person whom she _didn't _feel anything resembling fury towards was Remus; she was certain, no matter how naïve she may be, that he would not, willingly, participate in anything that would involve him killing an unsuspecting, innocent human being.

This was the sixth night she had spent at her own home in the past week. James had attempted to encourage her to go home with him that night but she had insisted she promised her mother she'd be home:

"Come on, Lily," James gave her pleading eyes, "You haven't stayed in almost a week."

"I can't James," she'd sighed, feigning disappointment, "I told my mum I'd be home tonight. If I don't go she'll be worried. She knows we were called out on Order business."

"Lily…" James began, before Sirius appeared behind him, slapping him on the back.

"Come on, Mate," he laughed, "The ball-and-chain's giving you the night off. Enjoy it!"

Lily resisted the urge to glare at him in response and tucked her wand away.

"The boys are heading out," Sirius continued, "Up for it, Prongs?"

James glanced quickly at Lily then at Sirius with a shrug, "Sure. Why not?"

"I'd better go," Lily said, leaning up and giving James a quick peck, "I'll see you soon. Later, Black."

"Lily," Sirius grinned as she headed off.

She had never liked Sirius. Even when her opinion of James had started to change she had harboured a deep dislike for his friend. Of course she could get along with him in small doses; frivolous conversation was always easy to maintain with him. For the last year or so she had managed to put up with him for James' sake; but her patience was wearing thin.

In the past couple of months that followed Remus' revelation, Lily found herself thinking of her childhood friend more. She wondered what he was doing; where he was; if he was happy. Or at least content, for Severus Snape was rarely 'happy' as such.

Things had ended messy between them; the incident at the end of their fifth year had been the pivotal moment. Lily had sworn she would never speak, never even _look_, at him again. But that had proven difficult. After the first week of summer break Severus stopped trying to contact her. She had actually been surprised at his persistence that week but refused to be swayed by her own flattery at his actions.

The weeks that followed were difficult; back home she really only had Severus, having lost contact with the friends she'd had prior to Hogwarts. Summer was always _their _time; she'd never needed anyone else. Consequently, she spent most of that summer missing him.

But she kept her resolve.

It was just her luck that they had both chosen the same subjects in their sixth year; with the exception of one. Both had taken potions, defence, charms, transfigurations and herbology. She had always had a bit of trouble with the practical subjects – transfigurations in particular. She preferred the more theoretical approaches; that way she would be able to keep up with it throughout the holidays. She liked History of Magic very much; something which Severus had found simultaneously amusing and astonishing.

And it was just her luck that she and Severus were paired together in potions for that semester. But what had surprised and, admittedly, affronted her was Severus' attitude towards her. He definitely wasn't the same desperate boy who had been begging for forgiveness at the beginning of the summer. He barely spoke two words to her; except to bark at her when she wasn't paying attention to the potions they were working on. It made not speaking much easier on her. She had wondered if he was using reverse psychology on her; but he was no longer the boy she could easily question. If she even glanced at him for too long he would glare daggers back at her.

The following semester they were given permission to swap partners if they wished; neither of the two requested it. Consequently, the two of them had, once again, spent the semester as potion partners. Severus treated her as he did any other classmate; no longer smiling, sarcasm at every opportunity. And his 'reverse psychology' began to work; she wanted him back. But he wouldn't let her.

But gradually, he slowly started talking to her. Not in the same way as before; it was still sarcastic, still the occasional biting comment. It was something; but she wanted more.

Then she fell in love with James Potter.

Severus switched potion partners.

And despite her efforts, he never spoke to her again.

She had no idea what he did after graduation. At least not until this evening. She was sure it had been him who had stunned Lucius Malfoy. There were no other Death Eaters it could have been. But then again, she couldn't be _that _sure that Severus had even joined them. Perhaps he had proven everyone wrong.

The note she wrote had been spur of the moment. But it had been a long time coming. She needed to see him; she needed to know. She needed_him _to know that she was sorry.

A moment later an owl flew in the window, which she had left open in anticipation of Severus' response. It dropped a piece of paper on the floor and then flew from the room. Lily hurried over and lifted the parchment: one word glared back at her:

_No._

* * *

Severus was furious.

How_dare _she think she has the right to write to him! To request _anything_of him!

She always did have a nerve. Thinking she could treat him like the muck on her shoes and then have him come crawling back to her. He very nearly did that following the 'Mudblood' incident; he wouldn't do that again. He wouldn't subject himself to that humiliation.

He unconsciously touched his left forearm.

He didn't need her.

She was nothing to him anymore.

* * *

Review Responses:

First Time Writer: Thanks for another review! As you see, Lily and Severus have a few issues to work through before they can patch things up. As for your theory on Severus and Regulus; I like it but I've seen it places before, so I have a different approach to the two of them joining up. Their reasons will be revealed somewhere…I know what they are, and how they will be revealed, but I'm not sure where they're placed yet…Thanks again!

Alex the Anachronistic: Thanks for the reviews! I'm glad you like the story so far; hope this chapter didn't disappoint. I'm actually planning on reading your Ghost Snape story (After King's Cross, I think?) sometime soon; I have a ton of boring uni texts to read just now so fanfiction reading is on a hold for a bit but I will be getting round to it soon! Thanks again for the review.


	7. My Head, My Heart V

Chapter Five

Regulus had always looked forward to his aunt and uncle's annual ball. His parents would let him drink as much as he liked; the food was always fantastic; the women were pleasing; and the guests were entertaining.

However, this year was different. He was of drinking age now, so his parents' permission meant little to him. He had already succeeded in 'breaking his way' into the female domain. And the guests were people he would rather avoid; Severus, in particular. He'd been astonished that the fellow Death Eater had even bothered to attend; partly due to his obvious loathing of social events, partly due to his recent actions regarding Lucius.

It had been over a week since the incident. Regulus had managed to avoid him ever since; he doubted that Severus thought much of it. After all, he hadn't bothered contacting him either during that time. Regulus shifted uncomfortably as his 'friend' approached.

"Regulus," Severus nodded at him.

"Severus," he returned stiffly. Severus raised an eyebrow slightly at his tone but said nothing, as he turned to stand side by side – at distance – to look at their fellow Death Eaters, who were seated several feet before them.

"It won't be long until the Ministry falls completely to the Dark Lord," Evan Rosier was saying.

"Very true," another Death Eater agreed, "it's already heavily under our influence. A few more key players and it's done."

"I believe he intends to target Hogwarts School within the next few months," Yaxley added.

"That nuisance of a headmaster will be a problem," Rosier stated, "Lost count of the number of times Dumbledore has ruined one thing or another."

"That man is the worst thing that could have ever happened to that school," Lucius Malfoy said, putting down his now empty glass, "No child of mine will be attending a school under Dumbledore's regulation."

Severus noticed Narcissa, who was at the other side of the room talking to a couple of other women, turn her head at his comment. Lucius met her look evenly. After a few moments she turned back to her conversation at hand.

"That could have been awkward," Regulus muttered, taking a drink from his glass.

Severus shot him a glare that firmly said _shut up. _He looked towards Lucius, who was also sending Regulus a furious glare.

Regulus didn't respond to either of the two men, instead making his way towards the buffet table. Severus watched him with a slightly perplexed look.

Lucius, meanwhile, was making his way over to his wife, who had distanced herself from the ladies she had been speaking to previously, and was now standing outside on the balcony.

Narcissa leaned heavily on the railing which looked out over the West side garden; the garden in which she, Bella and Andie had played in as little girls. Everything had seemed so normal then; perfect. None of them had had any idea of the events that life would throw their way. She smiled sadly as she lowered her eyes from the view and then jumped as a hand touched her shoulder.

She turned abruptly, coming face to face with her husband. He smirked in amusement, "Did I frighten you, my dear?"

Narcissa only smiled softly in response and turned back to look out over the garden. She felt Lucius slowly glide his hand from where it had rested, across the bare skin at the base of her neck until he reached her other shoulder. He leaned in close to her ear, whispering; "Is something troubling you?"

She shook her head, no.

"Don't lie to me, Narcissa," he spoke quietly, keeping his lips close.

She gave a barely audible sigh.

"Dumbledore may not be Headmaster of Hogwarts when our children are ready to begin school," he stated, thinking her knew the reason for her demeanour. He felt her tense at his words and was certain he'd touched on the subject of her distress; "If he is," he continued, "There are plenty of other, better schools…"

"It's not about Hogwarts, Lucius," she interrupted him quietly, but didn't elaborate further.

Lucius, expecting her to continue, frowned when she didn't go on. _Women!_"Then what is it about?"

She remained in silence.

"Narcissa?"

She turned slowly to meet her husband's gaze; he let him arm slip from her shoulder to her waist.

"It's been two years, Lucius," she said, "Two years; and we still haven't been blessed with a child."

Lucius gave a small smile, one he saved only for her as he stroked her arm, "It'll happen."

Narcissa shook her head, lowering her eyes, "I know how much you want a family…"

"An heir will suffice," he interrupted, "Narcissa, you're a young, healthy woman. We must be patient." With a smirk he leaned in and pressed his lips to her neck, "Perhaps we're just not trying hard enough."

"Lucius!" she hissed, pushing him from her with an embarrassed glance towards the window. She immediately noticed Regulus peered intently at a blank spot on the wall.

Lucius gave a low laugh at her blush as he drew back from her. Again he placed a hand on her elbow, "We will have a child, Narcissa. I'm sure of it."

His words were little comfort to her; but his earlier playfulness had lightened her mood somewhat. She took the arm he held out to her and the two made their way back to join the party.

As Regulus abruptly turned from the sight of his cousin and her husband on the balcony, his eyes met with Severus. His smirk disappeared immediately; something that was not lost on the other man. And, to his unease, Severus began to make his way over to the youngest Black. Regulus stood as he reached him.

"Do you have a minute?" Severus asked.

"Sure," Regulus consented, reluctantly, and followed the older Slytherin out into the hallway.

"Is there a problem?" Severus immediately got to the point.

"Excuse me?"

"You've been on edge every time I've been near you all night," Severus elaborated.

Regulus didn't respond.

"Have I offended you in some way?" Severus continued, though his voice seemed slightly mocking.

Regulus glared back at him. Severus stared at him in response; holding eye contact with him. To Regulus' alarm, the room blurred somewhat and the image of Severus standing with his hand pointed at Lucius' back came to the forefront of his mind. Abruptly the room went back to normal and he found himself staring back at Severus' alarmed expression.

"What did you just do?" Regulus snapped, though he had a fairly good idea.

Severus didn't respond, instead he quickly glanced at the closed door which lead to the other guests, grasped Regulus by the arm and pulled him into the neighbouring dining room.

"Regulus, listen to me," Severus spoke in a hushed tone, as he closed the door behind them, "I made a mistake…"

"A mistake?" Regulus hissed back at him, "You attack someone on our side; Lucius! If he found out; if the Dark Lord found out!"

"No one's going to find out," Severus snapped, Regulus could tell the other man was exceedingly worried, "I was aiming for the girl."

Regulus hesitated at that but then smirked, "Lily Evans?" The younger boy caught the momentary surprise on Severus' face at him speaking her name. Regulus raised an eyebrow, speaking quietly, "I know all about you two. I was at school with you, remember? Rumours about the two of you used to spread like wildfire 'round folk in the common room."

Severus didn't respond to the statement, only evenly returning Regulus' look.

Regulus shook his head, "You've really got everybody fooled, haven't you?"

"It isn't like that, Regulus," Severus spoke, calmly; "I slipped up. You've done it plenty of times. Don't think I don't know you don't want to be here."

Regulus' will wavered slightly at the reminder of Severus' previous support of him but kept his cool, "You screwing her?"

"What?" Severus hissed, "Don't be ridiculous!"

"What's ridiculous here is you just risked execution for some mudblood who just so happens to be the same mudblood you used to go out with at school."

"Lily Evans and I were never together," came Severus' resolute response, "And what happened was an accident. One that I never intend to repeat."

Regulus looked doubtful.

"I wouldn't forget that out of the two of us, you're the one who can't stand to watch muggles and the like being tortured and maimed at the hands of our fellow 'friends'," Severus spoke quietly, threateningly, "Who do you think Lucius is more likely to believe of the two of us? He and I have been friends for a substantial number of years."

Regulus' eyes narrowed at him but he said nothing further and, with that, Severus turned and strode from the room.

* * *

Severus slammed the door shut as he entered his home at Spinners End, not caring whether or not his mother was asleep, and noisily stormed his way up to his room. He was livid; at Regulus; at Lily; most of all, at himself. He couldn't believe his own stupidity. Not only had he attacked his only friend, he had actually been seen doing it! The last thing he needed was Regulus watching over his shoulder, waiting for him to commit another mistake. He threw himself down onto the bed with a heavy sigh.

He was also fairly certain that Lily had been aware of whom her rescuer had been. Since the night he'd received her outrageous note he had been contemplating what could have possessed her to do so; she must have got it into her mind that it had been him. After all, what other Death Eater would willingly attack a member of his own side to protect some muggle-born?

No doubt she had wanted to see him in order to preach some moral or other to him; to express her disappointment that he had joined them; or perhaps she had just wanted the chance to say 'I told you so'. She always delighted in being right.

Severus rolled onto his side, vowing to himself that he would think no more on the redhead for the remainder of the night.

* * *

Review Responses

Conqueror Worm: Thanks for the second review! I actually found that part amusing myself, imagining Lily's face, haha.

Alex the Anachronistic: I'm glad you liked the way Lily was portrayed in the chapter. I was a bit anxious about writing her, seeing as we didn't see much of her throughout the novels. I'm also glad you picked up on Severus' changing attitude. I wanted to demonstrate that he wasn't always the man he is in the novels; this story is meant to be an illustration of how he was made from an innocent boy into the pessimistic man he will become. As for having sample conversations between Lily and Severus, I'm intending to have flashbacks sometime in the near future which will include some of the interactions between the two of them during their time at Hogwarts. Thanks very much for the review! It's good when reviewers pick out certain points to comment on.

I've actually had a look at your story before, when only a couple of chapters were posted. I usually wait until around 20 or so chapters have been posted of a story because when I start to read them I tend to read them non-stop and then become frustrated waiting for updates (which I why I update so often); so I'll take your advice on board and read your one slowly. Thanks again for the review!


	8. Interlude I

This chapter is short, but it is one of the more important ones in the story. Hope you like it!

* * *

Interlude

_Hogwarts, December 1971 _

Severus glared hard at the book before him, attempting to focus on the words filling the page, however was too distracted by the older Slytherin who sat next to him; who was, oblivious to the younger boy's discomfort, also pouring over a book.

Since the day Severus had started at Hogwarts three months ago, Lucius Malfoy had been welcoming to him; taken him under his wing, to put it properly. He had been startled by the Head Boy's kindness; though he hadn't admitted it to Lily, and the conversation had still not come up regarding it, it _did _matter being muggle-born. Severus knew it very well; he hadn't stopped thinking about it since the day he had last seen his brother. So when the highly respected pureblood had attempted to befriend him, Severus had welcomed the opportunity with undisguised eagerness.

Consequently, the other Slytherin's in his house, heavily influenced by the behaviour of a Malfoy, were also accepting of him and he soon found himself welcomed into a band of purebloods.

Despite this, Severus was uneasy. He was terrified. Terrified that one day someone would discover his true heritage; just one mention of it from Lily to some other Gryffindor and it could be around the school by morning.

And now, with Christmas break coming up, Severus was sure that someone was bound to discover his secret. The thought horrified him. He was aware of Lucius' developing initiation into the Death Eaters; he was not a man to be lied to. Severus knew all about the kind of curses that could be cast against him; the punishment he could endure for his deception.

So now, here he sat with Lucius Malfoy, and he was going to confess. He had to. Maybe he could plead for some mercy if the truth was to come from him?

Severus cleared his throat, nervously, "Excuse me, Lucius?"

"Hmph?" Lucius grunted a response, not looking up from his book.

"I, uh, I have something to say," Severus said, relieved he was managing to keep his voice even.

"Go ahead," Lucius said, still not looking at the first year.

Severus took a deep breath and gave a wary glance around the common room, checking for eavesdroppers. Only one other person remained in the common room; Narcissa Black, who was too far away to overhear the conversation. Despite that reassurance, he spoke quietly; "I'm a mudblood."

Severus noticed Lucius' eyes, which had been moving across the page, freeze. For a moment a deadly silence fell over them.

Severus shifted, barely able to disguise the uneasiness he felt.

After a long moment Lucius closed the book in front of him and placed his hands over it. He turned his eyes to the terrified boy before him; "No. You're half-blood."

Severus' unease immediately went to undisguised surprise at the older boy's statement. He _knew!_

"How, uh, who…"

"I knew your brother," Lucius interrupted, "He and I were good friends."

Severus was stunned further by this admission, "Oh. I…I didn't know that."

"No, I didn't imagine you would have," Lucius said, leaning back in his chair. The two were quiet for a moment; Severus had no idea what to say in response to the statement. He hadn't seen Cadence in over a year and the two of them hadn't exactly parted with loving words.

"It was your brother who put me forward to the Death Eaters," Lucius went on, quietly.

Severus kept slightly wide eyes on the older Slytherin.

"He was in the year above me, as you probably knew," Lucius said, without emotion, "He told me about you. That you would be coming here this year."

Severus was a little surprised at the revelation: his brother hadn't exactly seemed proud enough of him to boast about him to other purebloods.

"Were you aware that he was killed the month you arrived at Hogwarts?" Lucius asked, curiously.

Severus shook his head; no. He had no idea that his brother had been killed. He wondered if his mother knew. He felt slightly sick as he thought of his death. For the past year he had sworn his undying hatred towards his brother; even hoped that death would find him. But now, with the knowledge that he was indeed dead and that he had thought enough of him to speak of him to his friends, he felt guilty. And surprisingly distressed.

"I am sorry," Lucius' quiet voice said, "I had thought your mother would have informed you."

Severus swallowed the lump in his throat he didn't know was there and shrugged, "Maybe she wanted to wait until I came home. A Christmas present," he added, tensely.

Lucius said nothing.

Severus took a deep breath and went on, "So, is that why you…uh…why you speak to me?" he asked, not quite sure what to call their relationship.

"Yes," Lucius said, without pause, "He told me about your skills. Your knowledge in the Dark Arts. He also told me that you would go far; that you're sympathetic to our cause."

_Lies._Severus thought but was too relieved to voice any objection.

"Even though I'm half-blood?" Severus questioned.

Lucius smiled and nodded, "Severus, you're brother was a great wizard. And a good friend. And if you become even half the man that he was, I shall be very proud to know you."

Severus held his look for a moment before lowering his eyes with a smile.

"The fact that your half muggle is nothing to the fact that you're a half-blood Prince," Lucius stated, firmly.

Severus raised his eyes to the older boy at that. _Half-blood Prince; _he liked that.

* * *

Review Responses:

Adlerauge: Thanks for the review! It's always good to see new reviews :)

Bemoan: Thanks for the reviews! I agree with you; we didn't get enough Severus and Lily in canon (though, seeing as J. K. Rowling didn't seem too keen on Snape, I'm glad that she left it so wide open for our own interpretation of their friendship). I didn't think it was likely that the two of them cut off their friendship and never spoke another word to each other again; I think that would undermine their friendship and I don't see Severus willing to sacrifice his own life for someone who had cut him off without a second glance. I'm also glad you like Regulus; he is going to be one of the more important characters in the story.


	9. Reconnecting I

Chapter Six

Severus slowly paced across the soft grass of the clearing. It had been two weeks since his confrontation with Regulus and still the boy seemed suspicious of him. Severus continued to remain aggravated, furious with himself for his actions three weeks before.

He'd heard nothing further from Lily. He assumed she'd got the hint.

That was good.

That's what he told himself as he continued to pace. After all, what good could a meeting between them do? They were beyond reconciliation; the very idea was preposterous. And he was mortified by the thought that she might have realised it was him who'd saved her that night; the thought that she would think he retained any of his old feelings for her. The idea made him nauseous. He was no longer that pathetic boy he had been back then.

He hated her.

One word and that was enough for her to end eight years of friendship; one word and she could just walk away. He thought they meant more than that. She'd _deserved _it; she'd _laughed _at him as he hung there; had flirted with that jackass right in front of his face, while he hung there absolutely humiliated. Of course that didn't matter. All that matter to Lily was Lily, and her own perfect view of the world. He kicked a rock violently which bounced once over the water before sinking down into the depths.

And then she had the nerve to try and befriend him again in their N.E.W.T. years; he was close, so close to being drawn in by her again. And then she'd thrown it back in his face. By dating _Potter_ of all people! Just thinking on it infuriated him. He kicked another rock this time looking up as he did so. His eyes rested on the object of his thoughts; Lily stood several feet from him.

Severus released a breath with a scowl, "What are _you_doing here?"

Lily was surprised by the venomous tone that he fired at her and straightened, instinctively, "This is a public place. I have every right to be here as you."

Severus' scowl deepened.

Lily raised an eyebrow and walked closer to him. He turned from her and glared out over the river.

"I…uh…I've been wanting to talk to you," Lily said, cautiously.

"So you followed me," Severus spoke, lowly, "Who gives a damn about what anyone else wants when Lily Evans wants something? Whatever she wants; the world will bow."

"What's that supposed to mean?" she snapped.

"What do you think it means, Princess?" he hissed, turning his glaring eyes on her.

Lily returned his look evenly for a moment before drawing a deep, calming breath and turned her attention out to look over the river before them. She refused to respond; the last thing she wanted was to have another bitter sparing match with her childhood friend. God knows they had enough over one another to have it go on all night.

"Do you come here often?" she spoke, quietly.

Severus was silent.

"Sometimes I do," she continued, still quiet, "More often lately. I miss the days when we'd come here; everything seemed so much easier then."

"How touching," Severus sneered, but said nothing more.

Lily closed her eyes for a moment, willing herself to remain calm.

Severus glared at the water as the silence drew out between them.

"Why wouldn't you see me?" Lily whispered, her nervousness preventing her from speaking normally.

Severus rounded on her, "Why would you want to see me? You were very quick to turn your back three years ago; you expect me to come running whenever you click your fingers?"

"It wasn't like that," Lily snapped, angrily, "I needed to talk to you…"

"Just like always," Severus interrupted, furiously, "It's always what_you _need; what _you_want! Well you know what Lily, I _don't_want to talk to you. I don't want to _see_ you. I don't even want to _think_ about you. So why don't you just go back and fuck that arsehole you call your boyfriend and get out of my life. You chose this; you stick to it!" His voice was rising; he was losing the control he had learned since she'd left him. So he turned and made to storm away; he wouldn't let her affect him in any way ever again.

"I know it was you, Severus," she said, taking a few steps towards his retreating form, "I know it was you who stunned Malfoy."

Severus' steps halted.

"I know you joined them," she added, more quietly, "That you're a Death Eater."

Severus remained still for a moment before turning around with a glower, "And what business would that be of yours, Evans?"

Lily held his look; after a moment Severus turned and strode from the clearing. _Their place. _

She sunk down onto the green grass and imagined she was nine years old again, playing with her best friend, and Hogwarts was just a childhood dream.

* * *

Severus entered the house as quietly as possible, not wanting to alert his mother to his return. The last thing he wanted was another argument with his mother; not after his recent confrontation with Lily. He cast a charm to silence his footsteps as he made his way up the stairs. All he wanted to do was collapse into bed and sleep; dream away the rest of the disastrous mess he had created for himself.

To his dismay, the moment he entered his bedroom he found Regulus Black sitting at his desk.

"What are you doing here?" Severus hissed for the second time that night, "How did you get in?"

"Your mother let me in," he responded with a shrug.

"What do you want?" Severus pushed the door shut.

"Just popped 'round, wanted to see if you wanted to head out with me and some of the guys tonight? Rosier's birthday," Regulus said, leaning back as if it were the most natural response in the world.

Severus glared at him, "And why would I want to subject myself to another night with you?"

Regulus' cocky expression wavered somewhat but he held his ground and shrugged again, "Well, it's been a while, hasn't it? Thought you'd be up for it."

"Does this mean to say that you were merely spouting out empty threats a couple of weeks ago?" Severus crossed his arms and leaned back against the door, "For if your suspicions were true, I highly doubt you'd be willing to invite someone as _dangerous_as I to the festivities."

Regulus hesitated for a moment before smirking, "Perhaps I was…mistaken in my earlier suspicions."

Severus raised an eyebrow, speaking softly, "Oh really?"

"You know how it is," Regulus went on, "Sometimes in the midst of battle one's perspective may be…distorted."

"Indeed."

The two held one another's look evenly for a moment until Regulus grinned; "So, what do you say? You in or out?"

Severus thought on the invitation for a moment; he was still reeling from his confrontation with Lily Evans. Though there was nothing he'd rather do more than sleep, he knew well enough sleep would not come easily; on the other hand, spending the night drinking with a bunch of dunderheads in Hogsmead just might take his mind of the redhead. His mind made up, he turned and pulled open the door.

"Lets go."

* * *

Lucius' head was pounding; the celebration of Rosier's birth certainly didn't disappoint. Only now he was huddled over a document that had to be read and signed by the end of the afternoon and the words that littered the page seemed to swim as if an illusion across the paper. He dropped it and rubbed his temples, irritably.

Suddenly, the door to his office burst open and a flushed looking Narcissa stood before him.

Lucius raised an unimpressed eyebrow at the intrusion, "To what do I own this honour?"

"Lucius," she hurriedly closed the door and walked around the desk beside him, "You'll never guess the news I've just received."

"News?" Lucius enquired, as he stood from his chair, immediately regretting the action as the room seemed to spin around him. He put his hand on her shoulder to steady himself, "What news?"

"I had to take a trip to Medi-Wizard Ensley this afternoon…"

"Medi-Wiz…is everything all right?" Lucius was suddenly concerned, his hand on her shoulder tightened, "Are you sick?"

Narcissa looked thoughtful for a second before nodding, "Yes."

"Oh Merlin; Narcissa…"

"But don't worry," she went on, "I should be better in, oh, eight months or so."

Lucius frowned a little, "Eight months…what do…" he paused taking in the smile slowly spreading across his wife's face. Realisation dawned on him in an instant.

He released a small, delighted breath as his own smile matched hers, "Are you telling me what I think you're telling me, Mrs Malfoy?"

Narcissa gave an uncharacteristic giggle and a nod before she was swept up into the arms of her delighted husband; and their elated laughter echoed throughout the room.

* * *

Review Responses

Bemoan: Thanks again for the review! It's much appreciated. I'm glad you like me delving back into Severus' earlier life; I hope my version doesn't disappoint.

Alex the Anachronistic: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you like the coinage of the 'Half-Blood Prince'.


	10. Reconnecting II

Author's Note: This chapter is a little intense; just a warning for the faint-hearted.

* * *

Chapter Seven

Regulus stumbled slightly as he and several other Death Eaters made their way down the staircase. He felt a hand grasp his upper arm, preventing him from falling completely and turned, noting it was Severus who'd prevented the fall.

"Please, please have mercy!" a woman's voice was pleading from the living room, as another scream echoed throughout the household.

Regulus felt that same tightening in his stomach as he heard their cries, as he walked by two sobbing children, who sat huddled in the corner while two Death Eaters stood with their wands pointed threateningly towards them. He wondered if these children would survive the raid.

"Regulus," he heard Severus hiss and he made his way into the living room, where another blood traitor was being dragged in, as Rosier continued to use the Cruciatus on the man that was writhing on the floor. A woman was grasping at Lucius robes as she begged for the life of her husband. Lucius yanked his robes from her desperate fingers and turned his attention to the new man who'd be brought in.

He strode over to the man who was being tied to a chair by Karkaroff and one of the Lestrange's. Lucius pointed his wand at the man's face as he demanded the whereabouts of the Order members. The man stared back at him; look his look a mixture of defiance and fear. Lucius glared at him, though he could not been seen through his mask, and cast the Sectumsempra spell, cutting off the man's left hand. The man's screamed matched that of the man on the floor.

"If you wish to ever use a wand again," Lucius spoke, quietly, slowly moving his wand towards the victim's other hand, "I suggest you tell me where I'd find Frank Longbottom and his wife."

Regulus stood, pointing his wand shakily at the hysterical woman on the floor, as he nervously watched Lucius. Another scream erupted from the man on the floor, causing Regulus to jump slightly. He turned and noticed Severus appear behind Rosier, speaking quietly.

"I suggest you change your tactics," Severus was saying, barely audible, "Or this man will no longer be sane enough to be of any use."

Regulus thought Severus' warning would be ignored until Rosier cast a spell to burn the flesh of the man's arm. The man's screams continued as his torture went on; though the sound was nothing to the sudden scream of one of the children from the next room. At that moment the door burst open and Yaxley walked in, dragging one of the little girls by the hair.

He tossed the girl to the middle of the floor and immediately turned his wand on her. He kept his eyes on the little one as he addressed the adults who had become even more distressed at the sight of her; "Tell us the whereabouts of Frank Longbottom; or watch her die."

Regulus had seen enough. He slowly walked from the room, making it seem as if he were continuing to look for others within the house. When he was sure he was out of the sight of the other Death Eaters he stumbled out of the house. He grasped the railing as he made the two steps down from the porch and hurried into the corner between the porch steps and the wall.

Pressing his back against the wall, he allowed himself to slowly sink to the ground, as the rough pebbles scraped and ground against his back; the feeling making it clear it was all real. His reality. He drew his knees to his chest as he drew in small, shaky breaths.

Suddenly, the screams started up again. Screams of devastation. Regulus squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his forehead to his knees, knowing well enough what had happened.

He jumped, as suddenly the door above slammed open and someone came rushing down the stone steps. Regulus watched as the Death Eater wrenched his mask from his face less than a second before retching and vomiting violently onto the grass at his feet. Regulus watched as his own gut churned until the other Death Eater finally stopped, but remained crouched over for a moment.

A ten seconds or so later, the Death Eater drew in a breath and straightened, as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and turned in Regulus' direction.

Regulus wasn't surprised to find himself looking into the eyes of Severus Snape.

* * *

Severus was sure Regulus had decided he was the most disingenuous man alive; Merlin knows he had enough back up to prove he wasn't faithful to the cause. Yet, for some reason, Severus felt sure that the boy wouldn't rat him out to their superiors. In fact, the boy had looked almost compassionate as they had met one another's look at the raid. Severus had been mortified that his moment of weakness had been witnessed; a year of successfully concealing his own discomfort and then Regulus Black comes along and throws everything into the wind. He wondered if his life could possibly get any worse than it was at that moment. 

With an exasperated sigh Severus tugged his robes over his head and dumped them in the corner, before walking over and climbing under the covers of his bed. Sleep was his only relief; just the idea that he could be blissfully unaware of the world for a few short hours a night was a comfort. With a flick of his wand he turned out the muggle light which lit the room.

As he felt himself drift into oblivion he heard the door to his room open. He surreptitiously peeked at the intruder through one open eye, before quickly closing it when he recognised that it was only his mother. His brow furrowed slightly when he realised she was using a wand to light the room; he hadn't seen his mother hold a wand since he was a child.

To his dismay he felt his mattress dip to the left as his mother sat down upon it. He kept himself still; willing her to believe he was asleep and to leave him be for the night. Then, to his astonishment, he felt her fingertips reach and brush the hair back from his forehead. He couldn't help the violent flinch he gave in response. As his eyes flew open, she snatched her hand back to her side. The light that had been emitting from Eileen's wand vanished.

Severus reached for his own and, with a flick, the room was filled by the muggle lighting; "Mother, what do you think you're doing?"

Eileen only stared at him for a moment before giving him a small smile.

Severus wondered if his mother was truly insane.

"Mother?" he spoke, cautiously, drawing himself further up in his bed, revealing his bare chest.

Eileen gave a small sigh, "Oh my dear boy, you're so thin. I haven't taken care of you like I should have."

Severus' frown deepened, "What are you talking about?" with a quick glance towards the muggle clock he added, "It's two in the morning; can't whatever this is wait?"

"Honey," she spoke softly, once again reaching out to stroke his hair.

He instantly drew back from her hand with a scowl, "What's gotten into you, Mother?"

"I do wish you wouldn't call me that," she whispered, smiling sadly, "I always told you as a child how I hated it when Cadence called me that."

_Cadence again! _Severus resisted the urge to groan out loud and leaned back against the headboard, "Was there something you wanted?"

Eileen shook her head, "No; just to see you."

Severus eyed her with undisguised incredulity and drew the covers up over his chest, keeping his arms tight around them to keep himself concealed, "Look Mother…Mum, I…I don't know what's going on with you. But I'm really tired. Do you mind if we talk tomorrow?"

Eileen smiled again, "Oh sweetheart; it's always tomorrow with you, isn't it? You never did face up to your problems as they came."

"For Merlin's sake, what are you talking about? I face my so-called problems everyday!" he snapped.

Eileen gave a small laugh, it sounded alien to him, "Honey, you know that's not true. You never did face up to your father; or to Cadence; never even to your little muggle-born friend. You let her go because you were too scared to choose."

Severus was truly irritated now, "What've they got to do with anything? You barely even knew Lily; how would you know what went on between us?"

"Oh I know, Sweetheart," she spoke quietly, but didn't elaborate further.

Severus stared at her with no idea of how to respond.

"I know that you're not this person," she went on, "I know you're not as unfeeling as you try to make everyone think you are. You're just angry at the world; and you don't want anyone to see it."

"Look, I don't know where this is coming from, but you've got it wrong," Severus said, shifting uncomfortably.

Eileen smiled and reached to stroke his face again; this time Severus didn't move. Her smile turned sad, "I'm so sorry for all the pain I've caused you, Severus; my little boy. I promise you I won't cause you any more pain."

Severus could only sit in bewildered silence.

Slowly Eileen stood, keeping her eyes on her son. She leaned down and pressed her lips to his forehead, "I love you very much; my darling." She drew back and smiled softly once again before she turned and slowly left the room.

Severus watched until the door closed. Then, with a second confused glance towards the door, he flicked his wand and the room went dark. He slid back down under the covers; he would have to keep a closer eye on his mother the next day.

* * *

Severus awoke before six; he hadn't bothered with the curtains the night before so the sun that poured into the room prevented him from having the long, uninterrupted sleep he had hoped for. He decided he would go back to sleep; but a quick trip to the bathroom was in order. So, with an irritated exhale at needing to get up, he threw the covers off himself and made his way from his bedroom and down the corridor. 

He yawned as he pushed open the bathroom door.

And then his world seemed to stop.

There on the floor, leaning over the edge of the bathtub was his mother. Her eyes, glazed over, stared at him; through him. A thin trail of vomit led from the side of her lips, dripping down into the bathtub, which was also sprayed with the brown-y/green coloured substance.

Severus' body shook; he stumbled towards the toilet and vomited.

So life could get worse.

* * *

Alex the Anachronistic: I'm glad you like Lucius in this story; he's supposed to be liked (in this story, since I like him ;)). Since the story is largely concerned with the Death Eater's (at least Severus, Regulus and Lucius') redeeming qualities, it's you picked up on his 'humanness'. Thanks for the review! 

Chaotic Veins: Thanks for the review! I'm pleased you like the way I've structured the story: it's necessary for us to see the P.O.V.s of all of them.


	11. Reconnecting III

Chapter Eight

Lucius had shown Regulus the advertisement announcing the death of Eileen Snape that morning. He had been uncertain how to react at first; Lucius had assured him that Severus would be fine. That he wasn't that close with his mother; nor was he the kind to sit around weeping or mourning. But Regulus had still felt uncertain about it all; sure enough, Severus and his mother had not seemed close on the occasions that he had invited himself over, but he highly doubted that Severus would just bounce back instantly as if nothing had happened. Especially with his father gone too; he was only nineteen. There would be other things to deal with; funeral preparations; the house; the insurance (if they had any).

Consequently, Regulus found himself, once again uninvited, in Spinners End, knocking on Severus Snape's front door. He waited a while and then knocked again. With a sigh he made to turn away when suddenly the sound of a chain being unhooked sounded and the door was pulled open.

Severus gave him an exasperated look, "Not today, Regulus…"

"Listen," Regulus spoke up, quickly, "I, uh, I heard about your mum. I'm really sorry."

Severus looked slightly surprised, but hid it quickly, "How did you hear about that?"

"There was an announcement in the Daily Prophet," Regulus stated, cautiously, "Lucius showed it to me this morning."

Severus looked thoughtful for a moment. Regulus thought he looked remarkably well for someone who had just lost the last member of his family. Perhaps Lucius had been right after all.

"I see," Severus said, quietly. The two stood awkwardly for a moment. Severus cleared his throat and stepped back from the door, leaving it open. Regulus took it as an invitation and followed, closing the door behind him.

"Do you want a drink?" Severus asked, as they walked into the living room, "I only have muggle liquor; gin or whisky."

"Oh, uh, either is fine," Regulus said, as he looked around the mess of the living room. Photographs of a young Eileen Prince lay strewn around the room; pictures of her in her teenage years; her wedding day; pictures of her with her husband and sons. Documents lay scattered across the coffee table in the middle of the room.

"I assume they'll ask for a picture of some sort," Severus stated, as he handed half a glass of undiluted whisky to him, and nodded towards the pictures; "My father had one at his funeral. Unfortunately I was obliged to attend that one."

Regulus hid his surprise by taking a gulp from his glass as Severus sipped from his own.

"You need any help?" Regulus offered.

"No," came the short response. After a couple of seconds of discomfited silence an awkward; "Thanks," escaped Severus' lips.

Regulus gave a small smile and turned to look at him, "Look, I'm really sorry. I really have no idea what you must be going though…"

"I'm fine," Severus cut him off, tonelessly, "It was no surprise, really."

Regulus, a bit discomfited by Severus' blasé attitude, quickly gulped down the rest of his drink, "You sure you don't need any help? I'm not as useless as you think," he joked.

Severus' lips twitched a little, "No. I've got it covered," he took the empty glass from his hand, "I am rather busy at the moment though."

Regulus got the hint and nodded, "Oh, right. Well, I'll let you get on with it then." He rubbed his hands against his front of his thighs, attempting the rid the stickiness of the spilt whisky from them, "If you do need any help, just let me know."

Severus nodded and Regulus thought he saw a hint of gratitude flicker in his eyes for a second. With a comforting smile Regulus gave him a slap on the back and turned to leave. As he made his way down the hallway, he heard the sound of rustling papers emerge from the room he'd just left.

* * *

Severus hadn't cried.

He'd found his mother's body at approximately 5.48am the previous morning. He'd sat in the bathroom with it until 7. At 7.15 he called the police. At 8 the body was removed. He'd left then too, as the police began to investigate the scene. At 1.13 he'd returned. The police told him it was probably suicide. He already knew that. At 2.41 he'd owled his grandmother.

He didn't know what he did from then until 10; when he went back to bed. But he knew he hadn't cried.

When he'd awoken that morning he'd forgotten. It wasn't until he was out of bed that he remembered. So he'd gotten dressed and went into his mother's room; grabbed the cardboard box that was sitting on top of the cupboard and taken it downstairs. Any photos they had would be in there. He'd taken out every picture that had her in it. The minister would ask for one, he knew.

Severus supposed it was his grandmother who had made the death announcement; ironic. She hadn't thought to announce the birth of her first son Cadence; nor the marriage of Eileen Prince to Tobias Snape; nor had she thought to announce the birth of her second son. No; it was the death that mattered.

A knock sounded at the door. With an irritated exhale he tossed the picture he had been holding down onto the coffee table. No doubt Regulus had decided to return. It seems normal statements weren't enough to ward the boy off; he'd have to use his usual tactics. He pulled the door open for the second time that day and there, on his doorstep, was Lily.

Severus glowered at her and made to close the door.

"Severus," she quickly put her foot between the door and the frame, "Please. I heard about Eileen."

Severus only pushed harder against the door.

"Sev, you're hurting me!" Lily snapped, though her voice was higher than usual.

With a sigh Severus released his weight from the door and turned, storming down the hall into the living room. He sat down on the couch and lifted one of the documents from the table. A few moments later he heard the door close and then Lily appeared at the doorframe, cautiously walking into the room.

He glanced at her out the corner of his eye as he attempted to read the insurance policy before him. The two remained in silence for a while; as Lily awkwardly shifted in the middle of the floor. Severus was determined to ignore her; he was too tired to argue today.

"I remember this," Lily's voice suddenly interrupted the silence, as she pointed vaguely towards a picture on the table, as if afraid to touch anything. Severus kept his head still, but glanced with his eyes in the direction she'd pointed. It was a picture of the two of them, with Eileen in the middle. It had been during a festival at Hogsmead. His mother often took them to the event in their early years of Hogwarts during the summer.

Severus gave a small grunt of acknowledgement and continued to skim the paper before him; he'd already read it five times.

"Um, Sev?"

"Don't call me that," he said, lowly.

Lily cleared her throat, "Sorry." A moment later she was sitting down on the couch next to him.

Severus closed his eyes in frustration but kept quiet.

"How, um, how are you holding up?" she asked, tentatively.

Severus turned to look at her, squarely, "How should I be?" At her confused expression he went on, "You obviously expect something from me; think this was a perfect time to get what you want? When you think I'm going to be at my weakest and most pathetic? Well you know what, I'm 'holding up' just fine, Evans."

"Don't call me that," she said, bristling somewhat, "And I'm not here for anything." At his raised eyebrow she went on, though her voice was less sure, "I just…I wanted to be here for you."

"Oh really?" Severus uttered, derisively, before turning back to the paper in his hand.

"Yes, Severus, I did," she went on, "Because…look, I know what you're going through. I've been there. And you were there for me then. I want to be here for you now."

"So you're here out of some sort of due debt you feel you owe me," Severus said, lifting another paper from the table.

"No," she said quickly, "Severus, I just want to be here for you; that's all. Nothing else."

"Like I said, I'm fine," he said, emotionlessly.

She reached out to touch his hand; he immediately snatched his away from her touch. Lily shifted on the couch and quickly brushed the hair back from her face, embarrassedly.

"Can I help?" she finally said.

"No," he responded, curtly.

"Well I'm not leaving," she said, her usual self-assured tone returning, "So you may as well give me something to do."

Severus tossed the papers onto the table, "Look Lily, I really don't want to do this right now, okay?"

"Do what?"

"Deal with you!" he snapped, "I already told you; I don't want to see you! Merlin, why can't you just leave me alone?"

"Because you've been left alone too much," she responded, immediately.

"I don't want your pity," he hissed, furiously, "Don't…"

"It's not pity! God, Severus!" Lily threw her hands up in the air, her own exasperation apparent, "I care about you!"

Severus only stared at her with undisguised incredulity.

"Severus…"

"Where does your boyfriend think you are, Lily?" he asked, shortly. He noticed for the first time she was dressed in a muggle dress, rather than robes.

Lily averted her eyes for a moment then brought them back to his, "I don't spend every waking moment with James."

"I assume you haven't told him you're off with your ex-friend, who just so happens to be a Death Eater?" he raised an eyebrow.

Lily flinched involuntarily at the statement but said nothing, as she looked away from him.

Severus leaned back against the couch, "You know what I am, Lily. So why are you here? Only a very foolish muggle-born would willingly enter the house of a Death Eater."

Lily looked back at him at that, a definite smugness in her voice as she spoke, "You wouldn't hurt me, Severus."

"Oh, wouldn't I?" he spoke, quietly.

She smiled at him and shook her head, "No; you wouldn't."

The two of them held one another's look for a moment; her daring him to make a move against her. Severus rolled his eyes as he broke eye contact.

"So, what can I do?" she asked, leaning forward to look at the pictures before them.

Severus glanced at her, irritably, out the corner of his eye and reached to lift up one of the pictures.

* * *

Review Responses:

**Alex the Anachronistic:** Thanks again for the review! I think the chapter answered your questions ;) Hope you liked this one!

**Istani**: Hey! I'm glad you like the story and the way Severus is portrayed. I don't think Severus ever really was the love-sick puppy people seem to think, so I've kept him the way I'd picture him :) Thanks very much for the review!

**Bemoan**: Well, Draco is born on June 5th apparently. Narcissa is one and a half months pregnant at the moment; Ron's birthday is in March; Harry and Neville are late July… Of course, some people don't learn they're pregnant until they're a decent way along…

As for my version of the story, I'm glad you like it. Like you said, there's plenty of things we don't know that must've went on between 'save your breath' and 'he thinks it means Lily Evans' in canon. Severus wasn't about to show Harry everything…So that's what I'm going with. I also don't like the unrequited love idea; Lily must've given him something to make him want to protect her.

As for Eileen; I've been trying to portray her as 'weird-acting'. She hasn't been (in my mind) quite the same since Tobias died (I think it might have been mentioned in Severus' thoughts). And Barty Crouch Jr.; it is likely that he'll be seen; in my head he is there. As I've planned it there's eight Death Eater's in Severus' 'circle'; Barty Crouch Jr. is one of them, as is Karkaroff (he mentioned in GOB that Death Eaters only knew a few of each other, and since he named Severus, Barty, Rockwood and Rosier, I imagine they were in a group together). Lucius and Regulus, I put there myself :). Thanks very much for the reviews!


	12. Reconnecting IV

Chapter Nine

The two had been in the living room shuffling through photos for almost two hours and still hadn't come across a decent enough picture of Eileen. Lily had come across several very flattering pictures of her, however the presence of Cadence or Severus or Tobias with her rendered the photograph unusable. Unfortunate, any pictures of her alone were when she hadn't been paying attention to the camera or, worse, when she was attempting to hide from it.

Lily was surprised at the high number of muggle photographs they had to look through; although Mr Snape had been a muggle, she had always been under the impression that Eileen had failed to fully embrace muggle life. She certainly used to speak frequently of the magical world when they were children; so long as Mr Snape was at work. Or the pub. He was usually at one of them. Lily had only ever seen Tobias Snape once; something she was exceedingly grateful for. The way he had leered at her over his glass, half drunk, had haunted her for days after the encounter and, as a result, she only ever went back when she was sure he wouldn't be home.

Eileen, however, had always been welcoming of her. Lily assumed she was happy that Severus finally had someone magical to play with, as she knew there was a significant age gap between him and his older brother. Lily and Cadence never spoke when they passed one another; in fact, he had completely shunned her when she had tried to say hello. He had looked at her once; scowled at her, really. At first she had thought he was just a bully; she was well aware now why he disapproved of their friendship.

Lily glanced sideways at Severus; he hadn't spoken to her since they had begun looking through them. Well, he had offered the occasional response to her attempts at conversation, though he had never sought to continue any of them. She could tell from the tenseness of his posture that he was on edge; she wondered whether that was due to his recent loss or the fact that she was sitting beside him.

Whatever the reason, she was glad he had allowed her to remain there with him. She couldn't even remember the last time they had been with one another, and not fighting. The attitude he was displaying at this moment was reminiscent of their potions classes in their sixth year, when she had been attempting to renew the friendship they had lost.

At that moment he reached for a picture on the side of the table closest to her. Her eyes rested on his arm; she had heard there was a mark. A mark that Voldemort would brand his followers with when they gave their lives over to his rule. She wondered if Severus had received it; if the mark she had so often seen in the sky was permanently imprinted upon his skin. She felt sick thinking about it; if he had ever taken part in a raid. Had he ever killed anyone? She blinked and shook her head, not wanting to think on it.

Her movement caught Severus' eye and he turned his head slightly, eying her questioningly for a moment, before turning his attention back to the picture in from of him.

Lily stared blankly at the picture in her own hands; her mind drifting back to her earlier thoughts. She had faced many Death Eaters during her time with the Order. Had suffered at their hands more than once. The first time she had face the excruciating effects of the Cruciatus she was sure she was going to die. Had hoped for it even. Yes, she knew very well what the Death Eaters were capable of. And she knew very well that one of the spells which had caused the most damage in their confrontations, the one several Order members had died from or been tortured with, was created by the man beside her. Created by him when he was only a child. There was no doubt in her mind that the man beside her was dangerous; that he had committed any crime a Death Eater was required to do. And yet, that night played on her mind. He wasn't evil; he wasn't lost yet. He had saved her. There was still a chance for him.

Lily's eyes focused back on the picture of Eileen and Tobias; their wedding picture. Eileen had married young, she knew; only nineteen. Lily was almost twenty; she couldn't imagine herself being married so young. She put the picture back on the table and turned to look at the picture Severus was holding; it was a picture of a young Eileen, perhaps in her early twenties. Smiling, not looking quite at the camera.

Lily brightened immediately, "Severus, that one's perfect!"

Severus glanced at her briefly, before looking back at it, "If you had been paying attention, you would know that I already said this was the one I'd be using."

Lily blushed slightly and was disappointed that she had missed a comment he had willingly made to her because of her own daydreaming.

"Well, I think you've made a very good choice," Lily said with a smile.

"Stop being so nice," Severus snapped, "If you insist on imposing yourself upon me, don't patronise me by acting like the angel we both know you're not."

Lily immediately pursed her lips together as her brow knitted somewhat, "I wouldn't have to if you weren't being a bastard enough for both of us," she snapped back.

Severus only glowered at her in response and stood, the picture held tightly in his hand, "Well, thank you very much for your help. You can go now."

Lily stood up, "What about the funeral arrangements? When's the date?"

Severus slipped the photograph into the envelope, "That is not of your concern."

Lily frowned, "But…"

"I haven't made the arrangements yet," Severus stated, cutting her off, "That is my next matter of business…"

"I'll help with that," Lily stated walking towards him, "You'll be wanting to talk to the funeral director…"

"How very knowledgeable," Severus interrupted, "I am aware of how to go about arranging funerals. I do not need your help on this matter."

"It's no trouble," Lily said, with a dismissive wave, as she lifted her jacket, "I have the day free." She headed towards the door.

"How wonderful," Severus uttered, glaring at her retreating form.

Lily stopped, her hand on the doorknob. With a sigh she turned to face him. Severus crossed his arms across his chest, and she knew he was preparing for a confrontation which she was not willing to participate in.

"Severus," she spoke quietly, "How did we get here?"

He raised an eyebrow at her.

"I…I'm sorry, okay?" she went on, "I overreacted to the…the thing that happened in fifth year."

Severus turned back to the desk, no doubt in order to conceal his astonishment that she had actually apologisedto him. She was sure she had never once apologised to him for her treatment following the incident by the lake. He opened the money tin and took out some notes.

"Severus, please," Lily she continued, desperate for him to listen, "I…I miss you."

Severus shook his head but didn't turn to look at her, "I thought you said you coming here wasn't about you."

"It's not," she protested, "I am here for you. I just…I just wanted you to know."

"I got your note," came his cold reply.

"Oh yes, I know," she said with a humourless laugh, as she remembered how mortified she had felt on receiving his reply.

The two of them remained in silence for a moment before Severus abruptly turned. He walked past her and into the hallway; she quickly hurried after him only to stop when he stated;

"I'm going to get changed. I'd appreciate a little privacy to do that, at least," he said, as he went up the stairs.

* * *

Severus was irritated. Not only was he dressed in the ridiculous muggle clothing that was required during his visit with the funeral director, but he had also spent five hours in Lily Evans company; and he didn't trust himself around her because a part of him wanted to cling to the earlier sentiments she had expressed and hang on for dear life. He was exhausted; the warring emotions of hatred and anger; hope and adoration were too much for him to deal with. He couldn't look at her for longer than a second without remembering that she was _his; _that that filthy, arrogant arsehole had put his hands on her. That she would let him! The very thought sickened and infuriated him.

Severus glanced at her as she walked along the street next to him, oblivious to his thoughts as she licked at the ice cream she had bought on the way back from town. Only Lily Evans would eat ice cream on a freezing cold October evening. At that moment she looked like she was ten years old again; that same naïve girl he had admired as a boy. And he wondered at her now. Was she still so naïve? Had she talked herself into believing that he was good? That it didn't matter that he was Death Eater? She knew well enough what he was; and she knew well enough what they did. And yet here she was, at his side, when just three years ago she had declared her intention to desert him due to this unforgivable path he was walking. Did she think he was the one and only exception; the 'good' Death Eater? This girl made no sense at all.

"Well, this is me," Lily suddenly interrupted the silence as they came to her street. She stopped and he reluctantly stopped as well, though did not look directly at her. "I'll come by again tomorrow, help…"

"That won't be necessary," Severus said, quickly, dreading the idea of yet another day in her company.

Lily only smiled, "So I'll see you then." She turned away and made her way down her own street. Severus wanted to call her back; tell her to stay away. That he didn't want her there. But he didn't. Because he was an idiot; an idiot willing to be fooled by a pretty smile and words he wanted to hear.

He turned and continued on the short distance to Spinners End. _Home_. Severus almost scoffed at the thought. As far as he was concerned, he'd never had a home. Neither that house nor Hogwarts had offered him any comfort as a child. And the house sure as hell didn't hold any warm memories for him now.

The phone was ringing as he entered the house; he took his time, having no intention of answering it. The last thing he wanted was to have to deal with more muggles. He made to go up the stairs when suddenly his mother's voice rang out throughout the hallway;

"Hello; this is Eileen and Severus. I'm afraid we're not here…"

The answering machine blew up and scattered throughout the room.

Severus' hand trembled, and his wand fell from his hand, rolling down the few stairs he was standing on. Severus thought he might follow; his body shook as he pressed his shoulder against the wall and allowed himself to slide down it onto the stair. Every tangled emotion that had tormented him that day came forth; and for the first time in years he allowed the sobs to shake his frame; the picture so reminiscent of his boyhood days.


	13. Reconnecting V

Chapter Ten

The mark had burned that night; so Severus had once again found himself among his Death Eater associates. He was sure he had nothing left in him as he stood before the Dark Lord, Occlumency barriers up, as his master went on about the chances of the Ministry falling and the news that the werewolves had joined the cause. What tested Severus' nerves most, however, had been the fact that Regulus had been hovering around him like a blasted fly all night as if expecting him to crumple into a devastated heap at any unpredicted moment. He had very nearly snapped at the boy to leave him alone and, had the meeting not been called to an end when it had, there was no doubt in his mind that he would have.

As it was, there were no immediate duties to attend to; so Severus had returned home and fell asleep the instant he hit the bed sheets. He didn't awaken again until 10 o' clock the next day, when Lily had shown up at the door.

Severus had been glad of her presence, simply due to the fact that Eileen was to be dressed in 'fresh clothing', as the director had stated. Lily had volunteered to select the outfit; and he had immediately sent her on upstairs to his mother's bedroom. He had no desire to ever enter that room again.

Consequently, he neither had to go into his mother's room, nor did he have to spend a good hour in Lily's company; apparently, that's how long it took to pick out an outfit. In that time he had managed to arrange a meeting with his parent's attorney; he was surprised they had even had one, but it turned out that Eileen had made a will following the death of Tobias. He was to meet with the attorney that afternoon to discuss it, and had insisted that the meeting take place in his office. He had no desire to entertain houseguests.

At that moment Lily appeared at the door with a smile, "I've put the outfit out on her bed. If you like, I could take it down for you?"

Severus gave a wave of the hand, "If you like. I have a meeting to attend this afternoon."

He noticed Lily seemed to pale at the statement. He rolled his eyes, realising what she was thinking, and said; "With my mother's attorney." Before wondering why he'd bothered to reassure her.

"I see," Lily answered almost immediately, quickly trying to hide her first thoughts, "Well, I'll take it down then."

Severus didn't bother to respond; instead he went over to pour himself a glass of whiskey.

"Severus, it's eleven in the morning," Lily's voice admonished him, "And you shouldn't be drinking at all if you have a meeting this afternoon. Going in stinking of liquor isn't going to make a good impression."

Severus turned unimpressed eyes upon her as he finished filling the glass, "Still as self-righteous as ever, I see."

"You don't even like alcohol," she stated, ignoring his jibe.

"And how would you know that?" he took a long drink from his glass, though felt slightly dizzy as he lowered the glass back onto the table.

Lily sighed and walked over to sit in the armchair, clearly not willing to engage in another argument. After a moment Severus walked over and sat on the couch. The two of them sat in awkward silence for a moment.

"So…" Lily turned to him, "Do you work?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Are you employed?"

"Are you?" he returned, his tone slightly defensive.

"No," Lily replied, "From your tone I'm guessing you aren't either."

Severus shifted, not likely the feeling of shame that came over him at the truth. Honestly, he hadn't had to work in the past year. His grandfather, his mother's father, had seen to it that the small amount of money that he had settled on Cadence when the boy had turned up at his home at seventeen went to Severus after his death. There had never been any bitterness from his grandfather, not like there was from his grandmother, when he was a child. He and Lily had even visited them, once, but the ill-treatment Lily had received from them meant that he never returned. His grandfather had died when Severus was seventeen; therefore, he had never had the opportunity to thank him for the money.

"Severus?"

He glanced over at her.

"How did it happen? Your mum…"

He held her look for a moment before leaning back against the backrest, "A potion. She did it herself." He almost smirked at the horrified look on her face. "Ironic, isn't it? Hasn't done magic in years but she still manages to make herself a lethal potion."

Lily looked away from him.

"That must make all this very difficult for you to deal with," she said, quietly.

Severus tensed, his mind grasping for some biting comment to snap at her in return.

Lily raised her eyes to his. He immediately averted his own.

After a second Lily stood and walked over, plopping herself down on the couch next to him. Severus immediately shifted so that he was as close to the edge as possible, as her knees brushed against him while she tucked her legs beneath her. She leaned sideways against the couch, "You know…when my dad died, I didn't feel like talking either."

"I know," Severus responded, tersely. He remembered very well the awful weeks following the death of William Evans; he remembered seriously wondering if Lily would ever return to normal. The light in her eyes had left; he had been certain it would never come back. They had been fourteen at the time; and Severus had had no idea how to act around her. He couldn't even relate to the idea of having a loving father, never mind _losing _said father. But she would ask for him; would invite him over. He didn't have the heart to say no, despite the awkwardness he felt at the house at that time. And the two would sit in silence for hours; he would hold her hand while they watched ridiculous television programmes and that seemed to be enough for her. Slowly, she became the girl he thought he'd never see again.

He felt Lily's fingers brush tentatively against his. He drew his hand closer to himself, knowing well-enough what she was asking. He didn't need her to hold his hand. He saw her draw her own back and lay it in her lap at his response.

He didn't need it. But he wanted it, his own subconscious told him, as he looked at the freckled hand. As a child he'd thought nothing of holding her hand; they would grasp each others almost daily as one would drag the other to their desired location. Eventually, as they'd gotten older, he'd stopped doing it. She would do it occasionally; though only in certain circumstances. Like when he would try to walk away from an argument.

"Severus," she spoke softly, "It'll get easier."

He raised his eyes to hers.

"I know," he said, then stood, "I should get ready." She only nodded as he turned and made his way out into the hallway.

* * *

Lily didn't go back the evening following dropping off Eileen's burial outfit. Though she and Severus hadn't been close in the past few years, she knew well enough that he was struggling to deal with Eileen's death. She'd noticed the scattered debris of his father's prized answering machine in the hall when she'd come in that morning; other than his television, the answering machine that he'd won in a charity auction at work had been something the old man had treasured. Tobias Snape had been very focused on material goods; goods he could rarely afford to provide.

Lily also knew that Severus wouldn't be willing to properly mourn if she was around him too often. So she gave him time and didn't return until the day before the funeral, to see if he needed any further help in time for the event.

As Severus pulled open the door, she noticed the slightly taken aback expression on his face. He raised an eyebrow, "What brings you back here?"

"Well, I told you I would help, didn't I?" she smiled.

Severus didn't say anything, just walked away and left the door open. She quickly pushed aside any surprise she felt at being so easily admitted into the house and walked in, closing the door behind her. As she walked into the living room, her surprise turned to shock, when she noticed that the furniture in the main room had been completely reorganised and the photos and papers that had a few days before been scattered everywhere were now out of sight.

"Wow," she said, closing the door behind her, "You've been busy."

Severus sat down on the couch.

"The funeral arrangements were concluded yesterday," he stated, lifting a copy of the Daily Prophet that was on the coffee table and proceeding to read through it.

Lily stood quietly for a moment, slightly confused at the little resistance he'd provided, then took off her coat, placing it neatly over the back of the chair. She walked over and sat down beside him on the couch. She noticed him scoot closer to the edge again, as he had done a few of days before. She glanced briefly at the paper.

"Anything exciting going on?" she asked.

"Apparently there's a war."

Lily couldn't help but smirk a little at the response, "Anything else?"

"Not really," he said, turning the page.

Lily was hesitant for a moment before looking towards the television in the corner of the room. Well, if Severus didn't have anything for her to do then why not?

"Do you mind if I…?" she nodded towards the television when he looked at her.

Severus glanced at the television then back at her, before turning back to the paper, "Whatever."

Lily stood and made her way to the television. As she flicked from the first channel to the second, she was delighted to discover that _Casablanca_ was showing and only fifteen minutes into screening. She hadn't seen the film in years, not since she was eleven.

"You remember this?" Lily looked at Severus with a bright smile, as she came back to sit next to him, "We watched it the summer before Hogwarts."

Severus glanced briefly at the television, "I remember." He went back to reading.

Lily sighed, only slightly disappointed at his indifference, and leaned back on the couch, curling her legs beneath her as she made to watch the film.

* * *

As the film progressed, Lily had slowly begun to lean closer to him. He could feel her arm lightly resting against his as she focused intently on the television screen. He was tempted to shift; to move closer. But he resisted and, instead, had been sitting stiffly for the past fifteen minutes as he listened to her; quiet giggles every now and then; soft sighs every so often. At certain particular moments she would glance at him, to see if he was watching. Eventually, after the third time of her looking he'd tossed the paper onto the coffee table and turned his attention to the film. 

He could only just remember the film; some love story or something, he was sure, set during the muggle war. Lily, although she wouldn't admit it, always was a sucker for romance. Had always been drawn in by a love story; the more tragic the better.

She laughed this time; rather than the small giggles she'd been giving before. Her body shook for a couple of seconds and, when it stopped, her arm rested more heavily against him. The feeling was a small comfort to him; it was the closest human contact he'd had in months. He allowed his fingers to lightly brush against hers.

She rapidly turned her head to look at him. He only glanced at her out the corner of his eye, suddenly feeling both embarrassed and irritated with himself. Then her felt her slip her hand into his; his own twitched, as he tried to decide between leaving it or pulling it away. He glanced quickly at her without moving; a tiny smile played on her lips but her eyes were focused back on the screen. What harm could it do? He relaxed, allowing himself the contentment her touch brought to him.

* * *

Lily sighed and smiled sadly as the film ended, "It's tragic, isn't it?" 

Severus smirked, reminded of his earlier thoughts, "Serves her right for falling in love with two men."

"What?" Lily gaped at him, turning to look at him, "It wasn't her fault! She thought Victor was dead!"

Severus shrugged, "Still; she put herself in that position. Obviously she couldn't have been _that _sure he was dead."

"Were you even paying attention?" Lily straightened, "It's a war; the officials told her he was dead."

"Well, she didn't exactly wait long before going after that Rick guy," Severus pointed out, "Seemed to me she wasn't too keen on her husband to begin with."

"No no, she did love her husband, I'm sure," Lily insisted.

Severus noticed their hands were still clasped lightly together. Suddenly, and unwillingly, Potter sprang to mind. Severus looked back at her, his eyes darker this time, "I suppose women are just fickle in general."

Lily's brow furrowed slightly, then more so as she realised the meaning behind his words. She straightened indignantly and snatched her hand from his, "I should go. It's late."

"Yes, you should," Severus said, already feeling the brimming of anger towards himself start up.

"I'll come by before twelve tomorrow," she said, standing.

"What for?"

"I thought you might want someone to come with you," Lily said, not looking at him as she pulled on her coat, "I can drive us."

Severus made to protest but she when she lifted her eyes to his he lost the words. She gave him a small smile, one he knew was forced, "Goodnight."

Severus only nodded as she turned and walked out of the room.

* * *

Lily had shown up just after eleven thirty that morning, dressed in a black dress that did nothing to hide the womanly curves she'd developed in the years they'd been estranged. Severus couldn't help but stare at her as she'd walked in front of him towards the car; then was left feeling guilty during the journey to the crematorium. There he was about to watch his mother go on to her eternal resting place, and all the while he lusting after some girl. He'd glared out the window with a scowl, disgusted with himself for more than one reason. 

The ceremony had been short; he'd kept composed. Lily had tried to take his hand as the director spoke but he resisted that time. There were few people at the event; though, to his shock, his grandmother had been one of them. He hadn't spoken to her. She had glanced at him, started over and then stopped when she'd noticed Lily at his side. He was glad of it; she had never made the effort when his mother was alive, why start now?

As the coffin drifted from the room he'd felt his composure waver. His mother was leaving him; forever. He was completely, finally, alone. He hated his mother at that moment; her words had come back to him._"I promise you I won't cause you any more pain." _And he'd scoffed at them. Lily, at his side, had glanced at him at that and then reached for his hand again. That time he'd held it tight.

Eileen Elizabeth Snape,

Beloved Wife and Mother,

Born March 17th 1935

Died October 21st 1979

* * *

Severus looked over at Lily who was sat next to him on the couch once again, giggling at something on the television. He hadn't said anything when she'd also gotten out of the car following the funeral and followed him into the house. There was no reason for her to be there this time. Everything was done. It was finished. 

She turned to him with a bright smile, obviously expecting some sort of reaction from him to the programme they were watching. When he only raised an eyebrow at her she rolled her eyes and turned back to the television with a smile. He didn't want her to leave. Once she left she might never come back. But then, it was better that way.

Why?_Why _had she been so intent on renewing their friendship? He wondered if that was true; if she would bother to contact him again now that she had no excuse to. There was no reason to. He wondered if there was something going on with her and Potter. Every time he'd seen her over the past week she'd been dressed in muggle clothing, which suggested she hadn't been in the wizarding world. Of course, she might have been. That may have been where she was during the few days she hadn't come to pester him.

He watched her; she was smiling again as she watched the screen. He couldn't remember the last time she'd been so content in his company (before the previous evening, of course). When she left that would be it; he'd be alone. Her fingers were brushing his again, lightly. Suddenly he needed to reach out; he needed her to know there was hope. That he wanted her to keep trying.

"Lily," he spoke her name softly.

She turned to look at him, her smile still on her face, though her expression was slightly inquisitive.

He swallowed and was quiet for a second before saying, softly, "Thank you."

Her smile slowly faded from the happily animated one to one of compassion. She tipped her head to the side slightly, "Anytime."

Severus held her look for a moment. She was close. So close. If he just leaned forward; and he did, cautiously. He noticed Lily looked nervous for a moment before her eyes drifted closed; she leaned towards him, slowly as well. He could feel her soft breath against his lips; feel her fingers curl around his; her soft hair as it drifted forward and brushed against his cheeks.

And then he came to his senses and jerked back from her. Lily's eyes flew open as the couch shook slightly at his movement. They held one another's look for a moment; then she frowned and her neck and cheeks flushed scarlet.

"I…I should go," she quickly stood, "Um…I…" she grabbed her coat quickly, her hands shaking, "I…uh…bye." She turned and almost scampered from the room.

Severus watched after her. As he heard the door slam shut, he was left alone and once again left to consider what an idiot he became whenever Lily Evans was in the room.


	14. Interlude II

Interlude II

_December 1973 _

The Evans's household had always been welcoming of him, with the exception of Petunia, that is. So, when Lily had told him that her parents had offered to have him stay with them over Christmas if he wished to he had jumped at the chance. He hadn't even planned on leaving Hogwarts that Christmas; he no longer had any desire to be at home. With each passing day his frustration with his mother had grown; why wouldn't she just throw the bastard out on the street? Severus had long lost any affection he may have felt towards his father; he began to wonder if Cadence's final statements had been truly as unjust as he'd once thought them.

Now it was Christmas night. Severus had been more than a little mortified when he found several presents under the tree for him that morning from Mr and Mrs Evans, when he hadn't even thought to buy them something. When Lily had laughed and told her parents they had quickly assured him that there was no need for any thoughts like that; _"you're just a boy, Christmas is your time". _Severus kept to himself the fact that he had received more gifts from them than he ever had at home. He made a mental note to make sure he saved and got them something special the following year.

"Don't you just love Christmas?" Lily grinned at him, as they sat facing each other, crossed-legged on her bed.

Severus gave her a small smile. His smiles were a rarity these days. Hogwarts hadn't been the Haven he'd dreamed; if anything it just made everything seem worse. There was no sanctuary from his father; no escape from James Potter and Sirius Black.

Severus noticed Lily was playing with something between her fingers, "What's that?"

Lily tossed it over to him, "It's mistletoe. Apparently if you stand under it someone's meant to kiss you."

"What for?"

Lily shrugged, "I dunno. For fun, I guess."

_How exciting, _Severus thought with a snort as he twirled it between two fingers.

"Careful," Lily warned, "You'll rip it."

Severus put it down on the bed between them. Lily lifted it back up again and looked at it thoughtfully for a moment. She raised her eyes to his, "Sev?"

"Yeah?"

"Have you ever kissed anyone?" she asked, "At Hogwarts?"

Severus was stunned at the question and felt a blush creeping up his neck, over his cheeks, "What?"

Lily giggled, "You heard me."

Severus rocked back and forth slightly before responding, "No. Have you?" He didn't know why, but his stomach clench at the idea that someone else might've kissed her. She was _his_friend. He didn't want other boys putting their lips all over her.

She shook her head, "Nope."

Severus held back the sigh of relief he wanted to give in response.

"If…uh…if you want…" Lily was talking quickly, "We could try it…kissing, I mean."

"With you?" Severus spoke quickly.

"Uh…well yeah…I mean, only if you want to…"

"Do_you _want to?"

"Oh yeah, sure…I want to."

"Really?"

"Yes!"

Lily was blushing furiously at this point and the mistletoe whirled quickly between her fingers as she nervously twirled it. Severus was almost stunned speechless at the suggestion. But he quickly regained his composure, not wanting to miss the opportunity.

"Well, yeah, okay…" he began, cautiously.

Lily looked at him and gave a nervous smile, "Okay."

The two of them sat completely still as they stared at each other.

"I…uh…I think, maybe, one of us has to move," Lily said.

Severus nodded, "Valid point." He nervously pulled himself up onto his knees and shuffled closer to her. His heart was pounding so hard against his chest he was sure she would be able to hear it. He swallowed nervously as he leaned towards her and, as she moved to meet him, the two of them promptly bumped noses.

"Sorry," Severus said quickly, as they pulled back. Lily giggled nervously and then, with a self-confidence Severus had been unable to muster, she reached over and cupped her hand against his cheek and drew him back to her. This time his lips successfully, albeit awkwardly, reached their destination.

She tasted sweet, like the sticky toffee pudding they'd eaten earlier. He hesitantly moved his lips against hers, his only knowledge of the experience learned by what he'd heard from boys in the common room. He felt her lips part slightly beneath his own and did the same.

Suddenly he became very aware of his hands and the fact that they were hanging like spaghetti at his sides. He quickly grabbed her waist. He felt her other hand, which he assumed had been limp like his, grasp his upper arm.

He quickly went back to focusing on what his lips were doing and, just as he was finally getting the hang of it, the bedroom door suddenly burst open.

Severus and Lily flew apart like fireworks.

Severus turned and saw Petunia standing there with a look of disgust on her face.

"What is it, Tuney?" Lily muttered, blushing furiously once again.

"Mum says supper's ready," Petunia said and, with another disgusted look at Severus, she turned and strode from the room, leaving the door open.

Severus glanced embarrassedly at Lily. She smiled and giggled, before she reached over and grasped his hand, tugging him out of the room. As he was dragged down the stairs, he was sure he'd just been given the sweetest Christmas present he'd ever receive.

* * *

Author's Note: This scene was loosely inspired from the first scene in the children's novel 'Noughts and Crosses' (the first in a trilogy of wonderful books) and also the fact that, at the beginning of high school, many girls I knew had actually 'planned out' their first kiss with boys they had no intention of being with relationship-wise. Picking out the boys with the nicest looking lips, nicest smelling deodorant…etc. Memories…haha. I hope you liked it. 


	15. Push, Pull I

Chapter Eleven

Lily wasn't sure what had caused her to flee more; the fact that Severus had been about to kiss her or the fact that she had wanted it to happen. She felt an unfamiliar churning in her stomach as she ran down the dark street. She could have apparated; but she wanted to run. The last time she'd felt this awful had been the night of her Defence Against the Dark Arts O.W.L. Why had he been about to kiss her?

But that wasn't the question that burned in her mind. No, the question she really wanted to know the answer to was this one; why did he stop?

She felt a deep pang of guilt at the realisation and pushed it to the back of her mind. Of course, she hadn't _really_wanted him to kiss her. She had just been caught up in the moment. It was a matter of ego, really; he had been about to kiss her and then, for some reason unknown, had decided; no, I've changed my mind. Never mind the fact that she's sitting there in front of me with her eyes closed waiting for it like an absolute buffoon. Lily felt herself become hot with embarrassment.

She couldn't believe what had happened. Just a few days ago he'd been firing insults at her by the second. Then again; hate didn't necessarily prevent lust. The idea only made her feel worse; she didn't want to be just lusted after by him.

In fact, she quickly corrected her thoughts; she didn't want to be anything by him. She probably would never see him again now, anyway.

She felt hot, bothered and the guilt churned in her gut sickeningly. She slowed and gasped for breath; her chest ached from the run. Where had the days gone when she could run a mile without thinking anything of it?

Her previous train of thought resumed as she leaned heavily against a fence; trying to steady her breathing. The worst possible thought came to her; it was because he didn't want to kiss _her._It was because of what she was. _A mudblood. _Of course, the idea of even touching her must have been disgusting to him.

If possible she began to feel worse.

And then she thought of James again; the reason for her guilt. How could she have even considered doing that to him? Yes, they hadn't exactly been close as of late, but _cheating?_No. She would never, _could_never do that. It was something she just wouldn't do; ever. She wasn't that girl.

With a deep breath, she proceeded into the garden she had stopped outside of and hurriedly headed up the path. She knocked on the door quickly.

A couple of seconds later, James Potter pulled open the door.

"James," she cringed, inwardly, at the desperation in her voice.

"Lily?" he frowned, stepping aside so she could come into the house, "Are you all right?"

"Yes, yes, I'm fine," she gave him a forced smile, glancing around the hallway as he closed the door behind her, "Are your parents home?" she turned back to look at him.

James shook his head, "No. They're…"

She cut him off with a hungry kiss; pushing him back up against the wall. James responded awkwardly at first, attempting to speak but she kept her lips firmly against his as she reached to tug off his robes.

* * *

Severus wasn't surprised when he still hadn't heard anything from Lily a week later. Of course she would leave. It was Lily, after all. She'd gotten what she wanted; wanted to prove that she could control him; that she had some sort of power over him; that he had forgiven her. She always did have to have the upper hand.

Severus was completely and utterly disgusted with himself. How could he have been so stupid as to let himself be drawn in by that manipulative, deceitful, self-righteous–

"Severus!" he was startled from his thoughts as Regulus appeared beside him.

He was brought back to his current surroundings; Malfoy Manor. Lucius had invited him and Regulus over for a 'discussion' regarding his sponsorship. It seemed that the master wasn't too impressed with either of them lately and Lucius was bearing the full brunt of the Dark Lord's fury. And, consequently, Regulus and Severus had had to sit in his office for almost an hour as Lucius vented _his_fury; thankfully, his was expressed verbally rather than by the curses both knew Lucius had bound to have received.

Regulus was too _soft _according to the Dark Lord. Severus was too _distracted._Forget the fact that his mother had been dead less than a fortnight. Severus seethed; the Dark Lord truly knew nothing of emotion.

"You've been staring at nothing for almost ten minutes," Regulus said, "You all right?"

"Yes," Severus replied, tensely. Regulus had continued to fuss over him at every opportunity since his mother's death. Lucius, thankfully, had offered only brief condolences and then resorted back to his usual cool manner. Severus preferred it that way; why did people like Lily and Regulus have to insist that he was so weak he couldn't deal with his mother's passing? Everyone dies.

At that moment Narcissa came into the room; she smiled brightly upon seeing the two boys in the parlour; "Severus, Regulus! Lucius never informed me that you were coming this evening."

"Just a quick meeting," Regulus shrugged.

"Well now that you're here you both must stay for dinner," Narcissa said, sitting down on the couch.

"That really isn't necessary," Severus protested.

"Please, I insist."

Something was strange about her; she seemed awfully _jovial_for Narcissa. Regulus seemed to notice her behaviour also.

"You feeling all right, Cissy?" he raised his eyebrows, curiously.

Narcissa suddenly burst into a bright smile, "Lucius hasn't told you, then?"

Severus saw Regulus glance at him out the corner of his eye.

"Told us what?" Severus felt uncomfortable; he hated not knowing things and Narcissa was fairly accomplished at occlumency.

"I'm pregnant."

Severus very nearly let his surprise show on his face; however, managed to stop it from doing so just in time. Regulus, on the other hand, was staring wide-eyed at his cousin.

"Pregnant, you?" he stuttered.

Narcissa frowned a little, "Why yes, of course me."

"That's wonderful news, Narcissa," Severus said, a genuine smile tugging at his lips, before Regulus could say anything even more moronic.

Narcissa smiled at him.

"Yeah, I mean, it's great," Regulus said, quickly, "I just…I just never imagined you being…I mean…"

"Shut up, Regulus," Severus rolled his eyes, though his expression was slightly animated. He couldn't help but be happy for her and Lucius; he knew very well how desperately they'd been trying for a child. Lucius had even come to him earlier that year to ask if there was any sort of spell or potion he could make to help the process. Not at all familiar with the process of birth and contraception, Severus had reluctantly told his old friend that he was unable to help.

"Where is Lucius?" Narcissa asked.

"He was told to report to the Dark Lord after telling us off," Regulus said. Severus shot him a glare but said nothing.

"Telling off?" Narcissa raised an eyebrow.

"Just business," Severus stated, dismissively, "Nothing important."

Narcissa looked unconvinced, "A 'telling off' where the Dark Lord is concerned is hardly unimportant."

"We've been very bad Death Eaters," Regulus gave a pout. Severus swore he would smack the boy over the head; was he insane? He really had no idea the trouble he could be in; if the Dark Lord was to see this incident in his mind!

Honestly, some people could be right idiots at times.

* * *

If possible, Lily felt worse now that she had done a week earlier. Of course, James had been delighted with the visit. It had been almost a month since they'd done…it. Now she felt sick thinking about it; how could she think rushing off and having sex with James would make any difference? She really was a fool. Naïve, just like Severus would call her. Not that she'd ever tell him that's what she'd done after he…

She quickly put any thoughts of the potential kiss out of her mind. Obviously it had meant nothing; he hadn't bothered contacting her since the incident – if it could even be called that.

She hadn't spoken to James since; she hadn't even stayed the night. She'd rushed home a mere half-hour after the deed was done and, for some unknown reason, had cried herself to sleep. She'd been disgusted with herself; she still was. That she had used her body as a means of making it up to James.

Worse than that, Severus was constantly in her mind; his name on her lips when she woke. That same question going over and over in her mind. Her own insecurities built; he was angry at her, she knew. But did he truly hate her? Find her disgusting? If he were to meet her on the field again would he bother to protect her? Or would he be willing to fight her; to raise his wand to her?

She stared at the ceiling.

She thought back to those eight years they had been friends; how different the dream of Hogwarts had been for them. The day she found out being muggle-born was everything; the first time Severus ignored her in the halls; the first time she'd rejected going to Hogsmead with him in favour of her Gryffindor friends; the day she had smirked as James tormented him…

Severus had been her constant. He had always been there; every day for eight years. No matter how hard she pushed him he always came back. They were like two magnets. They would fight; they would make up. That's how it was. He would go with the Slytherins; she would go with the Gryffindors. But they'd always come back to one another. And she came to depend on that. She'd never once thought they'd not be friends; that one day he'd have had enough.

She had intended to end their friendship that day; she'd forgotten everything. Their past; their memories; their friendship. She was willing to give it all up because it was easy. It was easier to say goodbye than to keep fighting for them. She had taken him for granted. Had assumed he'd take her back when she asked for it; because, honestly, when she'd ended the friendship, a part of her, at the back of her mind, _was_ sure she could just 'snap her fingers' like he said.

And now she wanted him. Just like he had wanted her as a child.

Morals be damned.

Lily rolled off the bed and walked over to sit at her desk. She snatched a piece of paper from her desk and looked for a pen; she had always preferred muggle pens to the quills she had to use at school. She took a deep breath as she put pen to paper.

* * *

Severus looked up at the tapping of the snowy owl at the window. He kept his eyes on it for a moment; he knew who it was from. Of course he knew. It was whether or not he wanted to know what she had to say that was the issue. After a few moments he stood and went to allow the bird access. As it had done several weeks before, it swooped around the room, dropping the note as it did so, before flying back out the window.

With a sigh Severus walked over and lifted the note.

_Severus,_

_Forgive my hasty exit last week. Let me make it up to you. I hear a film favourite of yours is on this coming Monday night at 8; can I come over?_

_Lily, x_

Severus frowned at the note in confusion. That was it? A week of nothing and now this?

Then he wondered to himself; what did he expect? A declaration of love? A furious objection to his presumptuous action?

He sat down on the chair, eying the piece of paper in his hand, as he contemplated her request. It was what he had wanted; he had wanted her to keep trying. He just wasn't sure if he _still_wanted her to keep trying. What had happened that night had been dangerous. But he had resisted; he couldn't help but think of that proudly. Despite any temptation, any fantasies he'd had over the past few years he hadn't given in.

But she still made him feels things he shouldn't; sometimes things he didn't even know he could feel. But he wanted that, he knew deep down. His mind made up he stood and made his way over to the desk.

* * *

Lily scrambled up from her bed as the owl flew into the room and dropped a note on the floor. She walked over and lifted it, feeling nervous as she remembered the last time she'd done so. She unfolded it;

_If you insist._

_Severus._

A slow smile spread over her lips.


	16. Push, Pull II

Chapter Twelve

Severus had warring emotions regarding the upcoming Monday night; a part of him was anticipating the occasion; the other had very strong reservations. He was still confused as to what she meant by it; had she thought nothing of what had almost transpired? A dreadful thought had come over him at that; the very real possibility that the reason for her visit was that she wanted to _talk_ about it. The last thing he wanted to do was to sit and meditate on his moment of weakness; particularly not with her, of all people. Despite this concern, he had not written to prevent her visit.

Perhaps it was because he liked that _he _was the one calling the shots this time; she no longer expected him to bow to her whims. At least, that's what he'd gathered from the fact that she had actually bothered to ask rather than just showing up on his doorstep.

Despite that small respect she had demonstrated, he knew better than to go on expecting that of her. More than likely she was using the occasion to attempt to prove that _she _was the one in control; attempting to manipulate his emotions. Well, she certainly wouldn't succeed at that. He'd already resisted; he would continue to do so.

A knock at the door announced her arrival.

Lily greeted him with a bright, what he knew to be fake, smile and, through a very brief use of legilimency, he was surprised to find that she was extremely nervous. He raised an eyebrow at her as he turned and headed back into the living room. He thought he heard her sigh quietly behind him as she followed him through.

He immediately sat down on the couch upon entering the room. Lily seemed hesitant for a moment before walking over and seating herself on the chair, tugging her jacket off as she did so. He forced himself not to respond to the apparent insult; so she wanted to make herself unattainable. That didn't bother him in the slightest.

"I thought you wanted to watch something?" he almost spat the question and she jumped slightly at his tone.

Her eyes narrowed before she answered him, "I do."

"Well," he motioned with a brief point at the television.

"It's not time yet," she said, coldly, "The film doesn't start until eight."

"Then why did you come over at this time?"

Lily straightened, clearly becoming irritated, "Obviously I didn't want to use your home as a cinema. I thought we were going to watch it together." She eyed the book on the coffee table in front of him.

"I never said we weren't," he snapped back.

"Usually when two people plan to hang out, they spend some time before the film…uh…talking and stuff," she seemed to stutter over the last couple of words.

_Talk. Of course._

"I don't want to talk."

"For God's sake, Severus, if you didn't want me to come by you should've just said," she snapped at him.

Severus was quiet.

"Fine," she stood, "I'll just leave then."

"No," the word escaped his lips before he could think. He quickly corrected himself, "I said you could come over. So sit down and stop being overdramatic."

"Oh, I'm being overdramatic, am I?" she glared at him.

"Yes."

"Who's the one barking at me for no reason?" she snapped, angrily.

"Just sit down, Lily."

"No, I don't think I will."

"For Merlin's sake," he uttered, shaking his head and standing. He walked past her to the drinks cabinet, "Maybe a drink will loosen you up."

"Loosen_ me _up?" she said in disbelief, "Excuse me, you're the one who's been acting like a complete arse since I walked through the door."

"Do you want a drink or not?" he said as he filled his own glass.

Lily eyed the bottle for a minute, "I don't really drink."

"Very well," he closed the bottle and headed back to the couch, "Water or orange juice in the kitchen." He looked over at Lily once he was seated; she stood, looking at him with a look of complete bafflement for a moment before she turned and walked into the kitchen.

Severus swore he would curse himself later for the relief he felt when she didn't leave the house.

A few moments later she appeared back in the living room with a glass of orange juice in her hand. Severus glared at her back as she sat on the chair again, but quickly averted his eyes when she looked over at him. The two sat in awkward silence for a few moments.

"So," Lily began, Severus turned his eyes to her, "How was your weekend?"

Severus held her look for a moment, "Uneventful."

Lily nodded, looking around the room for a moment, before going on, "I had to head down to Surrey. Petunia got married on Saturday; the man she married is simply awful. Vernon Dursley; urgh, even his name sounds horrible. Petunia Dursley, don't you think that sounds awful?"

Severus was almost smirking at the nervous ramblings she was spouting out.

"Yes. Awful," he said.

"I mean, he's just…God, I wouldn't go near him with a pole," she rambled on.

"Lily," he cut her off, "I get the idea."

Lily blushed, much to his surprise, and went silent again.

Severus actually wished he'd let her go on; her chatter was much more amusing than the awkward silences they kept settling into.

"How was it?" he broached.

"Huh?"

"The wedding."

"Oh. It was lovely. Petunia's dress was very pretty," she said, "And the flower girl was so adorable; she kept following her everywhere. You know how kids like pretty people. And mum was really happy; I mean, she was sad that she was really gone, you know, but she was still happy. Petunia moved to Surrey a few months ago, you see, so mum was already kind've used to it…" She suddenly cut off, looking embarrassed again.

"I see," Severus said, his tone distinctly amused, while his expression remained impassive.

Lily looked away from him and took a long drink from her glass. She nodded at the television, "The film will be starting in a couple of minutes." She stood to turn it on, then stopped and looked at him, almost cautiously. He raised an eyebrow and took a sip from his drink. Lily seemed to take that as approval and walked over to switch on the appliance. She kept a look at the screen for a minute before seeming satisfied that it was the right channel and then walked back to her seat.

After a few moments Lily shifted and turned to look at him, "Severus?"

He looked at her without moving.

"Do you mind if I sit over there? The light's shining on the screen from this angle," she said.

Severus was slightly puzzled but was careful not to let it show, "If you like."

She nodded and made her way over to the vacant spot next to him. He noticed she was careful not to touch him as she got herself comfortable, once again curling her legs beneath her. As her body relaxed, his tensed further. He wondered at his earlier disappointment, if that's what it was, when she had chosen the chair over the current spot. If anything, being nearer to her made his already warring thoughts go into overdrive once again.

He turned his attention back to the screen, in an attempt to put his mind back in order when, to his horror, he saw the opening title read "The Wizard of Oz." He heaved an irritated sigh with a glare out the corner of his eye at Lily. He noticed her lips twitch in an attempt to refrain from smiling.

He crossed his arms across his chest, bracing himself for the torture that was to come.

* * *

The Mark burned half an hour later. 

Severus couldn't believe his bad luck.

He glanced down at Lily who was watching the television with obvious enjoyment. The guilt he felt angered him. He was not willing to suffer the Cruciatus for tardiness just because it would displease her. He stood up. Lily looked up at him quickly, a slight look of confusion on her face.

"You have to go," he said, bluntly.

Lily frowned, "What?"

"I have just recalled prior plans I had made for this evening," he said.

Lily's eyes narrowed, "Oh. Just 'recalled' this now, did you?"

"Yes."

Lily stood, looking angry, "You know what, Severus; fuck you." She grabbed her jacket from the chair as she walked by it, and slammed both doors as she left the house.

Severus kept his eyes on the door for a moment before disapparating.

* * *

Regulus eyed the person hanging upside down in the middle of the room with apprehension. There were no ropes holding her there; she looked as if she were floating. He knew that girl; she had been in his year at Hogwarts. A Ravenclaw, he remembered. A mudblood Ravenclaw. His stomach tensed; he knew very well what was to come. This was no one of worth; just some mudblood to play with. 

At that moment Severus appeared at his side.

Regulus glanced at him, "What took you so long?" he asked, quietly.

"Nothing," came the short response.

Regulus didn't question further, knowing well enough when not to push a subject with him. Instead he turned back to the girl in the middle of the room.

"Regulus," Lucius hissed at his left, "Don't look at her."

Regulus immediately averted his eyes at Lucius' uneasy tone. Instead, he kept his eyes to the ground where there was nothing at all to focus on.

At that moment the Dark Lord appeared in the room. He cast his eyes over each of them; Malfoy; Dolohov; Rosier; Crouch; Rockwood; Karkaroff; Snape; Black. Satisfied that all were present, his expression became expectant. One by one they each kneeled before their master and kissed the hem of his robes; all the while declaring their devotion.

"Rockwood," the Dark Lord's immediately addressed him once the display was over, "What news?"

"I'm afraid I have very little, my Lord," Augustus Rockwood attempted to conceal his nervousness.

"You have been unable to find information regarding the matter we discussed?"

"I'm afraid that is correct, my Lord."

The Dark Lord stared at him for a moment; the atmosphere was expectant. All were aware of what was to come.

"Crucio," the Dark Lord breathed. Rockwood fell to the floor, his cries of agony echoing throughout the small room. It went on for almost a minute and then he lifted his wand, looking almost bored.

"As you see," the Dark Lord was addressing them all now, "We have company." With a wave of his wand, the unconscious girl in the middle of the room awoke. Regulus flinched slightly, earning a brief, but furious, glare from Lucius. She notably struggled, her lips moving desperately but no sound left them.

"It is time for some much needed training," the Dark Lord said, his voice threatening, "Lucius."

"Yes, my Lord?" Lucius answered immediately.

"Perhaps you have someone in mind?" the tone was expectant; as if he already knew the answer.

Lucius nodded and then his eyes turned and landed directly on him. Regulus' eyes widened somewhat as he desperately pleaded with his eyes; "_no. No; please, not me."_ After barely a second Lucius' eyes drifted past him to Severus; "Severus."

Severus stepped forward immediately.

"No," the Dark Lord hissed.

Severus stepped back to his original place.

With another breath the word '_Crucio'_ once again left the Dark Lord's lips and Lucius fell to the ground as the curse hit him. Regulus could tell he was desperate not to cry out; but he did.

The Dark Lord lifted the curse, "Perhaps that has refreshed your memory, Lucius."

"Yes, my Lord," Lucius uttered, weakly, "Regulus."

Regulus' blood ran cold. It had been planned. This girl was here for him; it was a test. He saw Severus glance at him out the corner of his eye. He swallowed and stepped forward, anxiously, desperately trying to keep it from showing on his face.

"Regulus Black," the Dark Lord turned his cold, red eyes to him, "It has come to my attention that you are often, how shall we put it,_unwilling _to participate in normal Death Eater activity. You are aware of what I refer to, I am sure?"

"Yes, my Lord."

"After a long _discussion _with your sponsor," he went on, "We have concluded that this is merely due to a lack of experience." He waved a lazy hand at the girl in the middle of the room; "Practice."

Regulus knew he paled at the order; and he hesitated. It was only for a moment, but it was enough. And less than a second later he was hit was an excruciating agony he had only ever felt once before. He was screaming, he knew it. Trying desperately to plead, to beg, but the only sounds that would leave him were his cries of agony.

"Hesitation will not be tolerated, Regulus," the Dark Lord was saying as the curse lifted, "Stand up."

Regulus weakly scrambled to his feet. He immediately pointed his wand at the girl in the middle of the room; "Sectumsempra," he said. The girl's began bleeding profoundly from her right arm. He didn't trust himself to use the Cruciatus; he was sure it would fail.

"Pathetic!" the Dark Lord uttered and once again Regulus found himself hit with the Cruciatus; this time longer.

When he managed to weakly get to his feet once again, he summoned every ounce of hate he was capable of and fired the Cruciatus at the girl. Suddenly the room was filled with her screams; the Dark Lord had lifted the silencing charm. Regulus' concentration was lost; she stopped screaming after only a few seconds.

"Are you trying to anger me, Regulus," the Dark Lord hissed, "I said practice!"

Regulus quickly fired the Cruciatus back at her; holding it. He could feel her pain; her screams as they echoed off the walls around him. And then, when he decided enough time had passed for him to release her from the pain he lowered his wand.

"Regulus, please," she gasped through pants of breath.

Oh, Merlin, she knew him.

"Continue," the Dark Lord said.

Regulus couldn't.

"Sectumsempra," the Dark Lord breathed.

Regulus screamed as he was suddenly hit by a thousand invisible knives; he collapsed to the ground as the blood poured from him. He raised desperate eyes to Severus as he gasped and cried in distress. Severus held his look; Regulus though he could see unease in the other man's eyes.

"Severus, if you will," the Dark Lord finally uttered after a few long moments.

Severus was at his side in an instant; slowly, as the counter-curse was sang softly at his ear, his wounds began to knit themselves together. The pain remained even once the effects had been reversed. Regulus remained on the ground when Severus stood and returned to his place.

"Get up," the Dark Lord's voice rang out.

Regulus pushed himself to his feet, trembling slightly as he did so.

"Is this not the absolute spectacle of wretched inadequacy?"

The other Death Eaters immediately expressed their agreement with nodding heads.

"If you anger me again, Regulus, Severus' services will not be needed; do you understand my meaning?"

"Yes, my Lord."

"Good. Now; practice."

Regulus lifted his wand, once again pointing it at the helpless victim in the middle of the room.

* * *

Severus left the meeting last, having been held behind by the Dark Lord. His master had warned him that, should his behaviour fail to improve, he would also face the same treatment Regulus had just experienced. Severus felt sick as he thought back to the events of the meeting. It seemed it had been called only for the purpose of humiliating the boy. 

The desperation in his eyes as he'd look to him for help would haunt him forever.

As he made his way through the trees he heard the soft sobs of a boy. With a frown he noiselessly moved towards the sounds of the distress. A few seconds later, he spotted Regulus sitting on a fallen log, his back to him, as he sobbed quietly, his hands covering his face.

Severus contemplated walking away. It was the easiest option. He wasn't the kind to comfort people; in fact, he hadn't even been around a tearful person in years.

But Regulus was just a boy. And the sobs escaping him were so reminiscent of the one's he'd once shed, locked away in his dorm at Hogwarts or in his room at Spinners End.

Severus quietly walked out into the opening and made his way to the log. He noticed Regulus' shaking body freeze and his hands frantically brush away the tears he'd cried as he sat down on the log next to him. Regulus kept his face turned away from him as he quietly tried to regain a normal breathing pattern.

Severus had no idea what to do.

Awkwardly he put a hand on the boy's shoulder and squeezed it gently. And, to both his shock and horror, the boy leaned into him slightly as his tears resumed quietly.

Severus resisted the natural urge to push him away. The boy needed a friend. He supposed he could use one too.


	17. Push, Pull III

Chapter Thirteen

Lily watched the ripples of water move out towards the sides of her glass as she allowed drips of it to fall from her straw. It had been a week since the disastrous visit with Severus; she really couldn't understand him. Why did he agree to the suggestion in the first place if he so obviously didn't want to see her? Although she hadn't exactly expected a warm welcome, the immediate hostility he had displayed towards her had startled her somewhat. She had thought after the 'incident' that, perhaps, things would have been different between them; that they were actually on their way to being friends again.

She sighed, dipping her straw into the water and lifting it back up to continue dripping the drops back into her glass.

"Nothing like the fine art of water-watching," Remus voice startled her from her thoughts as he sat down next to her.

Lily looked over at him with a smile as she dropped the straw back into the glass, "Hey."

"Hello," he smiled in return; he nodded out towards the dance floor where James and Sirius were dancing with several of their friends, "Not in the mood for dancing, I see."

She shook her head, "No; I haven't been in the mood for dancing for a while."

"Yeah, I've noticed," Remus said with a concerned look at her. Lily glanced at him out the corner of her eye before taking a sip from the straw.

"Do you want to talk about what's bothering you?" Remus offered.

Lily sighed and looked at him, then gave a small shrug, "It's a lot of things, really."

"Nothing in particular?"

_Severus._Lily looked over at the dance floor where James was gyrating in time with the music, much to the amusement of Sirius; "Remus, do you think I'm naïve?"

"What?" Remus asked with a bemused smirk.

Lily glanced at him briefly, and then looked back towards her boyfriend, "Naïve; too quick to believe what I want. Too easily fooled?"

Remus shifted, looking uncomfortable, "Where's this coming from?"

She looked down at her glass and slowly began stirring the liquid with the straw, she spoke quietly, almost a whisper so no one would overhear; "Did you know…Severus Snape told me you were a werewolf when we were at Hogwarts?"

Remus quickly glanced around the noisy pub, before looking back at her, also speaking quietly, "No. Dumbledore had spoken to him about it; warned him not to tell anyone."

Lily gave a small, humourless smile and nodded, "Yes, I know. He told me that as well."

Remus was quiet, waiting for her to go on.

Lily looked towards James and Sirius and then turned to look at Remus directly, "He also told me what happened that night; the night James apparently saved his life."

Remus averted his eyes, looking uncomfortable. He cleared his throat and wrung his hands slightly, "I…uh…I didn't have any part in that, Lily."

"Yes, I know," Lily quickly assured him, "I just…" She stopped and sighed. She shrugged, "I didn't believe him."

"Who? Snape?"

Lily nodded.

Remus frowned slightly and she knew the topic of conversation was confusing him. She went back to stirring the water.

"Does this have something to do with me letting slip that James never let up on Severus in our seventh year?" Remus asked.

Lily slowly stopped stirring and put the straw down on the table; "James promised me he had stopped. Right to my face, he promised me."

She couldn't help but blame James for part of the reason Severus seemed to hate her. No doubt Severus must've thought she'd known; that she hadn't cared about what had went on. That she truly _had_ dated his known adversary. Although he had never outright said it at Hogwarts, she had known how deeply affected he had been by the bullying of the Marauders. She'd known how he'd hidden from them; how their cruel remarks had hurt him, adding to the insecurities already present due to the treatment of his father. Her getting together with one of them; the one with whom he disliked most; it was no wondered he hated her. Her turning her back on him and joining the side of his worst enemy; it was the ultimate betrayal.

"Lily, James loves you," Remus said, "You're not going to let something he did over a year ago affect your relationship, are you?"

Lily kept her eyes on the table in front of them, "He deceived me. He made me seem like I was…" she cut off and rubbed a hand over her face, "I was an idiot. I should've known."

"What's gotten into you?" Remus asked with a frown, "You run into Snape lately or something?"

Lily sighed, "No."

"Lily…"

"Just, never mind," Lily shook her head, "It doesn't matter now, anyway."

"What doesn't matter?"

"Hey!"

Both Lily and Remus jumped as James appeared beside them, stumbling slightly in his drunkenness, "All right, Lily-flower?" he leaned down as gave her a wet kiss on the cheek. Lily noticed Remus' frown as she recoiled slightly back from him.

"Trying to steal my girl, Moony?" he grinned at Remus teasingly.

Remus gave him an uncomfortable smile in return, before casting an uneasy glance at Lily. She averted her eyes and forced a smile at James.

"She was just saying how she wanted to dance," Remus said.

Lily's eyes immediately flew to his; she frowned at him for a second before James exclaimed his delight and grabbed her hand, dragging her onto the dance floor.

* * *

The first time Severus had seen Regulus following their encounter in the woods, the boy had been mortified at the emotions he had let show. Severus couldn't help but be amused at the boy's embarrassment as he'd stammered an apology at his behaviour and was almost begging with him not to reveal the encounter to Lucius. Of course, Severus had no intention to reveal the incident to anyone; he was no more delighted with the encounter than Regulus had been, and he wasn't about to start broadcasting the fact that he had spent an hour sitting with a boy attempting to console him. The Dark Lord would most definitely make good of his promise to subject him to the same treatment the boy had received, should he learn Severus had sympathised with him.

Deciding it was time for him to offer some sort of notion of friendship, it was Severus who'd asked Regulus to "The Broom and Dragon", the pub they had attended several weeks earlier, that night. The boy had eagerly, albeit taken aback, accepted the invitation. And, so, the two were now seated at a table on the upper floor.

"What've you been doing with yourself the last few weeks, anyway?" Regulus asked.

"Nothing," Severus stated, as thoughts of Lily once again entered his mind.

"You were ignoring my notes," Regulus said, taking a drink, "You coping with your mum's death all right?"

"For Merlin's sake, yes," Severus hissed.

"Hey, I'm just making sure. You locked yourself up in your house for weeks, only coming out when the mark burned."

"I'm afraid my love of socialising diminished for those few weeks."

"You obviously don't think that badly of it," Regulus smirked, "Seeing as this outing was your idea."

In all honesty, part of the reason he had suggested the occasion was because he'd seen Lily from his window that evening; and she'd looked as if she intended to call upon him. Consequently, having sent an owl to Regulus, he had gone out the rear entrance to the house and disapparated to the pub, knowing well enough the boy would show up. The idea of facing yet another confrontation with the infuriating redhead was not appealing.

"Merlin," Regulus suddenly uttered with disgust. Severus glanced at him, then looked in the direction that he was looking; down at the first floor dance floor, where Sirius Black was dancing like a complete loon in the middle of the floor. Severus glared at him, doing nothing to hide his own hatred, before standing.

"Same again?" Severus stood and, not waiting for a reply, headed downstairs for the bar, careful to avoid the dance floor as he did so.

With an irritated grunt he managed to push his way through the mass of people blocking the way to the bar until he finally reached his destination. After ten minutes of standing there, staring at the lines of bottles lining the wall behind the bar a man came over to serve him. He stated the drinks before the man disappeared once again.

"Severus?"

He froze. At that moment Lily appeared at his side, looking up at him. He looked at her, completely baffled that, after all the trouble he had taken to avoid her this evening, she was _here._

"Lily," he muttered, coldly.

He noticed her bristle somewhat, "Did you manage to attend to your prior plans you almost missed last week?"

"Yes," he replied, tersely.

"Oh, well, that's wonderful," came her sarcastic response.

He glanced at her, "You seem rather disgruntled," he gave a brief glance around the pub, "I presume you are here with your…"

"Well, if it isn't Snivellus," Potter slurred, as he suddenly appeared at Lily side. He put an arm around her, drawing her possessively away, "Better stay back, babe, you don't want him getting his greasy hair all over you."

"James!" he heard Lily hiss.

Severus kept his eyes ahead and, much to his relief, his drinks arrived. He dumped a couple of coins onto the bar and, not waiting for his change, grabbed the drinks and made to walk away. Of course, Potter found it hilarious to stick his foot out as he attempted to manoeuvre past the sickening couple, the consequential stumble resulting in a glass of firewhisky falling with a smash to the ground. He was tempted; oh so tempted to hex the arsehole to China but forced himself to continue onwards, not before hearing Lily's;

"God James, you're such an arse."

Severus couldn't help the smirk that came to his lips as he heard it. He was even willing to sacrifice the one remaining glass of firewhisky to Regulus.

* * *

Lily had ended it with James that night; his brief encounter with Severus enough to unleash the irritation and resentment that had been building within her towards him for the past several weeks. Harsh words had been exchanged; he was an arse; she was frigid; he had deceived her; she was self-centred; as so on. Eventually she had blown up and declared the relationship redundant.

Remus had frowned knowing as she'd stormed by him. For a second she wondered if he knew what was going on.

And now, the following evening, she was once again standing on Spinners End where she had come three times over the past week, this being the third. Each time she had changed her mind; turned and went back home. He had made it clear he wanted nothing to do with her. And yet she couldn't help but come back.

Taking a deep breath, she determinedly made her way down the street and up to Severus' door; she knocked immediately, not allowing herself the opportunity to back out.

A short minute later the door popped open a couple of inches; no one greeted her. She frowned, cautiously reaching out and pushing the door open, and saw no one on the other side of the door. She stepped over the threshold, looking around nervously;

"Severus?"

"You're letting in a draft," his voice sounded from the living room.

She frowned, confused even further, but closed the door behind her and headed into the living room. Severus was sitting on the couch, reading through a book that was situated on his lap.

"The, uh, door was open," she said, by means of greeting and explanation.

"I know," Severus said, dispassionately, as he turned the page of his book, "I opened it."

"Oh."

There was a long silence which was filled only when Severus turned the page of his book once again. Lily shifted, nervously, as she looked around the room.

"Was there a particular reason for your visit? Or did you just wish to observe my reading abilities?"

Lily could feel herself growing hot as her mind went into overdrive, attempting to think of a plausible reason for her visit. Then, deciding to change her tactics, smirked, "The latter. Would you mind if I observe from the chair?"

She saw Severus raise an eyebrow, though he didn't look up from his book, nor did he answer her. She took that as approval enough and shrugged off her jacket, putting it over the back of the chair as always, before taking a seat.

A heavy silence settled over the two of them.

Lily shifted, finding it difficult to keep still as the awkwardness seemed to increase with each second that she was there.

"Lily," his voice startled her, "If you insist on remaining here, find something to occupy yourself with. I'd rather my chair wasn't worn down by your persistent shuffling."

Lily swallowed, uncomfortably, and looked around the room. She was reluctant to turn on the television; instead she stood and made her way over to one of the bookcases. After a brief skim over the titles she settled for a book titled; "The Fine Art of Potion Making". She hadn't brewed a potion since she'd left Hogwarts; a little reminder was welcome. She headed back to the chair and began to read.

Five minutes passed in silence.

Ten minutes.

Fifteen minutes.

Then Severus snapped his book shut. Lily looked up quickly at the sudden noise in the silent room.

"Enough of this," Severus said, tossing the book aside, "What do you want?"

Lily frowned, "Nothing."

"Nothing?" he raised an eyebrow, "Since when did you not want something?"

Lily sighed and closed the book she was reading, slightly disappointed that she obviously wouldn't be able to finish reading; "I already told you. I'm here for you."

Severus looked at her bemusedly, "Why would you imagine that I'm in need of your company? My mother is long gone and buried."

Lily didn't respond for a moment. When she did, the topic turned, "Did you enjoy yourself last night?"

Severus' eyes narrowed slightly, "You mean, in spite of that imbecile's display? Yes, I had a marvellous time, Lily; how about yourself?"

"I didn't know that James continued to give you trouble in seventh year," she said, though it came out fast, almost blurted out.

Severus raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

"I thought it had stopped," she added, quietly.

Severus kept his eyes on her for a moment; she kept her own averted. She always had the feeling that he could read her mind whenever he looked at her like that. The idea was unnerving.

"Does he know you're here?"

"No…"

"You can't have both of us, Lily," Severus' voice was cold.

Lily was confused by the statement. She wasn't aware that she _did_ have him. She turned her eyes to his; he met her look evenly, giving nothing of his thoughts away. She lifted her chin, slightly, "James and I are no longer together."

Severus kept his eyes on hers; his expression remained the same as it had been. Nothing at all indicated he had even heard the statement. She began to think he wouldn't respond when he finally said;

"How tragic."

She frowned while he smirked; he lifted the book he had tossed aside and opened it, resuming his reading. Lily kept her bewildered eyes on him for a few moments longer, before lifting the book she had been reading. Anything she read for the rest of the afternoon went completely over her head as she considered the encounter that had just taken place.


	18. Push, Pull IV

Chapter Fourteen

The Longbottoms had defied the Dark Lord three times now; and he wasn't happy about it. The couple were very high on his list of targets these days and Severus was sure that, sooner or later, the Longbottoms would pay the price for their defiance. Nothing angered the Dark Lord more than purebloods refusing to fight for the cause of blood supremacy.

At that moment, a familiar snowy owl flew into the room and dropped another note on the carpet. Severus leaned over in his seat to lift and read the item.

_Severus,_

_I believe you were once partial to my mother's lemon meringue pie. It just so happens that's what we're having for desert tonight and, not wanting to deny you your favourite treat, she was wondering if you wanted to come over for dinner this evening? Let me know._

_Lily. x_

Lily Evans was a mystery to him nowadays. As children the two had been able to read one another so easily; he was always aware of exactly what she wanted, what she was expecting. It was never something difficult; she really wasn't that complicated a person. Her morals were typically Christian, just like her mother. She defied prejudice of any kind; she believed everyone should be kind to everyone; she believed that anyone who didn't conform to her idea of 'good' were completely unpardonable.

It seemed that in the past couple of years her ideals had changed; or, at least, she was trying to give the impression that she had changed. Because, at this moment in time, he was everything she had once defied; he was involved in a prejudice organisation and certainly didn't act in ways that she would consider to be good. And yet, despite being completely and utterly aware of that fact, she was maintaining contact with him. This had been the third note this week that she had sent to him; and it perplexed him to no end.

He wondered if she had taken leave of her senses. She was still an Order member; he was still a Death Eater. There couldn't be two further extremes in their world.

Well, if she wanted to act like an irrational fool, so be it. But he'd be damned if _he _was going to engage in the same behaviour. He wrote a brief response;

_That would be inappropriate._

_S._

And sent it on its way.

The news that she had ended her relationship with James Potter had rocked him; and he'd very nearly let his own happiness at the occurrence show. But he would not be fooled. He had already suspected there had been problems between them in the first place; and the fact that she was now seeing sense, at least with regards to that arsehole, was nothing extraordinary. Whatever had been the insane basis for her attraction to him, it seemed to have disappeared. He was not fool enough to think her decision had anything to do with him.

Severus stood and made his way upstairs, intending to clear out the sty that was currently his bedroom.

* * *

Due to the current behaviour of his protégés, Lucius frequently found himself to be at the receiving end of several snide remarks and curses the Dark Lord thought to send. He was well aware of Regulus behaviour; though Severus had not informed him of anything unusual regarding his behaviour, any idiot would be able to notice the boy's resistant attitude. It had been Yaxley who had mentioned it to the Dark Lord; he had also thought it worthy to mention that Severus wasn't quite as enthusiastic about the activities either. Lucius despised Demetrius Yaxley and he was certain the feeling was mutual; both were often eager to exploit the other's weakness to the Dark Lord. It just so happened that the boys under his sponsorship were his these days.

Regulus was merely a boy; Lucius was sure he would grow into the role as he became accustomed to it. He had often seen a certain amount of resistance and uncertainty among new Death Eaters.

Severus was another matter. Although he, too, had had some difficulty regarding the duties of a Death Eater on the field in his first year of joining the fold, he had, of late, seemed far more out of touch with his role than usual. Perhaps it was due to the fact that he preferred more subtle methods of assisting; potion making, inventing spells and the like. He also put some of the behaviour down to the death of his mother; the reason he had given to the Dark Lord. Though the master had sneered at this, it seemed to be enough to prevent Severus from facing the same treatment that Regulus had faced. That and the fact that Severus never defied a direct order.

Lucius sighed and leaned back on the chair, his book left disregarded on his lap.

"Lucius?"

He turned as his wife walked into the room. He offered her a smile, "Narcissa."

"It's four o' clock in the morning," Narcissa said, pulling her night robe tighter around her, "Haven't you been to bed?"

"As of yet, no," he answered, placing the book on the floor. He reached a hand out towards her and, when she placed her hand in his, he drew her over to sit upon his lap, "What're you doing up at this time?"

"I was just hungry," she answered, dismissively, "You looked very deep in thought just now."

Lucius ran his fingertips over her stomach; she hadn't begun to show yet, "I was reflecting on your youngest cousin."

"Regulus?" she turned to look at him more closely, "Is there something wrong?"

"Perhaps," he said, watching his fingertips continue to trace circles over the fabric of her robe.

"He told me that the Dark Lord is displeased with him and Severus," she said.

Lucius nodded, "Indeed. Both have not been fulfilling their potential."

Narcissa was quiet for a moment; "They are both very young."

"They're older than I was when I joined," Lucius stated.

"Yes, I suppose that is true," she nodded, speaking quietly, "But Regulus…he is still very much a boy. You were far more mature than he is."

"Despite that, if he and Severus fail to improve then the penalty will not be pleasant," Lucius said.

"How so?"

Lucius shook his head, urging her to stand up and stood after her. He rarely shared as much information as he just did regarding his Death Eater duties; he certainly didn't want to get into the distasteful aspects of the role.

With a small smile, he placed his hand on her lower back, "Let's go back to bed."

* * *

Severus was only mildly surprised when he came face to face with Lily Evans on his door step the next afternoon as he made to dump a box of useless objects on the street. She, on the other hand, started noticeably when the door opened, which made it clear she had been standing there for a while. He eyed the plastic container in her hands; of course, she brought the pie as her excuse this time.

He raised an eyebrow at her, before walking by and dumping the box on the pavement.

"Are you cleaning out?" she asked from the doorstep.

"Obviously."

He walked by her once again, going back into the house, leaving the door open as he did so; his usual unspoken invitation. He was moving up the stairs at a speed that might be mistaken for jogging so did not see if she entered the house or not. It wasn't until he began to think that she had left that she appeared at the entrance to the bedroom, standing uncertainly at the door. Severus looked up at her and noticed the container she had been holding was no longer in her hands; he assumed that she had first made a stop in the kitchen.

"Do you need any help?" she asked, as she eyed the objects scattered around the room.

Severus didn't look up from the box he was filling, "If you like."

Although he didn't see her, he could very easily picture the expression of surprise that had come offer her when he offered neither resistance nor sarcasm to her request.

"Okay," she said, her voice slightly uncertain as she walked into the room. She took of her jacket and tossed it onto a pile of clothes that were lying on the bed; "Where do I start?"

"First; by putting your jacket on the chair," he said, still not looking up, "As of yet I have been unable to go through that stack of clothes."

"Oh," she quickly lifted her jacket and hung it, carefully this time, over the back of the chair.

"There's a list of categories on the desk."

"Categories?"

"Categories."

Severus looked up this time and saw her looking back at him with a slight grin. He frowned a little at her but said nothing as she lifted the parchment from the desk.

"Okay; academics - books, old school notes and textbooks, etcetera; potions – ingredients…"

"Leave any potion things to me," Severus interrupted.

He noticed her straighten her pose somewhat. He heard her give an irritated sigh as she read the remainder of the parchment in silence.

"So, how are you going about this?" she put the list down on the desk, "Just putting things in boxes."

"Yes," he said, impatiently, "As you may have noticed, there are labels on each of the boxes in here." He noticed her quickly glance at the boxes. He smirked slightly and turned his head quickly, going back to his own task.

* * *

Severus glanced over at Lily as she sat, legs-crossed, on his bedroom floor. She had his old Slytherin scarf in her hands and was slowly winding it around them as she stared into space, apparently deep in thought. She'd been there for several hours now and the room was now relatively tidy, with the exception of the small pile of things he was currently looking through. He looked over at the window; the darkness on the other side meant he could only see the reflections of his bedroom in the glass.

In the hours that she had been there they had barely spoken; other than the nonsensical chit-chat on her part, that is. She had mentioned, in a round about way, the loss of his mother by mentioning the quietness of the house as well as; _"Don't you get lonely living alone?"_ Though she'd looked rather embarrassed almost immediately after saying it; perhaps due to the bluntness of the question or perhaps due to his sharp _"no"_that she had received in response.

Something neither of them had brought up had been the subject of James Potter. Severus couldn't help but be curious as to what had transpired between them, much to his annoyance. They had seemed very much together the night he had seen them at "The Broom and Dragon"; however, the following day she had declared they had separated. And he couldn't help that small bud in his mind that had been growing; the idea that perhaps the break up had been sparked by his brief encounter with them. He didn't want to hope; hope was for fools.

But whenever Lily Evans was around, that's exactly what he became.

"So," Severus said, breaking into the long silence that had settled over them.

Lily quickly came out of her daze and looked at him.

"What brought about the tragic break up?" he asked. He was curious; but he wasn't going to flatter her with tender words.

Lily looked away, back down at the scarf and shrugged, "It's been a long time coming."

"Your senses finally returned," he raised an eyebrow.

She turned narrow eyes on him, "Why do you care?"

"I don't care," he scoffed, leaning back against the bed, "I'm just curious."

"It's none of your business."

"Now who's being the arse?"

She glared at him, "Relationships end. That's it."

"Oh, that's it?"

She turned her eyes back to the scarf, running it through her fingers, not bothering to respond.

Severus bit his lower lip for a moment as he eyed her; she didn't even seem all that upset about the event. That and her defensive attitude regarding it made it easy for him to assume that she was the one who had ended it. To be honest, he couldn't see James Potter willingly give away his pretty little girlfriend; his potential trophy wife. The idea of marriage between them made him want to vomit.

"You seem to be doing very well," he remarked.

Lily looked over at him; she held his look for a moment, a frown on her face, "Like I said it's been a long time coming."

He nodded in response; _weren't too resistant to cheating on him, either. _He decided against voicing that particular comment; doing so would only result in bringing up a topic of conversation he did _not_ want to have to deal with.

"Have you been in a relationship, Severus?"

_What?_

"What?"

She looked at him, curiously, "A relationship. You know, boy meets girl; boy and girl fall in love; boy and girl get married."

"I have engaged in the first part of your narrative; I'm sure you're well aware that I have never been in love, nor will I ever marry."

She frowned, lowering her hands to her sides, still gripping onto the scarf, "Never?"

"Never."

"But, how could you possibly decide that now. You haven't even been in love yet; when you are…"

"Are you trying to tell me in typical Lily-rambling fashion that you want to marry James Potter?"

"What?" she looked confused, "No. But, in the future, I hope to be married."

"It's not natural."

"What isn't?"

"Mating for life," he said, determinedly, "Being with only one person. It's not possible to be in love with one person constantly and unwaveringly until _'death do you part'_."

"Jeez, how romantic," Lily rolled her eyes.

"I'm not trying to be romantic."

Lily looked at him peculiarly for a moment, looking as if she wanted to say something. However, she must have decided against it because she lifted the scarf again to play with. A slightly awkward silence settled over them.

"Severus," she paused, her voice uncertain.

He looked over at her. She was peering intently at the scarf in her hands.

"Why didn't you kiss me?"

_Shit._If he'd had his wand in his hand he'd of hexed himself to Australia to prevent himself from having to answer the question. Instead, he pushed himself off the bed and went back to the final task he had to do. He could feel her eyes on him as he deliberately kept his head turned from her.

To his horror, she was suddenly at his side. He glanced at her out the corner of his eye. She was on her knees this time and, once again, seemed engrossed in the fabric of his scarf. He heard her draw in a breath, preparing to speak, but once again she seemed to think better of it and remained silent. She lifted the scarf and wrapped it around her neck; her eyes seemed to brighten as the green of the scarf curled around the dark red hair. She'd look amazing in Slytherin colours; the Gryffindor reds did nothing for her eyes.

He could smell the soft scent of her perfume when she rocked back and forward slightly. It was the same one she had started wearing when she was fifteen; he was transported back to a time in his youth when the scent would surround their embraces, the awkward ones they had shared during their final months of friendship and he was becoming more and more conscious of standing to close, touching her too often. He glanced at her out the corner of his eye again; and the question she had asked him several weeks ago played on his mind – _how did they get here? _

He pushed the treacherous thoughts to the back of his mind as he quickly went back to sorting out the things before him.

"Do you ever miss Hogwarts?"

"No."

She looked at him squarely, "Really? I always thought you preferred it there."

Severus didn't bother responding.

Lily gave a small, sad smile, "Remember when we were kids? We couldn't wait to go. We thought it'd be like a year-long sleepover everyday; and we'd spend all our time together learning new spells and potions."

"We did for a while."

"Yes, I suppose," she agreed, quietly.

Severus couldn't help but glance at her again, as she sat next to him, wrapped in green and silver; _if only. _She sensed his eyes on her and raised her own to his; she gave him one of her impish smiles. It had been so long since he'd seen it; years since it had been directed at him. She unwound the scarf from her neck, to his disappointment, and then surprised him by reaching over and wrapping it around his. She moved in closer to him, keeping her eyes on his face. He averted his eyes, his unease increasing as his body reacted to her closeness; he felt warm.

Her voice was quiet when she spoke again.

"Do you think things would've been different if we'd been sorted into the same house?"

_Yes._He didn't say anything but he let his eyes drift back to hers. She reached up, taking the fabric of the scarf between her fingers.

"I do."

When she looked back at him, Severus could've sworn that her eyes were darker. And he was certain that, if it were possible, his were too. He swallowed, wanting to look away, but his eyes kept locked on hers. His heart was pounding; he was drifting back to a time when he was thirteen, and he and Lily had decided to find out what all the fuss about kissing was. He was sure she could feel it; her hand was lightly touching his chest as she played with the fabric of the scarf. He felt her apply a little extra pressure with the back of her hand.

A smile tugged at the side of her lips and she spoke lowly, almost in a whisper, "Are you scared of me, Severus?"

He met her challenging eyes evenly and gave a small smirk in response, "You're the one who ran away."

He noticed her expression twitch somewhat but then she smiled. Her hand curled around the fabric of the scarf and, slowly, she drew him towards her.

There were so many reasons to stop. So many valid, rational, major reasons why it was _his _turn to run. But, instead, he let her lips meet his. And a warmth filled his body that had been lost long ago.

He reached for her, slipping an arm around her waist and drawing her close. She sighed against his lips, parting hers as she did so. She slid up onto his lap, kissing him softly, and he kissed her back; letting his untold emotions be revealed in that one moment. When he was convinced she couldn't be pulled any closer, his hands found her hair; fiery red slipping through his fingers.

She leaned in closer, which was physically impossible, pressing herself tightly against him and he felt his body react to the pressure. A hand tightened in her hair and she moaned gently against his lips as the kiss became more eager. Keeping on hand in her hair, he left the other fall to her lower back and hold her against him. He was vaguely aware of the scarf being loosened and tugged from his neck.

He drew back, both of them breathless, when she began to push his robes from his shoulders. He met her eyes; eyes filled with a desire he'd never seen before.

Her hands had stopped just below his shoulders. She took a deep breath and then raised her arms.

Severus swore his heart literally left his chest at the action. He kept still for a moment, his eyes on hers, trying to read her. He didn't want to use legilimency; he wanted to believe her. That she wanted this; and wanted him.

He reached over, slipping his hands beneath her t-shirt at the waist. He let his thumb hook over the outside of the fabric and, all the while keeping his eyes locked with hers, he let his palms slowly graze their way up over her skin, dragging the fabric up with them.

His eyes didn't leave hers until the t-shirt fell to the floor. He reached over, brushing the hair back from her shoulder as he looked down between them. She could barely be seen, pressed so close against him. He wondered if she preferred it that way because when he looked up at her she was blushing under his scrutiny. She raised nervous eyes to his and, with a small smile, claimed his lips again, as she pushed him backwards towards the floor.


	19. Push, Pull V

Chapter Fifteen

Severus Snape was a weak man.

He was a fool.

A complete and absolute idiot.

But only when he was put in the same room as Lily Evans.

It was bad enough that he couldn't trust her; the fact that he couldn't even trust himself when he was around her was appalling.

Severus lay on his back, glaring up at the ceiling above him, as the object of his desire lay sleeping peacefully at his side, completely oblivious to the thoughts of her companion. Yes, he was an idiot. Of course he would succumb to temptation; of course he would be helpless if she were to seduce him. It was something he'd always wanted; something he'd fantasised about as he'd been with other, meaningless women. But he never expected her to actually do it.

He rubbed a hand over his face and prayed that his occlumency skills were enough to keep this from the Dark Lord's prying. He glanced over at her; he wasn't sure if their recent activities meant that she did, indeed, care about him. He wondered if this had been her intention when she had set out for him home yesterday; or perhaps earlier. What could she mean by it?

He had touched her mind with his as they had laid, a tangle of limbs, in his bed; she had wanted it. She didn't even resist when she felt him push against the barrier to her thoughts. He looked back at the ceiling; if she did care about him, if she actually wanted this insane limbo to continue she really had lost her mind. There was no way in this world they could ever be together. Indeed, Lucius would probably kill him if he found out about it.

Despite the turmoil of his mind; his body was exceedingly pleased. It had been a long time since he'd allowed himself the pleasure of…women's company. And the evening had been much more than his fantasies could have ever imagined.

Severus rolled his eyes and, suddenly aware that he was completely naked, felt an irrational embarrassment. He glanced over at the clock; 5.12am. He looked back at Lily; willing his mind to photograph this moment, because he had no intention of ever seeing her in this state again. He turned and carefully rolled out of the bed, not wanting to wake her. The Dark Lord had asked him for a new batch of veritaserum; no better time that the present.

* * *

Severus looked up from his cauldron as Lily stepped into the basement; wearing only an old Slytherin robe of his. For a moment he was tempted to go to her; to lift her and take her back to bed. He quickly pushed the thought to the back of his mind, swallowed and turned his eyes back to the cauldron.

"I trust you slept well."

Lily reached the bottom of the stairs and offered him a small smile, "Yes, I suppose you could say that."

He glanced at her out the corner of his eye as she reached his side. She peered into the cauldron, curiously, "What are you brewing?"

"Veritaserum," he stepped away from her and over to the shelf of various ingredients; he pretended to look at them, for he really had nothing to collect from it.

"I haven't brewed a potion since Hogwarts," she was saying, as she continued to inspect the cauldron and the ingredients on the table next to it, "Where are the preparation notes?"

"There aren't any," he came back, empty handed and made to stir it.

"You know how to make this without instructions?"

"Obviously."

A heavy silence settled over them. He risked a glance at her; she was frowning slightly as she looked at him. He quickly turned his attention back to the potion, before making his way over to the desk in the corner.

She took a couple of steps towards him as she pulled the robe more tightly around herself, "Is there something wrong?"

"No."

"No?"

"No."

He walked by her again, careful not to brush against her as he did so. The last thing he wanted was for the robe to slip; he doubted there was anything else beneath it to conceal her from him.

"Severus," she placed her hand on his arm. He tensed immediately at the contact and reached from another unneeded ingredient, as way of shaking off her hand.

"Severus, stop," she grabbed his hand, stopping his movements.

He raised an eyebrow, turning an unimpressed expression on her. The contented attitude she had had when she entered the basement has dissipated; now she was looking at him with undisguised concern and puzzlement.

"What's wrong?"

"I told you nothing's wrong," he snatched his hand back and moved away from her; wanting to keep as much distance between the two of them as possible.

"Oh please," her voice was hard now, "Is this about last night?"

He said nothing; what was he supposed to say to that?

"Are you ashamed that we did it?" she went on.

"Why would I be ashamed?" he looked at her, his own bewilderment evident at the question.

"Well, I don't know," she said, frowningly.

He rolled his eyes and went back to the cauldron, this time on the other side so it was between them.

"Maybe because of…our politics," she offered, hesitantly.

His hand froze for a millisecond, but he quickly recovered. It was the first time she had been the one to bring up the most obvious obstacle between them now that Potter was out of the way.

"No," he said, "Death Eaters have been seduced by muggle-borns before. I have no reason to be ashamed."

"Seduced?"

He raised his eyes to hers at her offended tone. He raised an eyebrow with a slight smirk, "Are you suggesting that it was me who initiated last night's events?"

"Well…no, but I'd hardly say I _seduced _you," she said, witheringly, "As I recall you offered no resistance at all."

"I suppose my general attitude for the past three years isn't being taken into consideration when you make that statement."

"You…we…" she stuttered, furiously.

He glanced at her, his expression amused, which only made her angrier. After a second she looked down, as her angry expression crumbled and, for one frightening moment, he thought she was going to cry. But she looked back up, her expression composed.

"I thought…after last night that, maybe," she paused, "I don't know. That maybe you and I had reached an understanding of some sorts."

"And what kind of understanding would you imagine that to be, Lily?"

She held his looked for a moment and then shook her head; her voice was almost a whisper and it wavered as she spoke, "God, Severus, you're such a bastard." With that she turned and strode from the room.

Severus watched her until the door slammed shut at the top of the steps, that familiar, nauseating feeling in his stomach returning. He lowered his eyes to the potion before him; when he returned to the preparation, he handled the glasses of ingredients with more force than necessary and accidentally smashed two of them. All the while refusing to think of the girl upstairs.

* * *

Lily slammed the front door to the house as she left; she didn't know whether she was more upset or furious. She hurried down the steps and up the street, intending to put as much distance between herself and Severus Snape as possible. God, she couldn't believe how idiotic she had been acting the past few weeks. Once again she'd expected sex to be an answer to her problems. Of course Severus' attitude would remain the same.

With a sigh she sat down on one of the garden walls at the end of her street; the last thing she wanted was to have to confront her mother and tell her where she'd been. She leaned forward, looking at her clasped hands, as she felt the prickle of tears at the corners of her eyes. She felt completely and utterly humiliated.

"Lily?"

She looked up in surprise; Remus Lupin stood before her, looking concerned.

She quickly wiped away her tears and straightened, "Remus! Hi, hey! What…what are you doing here?"

"I was looking for you," he said, sitting down beside her, "Are you all right?"

"Oh, yes, I'm fine," she waved her hand, dismissively, "Allergies."

Remus looked unconvinced but said nothing, "I just wanted to see how you were doing. You know, I haven't really seen you since the break up and everything."

The last person Lily wanted to think about at that moment was James.

"Really, Remus, I'm fine," she smiled at his concern. She was reluctant to share anything with him; although the two of them were relatively good friends he was still, first and foremost, one of James' best friends and she wouldn't burden him with the knowledge of her current "romantic" troubles.

Remus held out an opened packet of cigarettes towards her. It had been a while since she'd smoked; the last time had been when she was sixteen and she and Severus had snuck out into the Forbidden Forest. Two weeks before their fifth year O.W.L.s. She sighed and took one, Remus doing the same. She held it at her side as she lit it with her wand, cautiously glancing around in case any muggles were about. She used her own to light Remus' one.

"Look, Lily," Remus began after a moment, "I understand why you'd be angry with James for what he did to Snape; especially since he was doing it behind your back and everything. But, really, is it worth this? I mean, he really loves you. And it's not like you and Snape even talk anymore; you two weren't even friends when it happened."

Lily was glaring at him, "Did James send you here?"

Remus quickly shook his head, "No…I just…" he looked away, guiltily, "I just shouldn't have told you, that's all."

Lily's eyes softened and she sighed, shaking her head, "Remus, mine and James' break up was a long time coming. We were already having difficulties before you told me; you know that."

"Yeah, but still," Remus went on, "If you two love each other, any difficulties you two were having could be worked out."

Lily kept her eyes on the cigarette burning in her hands as she contemplated his statement; on her lack of emotions regarding the break up; on her behaviour the previous evening. The interactions that had just gone on with Severus had affected her more than the break up of her eighteen-month relationship. After a moment she answered him, quietly, "That's just it, Remus. I don't think that I do."

He was silent. When Lily turned to look at him his expression was one of shock and confusion. She looked away, immediately feeling guilty, and took a long draw from her cigarette.

"Oh," Remus finally said, "I didn't realise."

She shook her head, as she breathed out, "I shouldn't have said that."

"Why; is it not true?"

"No," she said, quietly, "It is. But it's not something you need to hear."

Remus didn't respond to that; after a moment asking, "What happened? The two of you seemed pretty happy a few months ago."

She shrugged, "I don't know. I just…he wasn't the guy I thought he was."

"Lily…"

She dropped the cigarette onto the ground and stood, purposely standing on it as she did so, "My mum's gonna be wondering where I am, Remus."

Remus stood as well and nodded, "Okay."

She forced a smile, motioned to the ground briefly, "Thanks for the fag. I'll see you at an Order meeting or something."

"Yeah," he nodded, distantly, "I'll see you then."

"Bye," she said, quickly, turning and heading down the street.

* * *

Lily sighed as she lay on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. It had been two days since she'd stormed out of Severus' house and yet she still couldn't keep her mind off the incident. Severus had made it very clear that nothing at all would allow them to renew the friendship they had once had. And yet she couldn't help the feeling that there was hope. Because the way he had touched her that night were not the touches of a man who despised her.

His comments were biting; his looks were withering; but that night had been different. He touched her as if she were porcelain; looked at her as if she were the most precious treasure in the world; his words were soft, caressing the air. And she knew, at least in those moments, that the boy she knew was still there; that he cared about her. He wasn't lost yet.

She rolled over onto her side, hugging the pillow as she did so. It seemed as if he would always be out of reach; that she had pushed him to a point where he could only be touched by her fingertips. He could never be hers. She felt a tear run down her cheek; all because of that one day when they were sixteen years old. Their friendship erased with a matter of a short exchange of words. Not even a proper exchange. She cursed herself inwardly for not accepting his apology when she had the chance; for giving him the time to hate her. She cursed Hogwarts for tearing them apart.

She thought back to the night they had spent together. He was still there; she knew it. He wouldn't have saved her that night on the battlefield if he wasn't. He wouldn't have gripped her hand until it hurt as his mother's coffin slowly disappeared behind the curtain if he was lost. He wouldn't have kissed her and touched her and looked at her the way he did if he was gone.

No one had ever looked at her that way before; no one had ever touched her the way he had.

She needed him.

He was there. And she would do whatever it took to get him back.

* * *

Severus sighed in irritation as a knock sounded at his door. It seemed the girl would never get the hint. She was the most frustrating, stubborn, irritating human being he'd ever had the misfortune to know! He pulled the door open and, of course, found himself standing face to face with Lily Evans.

"Hello," she offered him a smile.

"Hello, yourself."

"Can I come in?"

"What for?"

"I have a proposition for you."

_Interesting._He raised an eyebrow at her and then stepped back, allowing her access to the house. However, rather than retreating to the living room as he often did, this time he remained in the hallway and the two stood at the door as she pushed it closed.

Lily drew in a deep breath and looked up at him; "Look, I get why you panicked the other day."

"I did not panic," he spat.

"Yes, Severus Snape, you panicked," she smirked, "But don't worry; I'm not expecting a marriage proposal or anything."

Well, this was unexpected. He kept his look even as she grinned up at him.

"I was thinking," she went on, "That, obviously, it is neither plausible nor possible for us to enter into a romantic attachment. But, you'll probably be relieved to hear, that's not what I want."

"Back to what Lily wants, I see," he sneered.

Lily rolled her eyes, "However, the other night was fun. Good, even. I enjoyed myself; and I know you did as well."

Severus didn't think he'd ever heard Lily speak this way in her life. He crossed his arms over his chest, looking at her intently. He wondered if she had been drinking.

"So, why should we have to stop?" she finished.

Severus looked at her in bewilderment, not really understanding if his interpretation of her meaning was the right one, "I'm sorry. What is the proposition you are making?"

She blushed a little but lifted her chin, determinedly, "I'm saying; why does that night have to be the last?"

There were so many answers to that question that Severus didn't know where to begin; even if he did, he was sure he wouldn't have been able to speak due to the shock that he was experiencing at that moment.

"Are you saying that you wish to engage in a sexual relationship; without any regard for the ramifications or…"

"That's exactly what I'm saying," she interrupted.

So he was right; she had lost her mind.

"Lily, do I need to point out the obvious? Each of us are on separate sides of a very serious war at the moment; should either side discover such a relationship…"

"Look," she interrupted, sounding frustrated and, by now, blushing furiously, "Like I said, I'm not expecting a marriage proposal. I'm not even expecting you to fall in love with me. What I'm suggesting is…spending time together; no strings attached."

Severus stared at her for a moment before a slow smirk spread across his face; he uncrossed his arms and leaned on his shoulder against the wall, "No strings attached?" His voice was laced with irony, making it clear that he in no way believed that Lily Evans, of all people, would be willing to engage in such a suggestion.

"That's right."

He pushed himself of the wall, the smirk still on his face, "So you're saying that, by day we'll be on opposite sides of the battlefield; by night we'll be engaging in sexual activities in the bedroom."

He didn't think he had even spoken like this in his life either; he didn't think he'd ever even have the opportunity to speak this way! This entire conversation with ludicrous! Someone, or something, had possessed them. They were acting like idiots; like irrational teenagers!

"That's what I'm saying."

Severus snorted, "And you, Lily Evans, are all right with that?"

"I'm more than all right with that," she said, a sweet smile on her lips.

Severus kept his eyes on her, studying her with undisguised doubtfulness, as he contemplated the suggestion. Here was Lily Evans, the object of his desire, offering herself up to him. No expectations. No choice needed to be made between her and the people who treated him with the respect he had worked so hard for. Well, if she was all right with that…

Of course, there must be a catch. This was Lily before him and all this seemed awfully…crude for someone like her. She, the hopeless romantic. He suddenly wondered at her role in the Order; had they sent her here? Was she here to pry; to find out information.

"Two conditions," he finally said.

She raised her eyebrows, "Oh?"

"One; no one knows about this," he said, "No girly gossiping in the bathrooms. What goes on, this thing, it stays between us."

"Well obviously," she rolled her eyes, "It's hardly something I'm going to broadcast."

"Two; no questions."

She frowned a little, "What do you mean no questions?"

"I mean exactly that," he said, "No questions about what I do; no questions about the Dark Lord; nothing about the war."

She nodded her head slowly, "Okay."

He looked at her, not entirely believing this conversation was taking place.

"So," Lily said, "Now that the 'conditions' are out of the way. What do you think?"

Severus held her look for a moment; could he really have it all? A smile twitched on her lips as she looked at him, expectantly. She knew his answer before he did, he was sure. He stepped forward and claimed her lips with his. Whatever the lady wants.


	20. Interlude III

Interlude III

_June 1971_

Severus watched Lily from the branch he was swinging from, as she continued to carve messily into the trunk. He swung himself up, so he was lying along the branch, looking down at her.

"You know, people don't like it when you do that," he called down to her, "Apparently trees are endangered."

"What?" Lily snickered, continuing to carve, "There's millions of trees. Besides, this one is ours."

"I doubt the law would see it that way."

"Oh, shush," she waved a hand at him, "You'll like it."

"What are you carving?" he peered down.

She quickly covered it with her hands, "Hey! No peeking! You said you wouldn't look."

"I can't see it from this angle, anyway," he rolled his eyes, wrapping his arms and legs around the tree branch and allowing himself to slip and swing so that he was hanging upside down, his back towards the ground.

"Sev!" Lily screeched, "Be careful! You might fall!"

"I won't fall," Severus said, dismissively, pulling himself back up onto the branch in a sitting position, "Besides, it's only eight feet off the ground."

"You could still break your back," Lily insisted, though her attention was back on the tree trunk, "My mum had a friend when she was a kid; she fell from a tree and couldn't walk again afterwards."

"Pleasant story," Severus uttered, unconsciously gripping tighter to the branch.

"It's almost done," Lily looked up at him with a bright smile. He smiled a little in return and leaned back against another of the branches.

"Are you excited about going to Hogwarts?" Lily glanced up at him, briefly.

Severus looked down at her; his letter had arrived two days prior. As of yet, she'd heard nothing. He'd assured her that the letter would come soon; but deep down he was nervous. He didn't want to go to Hogwarts without her; over the past few years it was something they'd talked about constantly. The idea of him having to leave her behind was horrible.

"I suppose so," he answered, "We'll have fun there."

Lily looked up at him, looking concerned, "What if I don't get a letter?"

"You will," Severus said, insistently, "It's just that they have to send someone out, that's all. Because you're parents are muggles."

"I thought it made no difference being muggle-born?"

"That's the only difference," he said, firmly, "I already told you that someone would have to come and explain to them."

She sighed and made one last chip into the trunk, "There. Done."

"Does that mean I can look?"

"Of course," she smirked up at him. He dropped his legs over the side of the branch, pushed himself from it and landed on his feet on the ground. He looked at her creation; there, in the middle of the trunk, was a large, wonky heart-shape with the inscription:

_Sev Lily_

_Best Friends Forever_

He scrunched up his nose, "What did you write that for?"

Lily looked at him with a frown, "Because it's true."

"That doesn't mean you have to write it all over stuff," Severus said.

"Why? Are you embarrassed or something?"

"I'm not embarrassed," he said, looking at it, "I just don't see the point in it. We both already know we're best friends."

"This is so everyone will know."

"Why does it matter if everyone else knows?" he asked, bewilderedly, "What do they matter?"

"Oh, forget it," she rolled her eyes, "It's nice, that's all. Especially if this is our last summer before we go away. It's like…I dunno, marking our territory."

"Like cats," he smirked.

Lily rolled her eyes, "All the girls at school do it."

"Do what?"

"Write stuff like this," she motioned at the trunk, "About their boyfriends and stuff."

Severus felt a blush creeping up his cheeks, "I'm not your boyfriend."

Lily looked at him sharply, "I didn't say you were," she pointed at it, "That's why it says 'best friends forever'."

"I see," he said, eyeing it again.

"We will be, won't we?" Lily looked at him.

Severus looked at her bemusedly, "Of course we will."

"Even if I don't get into Hogwarts?" she asked, nervously.

"Yes," he said, with certainty, "Here and at Hogwarts; you will get in. I know it; you've got too much magic for them not to."

Lily gave him a small, blushing smile and then turned to look at the inscription in the tree, "It's not that bad, is it?"

"What?"

"The message," she nodded at the tree.

Severus was quiet for a moment as he looked at it. Everyone knew they were best friends anyway; he really didn't see the point in the thing. And yet, he still felt a certain warmth as he looked at the message; purely because of what it meant. Best friends forever. He smiled and shook his head;

"Nah," he said, "It looks fine."

She smiled brightly and, grasping his hand, pulled his arm over her head and around her neck, as they looked at the tree. A small smile played around his lips; while Lily giggled slightly.

Lily's parents had received a visit from Albus Dumbledore the following morning and Lily had rushed from the house immediately following his departure, letter clutched tight in her hand, as she made her way to Severus'. The two had smiled and laughed and talked for hours about the wonders of Hogwarts. The time couldn't come soon enough.


	21. Playing With Fire I

Chapter Sixteen

Lily had always been terrible at occlumency.

Severus wasn't sure whether or not he should be pleased about that. It would definitely make the 'no-strings-attached' farce far easier to partake in if he was unable to read her mind at every encounter. He made a specific point of not using legilimency when he was around her now; the few times he had used it he had felt beyond uncomfortable. In fact, he'd almost been unable to 'perform' at all; he was so distracted by her thoughts. Despite that, the decision to ignore them was much easier said than done; she tended to keep them right at the surface of her mind, particularly during their activities, and eye contact was unavoidable under those circumstances.

He glanced over at her, as she lay sleeping peacefully at his side. It had been two weeks since the arrangement had been made between them and, despite being aware of what she was up to, he was very well pleased with the situation. Twice he had had to creep out of bed in the middle of the night to answer the Dark Lord's call and not once had she asked him where he'd been. In fact, the war and their duties in it hadn't come up at all. And, to add to his satisfaction, he had not been required to go out into the field in that time either, in favour of his potion making skills. Yes; Severus Snape was in heaven.

Lily sniffed suddenly and rolled over, wrapping an arm over his stomach as she settled in against him. He forced himself to ignore the contentment he felt as she cuddled into him. Her visits had been often in the past two weeks; she'd actually taken to explaining to him reasons why she was couldn't see him, rather than thinking up excuses for why she should. He didn't mind; that was what bothered him. He was playing with fire, he knew that well enough. But he could resist it. Even if she thought he couldn't.

* * *

Severus looked up as Lily walked into the living room, once again wrapped only in the old Slytherin robe she had had found the fortnight before. She gave him a sleepy smile and walked over to sit next to him on the couch.

"Good morning," she yawned.

"Morning," he said, turning his attention back to the book in his lap.

It was only 6.30; and she wasn't quite accustomed to rising at such an early hour. However, she was determined not to appear lazy; every time that she had been there for the past two weeks Severus would rise at 6, no matter how late they had stayed up. Consequently, she would stumble down the stairs, still half-asleep, not too long after him.

She glanced at the coffee table, noticing several brochures pilled carefully in one of the corners. She frowned and reached over, lifting two of them. Potion Internships; New Zealand; Boston; New York. She looked at Severus, suddenly feeling more awake.

"Are you leaving?"

"I beg your pardon?"

She waved the brochures at him, though she knew that he had seen her lift them.

"No," he said, with a brief glance at them, "They're old."

She looked through the first one; sure enough, the deadline for one application was February 1978.

"Did you go on one of these?" she asked, curiously.

"Yes."

She rolled her eyes at his lack of elaboration, "How was it? Where did you go? Were you there for long?"

"It was an agreeable experience; I was located in New York; I was there for three months."

She tossed aside the other two brochures, keeping a hold of the one situated in New York; "This one?"

He glanced over and gave a brief nod, before returning to the book he was reading.

Lily looked through it with a keen interest; she hadn't even considered what he'd done following their graduation from Hogwarts. She had just assumed…

The placement had been in New York from July until September 1978, within the Benihill Institute of Claymore Industries. She was impressed; she had heard several of her fellow potions students in their seventh year speak of the very prestigious internship and their intentions to apply for it. As far as she remembered, she hadn't once heard of him intending to apply for it himself. The application deadline had been January; they had still been on speaking-terms then. She felt a bitter sadness, as their transition from best friends to indifferent acquaintances once again came to her mind; this had been the sort of thing they would have spoken for hours about in their earlier years.

"Tell me about it," she looked at him.

Severus looked over at her, "All the information is in the brochure."

"Yes; but there must have been more to it than just this. What did you do? Why did you go?" she closed the brochure, drawing her legs up and turning to face him. She noticed him glance very briefly at her shoulder when the robe slipped down to her elbow, before looking uncomfortably back down at his book. She bit her lip to refrain from smirking.

"Well," he began, as she covered herself, "As you know, I had always been unsure as to what I would do following graduation. All I knew was that I wanted to be as far away from this place as possible."

"Spinners End?"

"Spinners End; Hogwarts; Britain in general," he said, dismissively, "Rather than just leave without any significant prospects, I applied for several internships. The Claymore Internship was far more practical than the theoretical internships of Lyanderson and Poskviksa; therefore, I went to New York."

"And it was 'agreeable'?" she raised an eyebrow, with a small smirk.

"Yes," he consented, "I learned many things I was unaware of; and contributed towards several projects dealing with curative remedies for a number of wizarding illnesses; mental illness, in particular."

Lily stared at him for a moment; she had done nothing so productive following her graduation. Despite her desire to begin Auror training immediately following leaving Hogwarts, she had put off applying for training until giving up the plan entirely after receiving the request to join the Order of the Phoenix. Since then her time had been devoted to that. And James…

"Wow," she looked away, "That's really…wow. I'm so jealous."

"Why should you be jealous?" he countered, "You were just as proficient in potions. The options were there for you also."

"Yes, but…" she stopped and shrugged.

"Didn't you always say you wanted to travel?" he went on, "See the world?"

Lily was silent for a moment, "Well, yes…I don't know. I guess I just…"

"You settled," he finished for her.

She looked up at him with a frown, "I didn't settle…I do intend to travel in the future…"

"You let your feelings for your boyfriend prevent you from carrying out your dreams," he said, his voice slightly accusing.

She sighed and looked down, "I suppose." That had been part of the reason; she and Severus had talked about travelling the world together when they first entered Hogwarts. Advance their knowledge of potions and herbology, all the while partaking in the typical muggle activities they'd seen in films. The beaches; the theme parks; the monuments. That dream had died with their friendship; the idea of going alone was too painful.

To add to that, she fell in love with James the March before graduation; and the feelings had been intense. At that time, the idea of leaving him to go see the world was unbearable. He _was_her world when she was eighteen. She was careful to keep her eyes averted from Severus'; that was one thought he must definitely _not _see.

"The options are still there for you, Lily," he said.

She looked at him, "I can't leave now."

"Why not?"

"Because…because of everything that's going on. I'm part of it. I need to be here."

He held her look before he nodded, slowly, "Yes. The disadvantages of being the war generation, I suppose."

Lily was quiet for a moment, "So; you decided to come back after the three months? I thought there was the opportunity to gain employment following the internship?"

"There was," he said, his expression turning slightly sour, "They offered me a position within their Psychiatric Remedies department."

Lily frowned, confusedly, "Then, why did you come back?"

"My father died; my mother pleaded with me," came the blunt response.

"Oh," she whispered, looking down.

Severus studied her for a moment before making to go back to his book.

"Why did you join him, Severus?" she whispered. He froze in opening in book. "You had so much talent; so many options open to you," she looked up, "Why him?"

He kept his eyes on the book for a moment before he turned to look at her, "No questions, Lily."

She held his look for a moment before looking away.

"Is it not possible to both…um…serve and begin a career?" she said, tentatively, not sure if she was violating one of their 'conditions'; she hated being reminded of the fact that this was an 'arrangement', that really he didn't want her there.

"Yes, of course," he responded, "I have been unable to find something suitable as of yet."

She moved in closer to him, reaching out to take his hand. It twitched within hers but he let it remain as it was.

"You know, you really are a great wizard, Severus."

"Flattery doesn't suit you, Lily," he said, his eyes on his book once again.

She shrugged, "It's not flattery; it's the truth. I was always so jealous of you at Hogwarts."

He looked at her, bemusedly, "Always?"

She laughed a little, "Yes. Especially in transfiguration; I was always so hopeless at the practical stuff in first year and you, you excelled at everything. Well, except History of Magic, of course," she added, with a smirk, "You slept through those classes."

"Ah, but I had you prattling on every evening about what was said, anyway, so there was really no need for me to pay attention."

She laughed, "It's an interesting subject!" she insisted.

Severus snorted a little; the first incident of genuine amusement since she had came to him following his mother's death. She smiled at him, affectionately, as she thought on how much she missed him; missed this. He held her look for a moment, his expression changing slightly; she wondered if he was reading her again. To her surprise, he reached out and brushed the hair back from her forehead, tucking a strand behind her hair as he did so; his own expression matching the warmth that she felt.

A moment later, he seemed to come to his sense and drew back, turning his attention back to the book in front of him. Lily bit her lip again, resisting the urge to smile.

* * *

"Where've you been the past two weeks?" Regulus asked over the music.

"At home, obviously," came Severus' response.

Regulus rolled his eyes, "If it was obvious, I wouldn't be asking. You've been ignoring my messages again."

"I wasn't ignoring your messages, I was ignoring your invitations," Severus said, taking a drink from his glass, "I avoid socialising, as you well know."

"Usually when mates can't make it, they let their friends know," Regulus retorted.

Severus turned amused eyes on the boy; ever since the 'incident' in the woods, both had been more actively friendly with one another. Regulus had seemed delighted with the development; however he still insisted that no one must learn of his moment of weakness. The incident was a source of great teasing on Severus' side.

"How come you're so happy?" Regulus asked, curiously, "Ever since we got here you've been grinning like an idiot."

"What?" Severus snapped; even if that comment were true, he certainly wasn't grinning at that moment.

Regulus snorted at his indignant response, "Don't sound so offended. It's about time you lightened up."

"I have not been grinning," Severus said, lowly, "I don't grin."

"Well, maybe you're just drunk," Regulus rolled his eyes, before eying the large number of empty glasses on the table.

"I don't get drunk, either," Severus said, in protest. He supposed that was a lie; he supposed the room was spinning a little more than usual; and he supposed that it was getting difficult to keep his fantasies of Lily Evans at the back of his mind.

In fact, he was pretty sure he was hallucinating, because at that moment she was currently standing at the bar looking directly at him. He squinted a little, closed his eyes and shook his head; when he looked back she was still there, a small, seductive smile on her lips. He almost dropped the glass he was holding, quickly glancing at Regulus who, thankfully, was occupied with two women who had appeared at his side. He looked back at Lily who grinned and nodded towards the exit, before heading in that direction herself.

Severus watched after her for a moment, before downing the rest of his drink. He looked at Regulus, who was enjoying the company of the brunette, her friend having left them, "Listen, Regulus. I think my company is proving more of a hindrance at this moment; I shall see you again at 'work'."

Regulus made to protest but Severus was already halfway across the room.

He stepped out into the cold night and looked around, before heading towards the alley at the side of the pub. He made his way up, briskly, until he finally caught sight of her at the end of it. He smiled as he reached her and leaned down, kissing her eagerly,

She giggled, "Severus, are you drunk?"

"No," he denied, his lips going to her neck. He wanted her; he needed her. He'd never needed anything more in his life. He didn't care if she knew.

"Do you want to go back to your place?" she asked, between kisses.

He didn't answer, only turned them and dissapparated them on the spot.

* * *

Regulus hurried after Severus, eager to escape the attentions of the woman who had cornered him. Some one-night stand he had had recently, he assumed, from the familiar way in which she was speaking. He really had no idea who the woman was. He caught sight of Severus disappearing up the alley and frowned in confusion, hurrying after him.

As he turned the corner, he froze; the picture before him stunning him immobile. Neither of the two spotted him before they dissapparated.

And suddenly, Severus' behaviour over the past couple of weeks became very clear.

Regulus turned and slowly made his way back to the pub.


	22. Playing With Fire II

Chapter Seventeen

Lily awoke just after seven and was surprised to see that Severus was also sound asleep, sprawled out over the covers, next to her. She frowned and yanked some of the covers out from underneath him, attempting to pull some over her freezing body, which caused him to snort and roll over. Despite the action, he remained dead to the world. She sighed and shifted closer to him, lying on her stomach and looking up at him.

His behaviour the previous evening had been a surprise to her; though not unpleasant. Although he had said very little, the ways in which he had treated her as they stumbled into the living room had been remarkably different. His kisses had been urgent, his hands frantic; but the look in his eyes remained the same. He looked at her that same way he always did when they were together; it made her feel alive. It made her feel as if she was more than just a pretty ray of sunshine; the way James had made her feel. And she couldn't help wondering that things may have changed; that he was starting to care.

She smiled softly as she watched him, his face completely relaxed; devoid of the hardness of expression that was almost always present in his waking hours. He looked like the boy she had once known; the innocent child who had swung from treetops and swam in the lake with her.

She pulled herself up closer and leaned down, kissing him softly on the lips. She drew back as he stirred; his eyes flicking open. He frowned a little. She smiled back at him and leaned down, kissing him again. After a few moments she felt his hands slip around her waist and pull her down to him.

* * *

Severus' head was pounding as he shifted himself off of her and moved back to his own side of the bed. He was only vaguely aware of what went on the previous night; but he knew that it was very likely he had behaved foolishly regarding his 'arrangement' with Lily. Partially because of the fleeting images of the previous evening in his own mind; partially due to the way she was looking at him today. There was definitely undisguised emotion in them this time; even if her thoughts hadn't been pouring out at him during the encounter a couple of moments ago, had he not been a very good legilimens, her feelings would still have been perfectly clear. He swallowed, uneasily, as he wondered what he had done, what he had said the previous evening.

She lay on her side and propped her head up on her hand, resting her elbow on the bed between him, "What are you thinking about?"

Severus resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He looked at her; he was reluctant to scowl, considering their recent activities, but there was no way he was going to answer the insane question.

She seemed to realise that and gave him a mischievous smile. He resisted the urge to reach for her, instead lifting his arms and putting his hands behind his head; reducing temptation.

"Who were you out with last night?" he asked. He hoped to Merlin it wasn't Potter and his cronies; the thought of her associating with that band of buffoons caused the bile to bubble in his stomach.

"Mary MacDonald and Lesley Adams," she said, looking at him, curiously, "And a couple of other girls from school."

"I see," he said, "And won't they wonder at your disappearance?"

He noticed her look slightly guilty for a moment before giving him a sheepish smile, "Well, I didn't expect to be gone all night."

He resisted the urge to smile back at her; instead he averted his eyes.

"Who were you with?"

"Regulus."

"Sirius' brother?"

"Yes," he glanced at her out the corner of his eye.

"Oh," she looked down, "Is he…uh…is he a…"

"That is not of your concern," he interrupted, though not as sharply as usual. He reached forward, rubbing his hand over his face as the pounding in his head continued.

She was silent for a while, thank Merlin. He wanted nothing more than to curl up and go back to sleep; to pretend that she wasn't there. Because at that moment he was beginning to realise just how dangerous being around her was; his hands twitching, wanting to read for her; his stomach somersaulting when she kept looking at him with _that_look. And to add to that, he was sure the headache he'd inflicted upon himself would remain permanent.

He closed his eyes; he was four years old; his parents were still happy; his brother still loved him. He had never met Lily Evans.

"Severus?"

No; unfortunately, he had.

"What?"

She pulled herself up into a sitting position, "What are you doing for Christmas?"

Severus frowned a little, his eyes still closed. Christmas? He hadn't even thought about it; was it really that close? He opened his eyes to look at her; she was looking at him with a mixture of curiosity and hope.

"I usually spend Christmas with the Malfoys," he said, after a moment.

He noticed Lily's expression change to a slight grimace, before she quickly attempted to conceal it, "Oh; I see." She looked down at the sheets between them, rubbing them between her index finger and thumb; "And, is that what you plan to do this year?"

"As of yet, I have not received an invitation."

He noticed Lily's expression brighten as she raised her eyes to his. She gave him an impish smile;

"Well, in that case, perhaps you would consider a change of scene this year?" she suggested.

"What did you have in mind?"

Lily smiled, though she looked a little nervous at that moment, "My, uh, my mum said you're more than welcome to spend Christmas with us."

Severus studied her quietly for a moment; "Don't you think that exceeds the boundaries of our arrangement?"

She averted her eyes and he noticed a slightly pained look cross her features for a moment, before she turned back to him, looking completely composed, "I thought, perhaps, it was time to extend our 'boundaries'."

Severus wasn't sure if he should smile or if he should run. He settled for focusing on the snow falling outside the window. He noticed Lily look down, dejectedly, and furiously fought the surge of shame he felt; he had no reason to feel guilty. This was not part of the arrangement; he owed her nothing. No matter what her intentions were; he would not succumb to them.

"It'll be just like old times," she attempted to convince him, "Remember; we used to love Christmas. Good food; my mum's still amazing in the kitchen. I mean, Petunia will be there, so even the bad parts remain the same. Well, with the exception of her horrible husband who she'll have to bring. It'd really be great if you came…"

"Fine, I'll come," he said, rubbing his temples.

"Really?" she uttered, her astonishment evident.

"Yes, really," he rolled his eyes. Because he couldn't resist it; he was losing control. And, although he would never admit it to a soul, the idea of spending Christmas day with Lily was wonderful. The idea that they could pretend they were thirteen again warmed him. That for one day they could pretend they were normal; that they actually mattered to one another.

He closed his eyes again, furiously; he wondered if he would ever be strong enough to resist her.

* * *

As a knock sounded at the door, Severus wearily made his way to answer it. He really was in no mood to see Lily; the arrangement had been a mistake. A huge mistake; he had played with fire and now he was burning in it; and he was alarmed, because he had no desire to be free of it.

He pulled the door open and was relieved to see Regulus on the other side of the threshold. He raised an eyebrow, "Regulus. I wasn't expecting you're company."

Regulus looked at him strangely and said nothing in response.

Severus frowned a little and stepped back, "Come in." He turned and headed up the hallway, into the living room, Regulus close behind him. The boy walked into the middle of the room, wringing his hand a little, before shoving them into the pockets of his robes.

Severus watched him, curiously, "Drink?"

"Whatever," Regulus said, not looking at him.

Severus poured them drinks, becoming more bewildered by the second, and walked over, handing one of them to Regulus. He had the awkward feeling that something was about to happen; something rather unpleasant. Perhaps Regulus had done something disloyal to the Dark Lord? In trouble, and needed his help with something.

He sat down on the couch, glancing up at him curiously.

Regulus avoided eye contact, sitting down on the chair. He held the glass in his hand, watching the liquid as he swirled it round.

Severus frowned, lifting his drink to his lips.

"You screw Lily Evans today?"

Severus drew in a sharp breath before choking and spluttering on the liquid. He looked over at Regulus, as he attempted to compose himself, while coughing violently. The boy stared back at him, his expression hard.

Severus drew in a deep breath, throwing the boy a scowl, "I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh, come off it," Regulus hissed, and Severus was surprised by the anger in the boy's eyes, "I saw you, Severus! I saw you outside The Broom and Dragon; practically fucking against the wall!"

Severus, changing his tactics, sent him a withering look, "It's not like you've never been with a muggle-born. I can screw whoever I please."

"Except you're not just screwing her, are you?" Regulus hissed, still furious.

Severus rolled his eyes, though an uneasy feeling settled over him, and stood, "What are you talking about now?"

"You're in love with her," the anger hadn't been present; it was barely even an accusation. Just a matter-of-fact statement and Severus was sure his heart sped up at it.

"What nonsense," Severus hissed.

Regulus shook his head, standing as well, and Severus saw the look in his eyes move from anger to concern, "Don't give me that, Severus. Almost four months ago you risked execution by preventing Lucius from attacking her. For the past two weeks you haven't been around, haven't made any contact. Then when I do see you you're like the cat who's just got the cream. Then I see you with her! I'm not an idiot; don't treat me like one."

"I am _not _in love with Lily Evans," Severus spoke lowly, threateningly, "Do not make such ridiculous accusations again."

Regulus just shook his head, looking unconvinced, "Just don't let it interfere with what we've got to do."

"Are you threatening me, Regulus?" Severus spoke, angrily, "I thought we were supposed to be friends."

"We are," Regulus said, "And as a friend, I'm concerned. I'm beyond concerned; I'm fucking terrified for you. This could get you killed; she's a member of the Order, for Merlin's sake! The organisation that the Dark Lord has been trying to get a hold of for months. And all along you've been banging her right under his nose."

Severus was too angry to be impressed by the boy's apparent maturity. He was tempted to throw him out with his bare hands.

"Get out," he said, lowly.

Regulus held his look for a moment, "You're crazy if you think you can have it all, Severus." He let the statement lie for a moment, as if waiting for a response. When Severus only sent him a withering glare in response, the boy turned and left the house.

Severus slowly sunk back down onto the couch; reality finally slapping him in the face.


	23. Playing With Fire III

Chapter Eighteen

_Severus,_

_There's a meeting at Malfoy Manor next Saturday at 7pm. Compulsory._

_Regulus._

Severus held the note in his hands, eyeing it, uncertainly. His confrontation with Regulus had been several days before and he had managed to successfully dodge both him and Lily ever since.

The burden of Regulus' accusations weighed heavily on him; as did the expectations that Lily had demonstrated to him with her looks. Was he so easily read? Did he give himself more credit than was accurate when it came to concealing his inner thoughts? He had always prided himself on being a good occlumens; on being able to remain impassive, inexpressive. And yet here he was, two people convinced they are aware of his feelings; feelings he was still unwilling to admit to himself.

Had he admitted it to himself? Admitted _what _to himself? The he cared; that he no longer hated her? Or that he was falling; that he _had _fallen…

He closed his eyes, dropping the note, and leaned forward, rubbing his temples as he leaned his elbows on the desk in front of him. _No. He couldn't. _He pressed his fingers against his eyelids; when Lily had made the proposition he had concluded she had lost her mind. Now; he was sure he'd lost his too.

Her smile; her laugh; that look in her eyes; it all haunted him. When he was with her he could barely keep his eyes off her; when he wasn't he would think of her, see her in his mind, anticipate her next visit.

He was losing it.

He was in love with Lily Evans. And there was no where in Heaven, Hell or Earth that they could ever be together.

But he could try…

* * *

Lily smiled brightly as she stepped over the threshold, "Good evening."

"Lily," he nodded at her, before he turned and headed down the hall to the living room, "I thought you would be away for the week?"

"I got back from Surrey sooner than I had thought," she said, unbuttoning her jacket, "Petunia didn't want the neighbours seeing her 'lunatic' sister for too long." She gave an ironic smirk as she flung the jacket over the back of the chair and walked over to the couch where he had seated himself.

"Did you miss me?" she asked, teasingly.

She noticed his expression darken somewhat for a second, before returning to his usual, impassive expression. She smirked a little and sat down next to him.

She leaned back, pulling her legs up beneath her, "Petunia and her husband are at mine now. They drove down with us."

"I see," he said, "I can hardly wait to be reunited with her."

Lily brightened, "So, you're still coming over for Christmas?"

"I said I would, didn't I?" came his response.

She frowned a little at his defensive tone and said nothing in response. He looked at her and caught her eye. After a moment his expression softened somewhat and he averted his eyes.

"How was your trip?" he muttered.

Lily smiled a little and leaned in closer, giving a shrug, "Nothing special, really. It's pretty boring where they live. I had hoped we could go into London for the day; but my mother isn't keen on apparition. And Petunia…well, you can guess how she was at the suggestion."

His lips twitched a little and he looked back at her. She leaned in closer, kissing him softly. To her surprise his response was slow, leisurely, and then he drew back, making no attempt to further the intimacy. She raised an eyebrow at him but he only me her look evenly. He nodded at the television, "Do you want to watch something?"

She started noticeably in surprise at the suggestion, "Um…yeah. Okay, sure. Do you know what's on?"

"Some muggle rubbish, no doubt," he replied, dismissively, perplexing her further. Nevertheless she stood and made her way over to the television, turning it on. She smirked and glanced over at him, "Ever seen Cabaret?"

She noticed him looking past her at the people prancing on the screen. He raised weary eyes to hers, "No; I see that is something to be grateful for."

"It's actually pretty good," she said, looking back at the screen. She heard Severus snort in response. She switched the channel, where Monty Python's Flying Circus was screening; "Pick your torture, Sev," she grinned at him. She noticed his expression twitch at her use of the old nickname.

"I already have," he said, his eyes on hers. Her grin faded slowly, as he held her look. After a few seconds he nodded at the television, "Whatever."

She flicked it back to Cabaret and made her way over to the couch, her stomach flipping. His behaviour was baffling her. Usually during her visits, following a small conversation, at the first initiation of contact (usually made by her) they would be on their way to the bedroom. She kept her eyes on him as she sat down, while he kept his eyes on the television.

She cautiously leaned into him as she settled into her seat and he reached over and took her hand in his. She swallowed, suddenly feeling very nervous; there had definitely been a shift in his attitude. She squeezed his hand and made a failed attempt to relax as they both looked focused their attention on the television.

Twenty minutes passed in unbearable silence, in which Lily frequently shifted and shuffled about in her seat. She noticed an irritated exhale leave him as she shifted again and quickly froze in an uncomfortable position. She forced herself to remain that way for a few minutes before moving again.

"Lily, will you sit still," Severus said, not looking at her.

"Sorry," she mumbled, shifting again and then blushing. She noticed him glance at her out the corner of his eye.

"This film is ridiculous," he said.

Lily gave a nervous giggle and shrugged, "I guess."

He turned to look at her at that; he kept his eyes on hers for a moment before speaking, "Is something wrong?"

She shook her head, quickly; too quickly. He frowned a little but looked back at the television.

Lily drew in a deep breath and then turned, shifting herself up onto her knees. She leaned forward, kissing him gently on the neck. She bit lightly, then moved around, placing a kiss on his jawbone as she did so, towards his lips. Once again, he kissed her back slowly but when she attempted to increase the pace, he drew back.

"I'm really not in the mood tonight, Lily."

Lily blushed and frowned simultaneously, "Oh." She lowered her eyes and nodded, "Okay…I should go then."

He was silent, causing her to raise her eyes to his. He was regarding her with an usual expression she couldn't interpret, "Do you want to go?"

Lily's brow lowered further, "Do _you _want me to go?"

He rolled his eyes, "Don't answer a question with a question, Lily."

Lily shifted under his look, having no idea what to say, "I…uh…I don't mind…I could stay…or go…it's up to you, really," she stuttered.

She noticed his lip twitched slightly again, as if he were concealing a smirk, "I have no objection to your company."

Lily was becoming incredibly self-conscious, in addition to the confusion she was feeling. She raised her eyes to his; he remained the same as ever – nothing of his thoughts revealed. She bit her lip and nodded, "Okay. I'll stay."

"Very well," he turned his attention back to the television. She turned and got herself comfortable again; Severus' hand once again reached out and took hers.

* * *

Regulus glanced around the room, growing more and more anxious as time went by. It was 9.20pm; Severus still hadn't arrived and the meeting was coming to a close. He couldn't believe it; that he was letting his absurd feelings for that insufferable mudblood threaten his life in this way! Thankfully, the Dark Lord had not been present.

"Regulus," Lucius hissed, as the circle dispersed, "Where is Severus?"

Regulus kept his eyes on Lucius' ear, uncomfortably, "I'm not sure."

"I thought I told you to give him the word about tonight?"

Regulus glanced at him for a second and then, making a snap decision, said, "I'm really sorry, Lucius. I forgot."

"You forgot?" Lucius hissed, "What do you mean you forgot? You idiot! What if the Dark Lord had been here? Have you no sense, boy?"

Regulus lowered his eyes, focusing on transforming all his anger towards Severus into an appearance of guilt.

"Don't let this happen again, Regulus," Lucius said, warningly, before walking on by. Regulus kept his eyes on the floor.

* * *

Lily awoke at five the next morning, after a fitful sleep. Despite the fact that the evening had gradually settled into a more relaxed atmosphere, with the two of them eventually mocking the film they had watched, as they had went to bed that night her confusion had mounted once again; particularly when Severus only gave her a chaste kiss before settling down into the covers.

She felt…odd. Her house was only a ten minute walk away, yet there she had been settling into bed with Severus; almost as if they were a couple. She glanced towards him, as he lay sleeping soundly, contemplating his behaviour the previous night. Dare she hope?

She already had started to hope, if she was honest with herself. Since the day she had shown up on his doorstep she had been hoping, constantly. And now, maybe, her waiting was done…

Severus stirred at her side. She looked over as his eyes flickered open. She smiled at him; after a few moments of looking at her, his disorientation dissipated and he raised his eyebrows briefly in acknowledgement. He looked over at the clock, then back at her.

"Have you been awake long?" his voice was rough with sleep.

"No, not long," she shook her head.

He nodded, then reached over, gently caressing her hair. She leaned into his hand, then shifted forward. She reached up, slipping a hand to his neck, and drew him close, kissing him softly. He kissed her that same slow, tender way he had kissed her the night before and she felt herself melt in his arms as his lips moved to her jaw line.

"I love you," it came out in a breath, a sigh almost. She wasn't even sure if she'd said it. Not until Severus froze; his body tensing instantaneously. The two of them remained that way for a moment, both frozen in time.

Lily suddenly blushed, furiously, and pulled away, flinging the covers off herself. She was thankful she had slept in her t-shirt and underwear; she quickly pulled on her miniskirt. As she turned to leave long, slender fingers grasped his wrist. She turned; Severus was at her side, having pulled on his robe.

"Wait," his voice was quiet.

She shook her head, "No," she pulled her arm free and turned, hurrying from the room.

* * *

Severus paced, awkwardly, outside Lily's front door. He hadn't been to the house in years; the last time being in the summer following their fifth year, when he had begged Petunia to let him see Lily. The memory caused the bile to rise in his stomach, as he remembered back to the humiliating spectacle he had made of himself. He quickly pushed those thoughts out of his mind; they would do nothing to help his present situation.

He wanted her; he needed her. He hadn't heard anything from her in two days and he was beginning to think that when she ran out, she had done so for good. The thought frightened him; and, as angry as the truth made him, he wasn't going to let her get away. No. Not if what she'd said had been true.

He knocked, determinedly, on the door. After a couple of moments Lily's mother answered the door. Immediately she broke into a wide smile, "Oh my Lord, Severus!" He was suddenly pulled into a tight embrace, "Look at you, I can hardly believe my eyes!" He was vaguely aware that he was blushing as he was released from the hug.

"Mrs Evans," a smile came easily; he had always liked Lily's mother.

"Marjorie, please," she said, continuing to smile brightly, and stepped aside, "You'll be wanting to see Lily. Come on in out of that cold; she's upstairs in her room. Same one, you remember?"

He nodded and with another, this time forced, smile at her he made his way up the stairs. He paused outside Lily's door; some ridiculously cheery tune blared from inside. He knocked, cautiously but loudly, so as to be heard over the music. He heard her singing as she approached the door.

"I don't care too much for money…" as she opened the door, her singing stopped. She stared at him, her eyes slightly wider than usual, "Severus," her voice was quiet, and barely heard above the music, "What are you doing here?"

He shifted, uncomfortably, "I…uh…I thought we should talk."

She frowned, then smirked, "Talk? You?"

He looked around the hallway, cautiously, "Yeah. Maybe, in your room?"

She stepped aside and he walked in. She walked over, turning down the music and lifting up some clothes from the floor, putting them on the desk chair, "Excuse the mess. I wasn't expecting company."

"Forget it," Severus said, with a dismissive wave, as he sat on the bed. Lily walked over, slowly, sitting down next to him.

A heavy silence fell over the two of them.

Severus took a deep breath, "So…why haven't you been 'round?"

Lily kept her eyes focused on her hands, which were clasped tightly in her lap. She swallowed, glanced at him briefly, then looked away, "Severus…I made a mistake. I don't…our arrangement? I've changed my mind. It's off."

Severus closed his eyes, feeling his stomach clench.

"I…" she looked down, "I shouldn't have said what I did…"

"Why not?"

She looked at him quickly, "Because…because it was silly of me."

"Why was it silly?"

"Because…I don't know!" she stood, wringing her hands and then shoving them into the pockets of her jeans, "I just…I wasn't thinking."

Severus only looked at her, any words he had rehearsed in his head forgotten. He really had no idea what to say.

"Severus," she spoke, softly, crossing her arms over her chest, as she looked down at the floor between them, "I meant what I said."

Severus felt something strange in his stomach.

"I…that's what's silly," she looked at him, "I know you could never feel that way about me."

The two of them locked their eyes on one another for a moment; hers holding a barely concealed hope; his concealing everything.

"Could you?" she asked, her voice barely a whisper.

Severus looked away from her, towards her bookshelf. He looked down at his hands and then stood as well. He walked over, taking her hands in his. She raised hopeful eyes to his. He took a deep breath and shrugged, "I don't know." He noticed the small light in her eyes dimmer slightly before she attempted to pull her hands away; he tightened his hold on them, not letting go, "Lily."

"Severus," she shook her head, "Please…I can't."

"You can't what?" he frowned, trying to catch her eye, "Look…it doesn't have to be how we said." She looked at him, "I mean…you want strings? Fine. Strings it is."

"What are you talking about?" she asked, her brow lowered.

"Just that," he said, determinedly, "I want…" he looked away.

"You want what, Severus?"

He took a deep breath; wondering what he should say. How little he would need to reveal to keep her; he wasn't ready. He couldn't tell her how he felt; not yet. But maybe…if he let her hope? He looked back at her.

"You," he said, firmly. When she frowned, he allowed himself to elaborate, "I want you, Lily."

Another silence fell over them; this time he was sure was more uncomfortable than the first.

"Why?"

He frowned, "What?"

"Why do you want me?"

"Because I do," he snapped. She raised an eyebrow, looking at him sceptically. He sighed and shook his head, releasing her hands; "Look…I…I want to be with you. And if that means putting what I do; what you do; who we are on the table; then fine. I'm willing to do that." He looked at her intensely at that, "But don't be fooled, Lily. There's no way I can get out of doing what I do now. Even if I wanted to."

She held his look for a moment, "But do you want to?"

"Do I want to what?" he asked, unable to keep the irritation out of his voice. For Merlin's sake, hadn't he given he enough? He sooner hex his own head off before repeating what he'd said.

"Do you want to change?" she asked, her voice firmer now, "Do you want to leave him?"

He held her looked for a moment before he looked away. Did he? He'd never thought about it. He didn't exactly rejoice in what he had to do. Or the fact that the Cruciatus awaited him following any minor mistake. But he was something there; he wasn't the worthless human being people had claimed in his youth. He mattered; he was respected. He had Regulus; Lucius; Narcissa. People who cared. His duties were almost entirely off the field; it was his skills that mattered. Did he want to leave? No. He didn't. But he couldn't tell her that.

"I don't know," he said.

"You don't know," she said, an ironic nod, "Okay. Well then, you know what Severus? I can't be with someone who doesn't know if he doesn't want to leave a psychotic killer; whose targets just so happen to be people like me." She walked over, pulling open the door, "So…there's your answer."

He held her look for a moment; anger at his own stupidity falling over him. He knew that. He'd known from the start. He could never be with her; she would never want it. And he'd let himself be fooled; let himself think that she could. But as he looked at her, he knew that she had fooled herself too. That she hated herself as much as he hated himself at that moment; they'd both succumbed to hope.

With a curt nod, he walked by her and left the room.

* * *

Severus stared at the page before him; barely able to focus on the words, his mind stuck on a particularly infuriating redhead. The confrontation the previous evening weighed heavily on his mind. Christmas was in two days. He was busy contemplating whether or not to send the rejection letter he had written Lucius and Narcissa previously when a knock sounded at the door. He stood, immediately, an unwelcome surge of hope hitting him as he headed for the door. When he opened it, Lily stood on the other side.

"Lily," he said, quietly, delightedly.

She gave a small smile and stepped forward, pushing the door shut behind her. She hesitated for a moment, standing close to him, and holding his look. After a few seconds she stepped forward and kissed him softly; he returned it eagerly.

She drew back and grinned at him, "There be strings, Pinocchio."

Severus snorted at the reference to his favourite children's story and drew her back to him, kissing her once again.


	24. Playing With Fire IV

Chapter Nineteen

Lily stumbled sleepily into the living room and was promptly pulled into a tight embrace.

"Merry Christmas, my darling!" Marjorie Evans said, brightly, pressing a kiss to her daughter's cheek.

Lily laughed as she struggled out of the hug, "Merry Christmas, Mum." Despite the fact that she would be twenty the following month, her mother still treated her as if she were a child. Evident by the number of presents under the tree, "Mum, you bought so much this year!"

"Oh, that's because we've got the boys this year, don't we?" Marjorie smiled.

"Boys?" Lily frowned for a second before her eyes widened, slightly, "Mum, you got Severus something?"

"Why yes, of course!" Marjorie exclaimed, "The poor boy is living alone now; he'll be waking up to an empty house. Really, Lily, you should have asked him to stay here last night. In the spare room, of course."

Lily blushed a little at the twinkle in her mother's eye, "I did; he thought it would be too much trouble."

"Trouble?" Marjorie laughed, "Severus! He could never be any trouble."

Lily smiled a little at the irony of the statement and made her way over to the tree, "Can I open mine now? Or should I wait for Petunia?"

"Oh, go ahead, Sweetheart," Marjorie said with a wave at the presents.

Lily smiled gratefully at her mother as she sat down, lifting up a couple of the presents labelled to her. She took her time opening them, commenting on and thanking her mother for each in turn; several dresses; a nightgown; a number of vinyls; and a box of chocolates.

"This came for you this morning," Marjorie said, lifting a present from the other side of the tree, "By owl."

Lily glanced over at it and then at her mother, who looked slightly concerned. She reached for it and read the tag;

_Lily,_

_I know we're not together anymore. I couldn't resist._

_All my love,_

_James xx_

She sighed and opened the small package; inside a box lay a gold bracelet with three emeralds fitted into the chain. She smiled slightly, as she fingered the jewels; he never got over the fact that her favourite colour was green rather than the red and gold Gryffindor colours. She handed the box to her mother, who smiled and gave a half-hearted exclamation at its beauty;

"Have you seen James lately?"

Lily shrugged, not looking at her, as she glanced at the back of her Blondie vinyl, reading through the tracks, "I see him at meetings."

"And how are things?"

"They're fine," she said, dismissively.

"No awkwardness?"

Lily didn't dignify the question with a response; of course there was awkwardness. The two of them had seen one another several times since the break up; the first couple of times they ignored one another, their anger evident. By the fourth time he was pleading with her for a second chance, having discovered that she had heard about his behaviour regarding Severus. By that time she and Severus were sleeping together. In the weeks that followed, he continued to attempt to 'woo' her once again until he finally gave up and the two settled into awkward smiles and 'hellos' as they passed one another. Remus insisted he was still in love with her.

Marjorie made to hand the bracelet back to her. Lily held up a hand;

"Can you put it somewhere? I really…I can't wear it," she glanced at the clock, "Severus will be here in a couple of hours. Please, don't tell him about it," she looked down, "Severus and James…they don't exactly have a good history…"

"Of course, sweetheart," Marjorie said with a knowing glint in her eye, "Not a word," she tucked the box away in her pocket.

Lily smiled and, lifting one of the dresses, made to go upstairs and get ready.

* * *

Severus shifted, awkwardly tugging at the blue shirt he'd put on, as he looked at himself in the mirror. He _hated_wearing muggle clothing but didn't want to seem disrespectful by turning up at the Evans' dressed in his black wizarding robes. He never felt comfortable in them like Lily did, not since he had started at Hogwarts. Despite the fact that he didn't like wearing them, he liked that Lily had taken to it. In fact, since the two of them had started speaking again, he'd never even seen her in wizarding robes. It was always a dress, or jeans or a skirt with a t-shirt. He secretly preferred it; she looked much better in muggle clothing.

He frowned as a knock sounded at the door; he hadn't expected Lily to come to collect him. He hurried down the stairs to greet her; however, when he opened the door, came face to face with Regulus, who gave him a quick once over with a confused look.

Severus could feel the heat creep over his cheeks, "Regulus…what are you doing here?"

Regulus tore his eyes from the embarrassing clothing to look at him and force a smile, raising a bottle of firewhisky, "Thought you might want company; what with it being Christmas and all. Lucius told me you weren't going to Malfoy Manor this year."

Severus cleared his throat, "Well; as you see, I have other plans."

He noticed Regulus' expression become more concerned, "With Lily?"

Severus bit the inside of his cheek, pondering the question for a moment, "Yes."

Regulus gave an irritated sigh and shook his head, looking away from him, "I can't believe you're doing this."

"I really don't have time for this," Severus said, also becoming irritated, "Shouldn't you be with your family?"

Regulus shrugged, "Like I said; I thought you might want company."

Severus looked at him for a moment and then sighed, a strange feeling of gratification coming over him, "Well…thanks. But…well, Lily's expecting me, so I…"

"Oh yeah, sure," Regulus nodded, looking down. He was quiet for a moment then he shoved the bottle at him, leaving Severus little choice but to grasp it at the neck, "Merry Christmas," he said, before he turned and made to head down the street.

"Regulus," Severus stepped out onto the doorstep; the boy stopped and turned his head a little but didn't look at him, "Uh…thanks…again" he stammered, "Merry Christmas."

Regulus turned to look at him fully then, smirked and nodded, "I'll see you later then, Sev."

Severus felt a smile tug at his lips and, for the first time, didn't object to the nickname. He gave him and nod and then headed back into the house.

* * *

It was twelve thirty by the time he arrived at the Evans'; Lily was the one to greet him, dressed in a green muggle dress. She smiled brightly at him and hugged him, "Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas," he said, quietly, awkwardly returning the hug. She drew back the smile still on her face;

"Everyone's at Church just now," Lily said, as they went indoors, "I didn't think you'd want to go."

He didn't; "I wouldn't have minded," he lied.

She smirked at him, making it clear that she knew he was lying and nodded at the Christmas tree, "You presents await you."

"Presents?"

Fuck! Once again he had shown up empty handed; after that time when he was thirteen he had sworn he would never show up without gifts for her parents again.

"Yeah, I thought you'd find it weird," she said, sitting down on the couch, "But, you know my mum."

He nodded and sat down next to her, "I should wait until she gets here to open it."

"Them," she corrected, with a grin.

He closed his eyes and shook his head. When he opened them she held a wrapped gift out to him. He frowned, "What's this?"

"This is my present for you," she said, with a smile.

He forced a smile; it felt strange being this way. He and Lily hadn't spoken so amicably in years; and yet, since the decision to pursue this…relationship, things had quickly become like it used to be. But it made him feel awkward; it had been so long since he'd spoken to anyone that way.

"Thanks," he muttered, taking it from her. He reached into his pocket and held out a small, wrapped package to her, "Here."

She brightened with a wide smile, "You got me something?"

"So it would seem," he glanced at her, briefly, shaking it slightly towards her.

She smiled and took it; she glanced at him and noticed he was fidgeting with his own present rather than opening it. She turned to hers and tore off the brown paper it had been wrapped it; it was a ring in a matchbox.

"_It fell off here, I know it!" Lily snapped at him, furiously clawing that the leaves on the ground. Severus stood behind her, watching her. She turned around, angrily, "Don't just stand there, Sev! Help me!"_

"_I told you, I saw you wearing it when we were at the playground," he said, insistently._

"_Oh, well it's fine for you isn't it! It doesn't mean anything to you if I never find it again!" she said, furiously, as tears prickled in her eyes. She turned back around as the tears slid down her cheeks, pushing aside more of the leaves._

"_It's not that, I just know it isn't here!" _

"_Oh just fuck off if you're not going to help me!"_

"_For Merlin's sake, it's not here!"_

_She didn't say anything, only threw him a withering look._

"_Whatever," he turned and stormed away._

Her father had bought her the ring for her birthday a few months before he died. She had lost it not long after her sixteenth birthday; the two of them had already been drifting apart at that time. She looked at him, wide-eyed, "Is this…"

"No," he said, quietly, "I…" he shrugged, wondering if it was a silly idea, "I saw it at some shop in London. Thought you might like it."

She looked at it for a moment, then back at him with a small smile and he noticed her eyes glistened slightly, "It looks just like the one dad gave me."

He nodded, feeling extremely uncomfortable, "That…uh…that was the point."

She gave a small giggle and reached up, brushing the tear that escaped and smiled at him, "Thank you." She leaned over and kissed him tenderly, before looking back at the ring.

He turned his attention to his own gift and unwrapped it, slowly. It was a book; Great Expectations.

"It's so rubbish in comparison to what you got me," Lily said, and he noticed she was blushing a little when he looked at her, "It's that book I told you about when we were sixteen, remember? And I said I would lend you it once I'd finished, you know, before we…" she looked down.

He nodded, "I remember. It's not rubbish."

"Do you still read muggle novels?"

"Not really…" he looked at her disappointed expression, "Sometimes I do."

She gave him a small, forced smile and then looked back at her ring. She sighed and looked back at him with a smile, "Thank you, Severus."

He smiled back; it came easily that time.

* * *

The day passed pleasantly, with the exception of having to deal with Petunia Dursley and her imbecile of a husband; apparently he was wasn't yet aware of Lily's 'dark' secret and, consequently, any mention of the magical world was prohibited for the duration of the day while in his presence. Despite that, Severus had enjoyed himself; it had been a while since he'd eaten properly and Marjorie Evans was as kind to him as ever. In other words, _too_kind, having showered him with sweets and eggnog and the likes; as well as the presents he had received from her. A black sweatshirt, a blank notebook and some sort of muggle men's spray.

Following dinner, he and Lily had retreated to her room for a heavy make-out session but both had been reluctant to take it any further; Petunia's bursting in on them when they had shared their first kiss several years earlier had made them more aware of the bumps and noises beyond the door.

Eventually, the two of them had returned to the living room and watched television with her mother, Petunia and Vernon Dursley; the latter of the three feeling it was time to share the news that they were expecting their first child, which gained such a horrified look from Lily than he had almost choked on the muggle soft drink he had been consuming at the time of the announcement.

"Why, Petunia, that's wonderful news!" Marjorie Evans had exclaimed in delight, before drawing her eldest daughter into a tight hug.

Petunia had smiled, brightly, clearing pleased at the reaction the news had received, "We just found out last week."

Severus and Lily had smirked at one another, surreptitiously, as the three others had went on discussing babies and the wonders of parenthood, until Severus finally stated his intention to return home, it being well past midnight.

"This was fun," Lily said, as he pulled on his jacket, "I…I missed this."

He smiled and nodded, "Me too."

"Do you want me to come back to yours with you?"

He shook his head and leaned forward, kissing her gently, "Your sister probably wants you right now, don't you think?"

Lily rolled her eyes with a smirk, "Yeah, right." She glanced towards the living room, speaking quietly, "I can't believe she's pregnant! She's still so young!"

He shrugged, not sure what to say, but silently agreed with her; "I'll see you later, then."

She smiled and nodded, "Yeah, okay." She stepped forward, kissing him again. He squeezed her shoulder, gently, before he turned and left the house.

Severus could barely keep from smiling as he made the short walk back to Spinners End. He tried to force his lips to remain straight, but failed miserably. He was happy. He was actually happy; for the first time in he knew not how long. He had Lily Evans; he had friends; he was respected. It was everything he had ever wanted.

As he stepped up onto his doorstep he frowned; a letter lay just before the door. He reached down and lifted it;

_Severus,_

_The Dark Lord requests a meeting on the 27__th__ with our circle. __Compulsory_

_Regulus._

Severus stared at the letter in his hand for a moment. His lip twitched slightly; Lily came to his mind. He swallowed and lifted his wand to the corner of the paper; with a silent charm a small flame hooked onto the edge of it. Severus let it drop, as the note burned to ash, and stepped over it, heading into the house.


	25. Playing With Fire V

Chapter Twenty

"They want to call it Dudley if it's boy!" Lily was babbling, as he flicked through one of his old books, "_Dudley!_Can you believe that? It sounds like a cartoon!"

Severus smirked and turned the page.

"And if it's a girl; she wants to call it Gwyneira!"

Severus snorted that time, closed his eyes briefly and shook his head.

"Dudley and Gwyneira!" she broke out into giggles, "I don't think I'll be able to keep a straight face when I'm babysitting. I mean, imagine having to shout that out the door; Gwyneira, dinner's ready…I'd be so embarrassed! The neighbours would probably think I was shouting on a dog or something!"

"Lily," Severus snickered, shaking his head, "It's not your kid. And_Vernon _is hardly a precious name."

She shook her head, "Poor Tuney; maybe she doesn't like the names, either."

"Maybe," he replied, sceptically, not looking up.

"It's your birthday soon," she declared, excitedly.

"I am aware of that."

"What do you want to do for it?"

"Nothing."

"You can't do nothing!" she scoffed, "It's your twentieth! It's an important age!"

"No it isn't," he glanced at her briefly, "It's the twenty-first that's big. The twentieth is just like any other day."

"No; it's the day you stop being a teenager," she said, a hint of sadness in her voice. He rolled his eyes and said nothing; "I hear there's some local bands playing at the pub in town."

"Ah," he smirked, "So you already had a plan."

"Well, I knew you wouldn't have," she said with a grin, "So; what do you think?"

"Whatever," he said, dismissively. At her exasperated look he added, "Sounds good." She smiled brightly, though she raised a sceptical eyebrow.

"What are you reading?" she turned to look at him fully.

"A book."

She rolled her eyes, "Sarcasm party; table for one."

He lifted the book from his lap so she could see the cover. _Issues and Ethics in the Dark Arts. _He glanced at her out the corner of his eye and immediately took note of her unimpressed look. His eyes snapped back to the book as he lowered it to his knees. There was a silence for a moment and he thought she would strike up a conversation or a rant about his interest until she turned to look at the television, which had been on but remained unwatched since she'd arrived.

Despite the fact that they were now trying to pursue as normal a relationship as possible, his role in the war was still a sort-of taboo subject; only a couple of times had it come up. Once when she'd asked what his main role was; he'd informed her it was potion-making and healing abilities. She had been sceptical at first, reminding him that she had seen him in a raid, but had been convinced otherwise when he explained the small need for those skills during the time period. The second had been when a Phoenix patronus had fluttered into her bedroom and, in the voice of Albus Dumbledore, had informed her of an Order meeting. She had flushed red and insisted he tell her something secret, something only a Death Eater would know; he told her Voldemort was Half-blood and warned her that if he ever found out he'd told her he'd be killed. He was sure he could see the trust bud and grow instantly as the conversation took place.

They had spent New Years apart, much to his dismay. However he had managed to catch glimpses of her throughout the night as he, Regulus and several other Death Eaters had celebrated in The Broom and Dragon; he had told Lily they were going there and she had intentionally dragged along several of her friends. To his annoyance the Marauders were there, apparently part of her group, and he couldn't help but notice how Potter hung around her like a fly the entire night. It irritated him to no end, unable to quell the surge of jealously he felt every time the arrogant arsehole dared to touch her arm or kiss her cheek; it took everything in him not to send a curse at him from across the room. To his delight, however, as the count down to midnight began she had snuck out the back and he had followed; and the two had brought in the New Year with a kiss beneath the stars, as fireworks lit the skies, away from the prying eyes of the other celebrators.

Severus was faltering. He had wanted it all; he knew he had. Regulus knew it too; Regulus, who was extremely angry with him at the moment. And who kept insisting that it would all come back and smack him in the face. Soon. Severus wasn't sure if that was a threat or if it was a warning. But with a slight use of legilimency, he had found only a very great concern behind the boy's words and he couldn't help but feel a little guilty. He wasn't accustomed to having someone worry over him and the thought that the kid was wasting time considering his problems was slightly unsettling. He had only been attending meetings when they were compulsory; when the Dark Lord would be present. Lucius was becoming agitated, he could tell, but he always managed to escape before he managed to catch him. He was letting them down, Lucius and Regulus, and he felt terrible for it. But his guilt vanished when he came home and found Lily in his sitting room; waiting for him.

He had someone waiting at home for him. And his heart soared every time he thought on it.

Severus glanced at the girl by his side; she sat, relaxed, completely content, a soft smile playing about her lips while wisps of red hair moved against her skin as she breathed. She felt his gaze on her and turned slightly to look at him, her eyes warm; full of love. Love for him. She was everything; he was alive when he was with her. Every nerve in his body stirred when she was near; a smile, a touch, a laugh. All could provoke that tickle in his stomach; not quite an unwelcome feeling.

She smiled and looked back at the television.

She was everything he had ever wanted; everything he had ever needed. It only took him twelve years to see it. As long as he had her, nothing else mattered. He wanted to give her something; he wanted to give her everything. Make her feel the way he felt when he was with her. _I am so in love with you, Lily Evans. _

As if she'd heard, she turned her head once again, meeting his eyes. He smiled; her eyes brightened slightly at the action and she leaned forward, pressing her lips to his. He reached up, letting his hand slip into the deep red locks; silky soft between his fingers. He felt her smile against his lips before she giggled, quietly, and drew back. He drank in her features; her impish smile; her emerald eyes shining in the light.

This moment; he would treasure it forever.

* * *

"So, what do you think?" Lily shouted out, over the music.

"I think you should keep you voice down and sit down," he hissed, his eyes darting suspiciously around the room. Granted, it was a muggle pub, and no other wizard was likely to walk by the building, never mind enter it. He had charmed his hair and eyebrows blonde for the evening and tied it back, while Lily had gone for a dull brown, with purple highlights; both wore dark sunglasses. He felt like an absolute idiot! The jeans he was wearing were insanely tight; why did muggles put themselves through this? He shifted, trying to fix the discomfort of his groin. Lily, on the other hand, wore a purple dress. They looked like complete goons! He was sure his normally pale skin had gone a permanent shade of red.

He had pointed out the obvious that they had failed to consider when they made the plans earlier that week; they couldn't be seen together. And, though it was unlikely they would be, being in a muggle neighbourhood, they couldn't be too careful. Particularly with James Potter pursuing her; a fact she had told him of very reluctantly. Did he never let up? Severus would've had a much better birthday if he had been able to spend the night hexing the bastard.

Instead, he was sitting, despite the disguise Lily had forced upon them, attempting to blend into the walls, while his eyes darted to every corner of the room. He couldn't even relax and focus on the delightful fact that Lily was holding his hand, squeezing it every so often, while she danced in her seat to the music. He wanted to go home. And now he was sounding like a child.

"Lily, lets go," he said, leaning close to her ear, "We look like idiots. I think we're drawing more attention looking like this, than we would have if we'd come out in our Death Eater and Order robes respectively," he hissed, quietly.

Lily smirked and looked over at him; he couldn't see her eyes. He wanted to see them, "It's almost finished, I think."

"Please," he hissed, his eyes once again darting around, anxiously, "Let's just go. We can go back to mine."

"Oh, how presumptuous!" she said with a teasing grin.

"Not for _that!_" he said, rolling his eyes, slightly, "Come on." He stood and grabbed her hand, pulling her out of the building. She was giggling as they stumbled out into the cold January night.

"You're right, we do look like idiots," she sniggered, speaking quietly as she looked around. He couldn't help smiling at the animated look on her face, as he pulled her around the back of the building and apparated themselves to Spinners End. He hurried up to the door and quickly went inside, Lily close on his heels. With a quick wave of his wand he resumed his normal features and tossed off the silly sunglasses, while Lily watched in giggles.

"My, you make such a handsome blonde, birthday boy" she laughed.

He rolled his eyes as his lips twitched. He reached over and pulled off the offending sunglasses, blocking her eyes from his view. He smiled fully as he looked down at her and then kissed her. He waved his wand and her red hair returned, "Much better," he muttered, reaching up and stroking it as he pulled back.

She laughed and shook her head, "I love you."

He only smiled and kissed her again. He sensed her disappointment but forced himself to ignore it; he tried to pour all his feelings into the kiss, let her know what she wanted to know. At that moment an owl tapped on the window. The two of them pulled apart. Severus silently charmed the window open and an owl flew into the room and dropped a letter on the table, before swooping out of the room. He recognised it as both Regulus' owl and his handwriting without going over. He turned back to Lily with a smile; "It can wait."

"Are you sure?" she looked concerned, "I don't want you getting…"

"I'm sure," he interrupted her and leaned down, kissing her with fervour. She returned the kiss eagerly, and the note went forgotten.

* * *

Severus read over the note again, slightly anxiously.

_Severus,_

_The Dark Lord requests a meeting with us; yourself, me and Lucius.__Tonight__ at __9pm. __Do not be late._

_Regulus._

_Idiot!_Severus thought, rubbing a hand over his face. He'd hurried Lily out of the house after reading the note; if he was lucky the Dark Lord wouldn't show up on his doorstep and kill him. Not that he was worthy of such an 'honour'; he'd probably have Regulus do it. The bliss he'd experienced for the past few weeks was slowly dissipating. The mistakes of his youth would always haunt them; they would never be free of them.

Not unless they ran.

Severus wondered at it. Would she? Would she give up everything; come away with him? He sighed and tightened his hold on the parchment; creases crept up it. No; he knew she wouldn't. She had already told him that her place was here; that she couldn't just up and leave. But maybe; things were different now. They were together; properly. If he would commit to it; to them…

A loud banging at the door sounded; Severus glanced at the clock. It was 1 o clock in the morning. He frowned; he hadn't expected a confrontation after midnight. He made his way to the door, pushing any nervousness aside. He could be brave. He pulled open the door a couple of inches; and then it flew open, sending Severus back against the wall. Lucius Malfoy stormed into the house, slamming the door shut behind him.

He turned furious, burning eyes on him. And Severus realised; he knew.

"Have you completely lost your mind?" the older man spoke lowly, threateningly, pronouncing each word as he did so. He sounded almost like _him. _

"Excuse me?" Severus forced himself to remain calm.

"Do not play games with me, Severus," Lucius hissed, his eyes dark, terrifying, "Is she here?" He glanced very briefly, so quickly Severus wasn't sure if he had seen correctly, towards the stairs.

Severus swallowed, "I don't know who you mean."

Lucius raised a hand as if to backhand him, but then let it drop and grab him by the shoulder. He shoved him into the living room, "You are playing a very dangerous game, Severus. If you start cooperating, I might not kill you."

Severus' nerves were beginning to show; Lucius Malfoy rarely made empty threats. And he had never before made one to him.

Severus swallowed again, his throat scratched, "No. She's not here."

"A very good thing for her," came Lucius' low reply, "Because she wouldn't be leaving here alive if she were."

Severus instantly felt a stab of fury hit him and he clenched a fist. Lucius glanced towards it with a smirk, "Oh dear; I've hit a nerve."

Severus looked away; _Regulus, you absolute bastard._

Lucius seemed to have read his thoughts, "Ah yes; Regulus," he said, softly, "It might interest you to know that Regulus is suffering a questionable amount of mental damage due to the Cruciatus Curse as we speak."

Severus' eyes flashed as he felt something clench in his stomach. He was surprised; he thought he only cared for Lily, "Is…is he okay?"

"It is best that you see to him as soon as possible," Lucius said, smoothly, as he paced the room, looking for signs of Lily's presence.

"I…why?" Severus frowned, "What happened to him?"

"The Dark Lord was most displeased with the frequent excuses he had been making for your absences over the past few weeks," Lucius said, looking out the window, "Tonight, I'm afraid, was the last straw." He turned angry eyes to him.

Severus was finding it difficult to breath; the Dark Lord knew. No. No; he couldn't. His hands shook.

Lucius grinned slightly, "Do not worry yourself, Severus." He crossed his arms across his chest, "If Regulus had revealed the truth to the Dark Lord himself, he would be dead. As would you."

Severus frowned a little, confused.

"He told me after I returned him home," Lucius stated, "Quite delirious, but thinking clearly, I'm sure. He is most distressed at the moment."

"I should go to him."

"Yes; but not quite yet," Lucius held up a hand, "We have a matter of great importance to discuss."

Severus made to speak.

"I'm sorry, did I say discuss?" he said, with mock thoughtfulness, "I do apologise; I mean – I have something to say. And you are going to listen."

Severus bit his lip.

"Regulus reckons you're in love," Lucius began softly, before his voice hardened, "I couldn't care less. Whatever insane reason you have for this sordid affair; it is now over."

Severus made to protest but Lucius spoke over him.

"You think only your life is at stake here, Severus?" Lucius' eyes narrowed, "Like I said; if Regulus was to inform the Dark Lord of what you are doing, you will be killed. But so will he; because he knows. And has done for quite some time, I gather."

He stepped forward, his voice low, "You and I have been friends for a long time. Your brother was a great friend of mine. I do not want to see you die. Therefore, I am willing to turn a blind eye."

Severus couldn't hide the surprise on his expression.

"On one condition," Lucius' voice was clipped, "Because I have not informed the Dark Lord immediately upon receiving this information, because I am offering you this ultimatum, I am now culpable. And so, by extension, are my wife and my baby."

Severus felt his stomach churn, sickeningly.

"I know all about you and Lily Evans, Severus," Lucius went on, "I know your history; why your friendship ended. I know that you, like any man, are susceptible to a beautiful woman's charms. Indeed, you may have even fallen in love with her."

Lucius eyes darkened, as he stepped closer, "But know this, Severus. I am not willing to put the lives of myself; of my wife; of our baby; or of her cousin on the line because you've decided you want to give it a try with your mudblood. I _will not _stand by while you throw your own life away; while you risk _our_lives on a girl who has already proven to you that she will bail out on you without a second glance if you step out of her myopic view of reality."

Severus flinched.

"I mean it, Severus," Lucius spoke lowly, "If this continues, I _will_tell the Dark Lord. It ends _now!"_ The final statement was bellowed; the first time Severus had ever heard him raise his voice, and he flinched back as it happened. With that, Lucius turned on his heel and strode purposely from the room.

Severus kept his eyes on the door for a moment; his world crumbling. He swallowed and took a step, another, and then resumed his normal pace as he made to go to Grimmauld Place.


	26. Playing With Fire VI

Chapter Twenty One

14.46; 04.

She wrung her hands together as she eyed the bare, white walls.

14.46; 07.

A girl walked by her; clearly she had been crying.

14.46; 11.

She swallowed and looked at the floor, her toes curling.

14.46; 14.

"Miss Lily Evans?"

She looked up sharply at her name; a young male medi-wizard stood before her with a small smile, "This way, please."

She stood quickly and, grabbing her bag, walked after him. She wished she had asked Alice or Mary or someone to come with her. She could feel her heart beating rapidly, that same panicky heat come over her, as she was lead into one of the consultation rooms.

The medi-wizard smiled again at her and motioned to the seat before him, "Please, have a seat Miss Evans."

Lily sat down, knowing she was shaking, her nerves barely suppressed, "Thanks."

"How are you today?" he asked, as he reached for some files.

"Good…fine," she shrugged, "I guess," she forced a smile, "And yourself?"

He glanced up at her with another smile, clearly not expecting the response, "I am very well, thank you."

He placed the clipboard he had selected on the desk; she looked over and saw her name at the top, "I'm sorry, I've forgotten my manners; my name is Medi-Wizard Barnes."

She forced a smile again, though she was sure it came out a grimace, as she looked around the room; pictures of babies were everywhere. Mothers and babies. Adoption posters. Abortion posters. She lowered her eyes to her hands, which were clasped together, tightly.

"What can I help you with today?" he asked, his voice soft; she knew he knew that she didn't want to be there.

"I…" her voice hitched and she closed her eyes, feeling tears threaten, "I think I might…"

He was nodding, a sympathetic look in his eyes, that same, infuriating smile on his face and she was tempted to take out her wand and hex him.

"I might be pregnant," she said, as she stared at his shoes. Of course he knew that; the idiot! Why else would she be in the bloody pregnancy department if she wasn't pregnant? Did he need her to put it in writing, too?

"I see," he said, leaning back in his chair, "And have your missed a monthly cycle?"

"I…uh…" she stuttered, flushing red, "Yes…"

"Just the one?"

"Yes," she said, looking over his shoulder at nothing in particular, "Last month. Although…it was irregular the month before."

"I see," he nodded, "Have you been experiencing any symptoms of pregnancy?"

She shook her head, "No; well…I feel a little sick sometimes. And…" she paused, blushing, but made a wave at her chest.

He nodded, "You've been feeling discomfort?"

"Yes."

"And I see you are not currently on any medications?" he asked, as he looked over her file.

She shook her head, no.

He nodded and stood, making his way over to the examination table, "Very well. Are you aware of the procedures of the test?"

She looked over at him, nervously, her mouth dry.

"There's no need to worry," he said, with a patronising softness to his voice, "A mere examination, no more than a few minutes. Though you will need to change into one of these robes," he said, as he lifted a white robe.

She eyed it and stood, walking over to take it from him. He smiled again; she didn't smile back that time, just stepped behind the curtain to change. God, she wished she had someone there with her. Her mum. She couldn't remember a time when she had ever wanted her mother so badly. She tugged off her wizarding robes slowly, a lump becoming larger in her throat, making it difficult to breathe. She stared at the white robe in her hands and slowly sunk down onto the examination table as tears came to her eyes. She sniffed as quietly as possible as she felt them spill over, trailing down her cheeks.

"Miss Evans?"

She sniffed louder that time as she quickly got to her feet and pulled the robe over her head. She drew in a trembling breath, quickly wiped at her cheeks and then pulled the curtain aside. He stood there, smilingly, holding a clipboard in one hand and his wand in the other.

"If you would lie down on the examination table for me," he motioned towards it.

She climbed up, becoming more and more nervous. She wished she had gone to a muggle doctor; she had gone the previous week with Petunia and her mother. At least if she had gone there she would have had a better idea of what was going on.

He stood before her, "Now, if you feel any discomforted, just let me know."

"Discomfort?" she sat up, "What kind of discomfort?"

He gave a small smile, "I meant more emotional rather than physical discomfort. The examination is painless."

She drew in a deep breath and lay down.

"Could you bend your knees, please? Try and lift them towards your chest, but keep your feet on the bed."

She closed her eyes, as tears threatened once again. She wanted Severus. She wished she had told him first; that he could be here with her. Her hands shook and she placed them on her stomach, just below her breasts.

"I'm sorry, dear, could you put your hands at your sides, please?"

She bit her lip, squeezing her eyes shut tighter, as she felt him lifting the robe, and pressed her hands against the bed. She couldn't believe that Alice had been through this; she should have spoken to her first. Asked her what would happen.

She hadn't told anyone.

There were so many people she'd wished she'd told. So many things she'd wished she'd done. She and Severus had been so careful. Always. Never once had they failed to cast the contraceptive charm.

She opened her eyes and looked down as he waved a wand over her abdomen, his brow furrowed somewhat in concentration. She swallowed and cleared her throat. He looked up at her and gave her a small smile; he nodded and recovered her.

"That is all," he said, stepped back from her, "I'll let you get dressed."

"Can't you tell me now?"

"I shall wait at the desk," he said, with another smile, before he turned and pulled the curtain, hiding her from his view. She watched after him and then looked up at the tiled ceiling, letting her head fall back against the table. Once again she felt the prickle of tears; she had cried so much over the past couple of days, ever since she had accepted that her period wasn't coming. She hadn't seen Severus in almost a week. She desperately wanted to see him; to have him hold her. But she knew now. She knew it was hopeless. A baby was the worst thing that could've possibly happened to them. He would be punished dreadfully for it if…if _he _were to find out.

With a trembling sigh she forced back the tears, pushing Severus to the back of her mind, and rolled over off of the table, gracelessly. She pulled the robe over her head and draped it carelessly on the bed, lifting her own robes from the floor and slowly dressing herself; having no desire to hear the impending result.

A few short minutes later she was ready and reluctantly made her way to sit before the medi-wizard, who was writing something down on her file. He looked up at her with a smile; though this time it seemed slightly pitying. She sat down, the look he was giving her making it very clear what he was about to say.

"Well, Miss Evans," he looked at her, tilting his head to the side slightly and nodded, "It…"

"I'm pregnant, aren't I?" she said, quietly, not looking at him.

He looked at her for a moment but she avoided his eyes; he nodded, "Yes."

She closed her eyes, surprised by the abrupt rising of tears. She reached up, covering her eyes with her hand.

"Are you still involved with the father?" he asked.

She nodded, slowly, keeping her eyes covered, "Yes."

"That's very good," he said and, to her complete irritation, he was smiling again when she lowered her hand, "That tends to make such situations easier."

Lily glared at him, not hiding her irritation with him any longer. He had no _idea _what the situation was.

He averted his eyes, awkwardly. An uncomfortable silence fell over them as he made to write something in her file.

"So," Lily said, feeling slightly guilty, "What happens now?"

"Well, you must decide whether or not you want to continue with the pregnancy," he said, his voice more professional, "It is advisable that you decide as soon as possible, as your pregnancy is entering its second trimester."

She frowned, looking startled, "Second trimester? What does that mean? Isn't that quite far?"

He nodded, "Yes; the second trimester begins from the twelfth week; I believe you are just over eleven at the moment."

Eleven…almost three months. _No. _She felt her world crumbling, as the medi-wizard continued his explanation of the three trimesters; moving on to discussing pre-natal care. She zoned out, staring at his shoes, feeling as if she were drowning. Eleven weeks. Three months; James. Severus; two months. No.

Lily's eyes darted around the room as she completely blocked out what the medi-wizard was saying to her. Her thoughts a whirlwind; she couldn't focus on any of them. Eleven weeks; Severus; James Potter; a baby.

She felt the tears rise again, this time uncontrollable. No; a baby wasn't the worst thing that could have happened to her and Severus.

James Potter's baby; that was the worst thing that could have happened.

* * *

Severus was confused. He hadn't seen Lily in over a week; not that he had made an attempt to contact her. He knew he shouldn't; he was resolved that he wouldn't. It was hopeless after all; Lucius had made that very clear. He hadn't even considered the ramifications it would have on Regulus; on Lucius and Narcissa now that the news had spread. He had rushed to Grimmauld Place following the confrontation; Regulus had been almost delirious when he arrived though, thankfully, the effects were reversible.

But as the boy stared at him; completely blank after a while, as if he had no idea who he was, when he had uttered his pleas for forgiveness for joining the Death Eaters…Severus shook his head, lowering his eyes to the unopened book in his lap; if anyone else had been there he would have been reported for treachery. He knew well enough that Regulus wanted out; that he couldn't cope with what was going on. But the boy had never explicitly told him so. And the fact that he did then, following his torture, made it very clear just how much danger he had put the boy in.

And like Lucius said; there was Narcissa to consider now too. And the baby. He wouldn't be able to forgive himself if anything happened to the Malfoys because of him, after all they had done for him. For a time they had been his only friends; the only people he could count on. Because Lily had turned her back on him…

He quickly pushed the thought to the back of his mind; no. He wouldn't go back to that. That was history. She had apologised profusely for it. Had given him the best two months of his life; he loved her.

And yet, where was she?

She had no idea what had transpired between him and Lucius; what had happened with Regulus. Why wouldn't she come back to him? He felt a painful twist in his stomach; perhaps she had changed her mind? Had come to her senses too? Maybe the note; maybe the sneaking around on his birthday had made her realise the truth; that they could never be. At least…not yet. Maybe when this was all over?

There were so many maybes; so many ideals he clung to.

If they couldn't have one another now maybe they could wait; would she wait? Until the Dark Lord was gone…He had the uneasy thought that he may never be gone; that he was becoming stronger with each passing day. But no, he had to be defeated.

Of course, if he was, that would be no good for him either; he'd been on a one-way ticket to Azkaban without a second thought.

He sighed, rubbing a hand over his face; it wasn't just his situation with Lily that was fruitless. It was his entire life. He had sold his soul at eighteen; Lily had given him it back for a while. But it couldn't last. Nothing ever could.

Everything, all of it; it was completely, utterly hopeless.

* * *

Anonymous Review replies:

Thank you to the anonymous reviewer without the name; I'm glad you liked the description :).

Foggy: I'm very flattered with your comments on the writing style. As for it being fanfiction, you're right, it is. And I completely understand your 'foolish hope' for him to have some happiness in his life. Because this story is written as a backstory for the Severus/Lily relationship, I have to stick to canon. I'm afraid our issues about the unfairness of Severus' life are something we'd have to take up with J.K. Rowling. Thanks very much for the reviews!


	27. Playing With Fire VII

Chapter Twenty Two

Lily stared up at the ceiling from her bed; something she'd done so very often the past few days. It had been almost two weeks now since she had seen Severus. He had written her the day before; which surprised her. But rather than giving her any sort of relief, any sort of joy; it had her spend almost an hour sobbing into her pillow, as she was once again reminded of all that was lost.

The fact that she was nineteen and pregnant (and unmarried) was one of the major concerns she had before she went to the infirmary. The fact that Severus would probably be tortured, perhaps killed, for fathering the child of a muggleborn had been a very potent, very terrifying thought and it was that that prevented her from sharing the news with him as soon as she suspected. But now everything was worse. So much worse. For her; not for him. He had a way out.

She knew very well what the conception date had been; she had worked it out the night after she received the confirmation. Had sat and counted back the weeks through the calendar; hoping that, perhaps, she and Severus had been together for longer than she had estimated. But no; it wasn't even when she and James were on good terms. It was that night; the night of Eileen Snape's funeral; the night she had ran from him to James. And the realisation had sickened her.

Lily couldn't cry anymore; she was sure there was nothing left. She slid her hand beneath the fabric of her t-shirt, over her stomach. A baby was growing in there. She closed her eyes, pressing down, wondering if she would feel it. With a sigh she opened her eyes again; this wasn't how she wanted to have her first child. She wanted it to be special; to make something of herself first; then she would be able to give it everything, like any child deserves. It didn't deserve to be born into this; into her miserable life; into a war where it would be discriminated against, condemned for its parentage.

She drew in a deep breath and rolled over onto her side; she lay her hand beside her, Severus' ring not quite coming into focus. She wanted him so much; she needed him. The idea that he would soon be lost to her, that there was no hope for them devastated her. Because the pregnancy, even though it was James' baby, that wasn't the problem. That was just the stopper. The thing that made it all real.

Because they never could be. They had both known it; she had hoped, had thought he could come back to her. That it wasn't too late. But there was no way that could be; _he _would find him if they ran, would kill him. There was no way out. He told her he'd sold his soul; she refused to believe it, had clung to the hope, the ideal that they could be together. That they could grow old together; that they could do it all; get married; have kids. The whole package. That what was going on didn't matter because they had their own world; they had their own reality.

She had lived in a dream. Had allowed herself to hope; no, not just to hope, to believe. She drew in a shaky breath. The baby didn't matter; the two of them were doomed from the start. Since the day they had embarked on the relationship. Since the day they sat beneath the Sorting Hat.

She bit her lip until she tasted blood.

She had told her mother that morning. She had been furious as expected; but was infuriated even further to learn that the father was James. She knew her mother had always hoped she would end up with a muggle; Severus was half way there. James; he was a world apart from what Marjorie Evans knew. Lily hadn't been sure whether or not she was going to tell James; though it wasn't something she could hide. Everyone would know soon enough.

Her mother had told her to tell him; but she told her to go to Severus first.

But she couldn't. It was over; she knew it. But going to him, talking to him, telling him; that made it all real. It made it permanent. She didn't want to let go; she didn't want to give up. She wanted to lock herself up in her room until it was over and then, when it was, she wanted to crawl out and into his arms and tell him that she loved him and that she would never leave him; that she had never stopped believing in them. That the world didn't matter; that all that mattered was them. That they were together.

That was her world.

But it was a lie.

* * *

Severus was anxious; he was almost out of his mind. He hadn't seen Lily is almost two weeks. He had given in; had owled her the day before but still she wouldn't contact him. He had gone to her house that day but her mother had turned him away. He was confused, and worried, and hurt. Why was she shunning him? Didn't she even have the decency to explain? To break up with him to his face? 

Yes; Lucius was right. Yes; Regulus was right. They couldn't be together. But it couldn't end like this; not this…nothingness. As if she'd been cut completely from his life. He needed to see her; he needed her to know that he wanted it. That he wanted her. And that he was sorry it couldn't work. That he wanted it to work like she did; like she had...

He stood from the chair, pacing the floor.

He wanted to touch her; to look into her eyes. To kiss her, to hold her one last time. Was it so much to want to say goodbye?

He hated that he'd succumbed to this; that he'd dropped to this level of wretchedness. That he allowed himself to need her so much that it was agony to think about her. He closed his eyes, raising a hand to his face. He had so many regrets. So many things he'd wished he'd done; so many things he'd wished he'd said.

At that moment a soft knock sounded at the door.

His brow lowered; his heart leapt. He hurried towards the door and pulled it open.

Lily stood before him in the rain, her wet hair matted to her face. Her t-shirt clinging to her skin. She wasn't even wearing a jacket. He frowned and quickly pulled her in; "Lily?" He pushed the door shut behind him.

He was torn between deciding if he should be angry; if he should yell at her or be distant for staying away for so long. Or if he should swallow his pride and gather her into his arms. Hold her, like he so desperately wanted to.

She stood in front of him, with her back to him.

He swallowed and reached out, touching her shoulder lightly, "Lily?"

She turned and he noticed her eyes were red. Before he could comment she had pushed herself up against him with a slow gracefulness, taking his face in her hands, kissing him slowly, tenderly. As if she was kissing him for the last time. He reached for her, grasping her waist, pride be damned. She was here.

After several long moments she tilted her head back, parting their lips but keeping them close, to press her forehead against his. Her eyes were closed.

"I love you, Severus," she whispered.

_I love you too. _He made to kiss her again but she drew back, rolling back off her tiptoes and turned away from him. They stood like that for a moment before she walked into the living room. He followed, completely perplexed by her behaviour. Something was wrong; something horrible was happening. He could sense it.

He sat next to her on the couch and noticed she was shivering, as she ground her teeth together. He quickly cast a drying charm on her. She gave a small, pained smile as she turned to look at him, speaking hoarsely, "Thank you."

"Lily," he spoke quietly, casting another charm on her, this time a warming one, when he noticed she was still shaking, "What's wrong?"

She stared at his lap, not answering for a while. He noticed her attempt to steady her breathing. He reached out to touch her arm, caressing it gently. He had not seen her like this since her father had died; when it seemed as if her spirit had left her forever. He squeezed her arm, gently, anxiously, "Lily, please. Tell me."

She drew in a shaky breath and closed her eyes briefly. She raised her eyes to his, her voice barely above a whisper; "I'm pregnant."

A heavy silence fell over them, as they held one another's look.

Severus could only stare. _Shit._

"Well, uh…that's…" he began, uncertainly.

She held up a hand, as she averted her eyes, "It gets worse."

He frowned a little, "Worse? Is…is there something wrong? Are you…"

"Stop," she whispered, this time a tear escaped when she closed her eyes, "I…I'm going to just say this. I…please, let me finish before you say anything."

He nodded, anxious to find out the cause of her distress.

She kept her eyes on his chest, not looking at him, "I went…to see a medi-wizard," she looked down, "Last week. I…he…he told me that…" she stopped, her voice catching. She looked up at him, tears in her eyes. When she spoke again, her voice was shaky, heavy with the threat of sobs, "That I'm eleven weeks gone…twelve now."

Severus could only frown for a moment, not comprehending the problem. But then, looking at the utter hopelessness in her eyes; the complete resolution of the pain she expected to inflict. He knew then. By God, he knew.

He looked away, as he felt his stomach churn and drop. He felt a lump rising in his throat. Never had he felt so out of control of his emotions. He drew back the hand that had been on her arm. He placed both hands on his legs, rubbing them briefly, before clenching the fabric of his trousers. He looked back at her; her expression was overwhelming. So many emotions then; pain; guilt; devastation; hopelessness; all the things he never wanted to see in her.

"It's Potter's," he whispered.

She closed her eyes, bit her lip and nodded, slowly.

"This whole time?"

"Yes."

Severus couldn't speak. It was over; it was over before she told him. But yet, she was right. It was so much worse. This whole time they had been together; every time he had kissed her, had touched her, the evidence that James Potter had done the same had been between them. It sickened him; he felt the bile rise in his stomach.

No. He looked away.

No. His eyes darted around the room.

No. He felt her hand on his arm.

He drew it away; this couldn't be happening. It couldn't be. Not like this.

Everything; any tiny, miniscule hope they ever had was gone. The hope he had had that maybe, just maybe, she would wait for him. That they could be together when this was all over. Their dream, their hope. It was impossible. It was over; finished.

Regulus had kicked it down first.

Lucius had done it second.

James Potter had struck it last; and he was sure he would never get over the devastation of it.

He closed his eyes against the tears he felt. So this was it. This was how it ends.

He felt a soft, warm hand reach out and grasp his, holding on for dear life.

"Sev," she whispered.

He turned to her; the tears were running down her cheeks; she sobbed, "I'm sorry," she choked out, gasping for a breath. He could only stare; her expression was one of defeat; the light in her eyes had gone; the pain, the devastation he was feeling was reflected completely in her. He tightened his hold on her hand and pulled her to him; his arms went around her, holding her tight. She sobbed again, "I'm so sorry…God, Severus, I'm so sorry…" She was struggling for breath as she sobbed and murmured against his shoulder. Things that didn't matter. Things that didn't mean anything.

He reached up, burying his hand in her hair, pressing his face into her neck. He felt his own tears coming but only let a few escape. He was breaking on the inside; that was enough. His heart was dying; his soul.

Because he knew it was over.

He knew that she knew it was over.

This was the end.

Their moment was gone forever.


	28. Interlude IV

Interlude IV

_April 1978_

Lily glanced over at him, as he peered intently into his cauldron, a desk away from her. Feeling her eyes on him, he turned his head slightly and sent a thunderous glare in her direction. She quickly averted her eyes and went back to her own potion.

He had switched potions partners that day. There was no way he was going to continue with the farcical notion of a friendship they had been edging towards. He felt like a complete idiot. He was so close to trusting her again; was so close to giving in to her. He'd been leaving the common room, going to library, going to the lake; all the time he would hope, at the back of his mind, that he would run into her. They'd bicker, of course, as always. But that was normal. And sometimes, occasionally, they would talk. Like when they were in their early years.

To his annoyance the potion he was brewing suddenly turned a deep shade of orange; he hadn't stirred it on time. He swore under his breath. He had only ever once failed a potion's assignment; in their sixth year when he and Lily had argued and spilled an ingredient into their cauldron.

Severus turned furious eyes to his new potions partner; Mulciber, who had no business being in an Advance Potions class; "Why didn't you stir it?"

"What?" the buffoon muttered, with a look of complete bafflement, "I thought you were making it."

"We're supposed to be working together," Severus hissed, "Can't you follow a simple instruction?"

Before he could respond, Severus turned back the potion and attempted what he could to salvage it. He could sense Lily's eyes on him once again. _Bitch. _He wouldn't look at her; he wouldn't give her that satisfaction.

Not when, in approximately ten minutes, she'd be running off to dry hump Potter in the forest. The image, the memory of what he'd witnessed the evening before sickened him. That she would be with _him. _After all that they'd been through; after all the things she'd said. _You're still my friend, Sev. You always will be. _

He shook his head with a humourless smile; he really was a fool.

He tried to focus his full attention on the potion, while Mulciber sat staring at the wall, completely useless. Quickly adding another ingredient, he stirred the potion half a turn clockwise, then a full turn anti-clockwise. He repeated the manoeuvre. No change. He sighed in irritation. A fail.

He risked a glance at her, and saw her hair flip as she quickly turned away from him. He noticed Remus Lupin look over at Lily, curiously, then at him. Severus gave him a hateful scowl before turning back to his desk. He lifted his Advance Potions textbook, the one he'd had since his third year, and began scribbling.

Five minutes later, Slughorn called out, asking them to bottle their potion samples and take them to the front desk. Severus muttered at Mulciber to do it; he wasn't in the mood to go through the humiliating comments that Slughorn would no doubt have. He continued to focus on what he was writing, until he noticed that most of the class had left. He sighed and gathered his books together.

"Sev?"

He paused in his movements for a moment before he scowled and forcefully shoved the textbooks into his bag. He stood, making to leave.

"Severus," Lily grabbed his arm. He glanced around, recognising that they were alone. Once again he'd been stupid enough to put himself in a situation he didn't want to be with her.

"Just fuck off, Evans," he said, his voice venomous, as he snatched his arm back.

"What's going on?" she asked, with a frown and, when he looked at her, he could have sworn she was genuinely confused at his behaviour. He scowled again; furious that she had no idea what was wrong. That she didn't realise; after all this time.

He attempted to shove past her, but she grabbed both his arms, holding him in front of her, back against the desk, "Talk to me!"

"Move," he spat.

Lily's lower lip trembled slightly, before she spoke quietly, "This is about…you heard about us…about James and me. That's what this is about?" he only glared at her; "It is, isn't it?"

"I won't ask you again, Evans," he hissed at her, making to move. Her hands tightened on his arms.

"Please, please, just listen…"

"No."

"Sev, please…"

"Do _not _call me that," he spoke lowly, his eyes dark.

"It doesn't change anything," she said, quickly, "It doesn't change anything with us…"

"Let me go!" he barked, he moved forward, forcefully and she stumbled. He quickly grabbed her hands to stop her from falling, but let go immediately once she was stabilised. She clung to his hands;

"Severus, it doesn't change anything," she said again; and he wondered if she was trying to convince herself rather than him, "How I feel about him has nothing to do with how I feel about you."

"Don't talk to me about that bastard," he spat, "Don't you _dare _talk to me about him; trying to justify this…"

"Justify what?" she said, attempting to sound defiant, but her voice wavered, "I don't owe you any explanations…"

"That's right, you don't," he interrupted, "We are nothing to one another."

"No; no, that's not true…"

"Yes it is. It has been for a long time."

"No…"

"Yes," he hissed at her, his eyes dark, "I absolute despise you, Lily Evans. And I have done for a long time."

"You don't mean that," she shook her head, "I know you don't mean that."

"Yes I do," he said, his tone enough to convince even himself. He yanked his hands free from hers and shoved by her.

"You had your chance, Severus," she snapped.

He froze, his back to her.

"You've had years of chances with me," she went on, her voice hard, "You have no right to be angry with me just because you waited too long to take one."

Severus felt his stomach clench; felt fury and mortification war within him. He turned around, his eyes cold, his voice incensed, "Do not flatter yourself, Evans. I'd sooner be seen dead than with you. I am in no way fooled by your holier than thou attitude."

She raised an eyebrow, "Oh really?"

He met her look evenly.

"I suppose if I were to offer myself to you right now, you would say no."

"Unquestionably."

She looked unconvinced and he clenched a fist, feeling the anger in him build. He wouldn't let her have the satisfaction of knowing he wanted her; that he was just like any other boy in this school.

"Don't let this come between us," she said, suddenly changing tactics. She really was a manipulative bitch. "We were finally good…"

"We were nothing of the sort," he cut her off.

She moved to stand in front of him, "I don't want to lose you."

"You never had me."

With that he turned and strode from the room. He would never go back to that. He would never succumb to her again.

…………….

Author's Note: I think most people have realised by now that this is canon-compliant. At least, to some extent. It acts as a back story for Severus and Lily. I was reluctant to say that it's canon-compliant when I began because (as I've already said to a couple of reviewers) some aspects of the story aren't entirely right in terms of canon (Regulus) so I couldn't put canon-compliant in the summary. It is definitely not an AU, however. I apologise for any upset caused.


	29. Lost Without You I

Chapter Twenty Three

"I'm really glad you and James are giving it another go, Lily," Remus said, as he took a drink from his glass.

Lily forced a smile and shrugged, not offering a verbal response. It had been just over a month since she and Severus had broken up; and she still wasn't over it. She'd informed James two weeks following, at her mother's vehement insistence. He took it as she had expected him to; an excuse to get back together. She had refused at first; she was sure she would never feel the same way about another man again. But he had persisted, even more so than he had been doing previously. Eventually, after more persuasion from her mother, she agreed to give it a try. On the basis that they took it slow.

He had been sweet to her; was far more attentive than he had been before. Had even toned down his immature behaviour; had chosen to spend time with her rather than with Sirius. She started believing that maybe, just maybe, they could make it work. He loved her, she knew. But then she thought of Severus.

She looked down at her stomach; you could only tell she was pregnant when she wasn't dressed. A slight bump; making it all real. Apparently it would get bigger, very quickly in the coming weeks.

"So, have you and James thought of names?" Remus said, tentatively, as if he were looking for conversation.

She forced another smile and shook her head, "No. Not really. I like Marianne for a girl. We haven't really spoken about it."

"I see," he nodded, "And would it be Marianne Evans or Marianne Potter?"

Lily held his look, feeling her resolve waver. She straightened, "The baby will have my name."

He nodded and looked over at the bar, where James and Sirius were standing, waiting to be served, "I was surprised you agreed to come out tonight."

She shrugged, "James insisted that being pregnant didn't mean I should lock myself up in the house."

"True," Remus nodded, "But only if you don't want to."

Lily looked at him with a slight frown.

"Lily," he began, with another quick glance at James, "Did something happen? Something when you and James were apart?"

Lily forced herself to keep her eyes on his, mustering up as sincere a tone as possible, "Not that I'm aware of, Remus. Why?"

He nodded at the ring on her finger, "I've never seen you wear that."

Lily looked down at the ring on her finger; Severus' ring. She swallowed and looked back at him, forcing a smile, "My dad gave it to me. I thought I lost it but I found it again over Christmas."

Remus nodded, slowly, "I see."

She lifted her glass of water and took a gulp, looking around the room. This was a bad idea; she knew Remus had been suspicious of her. She thought back to the last proper conversation they'd had; when she'd as good as said she didn't love James anymore. Now, here she was, carrying his child attempting to make another go of the relationship. She felt a flush of warmth, as the shame washed over her. She didn't want Remus to think badly of her; he was her only friend in this group.

Lily sighed and leaned back on the couch. She could love James again; she could. After all, she had loved him completely just several months before. Had been perfectly happy with him; he was kind to her, she got along with him well enough, he didn't repulse her. They were friends; they could be more. If she couldn't be happy, she could at least be content.

"Another lime water, for the lovely lady," James said, sliding into the spot beside her. He leaned in, kissing her on the cheek. She forced herself to smile, knowing that Remus was watching them intently.

"Thank you," she said, taking it from her.

He put an arm around her, as Sirius took a seat next to Remus.

"Where's Peter this evening?" Lily asked, curiously.

"He'll be along," Sirius said, dismissively. He nodded at her stomach, "You'll soon be needing a new wardrobe. Be like the side of a shed in no time. Should've seen my cousin Andromeda when she was pregnant; like a fucking whale," he grinned at James, "You'll be asking what you got yourself into."

Lily glared at him, in what he assumed was mock offence; it was real. Her dislike with Sirius was bordering on loathing these days; she had finally snapped at him several times over the past week. They put it down to her hormones; he seemed to delight in riling her up.

Anytime she came close to thinking that maybe she and James could make it work; that she could get over the fact that she and Severus could never be together, Sirius would turn up. And remind her just what an idiot James could be when he let himself. She sighed and James squeezed her shoulder, kissing her on the side of the head.

She felt guilty; she knew he cared, that he loved her. It wasn't the same as the way Severus did; it was young, childlike. But it was true. And she felt guilty knowing she could never love him as much as she had loved another; that she may not even be able to match the puppy love he had for her.

But it was _right_. They had the same principles. No one could ever tell them they couldn't be together. They were having a baby; the baby deserved this. Yes; the baby deserved his parents to be together. She didn't hate James; she could live with him. Could be…content with him. It was the right thing to do. To at least give it a try.

She sighed again, turning to look across the other side of the room, as the boys continued their idle chatter. And, to her horror, her eyes met with a pair of very dark, very angry ones at the other side of the room. Severus.

He was sitting with Regulus Black, who also had his eyes trained on her, though took the time to glance at Severus. She bit her lip and tried to apologise with her eyes. He turned away. She lowered her eyes, feeling tears prickle and looked back at the boys before her. Remus was looking at her; suspicion and realisation all at once on his face. She swallowed, uncomfortably, and leaned into James; this was the right thing.

* * *

Regulus looked at him with concern on his face, "You all right?"

"Yes," came the short response.

"You sure?"

"Yes," Severus hissed, furiously, feeling as though he had just been gutted and smashed into the ground.

"I…uh…I thought you and her…" Regulus paused and then didn't bother to continue, instead opting to take a drink.

Severus didn't respond, just looked at the liquid he swirled about in his glass. Why? Why was she back with him? He glanced back over; she was staring at the table, her eyes clouded. Clearly she wasn't happy. Surely she didn't go back to him just because of the pregnancy? Because of a stupid, unborn brat! She was going to throw her life away over some stupid mistake. Merlin, she was a fool. She couldn't do this. She couldn't.

"What's she doing with him?" Regulus asked.

"How should I know?" Severus snapped, "I already told you; we're done."

"I didn't realise you broke up so she could be with him," Regulus shrugged; Severus glared at him, wondering how he had the nerve to even speak about it.

"Either did I."

Regulus looked over at them, giving the finger to his brother when he looked over. Sirius returned the action, before Regulus turned back to Severus, "It just seems weird; you and him aren't exactly similar. Pretty fickle if she could switch between the two of you twice."

Severus struggled to decide between answering or hexing him; eventually he stated, "He gave her a parasite."

Regulus frowned, "What?"

Severus glared at the liquid; "Some people may consider it a blessing," he sneered.

Regulus remained bewildered for a moment, glancing over at the table. At that moment Lily slipped a hand beneath her t-shirt, over her stomach. He looked back at Severus, surprise evident on his face, "She's pregnant?"

Severus didn't answer; instead downing the remainder of his drink.

Regulus looked thoughtful, "Are you sure it isn't yours?"

"Positive," he said, then added "Thank Merlin."

Regulus made a half-hearted attempt to stifle a smirk and nodded; "Well, you're better off without her."

Severus didn't respond. No he wasn't. He was so much worse without her. She had made it that way; why couldn't she have just left well enough alone? Why did she have to force herself on him last year? It was all fine; all was perfect. He was content; he had friends; he was respected; he could bear being alive. Now; now everything seemed pointless. Nothing seemed worth experiencing without her; knowing that he could never be with her again. That he could never hold her. And now; _now _she was back with _him! _How could she do that? How could she go from declaring she loved him, back to that arsehole!

He felt sickened. He stood, "Let's go."

Regulus quickly downed his drink, not bothering to argue, and followed him out of the pub.

* * *

Severus was treading on thin ice when it came to the Dark Lord and his duties as a Death Eater these days. When he'd shown up on Lucius' doorstep that same night he and Lily had ended, Lucius had informed him that he had never told about his betrayal. Despite that, his absences needed to be accounted for; he managed to convince the Dark Lord through the use of far greater occlumency skills than he was usually accustomed to, that his behaviour was due to the recent loss of his mother. The Dark Lord had, of course, been unsympathetic and he had been punished severely. But he had survived; something which would not have been so if the truth had been discovered. He wasn't sure if that was a good thing anymore; he'd rather have it all end.

Consequently, the Dark Lord wanted him to play a more active part in the war. Rather than sending him out on the field, as Severus had at first expected when his master had stated that fact, he wanted to make us of his skills in the Dark Arts instead. And so, he informed him that he wished him to gain employment within Hogwarts School. And spy on Dumbledore from within.

It was a foolish idea; he was sure Dumbledore was aware of his allegiance to the Death Eaters. Despite that, the Dark Lord had insisted. And Severus had wondered if it was really a death sentence that he was being sent on. He wouldn't put it past the old man to kill him instantly.

And the fact that he had no desire whatsoever to return to the hell where his teenage years had played out only pleased the Dark Lord even more. Yes; this was indeed a punishment.

But it was a punishment that could not be avoided.

So here he was in the Hogs Head pub; having gained the information that Dumbledore would be interviewing some woman for the Divination post at the school. He really didn't know what good eavesdropping on the interview would do; but he supposed it could do no harm. Regulus was with him, so as not to appear suspicious by sitting in the place alone. Both wore their cloaks with their hoods up; it would do no good for either of them to be recognised.

"There she is," Regulus said, his voice hushed. The two of them looked over as an unusual looking woman entered the pub; her eyes enormous due to the spectacles she was wearing. Severus almost snorted at her appearance but kept himself composed. He looked back at Regulus and gave a nod; Regulus followed her surreptitiously with his eyes until Aberforth Dumbledore lead her up a staircase.

"They've gone upstairs."

Severus nodded; he kept still for a few minutes, so as not to appear suspicious. Regulus gave a nod, indicating there was no one about. Severus stood and casually, but carefully, made his way towards the bar. With a quick glance, ensuring the coast was clear, he made his way up the staircase. He heard voices down the hallway. He cautiously made his way down to stand at the door, careful not to make a sound.

"And have you any experience in such a position?" he heard Dumbledore ask, "Any experience with children, in particular?"

"Why yes, I…"

Severus rolled his eyes as she twittered on something about her previous work experience. Just as you would at any old interview. What a waste of time this was already proving to be; a risk for no reason. He leaned against the wall, as he continued to listen in.

"And you have a passion for the subject?"

"Oh yes, absolutely. Not many can boast to having the inner eye…"

Severus bit his lip, preventing a scoff from escaping. This was ridiculous. He rolled his eyes, derisively, turning to look at the staircase cautiously, when the woman suddenly gasped:

"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches..." her voice had changed; deep, frightening, almost as if she were suddenly possessed. Severus' head snapped around, as she continued;

"…born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…And…"

"Oi!"

Severus jumped and turned, Aberforth Dumbledore suddenly in front of him, "What the hell you think you're doing up here, boy?"

Severus was too stunned by what he'd just heard to respond when the old man grabbed him by the neck and dragged him downstairs. Within seconds he was thrown out of the pub, into the cold, February night. He stood, dazed.

What had he just heard?

A prophecy?

Of course, prophecies were merely gibberish. Utter nonsense. But, then again, the Dark Lord may not think so. And, maybe, just maybe, it would be enough to satisfy him. After all, the idea that someone was coming, someone with the power to destroy him would be enough to alarm him. He wondered if it was possible; if there really was hope?

There was no chance of him working for Dumbledore now, he knew that. Once his brother had informed him of his eavesdropping, there would be little doubt in the old man's mind what he was. But that didn't matter anymore. The Dark Lord was a paranoid type; if he were to relate it to him, his loyalty would be demonstrated. He need no longer worry about Lucius and Regulus; yes, a prophecy might just work in his favour…

"Severus?" Regulus suddenly appeared. Severus looked at him; "Worth the hassle?"

Severus looked at him then smiled and little and nodded, "Yes. I believe so."

He resolved to tell the Dark Lord immediately.


	30. Lost Without You II

Chapter Twenty Four

Severus shifted when he noticed that Regulus was watching him. The younger boy looked away, back at the occlumency book Lucius had insisted he study. His loyalty was under serious question these days; and, considering that the accusations against his insincerity were not completely unfounded, he knew that he had best improve his mediocre ability in the subject. Severus had volunteered to help him, though had become reluctant when, after a few tries, he managed to break through the barrier into his mind and immediately gauge the boy's deceit.

Severus was doing well these days; a little under a month ago he had revealed an important piece of information to the Dark Lord, which had not yet been made public. Consequently, the accusations and suspicions regarding him had dimmed somewhat. Though he was by no means a favourite; he was merely useful. Like Lucius. Or Bella. Regulus was beginning to think that the Dark Lord saw him as more of a burden than of anything worthy these days. He'd even seemed disappointed when Severus had prevented him from going truly insane due to the effects of the Cruciatus.

He wanted out. He needed to get out.

Regulus glanced back over at Severus, cautiously. He was focusing completely on some potion that he had been asked to produce. Regulus suspected that Severus wanted out just as much as him; he had admitted that the fact that he was a Death Eater was a key issue in the break up of him and his mudblood. And, judging by the even darker attitude of him these days, he knew well enough that he would much rather be locked up somewhere with her.

Instead, he gets to be haunted by the knowledge that she and James Potter will soon be playing house with their newborn. At least, that's what Regulus assumed. It would be a great scandal for Potter not to propose to her; he was a pureblood; there were expectations. Though, Regulus mulled, Evans _was_ just a mudblood; the wizarding community might not make that much of a big deal about it. It's not as if her worth could decrease any further just because she was having a child out of marriage.

Regulus looked over at the windowsill; a picture of a young Eileen Snape sat upon it, smiling down at him. Regulus had heard about her; she'd gotten pregnant young by the son of a very noble pureblood. But the boy had refused to marry her; and she had agreed, according to the rumours. It took less than a week for the news to spread; less than a week before the Prince's sank into the shame of it all. To save face, they had disowned her. Two years later, she had married a muggle. Tobias Snape.

Such a fate wouldn't be so bad on Evans; she was used to muggles. And she could get whatever she wanted; she was manipulative like that. How else would she have persuaded Severus to engage in such a forbidden affair? He was no idiot; he knew the risks. And he wasn't the risk-taking type; not unless success was guaranteed. Maybe that's why he hadn't turned his back yet; why he hadn't tried to run? It would bring on an instant death sentence.

"You don't want to be doing this, do you?"

Severus' hand slowed as he reached an ingredient, but quickly went back to a normal pace; "I beg your pardon?"

Regulus tossed the book aside and stood, making his way into the kitchen, "The cause." He stood in the doorway.

Severus stirred the potion; an awkward few steps; and then paused, looking contemplative. He sighed and looked over at him, "I know very well that you do not, Regulus. It is best that we leave it at that. Your occlumency skills are pitiful; I would like to remind you of that fact."

Regulus kept his eyes on him; wondering if Severus had just admitted that he, too, was disingenuous. He looked down, as Severus went back to his duties.

Regulus knew that Severus had never taken any pleasure in the active conduct of the Death Eaters; he had never spoken eagerly about a raid; had never committed any act unnecessarily. He tended to stand back; let the rest of them do the deeds. No one minded; he was a half-blood, after all. They couldn't rely on his political ideals; just his skills. Regulus knew that Severus knew that; that they counted on him for his worthiness behind the scenes. Beyond the brutal acts. And he preferred it.

How could anyone not prefer it that way?

"Did you know that it would be like this?" Regulus asked, keeping his eyes on the floor.

Severus didn't answer for a moment, keeping his attention focused entirely on the potion before him. It wasn't until Regulus was preparing to pose another question that Severus went on; "I did not." He glanced over at Regulus, "But I was warned."

Regulus nodded slowly; yes, he too had been warned. Lucius' comments had been ambiguous, but the intention with which they were said was clear. He didn't want to sponsor him; he didn't want to bring him into it. But he never went so far as to tell them how it was; how it would really be. That they would be slaves to a man who cared for nothing other than power; power instigated through the domination of purebloods. His followers would not be rewarded; they would be punished for their transgressions and disposed of when their usefulness diminished.

And his was diminishing by the day.

He could not play the part on the field; he could not make an advanced potion; could not invent a spell; heal an ally; influence the Ministry. He could do nothing for the cause; the only thing keeping him alive was his blood status. For, until he acted against him, the Dark Lord would be unwilling to put a pureblood to death.

"If you were warned…why did you join?"

A heavy silence settled over the two of them. That was the bigger question. Why did any of them join, really? To exterminate the half-bloods, the mudbloods, the muggles? To reinforce blood supremacy in a world where said blood was being diluted by the day. They were dying out; the half bloods were becoming the dominant blood type. Was that what caused it?

Certainly not in Severus case.

Severus' voice was quiet but firm, as he told him;

"I wanted them to know that they're wrong."

* * *

Since before he could remember, he had been told he was worthless.

It started with Tobias Snape; his father.

Tobias had hated Cadence. And the feeling was mutual. He was a wizard. A freak; a disgrace. And Tobias had told Severus as a young child, perhaps only two; "You're my son, boy. You won't end up like that bastard."

But he did.

His mother had managed to conceal his magical abilities until he was four. When he had set his father's sleeve on fire as he made to strike his mother. Cadence wasn't there; he couldn't take the fall for him. Severus had received his first beating at the age of four; because of who he was.

His father did not lay a hand on him again for several years; he saved it all up for his stepson. It was when Cadence left, when he was ten, that the beatings started up again.

But by then it didn't matter.

Because by then it didn't matter that his father told him frequently that he was a disgrace; that he was ashamed of him; that he was worthless.

He was a wizard. He wanted to be a wizard. He was so much more than the drunk that was his father. He was going to do great things.

It was a few days before Lily's tenth birthday that Cadence left.

Severus had worshipped him; had loved him and thought that he was loved in return. He and Cadence would sit in his room for hours when he was a boy and talk about the wizarding world; about Hogwarts; about all the amazing things he was about to enter into. Cadence had told him he would be great; that they would love him; that they would be proud to know him.

He had lied.

He knew the day Cadence left; he was filth. His blood was unworthy. He was a mudblood.

The beatings he'd received from his father were nothing to the pain Cadence had inflicted; nothing to the thoughts he'd had in that year leading up to entering that world.

But he resolved to do it; because he assumed there was no way things could get any worse. Even if he was impure; even if he was filth; he had Lily at Hogwarts.

But even as he and Lily talked excitedly about going; even as they stepped upon the Hogwarts Express; he had been terrified. They would hate him. He was unworthy. He shouldn't be at Hogwarts; he should be with the muggles. With the filth.

But every time he looked into those emerald green eyes; every time she smiled; his fear would leave him. Because Lily Evans was not filth; there was no one more worthy. Her blood was not mud. And neither was his. She was pure; and so was he. But only when he was with her.

Because once he was alone, that same deep-rooted terror would grow within him.

The summer that year he had taken a knife and slit open his palm and watched the blood ooze and pour into the kitchen sink. He had watched it closely, until his eyes had slipped closed and he'd fallen into oblivion. He had been searching for any impurities; anything that might make it different from the blood of his mother. He could find nothing.

When Lily had pricked her finger on a rose thorn, he had kissed the blood away. It tasted as blood should; it was not mud.

And the ten year old had thought; I'll show them. We're just like you. We're no different. Our blood is worthy.

But his fears were redundant.

Because from the day he had stepped on the Hogwarts Express, his enemies were not the purebloods. Lucius Malfoy had come to him; had spoken to him. Lucius Malfoy; everyone knew the name. Everyone knew the influence. And he had sought him out and befriended him; and had ensured his fellow Slytherins were aware of his worth.

His enemies had been everyone else.

And so from that day on he sought to keep the Slytherins' good opinion; for, other than Lily, no one else mattered. They did not hex him as he walked down the halls; they did not sneer and mock him for his muggle father; they did not exclude him. They made him feel like he was worth something.

And so he was determined to prove that he was.

And he had. At least, he had proved it to them.

He was a Death Eater. He was respected; his skills were valued, sought.

He had proven it to them. Proved that he was worth something; that he was as intelligent, as skilled as any of them ever were. But they still rejected his blood.

And, though he had succeeding in proving the worth of his mind, of his abilities; he had never felt more worthless. He had never felt more alone; more insignificant and hollow as he did at this moment. Because he had been blinded by it; by his own insecurities, by his own need to prove himself. And, in doing so, had pushed away and alienated the only person who truly mattered to him.

The only person who ever truly accepted him as he was.

And as much as he desperately wanted it; he would never get her back.


	31. Lost Without You III

Chapter Twenty Five

Lily stared at the open, velvet box in her hand; a ring with a diamond stared back at her. She drew in a deep sigh and snapped in shut, staring out over the green garden, over the fence at the road. At nothing; while her mind wandered. Things had been getting better with James. She had managed to push Severus out for a while; had taken him and all their memories and locked them up deep within her mind. Into the darkness where she would never have to think on him again. She had smiled; she had laughed. She had even leaned into James' embraces.

The only thing that would remind her, keep her grounded to her true feelings was the looks Remus would give her as she and James would draw back from a hug, a kiss. When he would leave them alone for a moment. That same, accusing; "I know what you've done" look. Even then she couldn't deny it; she couldn't tell him that what he was thinking was wrong because he had never confronted her about it. He had given her looks; the occasional ambiguous comment. But never once had he asked her or accused her verbally of anything. Meaning the only way she could deny it would be for her to bring it up herself; and to do that would be just as good as admitting what had went on. He was doing it deliberately, she knew; Remus was smart. And so she feigned ignorance and didn't comment.

She gripped the box tighter until she felt a distinct crack; she opened her fist and noticed she had broken it. The top sat lopsided over the ring. She tightened her fist again and looked down. She wondered if she could ever live life truly ever again. Her relationship with Severus had been a lie; a lie based on hope. Her relationship with James was a lie; a lie based on expectation.

She wanted something true.

She had hoped that, maybe, she could have it with James; for there was no way she could have it with Severus. But, God, she wanted it to be him. And that had all came back to her a few days ago; that familiar ache that she got when she thought about him; that choking lump in her throat; that downward spiral of pain and regret. And it hadn't left. She wanted to go to him; to have him hold her. It had been so long; two months since they had seen one another. He had told her to stay away; not to contact him. That it was better that way. She couldn't imagine things being any worse.

And that same guilty feeling accompanied the pain; that whenever James should do anything to prove his love for her she should want to go to another. To lose herself with another.

Because it was the night that he had proposed that all the feelings came back. Not the joy a girlfriend should feel when her beloved asks her to spend the rest of his life with her. Not the surge of delight at the prospect of loving one another until death parts them. No; the second the words had left his lips, Severus had come to mind. The smile he saved only for her; how she'd imagine he would look if it were _him _proposing to her.

And when James' expression faltered she realised she hadn't spoken in a while;

"_Why?"_

_He smirked, "Why? Because I love you, you daft girl."_

_She smiled, weakly, looking at the impressive piece of jewellery held before her. She was silent, desperately trying to push Severus from her mind. "You should be saying yes, Lily" her head was telling her; while her heart screamed "no." _

_James seemed to think further elaboration was in order, "And, you know, like Sirius says, you'll be getting pretty big soon. So it's best we do it now; you know, for the dress and everything. We want you to look good on the big day, right?" _

_How romantic, her heart sneered. She forced a smile._

"_And, uh…"_

"_That's all right," she stopped him; not allowing him to offend or flatter, depending on what tactic he chose next, "I'll have to think about it, James."_

_His expression faltered further but he forced a smile and nodded, "Oh, well, sure. Big decision, I get it." _

_She felt guilty as he shifted about, awkwardly on one knee, and pushed himself up to sit beside her. _

"_Um, here," he held the now-closed box out to her, "Just…just keep it. And; if you don't want it…if you don't want to," he shrugged, looking incredibly vulnerable, as he looked at her lap, "Just give it back if you don't."_

_She swallowed nodded, reaching out to take the box and tuck it into the pocket of her robe. She glanced at him, as he continued to look at her lap. She bit her lip, feeling a further surge of guilt as she took in his crestfallen demeanour. She swallowed again and slid her hand into his; he looked at her at the gesture. She smiled at him and leaned in, kissing him softly. _

Lily closed her eyes as another wave of tears threatened to come over her. He was so good to her; but he was still so childlike. He didn't know the first thing about being a husband; and her? She had no idea what it meant to be a wife; how to be a wife. She was already struggling with the idea that she was soon to become a mother; that soon her life would have to halt so she could look after another. A baby; someone who would be completely dependent on her. How could she look out for, how could she ensure she was giving the best to someone else when she couldn't even take care of herself; when she couldn't even handle her own needs?

Her heart was breaking again; it had never fully healed. But it was slowly dying once again. All the while she was desperately trying to grasp at something; something to keep it alive. She wanted to feel what she had felt with Severus; if she held out James might give it to her. Severus was so much older than James in spirit; soon James would have to catch up; soon his love would have to grow into what Severus had been…

If he had loved her.

She wondered if that was part of her foolish fantasy as well.

No. She refused to think on it. If anything, their feelings had been real. If everything else had been a lie; that had been true. It had to have been.

She closed her eyes. But now she had to move on. She had to. She couldn't spend the rest of her life pining for what could have been; for what she wanted. Because they had taken themselves to that point; she had driven them to that point of pain when it could have all been left alone. When her feelings hadn't had a chance to grow.

Lily opened her fist again, to look down at the small broken box in her hand. She had a chance; a chance to be happy again. She had almost been there; she had let herself believe it was possible.

She heard the door open behind her and closed her eyes in frustration. No doubt her mother had appeared to insist on the propriety of marriage in such situations; that it was her duty to accept the proposal of her baby's father. She'd heard it all weekend; ever since she'd made the mistake of telling her. The two of them hadn't been on good terms lately; her mother had been beyond disappointed. She had been furious; particularly when she found out the baby was of someone whom she'd been separated from for several months. The fact that she had been with James, and then went to Severus made it very clear to Marjorie Evans that her youngest daughter was not the innocent young woman she had thought she'd raised.

Lily glanced out the corner of her eye and was too slow at hiding her surprise when Petunia sat down next to her. Her older sister raised an eyebrow at her. Her older sister had, surprisingly, been quite sympathetic about the pregnancy regarding their mother's reaction. But they still weren't close.

Lily looked back out over the garden when Petunia didn't say anything. The silence wasn't uncomfortable; it was contemplative and she knew it would only be a few moments before her sister spoke.

"You know, I think you're being really selfish," her voice was soft; not accusing or angry. It was merely a statement. But Lily immediately straightened in indignation.

"Well excuse me, I've just recently found out that I'm pregnant," she snapped, "I don't suppose that's a good enough reason to want to think about what's going on with myself."

"It's your pregnancy that's you're being selfish about," Petunia said, her hand unconsciously coming to cover her own rounded stomach, "Once again you're thinking only about yourself."

Lily frowned, "What are you talking about?"

Her older sister gave a small, humourless smile, "I mean that in a few months you're going to have a baby. And it's going to depend on you for everything. And you have a man, a man you were so in love with this time last year, promising to stand by you. To take care of you and your baby; to give you both everything. And you? You're sitting here thinking about some ill-fated romance with the boy down the street."

"You know nothing about what I'm going through!" Lily hissed, feeling so many emotions at once that she could barely tell them apart.

"Of course; it's all about you," Petunia rolled her eyes, "It's all about what Lily wants. What Lily's going through." She looked at her then, "Think about your baby, Lily. Think about the life it needs. It needs a family; not a mother who's going to sit around pining for some scummy guy; who would turn down a marriage proposal from its father when there's no chance of you having a chance with the other guy, anyway?"

"So you think I should marry James, just because I can't have Severus?" Lily said, glaring at her.

"No; I'm saying you should marry your baby's father because the baby deserves it. James could give you both everything. He could keep you safe; keep you happy. If you sit around wishing for Severus for the rest of your life, all you'll be giving this baby is pain, despair and neglect. You'll be telling it that life isn't worth living; that you would rather give up.

"I would never do that to my child," Petunia said, before she stood and walked back into the house.

And, in perfect timing, Lily felt the baby kick. As if in agreement; reminding her that it was alive. That it was counting on her to do the right thing. She swallowed, drawing her knees up towards her chin as far as she could and then leaned her forehead against her knees.

As her life continued to spiral out of her control.

* * *

Severus stared at the piece of parchment in his hands.

You are invited to the wedding of:

Lily Evans and James Potter

At Lyfield Hall on April 21st at 4pm.

R.S.V.P.

It was signed Lily's name; but he knew it wasn't her who had signed it. No; it wasn't that same, messy scribble that was normally her handwriting. She hadn't sent the heinous invitation; Severus had a fair idea of who had. _Bastard. _He closed a fist, crumpling the parchment in his hand and then threw it against the wall, before grasping it into a fist instantly and slammed it down onto the table. The wood cracked beneath his fist.

He was tempted to go; to march out of his house and up to her door. To burst in and demand what she was doing; _how_could she be doing this? They had been apart barely two months and now she was going to marry _him?_No! Even she was not so fickle; not so awful as to do that. To rip his heart from his chest twice.

This couldn't be about _it. _About that awful brat! It wasn't even born yet and already it was ruining her! He scowled at nothing; how he wished he could kill Potter. Slowly. For ruining her life this way. She deserved some much more; she _was _so much more. And he would lock her away in his big posh house; impregnate her with mini-Potters; keep her from the world, from her dreams.

From_his _dreams.

Because deep down he had hoped; couldn't stop hoping that she would come back to him.

But not now.

She had chosen _him_. She had settled for him; for the baby. For a mediocre life as the wife of some bastard who had no idea how lucky he was to have her; how special she was.

And yet he knew that it was better that way. Because at least if she was with him, she would be safe. She could be happy. She was no longer subject to the agonizing love that they had shared; no longer had to live in fear, in desperation, in hope.

It sickened him; but James Potter could give him something that Severus never could. He could give her that simple, cheery life that he, himself, had dreamed of as a child. Could give her the, "Honey, I'm home from work" moment; would sit down to dinner with her and talk about taxes and what school to send their children to; would read their kids to sleep; would do the dishes at night with her.

The simple life.

One free of pain; free of complication. She could be happy. She would be happy.

Severus sunk down onto the chair; he wanted that for her. Wanted her to have someone who could make her happy.

He just wished it could have been him.


	32. Lost Without You IV

Chapter Twenty Six

An engagement party was the last thing Lily could have possibly wanted. And she wondered that James wanted one at all seeing as the arrangements for the wedding had been so rushed and the date was set to take place within the next few weeks; his stag night wasn't so long a wait. Of course it was Sirius' idea; any excuse for a party. The fact that the bride was five months pregnant was of no concern to any of the boys; who'd been sure to invite almost everyone of their acquaintance. A Death Eater raid's dream.

Lily sighed as she sipped on the lime water she was drinking; all she ever drank when she went out these days. Despite her current state, the boys weren't keen to switch from their usual pub activities; Alice wasn't keen on going out at all since she'd fallen pregnant as her sense of smell had heightened so much she couldn't get through an evening without needing to vomit; Mary was currently off on her honeymoon. Her other friends were older, married. She hardly knew any other women who weren't married these days; it seemed their boyfriend's were eager to snap them up under the threat that any day could be their last. But then, even that was more appealing than her current situation.

She looked over at James, who smiled back at her. She gave him a small smile but it wavered when she noticed Remus walked purposely towards her from the other side of the room. She immediately stood, the growing bump making it slightly awkward, and made to head out the room. She knew that look in his eyes; and there was no way she wanted the forthcoming conversation to be overheard.

Remus caught up with her, "I need to talk to you."

"I know," she said, not looking at him as she pushed open the door. The two of them headed down the hall of James' home, into the deserted parlor at the far side of the house.

Lily touched a hand to her wand, casting a silencing charm over the room, before Remus had the chance to speak.

"I don't know what you think you're doing, Lily," Remus was talking softly, but his eyes were hard, "But you must see that you can't go through with this wedding."

Lily swallowed, but straightened and kept her eyes on him, speaking firmly, "And why can't I, Remus?"

"You know why," Remus said, speaking in a hard tone she wasn't aware he had the ability to possess, "You're making a huge mistake. You can't marry James if you're in love with someone else."

Lily reflexively broke eye contact and then cursed herself for the give away. She looked back at him and shook her head, "You don't know what you're talking about."

Remus pointed to the ring on her finger; the one on her right hand, "Severus Snape gave you that ring."

"No he didn't."

"I saw him buy it."

Lily's resolved manner wavered as she glanced down at the ring. She wore two now; Severus' on one hand; James' on the other.

"I can't believe you're even still wearing it!" Remus' voice barely concealed his disgust, "Is it over?"

"Of course it's over," Lily whispered, closing her eyes, feeling the build up of tears.

"It had better be!" Remus said, angrily, "James is my best friend; and you're using him."

Lily snapped her head up, looking at him, angrily, "I do care about James."

"No; no you don't. If you did you wouldn't be doing this; wouldn't let him think you love him. He loves you so much Lily; you have no idea. And the whole time you were apart you were…" he looked away in disgust, "Merlin, why _him _of all people? Is it because of what I told you? Because you wanted to punish him?"

"No," Lily said, glaring at him, "It has nothing to do with you. Why can't I love them both? Why should I have to choose?"

"You should have already chosen by now," he snapped, "You say you're marring James; you've having his baby for Merlin's sake! And you go around wearing that!" He eyed the ring.

Lily swallowed, "This is about the ring? It's all about the ring is it?" she could feel herself losing control, all her pent up emotions since she'd agreed to the marriage trying to break free. She roughly pulled the ring from her finger and tossed it to the floor. It rolled under the table.

"Is that better?" she choked out, before drawing in a calming breath and speaking lowly, "Does that make _you _feel better, Remus?" A tear escaped and slipped down her cheek.

Remus looked at her, his expression only slightly sympathetic, "You shouldn't be doing this. I see it in your eyes, Lily. You love him; not James, Severus."

"I'm doing what I have to do," Lily said, quietly.

Remus shook his head, "Don't. It's not fair to any of you."

"It's fair to our baby," she said, staring at his shoes, "It _is_ fair to us all. We can be happy Remus; I loved James. I care about him; I…I will love him, again. I know I will."

Remus shook his head, "No. You can't."

Lily looked at him, her eyes dark, "Then _you _tell him, Remus. _You _tell James what I did."

Remus held her look before he turned away.

"Of course you wouldn't," she shook her head, "You think I'm weak, Remus? That you can break me; but you'd never risk saying anything they don't want to hear, would you?"

Remus looked back at her, "This isn't about me. This is about you; _you_ playing with someone else's emotions. Using someone else to make your own situation more comfortable; because you're too scared to be alone. I never thought of you to be manipulative; to be so deceitful. I always thought you were honest; just. But no; in the end, the only thing that matters is you…"

"Stop it!" Lily suddenly screamed at him, "Stop it!" She struck out, smacking him across the face and he fell back against the table, looking startled. She sobbed as she looked at him and brought her hands to her face, "Stop it," she whispered, "I just want it to stop."

She sobbed quietly into her hands. She heard Remus push himself from the table. A few moments later she felt Remus' hands on her arms, rubbing them gently, and then he pulled her to him. She grasped his shirt as she cried into his chest. He stroked her hair gently, "Lily," he spoke quietly, but he said nothing more. She assumed he had no idea what to say; that is was okay? No; because it could never be okay.

She held tight to his shirt, drawing in a trembling breath, her voice barely above a whisper when she spoke, "You have no…you have no idea, Remus. I…you're wrong. You…you're so wrong…"

She felt him stroke her hair again, gently, "Tell me."

She closed her eyes, feeling the tears come to her again, "I…I'm not doing this...for me…it's…" her voice caught and she coughed, "It's for the baby…I…for the baby…I need to think about it…and…and James…I…I do care about him…really…I promise…I do…I do care…" she was talking quickly, desperately.

"Shh," he hushed her.

The tears continued to fall as she pressed her face into his chest, "This is best for everyone, Remus…"

"You really believe that, Lily?"

"Yes," she whispered, because it was half-true; she wanted to believe it. She had worked so hard over the past few days to convince herself of it. Petunia was right; she had to think about more than herself. More than what she wanted.

"Lily," Remus said, his voice firmer now. He put his hands on her arms and pulled her back from him slightly so she was forced to look up at him, "Do you mean it? You really want to make it work?"

Lily nodded, her tears subsiding as the same, resolute manner she had forced herself to portray slowly came over her again, "Yes."

He kept his eyes on her for a moment before he nodded slowly, "Okay…okay; if you mean it. I won't stand in your way if you really want this, Lily;" he kept his eyes on hers, "You're sure?"

She bit her lip, keeping her eyes on his. She nodded again, slowly this time, "I'm sure."

"It's really over with Severus?"

"Yes," she fought the sudden wave of despair that came over her at his name, "Yes; it's really over."

Remus nodded, "Okay." He squeezed her arms gently and gave her a small smile.

She smiled back at him, a little sadly, and lifted her wand, "Here, let me get that," she nodded at his swollen cheek, which was sure to bruise if something wasn't done. He turned his head as she waved her wand over it; Severus had taught her it when they were at Hogwarts. When he had appeared at their meeting place, bruises on his face and arms weren't rare and he had eventually taught her the spell he used to heal them; for a while he would let her deal with them. Until they became distant.

"Never thought you could punch like that," Remus' voice interrupted her thoughts.

She grinned proudly at him; her first real smile in a long while.

* * *

Severus looked over at Narcissa; she was relatively big now. No one could look at her and not realise that she was pregnant. He was happy for them; Lucius seemed to have a generally lighter air about him, not quite as stern as he usually was. Narcissa was blatantly happy and anticipating the birth of their first. Yes; he was happy for them. But every moment he spent in their company; every time he looked at her; every time they mentioned something about their impending parenthood, he was reminded of all that was wrong with his own life.

Bloody babies.

He sighed and took a long drag from the cigarette Regulus had given him, while Narcissa babbled on about something regarding her recent check up.

"It's a boy," Narcissa finally stated, with a smile.

"Excellent!" Regulus said, his eyes gleaming. He looked at Severus with a grin, "Think of all we can teach him."

Severus eyed Regulus sceptically.

"I know stuff!" Regulus said; his tone was joking, but Severus saw a definite darkening in his eyes. He frowned a little and nodded.

"Of course you do. I did not say anything to contradict that."

Regulus looked a little sheepish at the serious response but looked back at his cousin with a smile, "What are you going to call it?"

"Demetrius," Lucius said, immediately.

Severus scoffed, slightly, but quickly coughed to conceal his amusement. Regulus, on the other hand, was not so reserved.

"_Demetrius_!" he laughed, "Are you insane? You can't call him that!"

"Demetrius is a long standing family name of the Malfoys'," Lucius said, glaring at him.

"Maybe you should stick with the Blacks," Regulus said, boldly, with a smirk in Narcissa's direction. Severus noticed her smirk slightly before she shook her head.

"We aren't completely sure," Narcissa said, reaching for Lucius' hand, "We're still thinking on it."

"Well think hard," Regulus said, scrunching up his nose, "Because if you call it Demetrius Malfoy, it's going to get beaten up daily."

Lucius sent a withering look in his direction but said nothing; clearly he had been trying to convince Narcissa to use the name. And Regulus had successfully nipped out any hope he had of doing so with his response to it.

Severus regularly took refuge at the Malfoys these days; or, occasionally, he would go out to the pubs with Regulus. Anything so that he wasn't sitting about in his house hoping that Lily would come by. He couldn't help himself; anytime he was alone he would think of her. Think of what could have been. And he would become angry; furious after a while, when he considered that soon she would be completely lost to him. Soon she would swear undying love and devoted to James Potter; that bastard. Of all the undeserving men in the world, she had to pick him!

He_hated _that man. He beyond hated him; despised, loathed, abhorred; there were no words to possibly describe how much he hated that man and his spawn.

The remainder of the evening passed uneventfully and, eventually, just before midnight he and Regulus took their leave when it became clear that Narcissa was struggling to remain awake.

"So," Regulus addressed Severus as the headed towards the gates, "How are you doing?"

"Fine."

"I…uh…I heard about the wedding," Regulus said, tentatively, "It's next week, right?"

"Yes," he responded, tersely.

Regulus nodded and Severus didn't bother asking him how he knew about it.

"Listen, let's go out on Friday. Not this one, but next."

"What for?"

"Well, it's been a while since we did," Regulus said.

"I'm not in the mood."

"You never are," Regulus pointed out, "Come on."

Severus sighed. He knew what the boy was doing; the Friday was the night before Lily's wedding. The boy was always fussing! Funny, he was so determined the two of them should break up; now that they had he was constantly hovering around him ensuring he was coping with it. It was like his mother's death all over again. And yet, looking at the concern in the boy's face, Severus couldn't help but feel touched by it. That someone actually cared; that someone actually knew that he was struggling. Because, really, he couldn't ever deal with the fact that Lily was with someone else. The pain of it would never leave him.

He sighed and shrugged, "Whatever."

* * *

_Sev,_

_I know we agreed not to contact each other. But I have to see you. I have to_

Lily abruptly stopped writing and scrunched up the paper in her hands, tossing it into the waste bin. She dropped her face into her hands. She had to see him. She _had _to. She looked over at the other side of the room, where her white wedding dress hung waiting to be worn. She and her mother had collected it today; she had had to try it on, of course.

It was always at the most unexpected times that Severus came to mind. When she was doing something with no relevance to him at all; like brushing her teeth at night; walking into the store to buy a packet of cigarettes; when James would caress her arm. And, today, it had been when she'd looked at herself in the mirror; the white dress fitting perfectly, beautifully. Something had to fit, she supposed.

She reached up, tugging the chain that was carefully tucked away beneath her t-shirt. On the end of the chain hung Severus' ring. She couldn't throw it away; after the guests had left the party she had rushed back to the parlour and crawled beneath the table, desperate to find it. It only took a few moments for her to do so and she had conjured a chain from her hair clasp and worn it around her neck ever since.

She needed something; something to remember. A reminder of what they had had. The ring was that for her; it was all she had of them. She hadn't even thought to get a picture of them together at Christmas. All she had were memories; memories she was terrified would fade as she kept pushing them to the back of her mind.

She had only seven more days before she would be married to James. Seven short days. She still wasn't looking forward to it. She wasn't dreading it as much as before; but she couldn't help the pain she felt as the day came closer. The pain that would increase as the days went by. Closer and closer.

Severus must know by now, she was sure.

She was desperate for him to understand; desperate to explain herself. The idea that he was angry with her; that he hated her again like he did before was unbearable. And every time she thought on it she would write; beginning in the same way she had just a few moments ago. And then she would stop; because she knew that, if she were to send it, if she were to go to him, that it would be selfish. Because she wanted him to love her; she wanted him to carry on loving her like she did him. Even though it would be so much better for him to hate her; to be glad he was rid of her.

She dropped her face into her hands again. It would be so much easier if they hated each other.


	33. Lost Without You V

Chapter Twenty Seven

Severus was completely and utterly miserable.

Glancing across at his companion, he could see that Regulus was feeling the same way; though the boy quickly forced a smile when he noticed Severus looking at him. Severus was sure that he regretted asking him out that evening; he obviously underestimated just how dreary the evening would be. What with Regulus eager to partake in some exciting activity or another; while Severus would like to throw himself off the nearest bridge. He sighed and shook his head.

The week had been long; drawn out. Awful. Twice he had found himself at the end of Lily's street. Once he had written a note; which he had promptly burned in the sink.

He glanced over at the clock that hung over the bar. Half past midnight. In less than twenty four hours Lily would be his wife; _Potter's_ wife. He scowled at the table. The very idea, the very thought…He shook his head; she couldn't do this. She was so much better than that!

The evening had passed uneventfully; Regulus had started by dragging him from one night club to another until they finally settled down into the pub they were in now. He had been eager; talkative. With only a slight use of legilimency Severus quickly confirmed his earlier suspicions; that the boy was concerned. And that he was attempting to keep his mind off of Lily's impending doom. Severus looked over at Regulus, who was staring uninterestedly over at the bar, his boredom apparent. He felt a pang of guilt that he had made so little effort that evening; and was uncomfortable by the fact that the boy was obviously putting himself through the insufferable dullness for his sake.

"How is life treating you, then, Regulus?" he offered as way of conversation.

Regulus head snapped back to look at him and he gave a broad grin, "Fantastically."

Severus raised an eyebrow, wondering if he was serious, "No elaboration?"

He noticed Regulus' expression waver slightly and frowned. There was something not quite right about the boy these days; though he had been making a better attempt at concealing it, the signs had not gone unnoticed by Severus.

Regulus shrugged, "There's not much to tell, really. Got a girl on the go, I suppose." He looked slightly tentative at the statement.

Severus raised an eyebrow and smirked, noticing his companion visibly relax at the response, "I see. And are things going well?"

"I'm not planning on marrying her or anything," Regulus scoffed, "I'm just screwing her."

"Charming," Severus rolled his eyes, taking a drink.

Regulus began to say something but then stopped, seeming to think better of it.

"I do not need you walking on eggshells around me, Regulus," Severus said, exasperatedly, "Believe it or not; the mere mention of women isn't going to send me crumbling into a heap of depression."

Regulus gave a sheepish grin and shrugged, "I thought you would be more likely to kill me, actually."

"Tempting," Severus smirked in response.

Regulus rolled his eyes, smirking also.

At that moment there was a disturbance at the entrance to the building before Sirius Black stumbled through the door, laughing loudly, immediately followed closely by Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, both of whom looked relatively drunk. James Potter followed, along with several other men Severus recognised; McKinnon; Longbottom; Prewet. Black, Potter and Prewet had their arms around one another's necks, singing some ridiculously jolly song as the group made their way to the bar.

"Do you want to go?" Regulus asked, sounding anxious.

Severus' kept glaring eyes on the group and shook his head, slowly, "No." He could feel his pent up rage boiling close to the surface; all the pain, the fury, the heartbreak readily pushing against his self-control.

"Severus?"

He tore his eyes from the group, turning to a nervous looking Regulus. He realised the boy must have asked him something, because there was expectation present in his expression also; "What? Regulus, I told you; stop treating me like a hysterical woman!" he hissed at him.

Regulus was looking at him as if he _were_ a hysterical woman; he glanced over at the crowd. Severus looked over also; at the same moment as Remus Lupin turned from his friends with a smile. Severus noticed his smile fade somewhat as their eyes met. He seemed to grow a little paler; as he cast a glance at Potter and Black. Severus scoffed, inwardly; as if he couldn't defend himself against those imbeciles!

"Just think about what you're doing before you actually do anything," Regulus said, lowly, "You don't want more people finding out."

_Oh, I don't know, I wouldn't mind Potter finding out. _He thought, spitefully. He wished so much to walked over there and tell him; what his little angel had been up to when they had been apart. The things they had done together. That she had loved him. That she would still be with him if she had the choice; because she would, Severus told himself. If only this and that; if only so many things. But she wouldn't be with that bastard; no!

"Calm down!" Regulus hissed at him.

Severus looked at Regulus, who was looking at his hand. Severus noticed that he had been holding his glass so tightly that cracks had appeared up one of the sides. He placed the glass on the table and forced himself to draw in a calming breath.

"Look, let's just go," Regulus said, more insistent this time. Too late though.

"Well, if it isn't my baby brother!" Black called, drunkenly stumbling towards them. Severus stood up, immediately, as he approached; Regulus reluctantly did the same.

"Get to fuck, Sirius," Regulus glared at him.

"Oooft, hard words for a little kid," Black shook his head.

"I'm not a kid!" Regulus snapped, his hand going to his wand.

Black smirked at him then turned him attention to Severus with a sneer, "Didn't know you started hanging around with filth. Better watch he doesn't…"

"Snivellus!" Potter appeared at Sirius side, with a mock smile, "How wonderful to see you!"

"Prongs," Lupin was attempting to pull him back. Severus looked at him curiously; the werewolf seemed worried. More so than usual; he cast an anxious look towards him, almost pleading. A slow smirk spread over his face when he realised why Lupin was so concerned; he knew. Severus kept the smirk as he held Lupin's eye.

"Will we be seeing you tomorrow, Snivellus? Big day, you know," Black said. Severus turned dark eyes on his, noticing the malicious gleam in the bastards eye; the smirk tugging at his lips. His hand twitched, wanting to reach for his wand.

"Sirius!" Lupin snapped, "Let's go."

"No no," Black waved a hand at him, drunkenly, "We shouldn't _exclude _dear Snape from our festivities. No doubt he has some words for the groom," he laughed, "Or maybe even the bride?"

"Stop it!" Lupin said, angrily, growing paler.

Potter joined in next; some rubbish about greasy hair or big noses. Something about Lily; the new Mrs Potter. How dare he talk about Lily!

Severus could feel his blood boil when Potter looked at him with a triumphant grin; as Sirius carried on talking. Regulus was saying something; so was Lupin; both trying to pacify the situation.

Severus' eyes bore into James. _Oh, you keep smiling, you bastard. I'll fucking send you're arse to Australia. _Here was the reason for his troubles; the reason for the hell he was going through. This bastard had taunted him until he and Lily turned on one another; had taken her from him; slept with her; gotten her pregnant with his child; and then he had the nerve to take her back from him and marry her. No; no! She was his! And he was hers! She wanted him; not this arsehole!

His hand twitched and reflexively lifted his wand.

Potter was fast; as if expecting it. And within a second two curses were sent; blocking one another out as they met in the middle.

Black sprang to action, sending another curse. Regulus blocked it, as Lupin stepped back. And then all hell broke loose, as he and Potter; Regulus and Black sent curse after curse at one another; the bar becoming aglow with flashing lights. The bar staff yelled; people hurried over to stop them.

_Sectumsempra! _A long cut appeared on James' face, stopping him momentarily. But the second curse missed, as Black quickly came to his friend's defence. Before any further attacks could be made, Severus and Black were seized around the arms and dragged from the room. Potter was grabbed next, as he made to lift his wand. Someone went to grab Regulus but he lifted an arm in defeat and walked out after them.

"Get out, you bunch of bloody hooligans!" the man holding Black said, as they were thrown out into the street. The door slammed shut behind them. Black quickly lifted his wand, ready to continue the conflict; Potter only stood, looking irritated. Severus held his wand, ready for Black's attack, but made no move to continue. It was Potter he wanted. The three of them stood, staring one another out, until the door burst open and Regulus stepped out, followed closely by Lupin, Pettigrew and the rest of Potter's lot.

Regulus immediately stepped beside him, grabbing his arm without stopping, "Come on."

Severus kept his eyes on them, as they left; only turning away when they turned the corner. Severus was vaguely aware of Regulus grabbing his arm and then the two of them dissapparated.

A few moments later they were in his back garden at Spinners End. Severus glared at the house. There were so many memories in it now; so many memories he wanted to forget. He sighed and made his way around the house towards the door, Regulus close behind.

"Feel better?"

Severus shook his head; he hadn't hit Potter with nearly enough curses to make himself feel better.

"That was brilliant," Regulus laughed, "Potter's going to have a big scar across his face in his wedding pictures."

Severus smirked a little and shook his head again. No; Lily would take care of it. Maybe not before the ceremony; but by the time of the pictures she would have healed it up nicely.

Regulus stopped suddenly; Severus did the same, puzzled. He looked over at where Regulus was looking; Lily was sitting on his doorstep.

She stood quickly, albeit awkwardly, when she saw them. She kept her eyes on Regulus; looking alarmed and frightened. Of course, she didn't realise he knew about them.

Severus swallowed; not believing he was really seeing her. Tonight; of all nights.

"Evans," Regulus said, coldly.

"Black," she returned, her voice not betraying the fear her eyes were showing.

Regulus held eye contact with her for a moment, before looking at him, "Got this?"

Severus nodded, keeping his eyes on Lily. Regulus sent a cold glare in Lily direction before he turned and headed back down the garden to disapparate.

The two of them just stood staring at each other for a moment.

"Lil…" his voice caught and he hated himself for how weak his voice sounded. He cleared his throat, "What are you doing here, Lily?"

"I needed to see you."

"Why?"

"You must have heard by now. About…" she averted her eyes, looking down at the hands, "About the wedding."

"Oh yes," he replied, softly, "Yes, the invitation made that very clear."

Her head snapped up, her brow furrowed, "Invitation? I didn't send…"

"Of course you didn't," he interrupted her, his eyes cold, "It must have been the gem of a husband you've caught for yourself." His voice was cold and he noticed her expression fall further.

"Please…please, you have to understand…"

"No," he hissed at her, "No; I don't have to understand."

A light switching on in the house behind them startled them both. The looked at it, as a figure moved around behind the curtain.

"Can we go inside?" Lily asked, quietly.

"No," he shook his head, walking down the path. It took a moment for Lily to follow him; their feet taking them down the street. Towards the river.

"What was Black saying about James?" she asked, quietly, sounding tentative.

Severus didn't look at her, "There was an incident this evening."

"Incident?" she looked at him, with a frown.

"Yes," he said, coldly.

She swallowed, "You…you didn't…"

"He's fine," he snapped, angrily. He felt a tightening in his stomach; that she cared about what happened to that bastard. He closed his eyes, then glanced over at her out the corner of his eyes. There was no disguising that she was pregnant; there was a definite bump where the child lay. He looked away in disgust.

"It's cold, isn't it?" she whispered.

He looked back at her, noticing she was wearing only a light jacket. He frowned and shrugged off his outer robe, holding it out to her. She shook her head, holding up a hand slightly.

"Take it," he growled.

She looked up at him then, her eyes were full and he felt that horrible feeling in his stomach increase; that clenching of his throat. She let out a trembling breath and took it from him, drawing it around her shoulders. He cast a warming charm on her, hoping to warm her further, and did the same to himself, feeling the chill of the night hit him.

He didn't understand why he wasn't angrier; the last few weeks it was all he had felt. He had been furious; had wanted to break down her door, scream at her for what she was doing. But now, now that she was here, he felt only pain. Unbelievable, undeniable aching in his heart.

They walked in silence, the streets deserted. He wondered why she came; why she had bothered. It was certainly too late for them now. Far too late. And yet, here she was.

"It's late, Lily," he said, "Were you waiting long?"

She shrugged, not looking at him.

"You shouldn't be out so late," he scolded her, "Not in your condition."

She looked at him, her eyes glistening beneath the streetlights and gave him a small, sad smile. He swallowed, wanting to reach for her. He pushed his hands into his pockets instead. The continued on in silence, neither awkward nor completely comfortable, until they reached the river.

He stopped; she carried on, walking over to sit beneath the tree. He didn't want to sit under the tree; he didn't want to associate this memory with those of his childhood. But she cast an expectant look at him as she sunk to the grass, her back against the trunk. He sighed and walked over, standing in front of her. Not a foot above her head was the inscription she had written when they were only eleven years old;

Sev and Lily

Best Friends Forever.

Nine years ago…so much had happened in those years. He couldn't believe all that they'd been through since that day. Their foolish, childish hopes. Naïve dreams. No idea of the agony that was to come. He turned and sank down onto the ground next to her.

The two of them stared out over the river, neither of them saying a word.

Lily drew in a quiet breath, "I miss you."

He closed his eyes.

"So much," she whispered, "I…I know I shouldn't have come. I just…"

He looked at her when she stopped. She bit her lip, her eyes full as she studied his face.

"Why did you come?"

She closed her eyes and looked down at his hand, speaking quietly, "Because…because I…I need you to know why. And…and because I wanted…" she looked up at him, her voice shaking; "I wanted to say goodbye."

Severus felt the air leave his lungs as he looked away from her, feeling the tears comes to his eyes. His stomach was tight, churning, and he thought he was going to be sick.

"Why?" he looked at her, everything about him cold, "Why are you doing this to me?"

Her brow furrowed, "What do you mean?"

"Why are you doing this to me?" he shouted, feeling his composure breaking, "Do you want to…why? Why, Lily?"

She was shaking her head, slowly, "I…I don't…"

He turned away with a scowl; having no idea what to say to her. Was she trying to break him? To destroy him completely? As if what had already happened wasn't enough.

Her hand found his, tentatively touching against it. He swallowed, not giving any indication of him noticing. After a few seconds his hand was clasped tightly with hers, their fingers intertwined. She squeezed, lightly.

"Severus," she whispered, "Look at me." He kept his eyes on the river, "Please, Sev."

He closed his eyes for a second, then turned his head to look at her.

She held his look for a second, before she whispered; "I love you."

He looked away, pulling his hand from hers. He could feel his self-control breaking, evaporating; he wanted to cry; to scream; to hit something. He wanted to go to sleep and never wake up; this was a nightmare. He felt a tear slip down his cheek and furiously wiped it away, turning his head as far from her as he could.

Did she delight in hurting him? In seeing him in pain?

"Please, you have to believe me, Sev," she said, quietly.

He turned around, his voice and eyes hard, "Then why are you marrying _him?_" he spat, "Why?"

She bit her lip and shook her head, "I have to."

"What?" he uttered, disbelievingly, "What do you mean you _have _to? Have you lost your fucking mind?!" He stood up, "I mean…for fuck's sake, Lily; use you're brain for once!"

Lily awkwardly got to her feet, "I do have to, Sev. For the baby; I need to do this for the baby."

"What…you're going to throw your life away over this thing?" he spat, waving his hand dismissively at her swollen stomach, "Merlin; Lily, you're so much better than that!"

"Severus…"

"No!" he barked, "No! You could be so much more than James Potter's wife!"

She shook her head, "Listen…"

"No!" he snapped, his voice loud. He couldn't remember ever raising his voice to her, "Do you even love him Lily? You sit there telling me you love me; yet in a few hours you about to go and throw your lot in with that bastard?! Throw your life away over a fucking brat?!"

"Stop it!" she shouted, tears slipping down her cheeks.

"No!" he shouted, "No! Why? Give me a reason; a good reason why you should marry him!"

"He's the baby's father…"

"Try again."

"Severus…"

"Try again!" he shouted at her, his hands in fists, shaking.

"Severus please!" she cried, shaking her head.

"What, he's got money, right?" he went on, "That's what this is about; you're saying you're doing this for the baby. Am I right? You want to give it a rich daddy; so you can spoil it; give it everything. Sell yourself off like a common whore!"

He was stunned into silence when her palm hit the side of his face with a force he didn't know she possessed. But before he had time to recover from it, his face was in her hands and her lips were on his; kissing him desperately. His hands grasped her waist, his own response as desperate as hers; his hands clinging to the robe that covered her. Desperate for this; wanting her more than anything. He needed her. She was everything he ever wanted; ever needed. He couldn't lose her.

She sobbed against his lips, pushing herself closer to him.

He never wanted to let go.

And then he became very aware of the bump between them, pressing against him. He released her, stepping back in disgust. She raised her hands to her face, covering it, as she attempted to compose herself. He felt his own tears threaten to fall; he turned as some escaped and wiped them away before she had the chance to see them.

"Severus," she whispered, slowly lowering her hands from her face, "I do love you. You know I do." She paused, looking at him, searchingly, as if wanting to make sure he did, before she went on; "But…but you and I have no chance. We both know that…you said so yourself."

"I'm not asking you to be with me," he said, his voice husky with emotion, "I know you can never be with me. I'm telling you to do what's best for you; what you deserve. You deserve so much more than he can give you, Lily."

She shook her head, smiling sadly, "You always thought more of me than I am, Sev."

He shook his head, "No; that's not true."

"Yes," she whispered, "It is. But…I have to do this, Severus."

"No," he shook his head, "You don't."

"Please," she said, stepping towards him, "Please, Severus…I want to give my baby a good life. I want to give it the life I had…I…I can't do that alone. And…and James…"

Severus looked away in disgust. She stopped, seeming to decide not to follow through with what she was saying. She reached out, taking his hand again, squeezing it gently, "No matter what happens, Severus, I will always love you."

He looked at her and shook his head, "I don't believe you, Lily."

Lily swallowed and nodded, slowly, "I suppose I deserve that." She stepped closer, reaching up to brush the hair back from his face, "But…please; I need you to know that, Severus. Because it's the truth," she looked into his eyes, willing him to read her, to see that she meant it; "Always, Sev. There's nothing that could ever happen that would make me stop loving you."

He closed his eyes and shook his head; he wanted desperately to believe it. Wanted desperately for her words to be true. But how could he? When her actions so clearly contradicted her words. But then he thought of Hogwarts; how he cared for her; how he had loved her even then. And yet he had associated with those who discriminated against her; those who wanted her dead. He swallowed, looking down into her eyes.

"Sev," she whispered, her eyes filling once again, "No one…no one has ever made me feel the way you do."

He released a breath he didn't know he'd been holding, looking away for a moment. She touched his face, willing him to look back at her.

"The way you touch me; the way you look at me," she bit her lip, as a tear slipped down her cheek, "No one ever looks at me the way you do. And…and I need you, Sev. But…but I'm not a little girl anymore. We…we're not kids who can only care about what we want." She looked down, taking his other hand, so both were clasped in hers, "I really screwed up…"

"We both did," he said, quietly.

She nodded, sadly, "And now…now we're paying for it."

He shook his head, "No, Lily…no, you're so much better than this. You don't have to settle."

She smiled and shook her head, "I'm not; and I do."

Severus swallowed, knowing there was nothing he could say to change her mind. Instead he stood there; looking into her eyes, holding her hands in his. Knowing he may never see her again; this could be the last time. Tomorrow she would be lost to him forever.

"I'll take you home," he said, quietly, after several long moments. She held his look for a moment until he turned; she kept a hold of one of his hands and the two made to walk back.

They walked in silence, their hands clasped tightly together. Too soon they had reached her doorstep. He reluctantly released her hand as they turned to face one another. She kept her head downwards, staring at his shoes. He kept his eyes on her; a war going on inside him. He wanted her to be happy; he wanted her to have the life she deserved; he was sure James Potter wouldn't be able to give her that; but he also knew Potter was more likely to give her it that he was; he could give her nothing; he _was _nothing.

"Lily," he whispered.

She looked up at him, her eyes red.

He swallowed, drinking in her features; wanting to remember everything about her. Every detail; take them in now while he could.

"I hope you'll be very happy," he said, quietly. Her eyes filled and he made to walk by her. She grabbed his arm before he could; their eyes met for a moment. And then she was up against him once again, her hands on his neck, her lips on his; kissing him tenderly, lovingly this time. Kissing him goodbye. He slipped his arms around her, drawing her close, kissing her softly in return; pouring every emotion he had into the kiss. He felt her tears on his cheeks, and wondered if his own were there too.

After a few moments he slowly drew back. He kept his face close to hers; she opened her eyes, looking at him with an expression he couldn't read. He swallowed, speaking quietly; "Goodbye, Lily."

He felt her hand grasp at his, but he refused to stop. He had to get away. She said nothing as he brushed past her, walking down the path. Away from her; his heart breaking once again. _Goodbye, Lily._


	34. Lost Without You VI

Chapter Twenty Eight

On April 21st the sun shone high, while the temperature remained cold.

Lily stared into the mirror: her dress was beautiful; Alice had done her hair perfectly; the make up was faultless; the pearls Mrs Potter had given her were lovely. And yet, she just felt cold. As if her soul had died and all that was left was this person she didn't know, staring back at her. Dressed up into the ideal bride. 

She swallowed hard, her eyes falling on Severus' ring, still on the chain, lying on the dressing table. She couldn't wear it; not today, that she knew.

The night before hadn't gone as she had planned. She had went to his home at eleven that night and remained until he returned just before one. She had to see him; it had been her last chance. She hadn't been able to do as she had hoped; she hadn't been able to explain. At least, not in a way that he would understand. And yet, the way he had looked at her at the end of the night, when he had wished her happiness; she wondered if she needed to. He seemed to already know; to have seen the reason himself. 

And then she had kissed him; again. Bittersweet; like licking chocolate from a razorblade. The goodbye she both wanted and dreaded having to say. And then ran upstairs and cried herself to sleep. 

She had thought it would have left her looking awful the next day. 

However, rather than looking the ghastly state she had expected, she had looked better than she had in months. As if what had happened was what she had needed. Just seeing him, talking to him, kissing him, crying over him; it had released a burden she had carried since they day she had told him she was pregnant. Perhaps it was the knowledge that he didn't hate her for what she was doing that did it. 

There was a knock at the door. 

She drew in a deep breath and called out, "Come in."

Remus pushed open the door, smiling at her as he walked in. He closed the door behind himself and crossed his arms, looking at her for a moment, "You look good, Lily."

She smiled, shyly and looked over her shoulder at him, "Thanks." She lifted up her hairclip that was on the table, holding it out to him, "Could you help me with this? I can't see where it's going properly."

He nodded and walked over, taking the clip from her, "They're almost ready for you."

She nodded, looking down at her hands. She looked back up at him behind her in the mirror, and noticed he was blushing as his hands nervously poked around at her hair. She smirked a little and looked back down. She felt his hands freeze. She lifted her head, brow furrowed, to look at him in the mirror; his eyes were focused on something on the table. She followed his gaze; her eyes landing on Severus' ring. She swallowed and closed her eyes. 

Remus finally went back to what he was doing, no longer in the embarrassed way he had been before. He was almost rough with her as he pushed the clip into its place. He stepped back from her, turning away, "They'll be waiting for you now."

"Remus…"

"I'll see you downstairs," he said, opening the door and walking out.

Lily watched after him, the guilt raging inside her once again. She closed her eyes for a moment before she looked back at her reflection; feeling the tears prickling her eyes. She blinked them away and sighed; before drawing a deep breath through her nose. She would be happy today. It was her wedding day. The beginning of the rest of her life; apparently.

�

* * *

�

Severus had watched from the end of the street as Lily made her way from her house to the car. Leaving forever. He had no idea where she would be after this day. He hadn't asked her where she would live once she had left her mother's home.

She had looked beautiful; had stopped and spoken to her mother in the middle of the path. The two had smiled, both looking teary eyed, and then her mother had pulled her into a hug.

Lily had looked in his direction then, over her mother's shoulder. But she didn't see him; he had been watching from behind a neighbour's hedge and easily moved back when he sensed her look towards him. When he looked back over, she was climbing into the car. 

Someone who had seen him at that moment, however, was Remus Lupin. The two of them held one another's look; the werewolf had an expression on his face that he couldn't quite interpret. It was almost like pity; and the thought had infuriated him. How dare that half-breed feel pity for him! And he had turned, storming off back to Spinners End as the car drove off in the other direction; both going their separate ways.

�

* * *

�

Other than the shock of seeing James with a long gash across the side of his face as she walked down the isle, the ceremony had gone smoothly. Smiling had not even been difficult; the look of delight that sparked up in James' eyes as she walked towards him, the cheeky smile he had given her as she slipped into place beside him made it all seem good; right. She did love that cheeky smile of his. 

Remus had said nothing to her; only giving her a small kiss on the cheek as he, Sirius and Peter had left the hall. She wondered at his silence; if it would remain that way or if another confrontation was at hand. It was just a ring, for God's sake. There was nothing wrong with wanting memories, she told herself. James slipped an arm around her and she turned to him, smiling. She frowned, reaching her fingertips up to the gash, "Here, let me get that for you."

James willingly turned his head as she lifted her wand to his face. She mumbled the charm Severus had taught her several years ago; after a few minutes she frowned when she noticed that it was taking much longer to heal than a usual injury; "How did this happen?"

"Sn…" James stopped himself, "I slipped."

Lily raised an eyebrow, "Slipped?"

"Yes," he said, "Me and Sirius were mucking about last night; we were pretty drunk." Had she not already been informed of some of the details the previous night, the tone of his response would have been very convincing. She felt uneasy, wondering what other lies he had managed to slip by her.

"This was not caused by an accident," she said, lowering her wand, "Magic did this. What was it? Sectumsempra? I can't counter sectumsempra, James." She had no doubt that's what it had been; Severus' reputation for his favouring of that particular curse was well known within the Order.

"Nevermind, then," he waved a hand, slipping his arm around her waist once again, "Just a little incident last night. Drunks, you know."

She frowned but said nothing, and forced a smile as the photographer suddenly appeared.

"You can smile better than that," James pressed his lips against her ear, and she felt his teasing smile. She smiled genuinely in response as the camera flashed. 

"I love you," James whispered against her ear. She sighed and turned to look at him; she leaned up, kissing him softly, before she took his hand and tugged him to the awaiting car; she had insisted on muggle transportation rather than the broom James had been eager to use.

And so the day passed by; most of it a complete blur. She danced with James first, then with Sirius, then Remus, who had made small talk with her as he led her around the floor; until the music picked up and she and her friends had taken to the dance floor. 

All was going well; it wasn't the disaster she had expected. 

Until just after eight o clock that night; when the distinct pop of apparitions made themselves apparent. And, before anyone had had the time to react, a curse was sent across the room and Mary MacDonald collapsed to the floor; dead. 

Death Eaters.

Everyone sprang to action, as curses and hexes were shot across the room; not even at particular targets. At anyone they could find. People fell around them. 

"Lily!" Remus had grabbed her arm, "Get out of here. Go with Alice." He pushed her towards her friend, who grabbed her arm and pulled her through the crowd. She held her wand high, defending herself against any curses that came her way. She shot several out herself; one Death Eater fell. She couldn't help but wondered if it might have been Severus.

Chaos surrounded them, as screams and shouts filled the hall; lights flashing with the curses as people pushed passed; some towards the attackers, some outside, some disapparating on the spot. Lily and Alice turned a corner and stopped dead when they came face to face with someone in Death Eater robes. The person lifted their wand but did nothing.

Lily frowned, "What…"

"Are you going or what?" the person behind the mask snapped; and Lily recognised the voice as Regulus Black's from the night before. She didn't wait to question him; instead she grabbed Alice, who was also looking at the masked figure in confusion, and pulled her away from him, before the two of them dissapparated to Godric's Hollow. 

Not long afterwards, Sirius appeared, supporting a mildly injured James. 

It was the third time she and James had escaped a direct attack from Voldemort.

……………

Author's Note: Apologies for the shortness of this chapter; it was originally at the end of the previous chapter however that one was very long even without this section so I gave it a chapter of its own. 


	35. Interlude V

Interlude V

_September 1976_

"I mean, Lupin has gotten pretty hot over the summer, don't you think?" Mary said, quietly, in her ear as they made their way towards a desk in the middle of the room. Lily smirked and glanced over at Remus who was sitting at the other side of the room; he looked the same as always to her. 

"I suppose," she said with a shrug as she hoisted herself up onto a stool, "I don't really think of Remus in that way."

"Well, I do," Mary said, staring over at him. At that moment Remus looked over at them; he smiled at Lily and waved a little. Lily smiled in return, while Mary quickly turned her attention to looking through her bag. 

At that moment Severus swept past her desk, her piece of parchment almost being swept off the table along with him as he did so. He didn't even glance at her as he made his way to the front of the class, slipping onto a stool at a desk by himself. She forced herself to look away from him; feeling anger and pain war within her. She had not spoken to him since their OWLs; that night outside the Gryffindor common room and she was determined that she would never speak to him again; despite how much she had missed him that summer. 

"All right, settle down," Slughorn appeared and made his way to the front of the class, "Welcome to Advance Potions; I'm sure you are all well aware of the demands of this class and I'm sure you are all very capable of meeting them." He turned to face them; he glanced around the class, nodding slowly, mumbling something under his breath as he did so.

"I see a definite division between Houses in this class," he suddenly said, "I was aware of this; as such I have decided to take it upon myself to assign you all your potion partners for the year."

There was an immediate grumbling of disapproval amongst the students, which continued while Slughorn went on. He lifted a piece of parchment, "Mary MacDonald and Eric Zabini; you two are to work together; William Avery and Gerald Prewet; Evang…" he stopped, looking up from the list, "Please, make your way to your partners. Where you sit is of no concern." With louder grumbles, those whose names had been called began motioning at one another to come to them.

Mary turned a scowling face at her and Lily smiled, sympathetically, as Zabini, also scowling, made his way towards them. Lily slid from her stood, lifting her bag from the floor, to allow him to sit.

"…Potter; Lily Evans and Severus Snape; Remus…"

Lily's head snapped towards her professor at that; what? No! She looked over at Severus, who was scribbling in his potions textbook, acting as if he had no idea what had just been said. She shook her head; absolutely not! No! She couldn't believe it! Of all the people she could have been partnered with, it had to be him!

"Miss Evans? Perhaps you would like to make your way to the front of the class," Professor Slughorn said, raising his eyes from the parchment to look at her, "As you see, there is no one currently occupying the seat next to Mr Snape."

"She doesn't want to work with him," James Potter suddenly said, "She wants to work with me! Have pity, Professor, she'll get covered in grease if she sits too close to him."

Lily turned and scowled at him; arrogant prick! She stormed to the front of the class, dropping her bag unceremoniously at her feet and pulled herself up onto the stool. She pulled it forward, so that it scraped along the floor with a screech. Severus didn't look up from his textbook. 

"Ten points from Gryffindor for that comment, Mr Potter," Slughorn said, as he dropped the parchment onto his desk, "Now; today we'll be beginning with Veritaserum…" he continued, explaining the page of the textbook, where to get the various ingredients and so on.

All the while Severus refused to acknowledge her. She frowned, feeling more than a little put out by his behaviour. She barely paid attention as Slughorn continued with the instructions. She was the one who was supposed to be angry; he had completely humiliated her earlier that year; had called her a 'mudblood' of all things! After the things he had said as a boy; he wasn't a racist. She had known it; thought it. He was always so assertive that blood superiority meant nothing; that everyone was as capable as anyone else. And yet, he spent his time with potential Death Eaters, called her that name; if he'd called her it she had no doubt that he'd referred to other muggleborns in the same fashion.

The scraping of stools over the floor alerted her to the fact that they had been dismissed to begin the potion. She looked over at Severus, who was scribbling things next to the Veritaserum page of his textbook. She peered over at it for a second, before finally breaking the silence; "I can get the ingred…"

"I will get them," he snapped, stopping his writing abruptly and slipped off his stool, to make his way down to the cupboard. She watched after him with a confused from.

"Alright, Lily?" Remus asked, as he walked up beside her, his own ingredients held in his hands.

She forced a smile and nodded, "Fine; how was your summer?"

"Not too bad. Spent most of it at Godric's Hollow with James, Sirius and Peter."

"Sounds like fun."

"Yeah, it was," he nodded, "How was yours?"

_Awful._"Great. I didn't do all that much. Just family bonding, you know." _If Petunia's bitchy comments and her mother's miserable aloofness counted as such._

He nodded, beginning to answer her when Severus appeared.

"I suggest you request another partner if you plan on standing around babbling all day, Evans," he said, coldly, as he placed the ingredients on the table.

Remus gave her a slightly baffled look before nodding and heading to his own desk.

Lily looked at Severus with a frown, "What's put you in such charming mood?"

He glanced at her out the corner of his eyes; his expression was hard and cold. But he said nothing and went about preparing the ingredients; "Make yourself useful," he snapped after a few moments.

"Excuse me?" she straightened, indignantly, "I'm not your servant."

"You're right; you're my potions partner; meaning you should be getting to work without me having to tell you," he sneered at her, "Or has you stupidity grown in the past couple of months?"

"Fuck you," she snapped. 

"Language, Miss Evans," Slughorn said, appearing as if from nowhere, "I'm afraid I'll have to take five points from Gryffindor for that slip of the tongue." He gave her a wink before he continued on by them. 

Lily shuddered slightly but said nothing, preparing the cauldron.

Other than the occasional barking of orders or statements about what should be done next, Severus said very little to her throughout the lesson. Not a mention of what had transpired between them earlier that year; no affectionate looks; nothing. It was almost as if they were strangers; antagonistic strangers. As if he were just any other Slytherin and she any other Gryffindor. 

And for the remainder of the week it remained the same. That's how long it took for her to understand; that's how long it took for her to want him back.

But his attitude remained the same. Glaring daggers at her when she dared to say anything that didn't relate to the potion at hand; snapping at her for not paying attention or making mistakes; ignoring her at all other times. 

The boy she had known was gone.

She wanted him back. 


	36. Destiny Comes a Knocking I

Chapter Twenty Nine

As spring faded into summer, Severus heard nothing from Lily; and she nothing from him. While the blossoms on the trees and the flowers in the gardens bloomed bright, his life descended further into darkness; as he sought his escape through burying himself deeper into the fold. Voldemort's requests became more demanding; mere days given to produce certain potions. The war became more violent, as the Ministry began permitting the use of Unforgivables among the Aurors and the Order members. 

Several of his closer acquaintances had fallen; Mulciber; Avery. Lucius had barely escaped the Avada Kedavra in a recent raid, as Regulus had told him. Barty Crouch Junior had suffered the Cruciatus almost to the point of insanity under the torture of the insane Auror, Moody, before Rodolphus Lestrange had come to his aid. And the fate of many captured Death Eaters were often the same; or worse. Severus wondered at the Auror; his methods were almost as brutal as that of the Dark Lord himself. 

Death Eaters loved ones would be found dead in retaliation to the killing of those of the Order members. Order members turning, selling their souls to save the lives of their families. Death Eaters trying to flee, to defect and being caught and killed within days of doing so. 

The line between good and evil was blurring more and more as the days went by, as he kept the new Mrs Potter from his mind and watched as his friends tried desperately to seek comfort and escape where they could; Lucius with Narcissa and the new baby; and Regulus with the numerous women he had on the go.

Two weeks ago he had read the news in the paper; 

Harry James Potter, born July thirty-first at nine forty, to proud parents, James Potter and Lily Evans Potter. 

So the brat was born. And Lily, _his _Lily, was playing happy families with it and Potter.

He sighed and shook his head, forcing himself to focus on the potion he was working on. He had two more days to prepare it, and it needed at least twenty-four hours to brew before it could be used. He did not anticipate another round of the Cruciatus at the hand of the Dark Lord; or Regulus, as their master had seemed to like commanding recently, due to tardiness. 

There was a firm knock at the door and the fact that it was immediately opened afterwards alerted him to the fact that it was Regulus; the expectation proved right when the boy appeared at the door, "Alright."

"Regulus," he nodded his head, though he kept his attention on the potion, "I am very busy; was there something you wanted?"

"Broken arm," Regulus said.

Severus looked over and, sure enough, the boy's right arm was twisted awkwardly as it was held up, supported by the other arm. He nodded towards the couch, "Sit down; I'll get it in a minute."

"Thanks," he said, making his way over to the couch, "Pretty rough tonight."

"I can imagine," Severus said, as he began to stir the potion, "Losses?"

"No Death Eaters fell, pretty bad injuries though," Regulus sat down, slowly, no doubt trying to keep from moving his arm too much, "A couple of werewolves were killed."

"Pity."

Regulus gave a small laugh in response; but it came out as more of a groan when his arm was wobbled by his movement. Severus finished stirring the potion as quickly as he could without sabotaging it before he finally left it and walked over to sit next to him on the couch. Regulus immediately held his arm out, not waiting to be asked.

Severus gently took his arm in one hand, as he lifted his wand, beginning to mumble the corrective spell he had invented. It was more an alteration of the typical correction spell of broken bones; but he found it more efficient, as once the spell was cast the bones became harder to break a second time. 

"Couldn't someone else have done this?" Severus asked, as he continued to perform the spell, "It is dangerous for you to wait too long to have this injury corrected; particularly if you have nothing to support it. You should not have apparated here."

"Lucius isn't all that great at it," Regulus said, "And it's my wand arm; I need it done right."

A few moments later the injury had been corrected. Regulus gave him a grateful smile as he flexed his arm, making sure it was moving correctly, "Thanks, Sev."

Severus tensed a little but nodded, eying him, "Anymore injuries?"

Regulus shook his head, "Not really. Just scrapes; they like using the Cruciatus now that it's been legalised."

"Yes, I noticed the last time I was out," Severus said, tucking his wand away.

There was a silence for a moment; but Severus was aware that the boy was preparing to either ask him something or bring up some topic of conversation that was on his mind. He leaned back on the couch, trying to make himself seem more approachable. He really was no good at such things. 

"Listen," Regulus began; Severus turned his head to look at him, expectantly, "I was wondering…is there anyway that a wizard can…I don't know, prevent death? I mean, his own death. Is it possible to make yourself immortal?"

Severus frowned, completely baffled by the question. He certainly wasn't expecting that. Did the boy plan to make himself immortal and then try to take on the Dark Lord himself? 

"Uh…I do not…"

"Not for me," Regulus said, quickly, "I…I was just wondering. I was curious."

Severus held his look for a moment, attempting to read the boy's mind. To his utter surprise, he found himself immediately blocked from doing so. His brow furrowed, further, "You're occlumency skills have greatly improved."

Regulus looked a little startled at the statement then relaxed and looked away, "I worked harder on it after…after I found out about you and…" he looked at him then, not going on. He didn't need to, because both of them knew very well what he was referring to.

Severus wanted to thank him; but didn't. Instead he held the boy's look for a further moment. He was glad the boy's occlumency skills had improved; it made his situation far more stable. Severus and Lucius had often been concerned over him; both were aware of the boy's unsteadiness regarding his loyalty to the Dark Lord and both often wondered how long he would last among them. If the Dark Lord were to see even the slightest hint of disloyalty he would be killed without a second thought.

"Well?" Regulus pressed on, with a strange sort of determination, bringing Severus from his thoughts. 

Severus' eyes focused back on him and, after a moment, he stood and walked over to one of the shelves that held a number of books. He stood there for a moment, his eyes skimming over the titles until they finally rested on the one he was searching for. He pulled it from the shelf;

_The Darkest Art: Horcruxes and their Creation._

He looked over at Regulus for a moment, hesitantly, for some reason something held him back. When the boy raised his eyebrows expectantly, as he attempted to catch a glimpse of the book, Severus pushed his doubts from his mind and walked over; he held the book out to him.

Regulus took it from him, gazing at the cover eagerly. 

Severus' brow furrowed, "Listen, Regulus."

The boy looked up at him.

"I am not aware of your reason for asking," he began, his tone deadly serious, "But I would advise against using this magic; no matter what the cause. It is not…"

"Don't worry," Regulus waved his hand, dismissively, carefully pushing the book under his arm as he stood, "I told you; I'm just curious."

Severus kept his eyes on him, knowing well enough that it was not curiosity that brought about the issue. At least, not entirely. There was something bigger going on but, unless the boy admitted to it or Severus forcibly entered his mind (if he could even do that), he would be unable to. Instead he nodded, "Very well. I assume that you are leaving?" he took note of the boy's eager glance at the door.

"Oh, yes," Regulus nodded, "I have to get back. My parents had my Aunt and Uncle over this evening, and I've already missed too much of their visit. They'll probably already be gone but…"

Severus nodded, standing, "I shall see you again soon, then."

"Yeah," Regulus nodded, "We'll go out. I'll owl you later this week." He made his way towards the kitchen, smiling back over his shoulder, "Not taking 'no' for an answer; the Dark Lord has had you working constantly for the past few weeks; it's about time you took a break."

Severus felt the side of his lip twitch but he didn't smile. He just nodded goodbye and made his way back to the potion; though his mind remained on what had just transpired between himself and Regulus. He couldn't help the feeling that something wasn't right.

* * *

"Come on then, Little Dragon," Regulus grinned, lifting Draco above his head, before pulling him down in a swooping motion.

"Regulus, be careful," Lucius snapped from the couch.

Severus smirked, watching as Regulus muttered an apology and then continued to lift the baby high above his head; moving him about the room as if he were flying. The baby gurgled before it was suddenly sick.

"Regulus!" Lucius snapped again, angrier this time, standing up, "Give him to me. Dobby!" The idiotic elf Narcissa insisted on keeping appeared instantly and cleaned up the mess the infant had made.

Regulus handed the baby over to its father, obviously with much reluctance. Severus really didn't understand the boy's attachment to the child; it was just a lump that made unnecessary noises, cried and vomited every now and again. Not to mention when it dirtied its nappy; the smell was just awful. He couldn't believe something so small could create something so awful!

Lucius returned to the couch, where Narcissa was also sitting. She smiled as he sat down, Draco in his arms, and reached over to caress her son's head.

"How are you both doing with him?" Regulus asked, though the question was directed more towards Narcissa.

She smiled, "It has been trying at times," she looked over at the baby, her smile warming further, "But it is all worth it."

Regulus looked at him with a grin, "I can't wait to have kids."

Severus raised an eyebrow, looking at him as if he were insane. He couldn't imagine Regulus Black being a father; he was still a child himself.

"It'd be great, being a dad. Don't you think?"

"No," Severus said, bluntly, unconsciously eying the infant on Lucius' lap.

Lucius laughed but said nothing. Narcissa smiled and lifted Draco from Lucius' arms, "You just haven't had any experience with children, that is all." She walked over to him, carrying the infant threateningly towards him. Severus shifted, uncomfortably, knowing well enough what she was about to do. Before he'd managed to muster up a protest, the infant was placed in his arms. 

Severus eyed it, his discomforted increasing. The baby raised its eyes to his face; the tiny child taking in his features. After a couple of moments it suddenly smiled up at him and reached up, grabbing his nose. Severus frowned, immediately jerked his head back from its offending fingers, as Regulus burst into laughter. 

Severus looked back down at the infant, who continued to smile up at him. It gargled, reaching up both hands this time and pressing them to his cheek; they pressed firmly, as if he was trying to make his lips form a smile. And, before he realised, Severus smiled back down at the infant and it gave a small cooing sound.

"See," Narcissa said, smilingly, from the couch. 

Severus' looked over at her, his smile fading but the mirth in his expression would not be diminished no matter how hard he tried. So he looked back down at the infant; which didn't laugh at him for his enjoyment.

"Lucius, what's this?" Narcissa said, after a moment.

Severus looked over at the question. She was holding up some old book; without a title. It seemed like a journal or something.

"Oh," Lucius looked suddenly uncomfortable, as he gently pried it from her fingers, "That is just something I have to keep a hold of for a while."

"An empty notebook?" Narcissa said, with an amused smirk.

"Yes," Lucius said, and Severus easily sensed his discomfort. He looked over at Regulus, who was eying the object with a frown. Severus also frowned, mostly because of Regulus' expression, as Lucius stood and left the room, the book held tightly in his hand. 

Before anything further could be said, the baby in his arms suddenly screamed and burst into tears; startling Severus so much that he almost dropped it. Narcissa stood and walked over, smirking a little at Severus' reaction, "Don't worry. It's nothing personal, I assure you, Severus. It's time for his feeding."

Severus looked even more uncomfortable at that and willingly held the baby out towards her. She smiled warmly at him and lifted the baby into her arms; "I'll be back in a little while. You two just make yourselves at home; Lucius will probably be back at any moment."

Severus nodded, as Regulus said something in response and she left the room.

Severus looked at Regulus with a frown, but the boy avoided his eyes, and once again he was left with the distinct impression that something wasn't right. 

* * *

Lily ran her hands through her hair, squeezing her eyes shut as tears once again threatened to fall. All the while the baby continued to scream in his crib; nothing she did would pacify him. She felt frustration, exhaustion and irritation war within her; each of them wanting to express themselves. 

"Harry, please," she whispered, "What do you want?" She reached down, lifting him into her arms again as he continued to cry. She sat down on the chair, for the fourth time that hour, and pulled down her shirt, holding him close to her exposed breast, "Are you hungry?" He turned his head away again; as he had done all the other times she had offered it to him. She sobbed and shook her head, holding the baby close as it continued to scream.

"Please, Harry, stop," she sobbed. 

At that moment the door opened and James and Sirius stepped in from the cold outdoors.

"Merlin, what's gotten into him?" Sirius smirked, glancing at the baby, "We could hear him halfway down the street!"

She stood up, her eyes blazing instantly, "Where have you been? You were supposed to be home hours ago!"

"Sorry," James said, sheepishly, walked over to her, "We met up with Frank and Fabian; hit the pub after the raid."

"You should have been here!" she snapped, her voice catching. She thrust Harry into his arms, as he continued to scream, "Take him."

She turned glaring eyes at Sirius, "James is busy tonight."

Sirius looked startled at being addressed with such hostility but then nodded, "Uh, yeah…I was just about to head off."

Lily looked away, guilt added to the long list of emotions she was trying to deal with. It seemed that guilt followed her around constantly these days. She heard Sirius mumbling something to James before he gave her a smile and a nod, then left the house.

"You didn't have to be such a bitch to him, Lily," James said, angrily, gently bouncing Harry in his arms; the infant continued to scream.

"I've been stuck here all day!" Lily snapped, "I told you I had to go to the shop. We have no food James! I'm fucking starving!"

"Why didn't you just take Harry with you?"

"What? When he's like that!" 

James looked down at him, "Come on, kid. What's up?" He lifted the baby, looking at his face, "Maybe there's something wrong..."

"There's nothing wrong," Lily interrupted him, tears once again welling up, "I had the medi-wizard in this afternoon; _again! _It's just colic, he said."

"Didn't you give him that muggle thing?" James asked, looking around for the dummy her mother had provided.

"He won't take it," Lily said, her voice irritated, reaching up to cover her face with her hands.

"Look, it's not my fault, alright!" James snapped, becoming angry himself, "I'm sick of you getting on at me every time I walk through the door!"

"And I'm sick of you leaving at seven in the morning and not coming home until midnight!" she shouted, her voice high pitched, almost screaming at him as she dropped her hands from her face.

"What; I can't go out with my friends now?"

"Do I get to go out with mine?" 

James shook his head, "Look, this is your job. You're his mum. I still work for the Order. I need a time out every once and a while…"

Lily felt her fury increase, "_You _need a time out! _I _need a time out! You haven't spent a single day with your son since he was born…"

"I work!"

"Fuck you!" she snapped, "What I'm doing _is_work!"

Harry screamed louder and she shook her head, tears once again falling down her cheeks. She turned and headed towards the stairs.

"I'm going for a bath," she said, quietly, "You can watch him for an hour at least, can't you?" She didn't wait for him to respond, as she made her way up the stairs; Harry's cries following every step she took.


	37. Destiny Comes a Knocking II

Chapter Thirty

Regulus had not read a book from start to finish in years. He had not even finished reading the Occlumency Book that Severus had given him the previous year. And yet, he had been determined to read the book that had been given to him several weeks ago; the book on Horcruxes, despite the dryness of the narrative. And, with each sitting that he managed to squeeze in among his other duties, he had become more and more worried with the implications. If his suspicions were true; if the Dark Lord was, of even had already, creating a horcrux, then the Wizarding World was doomed. 

The ramifications of such an instance were terrible; that he would be immortal. That they would be stuck with him; for eternity! The thought absolutely horrified him; he had hoped the lunatic would be dead by the time he settled down. He did not want his children to grow up in a world ruled by the sadistic bastard. 

He closed the book; having skimmed through it several times since he had completed reading it. He had no idea what to do; if he should confide in anyone. Lucius was a definite no. Severus was the obvious choice; but then, Severus was rising rapidly among the Death Eaters these days. He may no longer want to leave the fold; if he had in the first place. Regulus had assumed that he would leave at the first chance he got; now that he had nothing to leave for, now that his mudblood had been snapped up, he wasn't sure if the status he had gained within the Dark Lord's ranks were enough to make him want to stay. 

He did not want to risk asking him. Severus would, no doubt, be very angry with him for attempting to defy the Dark Lord, even if he _was_disingenuous. He had lost count of the number of warnings he had received from him; warning him to lay low, to comply and survive rather than make a hopeless attempt to get out. For the past couple of months they had watched friends, acquaintances try; every one of them came back dead. Not one person had managed to successfully defect.

And it seemed that no one ever would. Not if the Dark Lord was impossible to defeat; not if he was immortal. He stood, a sudden, unexplainable feeling over hopelessness and despair falling upon him, as his mind attempted to take it all in. There was no escape; not for anyone. You serve the Dark Lord or you die; until he finally gets what he wants. Even then, the killing, the suffering would never stop; the way he treated his Death Eaters was the finest of examples of this. All would be subject to his whims, to his decisions, his callous rule. 

That was why he was there. Standing at the gates of Hogwarts School; of course his access was denied. But he was determined. No doubt word would get back to the headmaster quite soon; and then he would have his chance.

The cracking of wood, a branch being snapped, caused him to whip around. Albus Dumbledore stood before him; his expression hard.

Regulus gripped his wand tight, anxiously. This man could kill him with a wave of his wand if he chose to. 

"Professor Dumbledore," Regulus straightened up, making himself seem more confident. 

Dumbledore only held his look; a definite cold distrust and disgust in the old man's eyes. 

"I have information for you," Regulus went on, a little confused at the reception. He did not expect him to remain silent; perhaps he would have tried to disarm him? Attack him? 

"The word of a Death Eater means very little to me," Dumbledore finally spoke, his tone laced with disgust.

Regulus swallowed, his eyes narrowing, "I suggest you take it. Because what I am willing to tell you could be of great value to you." He tried his best to speak the way Severus would; the way Lucius would address the older man. With a cool self-assurance.

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows at him, "I think not."

Regulus immediately felt irritation well up inside him; how dare he be spoken to so dismissively. The man had no idea what he had to offer.

"Are you interested or not?" he snapped, not bothering to keep up with the act he had been trying.

"I shall have to hear what you have to say before I make that judgement."

Regulus was thoughtful, as he looked at the old man; "What will you give me in return?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"The information I have is very valuable. I expect something in return." A reprieve; an escape; get him out of the hell he was living. Dumbledore looked at him closely; Regulus quickly jammed up his occlumency barriers. Dumbledore's expression hardened further.

"Your Master will sooner declare defeat, than I would be foolish enough to make a deal with one of his followers," Dumbledore said, coldly.

Regulus glared daggers at the old man. He turned on his heel and stormed a few steps away. Very well; if that was how the old man was going to be. He did not have to stand for such disrespect; nor would he go through the humiliation of working with Dumbledore if he were to receive such treatment on a regular basis. He would do it alone; if need be. He dissapparated back to Grimmauld Place; he would find a way. 

* * *

Lily was jolted awake as Harry's screams once again broke into her dreams. She felt awful; weak; as if she couldn't move. She glanced towards the clock on the mantelpiece; she had only been asleep for five minutes! She closed her eyes, letting her head fall back against the couch; God, she was going insane. She squeezed her eyes shut as Harry's screams worsened. He had just been fed; had fallen asleep afterwards. And she had very nearly rejoiced that he was _finally_silent and tried to catch some sleep herself. She felt the tears prickling up again; she glanced back at the clock. It was just after six and James wasn't home again. 

She raised trembling hands to her face, burying her face in her hands. After a moment she stood and slowly walked to the crib, where the baby was crying. He barely acknowledged her as she came into view; she stared down at him, feeling drained, exhausted. She was so, so tired. Harry's screams increased and she cast a silencing charm over the house; not wanting to have to deal with the humiliating looks of sympathy the neighbours would cast at her as she walked down the street. Those knowing looks; the looks that judged her, that said she was too young to know how to take care of a baby. 

She drew in a trembling breath and lifted Harry into her arms; his cries lessened for merely a moment before they resumed once again. She reached down, grabbing his dummy from the crib, "Here," she gently touched it to his lips, "Harry, take this." She successfully managed to get it into his mouth. He sucked on it for a few seconds before crying again, the object falling to the floor.

She shook her head, feeling that familiar helplessness and desperation that had clung to her heart for weeks now, whispering, "God, stop it, Harry." She felt around his nappy; dry. She lowered him into the crib as he continued to cry and then walked away from him into the kitchen. Her head was throbbing. She grabbed the painkillers her mother had given her from the counter, tossing two into her mouth carelessly and washing them down with a glass of water she haphazardly poured for herself.

Her hands shook as she lowered the half-empty glass to the counter; Harry's screams continuing on. She squeezed her eyes shut again; wouldn't she catch a break? It was as if she was being punished for what she had done those months before.

She turned and looked at the crib; could see Harry through the bars. Crying for no reason. _Why _was he crying? As if what she'd done so far hadn't been enough for him. She looked at the clock; James should have been home hours ago. She shook her head with a wry smile; she really was such an idiot. Everything she ever did; anytime she ever tried to make things right, it all ended up a complete disaster. 

With a sigh she walked back into the living room, grabbing Harry's baby bag. She tossed in some nappies, baby wipes, power. She flung the bag over her shoulder, slipped into her shoes and walked over, swinging Harry up onto her hip. A few moments later, after walking down the path, she apparated them to Manchester. 

Harry continued crying as she walked up the garden. The door opened before she had the chance to reach it. Her mother smiled brightly; "Lily! This is a surprise, I wasn't expecting you tonight."

Lily finally reached the door and was grateful when her mother immediately swooped Harry into her arms.

"And how is my grandson?"

"A nightmare," Lily muttered, walking past her into the house. 

"Lily," her mother rolled her eyes, following her into the house.

"It's true, mum," Lily dumped the bag onto the floor, "He won't stop crying; _ever. _He sleeps for three, maybe four hours at night; and then a two hour nap in the afternoon and during that time I have to make the dinner or clean the house or try and wash myself! Other than that, the only time he _isn't _crying is when he's latched onto my boobs!"

Marjorie Evans laughed and shook her head, "Honey, why don't you have James clean the house?"

Lily sighed, not answering. She didn't want her mother to know they were fighting. 

"What's wrong, Sweetheart?" her mother held Harry to her chest, rocking him back and forth, "Are you hungry?"

"He just ate," Lily snapped as she sat down on the chair. She could not remember the last time she was so irritated; maybe in sixth year.

"Lily, you have to soothe him when he cries," Marjorie said, gently to her.

Lily turned to her, her eyes blazing, "I spend almost every waking hour trying to soothe him! He's one and a half months, shouldn't this have stopped by now?"

"I'm afraid colic can continue until the baby is three months," her mother said, and Lily felt her heart drop. Obviously noticing, her mother quickly added, "But that's only in some cases. It will go away soon."

Lily swallowed the lump in her throat before speaking, "Can you watch him for me?"

Marjorie looked at her for a moment, hesitantly, "Of course."

Lily nodded and stood up, heading for the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Just a walk," Lily said, not stopping, "I just need an hour; please, Mum. Please."

Marjorie placed a hand on her shoulder. Lily reluctantly turned to look into her mother's concerned eyes, "Sweetheart…are you okay? How have you been coping?"

Lily swallowed, "I just need an hour. For myself."

"Couldn't James have watched him?"

Lily turned and headed towards the door.

"Lily, it's raining. You don't have a jacket…"

"I'll be fine," Lily said, quietly, opening the door and heading out into the rain.

She ended up at the river; her dress was completely soaked through by the time she had reached it but the rain had slowed and stopped as she lowered herself down to the bank. The muddy bank immediately stained her dress as she sunk down into it; she hadn't had a shower in three days; she hadn't slept properly since she didn't known when; consequently her face was pale, with dry patches and there were dark rings beneath her eyes that she worried would become permanent.

This was _not _how she had imagined family life would be. She had imagined family dinners, playing with the baby together, putting it to sleep, her and James curling up on the couch at night, talking about their day. What she had witnessed with her parents. Instead, she had entered into a nightmare. James was never home; and when he was they would fight constantly. She knew that it was her doing it; that she would nag him as soon as he came home, but she couldn't help it. He was always with Sirius; always off out, enjoying himself, as if they weren't even married. And she was sick of feeling like his ball and chain. She needed someone, anyone to help her. She felt as if she were drowning in her own life. Harry cried constantly and she still had found nothing that would pacify him; and, to add to that, it seemed that a week couldn't go by without one of her friends being killed or severely wounded.

She drew her knees as close to her chest as she could, scowling down at the bump that, although was a lot smaller now, still remained. She had never felt more unattractive in her life; and she was sure she must look quite the state, sitting in the mud, drenched to the skin. She leaned her forehead against her knees as the tears came once again.

At that moment the distinct pop of an apparition startled her. She looked up; and was only mildly surprised when she saw Severus heading up the bank, obviously not yet noticing her. She swallowed, nervously, wondering whether or not to attract his attention. 

He suddenly looked up, his eyes meeting with hers, and he froze in his steps. 

She held his look, saying nothing. She hadn't seen him in so long; how she had wanted to see him. She left her eyes glance over him; he looked good. And she looked utterly awful; she flushed with embarrassment. Of all the times he could have seen her again; it had to be when she looked like an inflated, drenched rat!

"What are you doing?" his tone was clipped.

Lily frowned up at him, confused at the hostile reception, "What?"

"It is freezing out here, Lily!" he snapped, resuming his steps towards her, "Have you lost your mind? You're soaking!" He reached down and she gave him her hand, allowing him to pull her up to stand in front of him.

She swallowed, looking up at him, standing close. His eyes softened slightly, and she knew he must have noticed her earlier tears. He cast a drying charm on her and she gave him a wavering smile of gratitude. If she was smart enough she would have done it herself.

"Did something happen?" he asked, his tone barely masking his concern.

She bit her lip, not answering.

She noticed him swallow, looking around awkwardly, "Are you visiting your mum?"

"Yes, sort of," she shrugged, looking down.

Severus was thoughtful for a moment, before speaking again, "Like I said, it's cold out here. Do you want to…?" he left the remainder of the question in the air; but she knew what he was asking. She looked up at him and nodded, he nodded in return and, placing his hand briefly on her back, he urged her up the bank.

Lily sighed as she stepped into the warm, familiar surroundings of Severus' childhood home. She shrugged off the cardigan she had been wearing as she walked into the living room, draping it over the back of the chair. She heard Severus come in from the kitchen closely after her.

"Do you want a drink?"

Lily shook her head, "No thank you." She sat down on the couch and leaned back. She closed her eyes, drawing in a deep breath; transporting herself to a time before all this. When she could sit down for longer than ten seconds without someone demanding she do something. She felt the couch dip slightly when Severus sat down next to her. She reluctantly let herself come back to reality, opening her eyes to look at him. She gave him a small smile;

"Almost five months," she said, "You've got to give me some credit for that, right?"

Severus didn't smile; his expression remained as concerned as it had been when he'd come across her at the river, "What happened? Did he hurt you?"

Lily shook her head. 

"Then what is it?" he persisted, his tone irritated, "What happened?"

Lily was quiet for a moment before looking down, "Nothing. I was just an idiot, that's all."

"What do you mean? Spit it out, Lily."

Lily sighed, looking at him in irritation, "Just back off, Severus. I haven't slept in days; I feel awful. One of my best friends was killed a few weeks ago; I haven't eaten since this morning…"

Severus held her look for a moment, his concern seeming to deepen. He looked towards the kitchen, "I don't think I have much." He stood up, walking into the kitchen.

"Severus, it's fine. That's not what I meant…"

"I have some ham," he called, "And bread. I'll make you a sandwich."

"No, don't bother," she stood up, annoyed with herself for putting him in a position where he had to take care of her, "Severus, I'm not…"

"No arguments, Lily," he cut her off, as he put two bread slices onto a plate. He pulled out several bits of ham, much more than one would usually put on a sandwich, and placed them on one of the slices, "I don't have lettuce or butter or anything. I have some mayonnaise if you want that?"

Lily looked at him for a moment, feeling her grasp over her emotions weakening. She gave him a small, sad smile and nodded. He held her look for a moment and then went back to preparing the sandwich. Less than a minute later he handed the plate to her.

"Thank you," she whispered, looking down at it. He didn't respond; just walked past her to sit back on the couch. Lily followed, lifting the sandwich as she did so and eagerly taking a bite from it. By the time she sat down beside him, almost half the sandwich had been consumed.

"You were obvious very hungry, Lily," Severus said, disapprovingly, "You are not taking care of yourself."

"I've just been very busy…"

"I just found you sitting at the river, completely soaked," he interrupted her, "You could have become ill," he studied her for a moment, "You do not look well, Lily. You look dreadful."

She gave a half-hearted smile, "What a charmer; take me now."

Severus sighed, looking away, and she thought she caught a glimpse of sadness and longing in his eyes as he did so and she immediately felt guilty. What was she doing here? She had no right to be there, not after all the pain she had put him through. She sighed and placed the plate with her half eaten sandwich on the table, "I should go."

Severus looked at her sharply, his expression confused, "You haven't finished eating."

"I shouldn't have come," she said, shaking her head, "I…"

"I asked you here," he interrupted her again.

She swallowed, looking at him, tears filling her eyes. She looked away, quickly. She felt his hand on hers, caressing it gently for a moment before it stilled. 

"What happened, Lily?"

She bit her lip, the concern in his voice was more than she deserved. She sighed and turned to look at him.

"Like I said, nothing," she shrugged, looking down, "I…I just…" she swallowed, feeling tears once again, "It's me. I'm not…I just…I…" She looked down, a tear finally slipping free, "I'm a terrible mother, Sev. My baby, Harry, he…he cries all the time. I…I can't make him stop. And I…I get so angry with him for it. And…and me and James are fighting all the time…" she shook her head, looking away, as her expression crumbled, "It all sounds so silly, so childish, but…I can't help it…I…I just want to cry all the time. I don't know what's wrong with me…" Her concerns really did sound stupid when she voiced them and she felt herself flush with embarrassment and despair.

She felt his hand on her arm and turned back to him. The concern, the understanding in his expression was all too much. She leaned into him, pressing her face against his shoulder as a sob escaped her. He reached up, his hand gently caressing the back of her head, stroking her hair. She cried into his shoulder as his arm drew her close, his hand continuing its soothing movements; finally finding the comfort she had desperately wanted. She felt him press his lips to her temple and closed her eyes, savouring the feeling of being in his arms once again. 

When he noticed her tears had stopped, he slowly drew back, keeping an arm around her as his hand fell to her shoulder. He said nothing.

She bit her lip, "I'm sorry for…for dumping all this on you."

Severus smiled, unexpectedly, that smile she loved; "You haven't 'dumped' anything on me, Lily."

She sighed, rubbing a hand over her face, "I'm so tired, Sev. The baby doesn't seem to ever sleep. And when he does, I always have things to do, things to…"

"Sleep here."

Lily stopped speaking with a frown, "Here?"

Severus nodded and motioned towards the door leading upstairs, "Go ahead. I don't mind."

"What? I can't do that," she scoffed.

"Why not?"

"Well, because…because…"

Severus raised an eyebrow, "Excellent point."

Lily sighed and shook her head, "No…I don't…I don't want to be a hassle."

"A hassle?" Severus smirked, "How can you be a hassle when you're asleep?"

Lily looked at him, at the warmth in his eyes, and felt herself warm in response; "You…you don't mind?"

"Lily, you are obviously very tired," Severus said, sensibly, "There are no screaming infants here; I make very little noise and I do not intend on going to bed for a good six hours or so. I assure you, there is no inconvenience."

Lily bit her lip, glancing towards the door, the temptation was great. It had been so long since she had slept; so long since she had had enough time to lose herself in her dreams. She turned grateful eyes to him and smiled, tears coming to her eyes, "Thank you, Severus."

He looked uncomfortable at the sincerity of her voice, "Like I said, there's no inconvenience." He made a dismissive wave towards the door, "Go ahead."

"I…I can't stay long," Lily said, as she stood, reluctantly leaving his arms, "My mum is watching Harry. If...if I'm still asleep at ten can you come and wake me?"

Severus only nodded in response. She gave him another smile as she headed up to his room. She never thought she could be so happy at being given the opportunity to sleep. 


	38. Destiny Comes a Knocking III

Chapter Thirty One

Severus stood apprehensively outside his bedroom door. It was almost ten thirty; he had hoped she would have woken herself but it seemed that, not only was she very tired, she had also become a much deeper sleeper than she had been several months ago, for his coughs, throat-clearings and knocks at the door were receiving no response. He would really rather not go in; just having her in the house again was causing enough painful, wonderful memories. Seeing her in his bed would be too much.

And yet he could not ignore the fact that she had specifically told him to wake her; that she had a brat waiting for her. And he was not going to allow himself to get into a fight with her over something as trivial as being unable to waken her. 

So, drawing in a breath, he pushed open the door and stuck his head around the side of it to look at the sleeping figure; and nearly laughed out loud at the sight. This certainly wasn't the elegant sleeping angel that he was used to seeing; she lay on her back, arms and hair lying in all directions, her mouth wide open with a definite glisten of drool slipping down one corner. Unable to help himself, he snorted in amusement which, surprisingly, was enough to rouse her. 

Lily's eyes snapped open, landing on him. Her brow furrowed a little as her eyes tried to focus on him, "Sev?" she murmured, sleepily.

He finally stepped out from behind the door, taking a few steps towards her, "It is almost ten thirty."

She looked confused for a moment before realisation dawned; she sighed and let her head fall back against the pillow. She was silent for a moment before smiling up at him, "I can't remember the last time I had such a good sleep."

"It's only been four hours."

"I know," she said, shaking her head a little with a humourless smile. She reached up and felt the side of her mouth, en flushed and quickly wiped away the drool that had settled there with an embarrassed grin up at him.

Severus felt a smile tug at his lips but managed to successfully hide it from her. He swallowed, looking down at her, as she shifted about, straightened out the shirt she was wearing. He frowned a little, recognising it as one of his own. She looked up at him and then hesitated, looking slightly apprehensive.

"I…uh…I hope you don't mind," she looked down at the shirt, "I…"

"It's fine," he interrupted her. She smiled up at him again, her eyes holding a brightness that hadn't been there when he had come across her earlier, and he wanted nothing more that to kiss her. He looked away, awkwardly, back down at her and then turned around, "I'll let you get dressed." He thought he saw her nod as he reached the door but refused to look back at her; and made his way back down the stairs. 

In the four hours or so since he had found her there had been so many thoughts in his mind that he was still unable to comprehend how he truly felt about the situation. Part of him was rejoicing; that her marriage to Potter obviously wasn't the nauseatingly happy picture he had imagined. That she had come back with him that day; that he was finally with her again, even if it was only as her friend. And yet, the idea that she was suffering, that she was unhappy wasn't a good one; he wanted her to be happy. And if the miserable woman he had come across at the river earlier that evening was what she had been reduced to; if the light in her eyes, her spirit was dying because of the mess she had gotten herself into then he wanted her out of it. Immediately.

He lifted the potion vial that he had set on the mantelpiece earlier that night, not long after she had went to sleep. She had mentioned that her baby was crying frequently; trust Potter to land her with a child as attention-seeking as himself. Draco Malfoy had been the same; though not for very long. Perhaps only a couple of weeks; but it was long enough for Lucius to beg him for a potion remedy to quell the boy's unnecessary tears. At first he had resisted; what did he know about babies, after all? But after more insistence from Lucius, he finally checked his mother's old potions cabinet where he came across a vial; one for baby colic. He hadn't given the Malfoys that particular vial; after all he had no idea how long it had been in the house. It was probably one his mother had made for him when _he_was a baby. 

Consequently, he spent a while of searching until he finally came across the instructions his mother had written and proceeded to make the potion. Typically, by the time it had brewed, Draco was already calming down and Narcissa only needed to use it once.

"Hey," Lily said, as she stepped into the room.

He looked over at her, noticing that she was once again wearing the dress he had found her in; though it had been scourgified to remove the mud that she had been sitting it. He noticed her glance curiously at the potion. He raised an eyebrow and took a step towards her, holding it out. She eyed it for a moment before taking it from him.

"What is it?" she lifted it, looking in at the liquid.

"It is a baby colic treatment," he answered. Her eyes snapped from the liquid to his, wide. He held her look for a moment as she slowly lowered the vial.

"Are you serious?" she muttered, looking down at it again. He almost laughed at the look of wonderment in her eyes.

"Yes," he said, seriously, "My mother created it. Perhaps I was also a fussy child."

She looked back up at him, the wonder still shining in her eyes, "I…how…did you make this? For me?"

He shook his head, looking at the wall, the door, anywhere but her; "I made it for the Malfoys; they have also recently had a son."

"I see," she said, quietly, looking at the potion again, "What…how does it work?"

He looked back at her, "I presume it has a calming influence on the child; I am not aware of the causes of brattiness in babies. I tested it prior to giving it to Lucius Malfoy; and Narcissa used it two months ago and neither she nor the baby have suffered any adverse side affects. Depending on your methods of…feeding; if you are using formula then two drops in the bottle will suffice. If you are using…another method, four drops in any liquid you consume an hour or so before feeding will be sufficient to ensure the baby receives enough to calm it."

She released a breath and closed her eyes, shaking her head, "God, I…I never even thought of a potion." She looked up at him, her eyes full. She stepped towards him, wrapping her arms around his neck, pulling him in close; "Thank you," she whispered.

He awkwardly returned her hug, suddenly feeling as if he were fifteen again and completely unsure how to respond to any physical contact with her. She drew back, looking up at him with a small, grateful smile.

"I am afraid that is the only vial I have," he said, managed to make himself sound unapproachable even to himself; he softened his tone, somewhat, "But I shall begin a new potion, if you wish. If your child is as…temperamental as you implied."

She gave a sheepish smile and looked down, tucking the vial into her pocket, "I would appreciate that very much."

He nodded, slowly, "Very well. It shall take a fortnight; if you come back then I will have it ready for you."

She looked up at him and smiled; her eyes sparking slightly, as if a weight had suddenly been lifted from her. He averted his eyes, uncomfortably. She reached over, gently squeezing his arm. He looked back at her.

"I…is it okay that I'm here, Severus?" she asked, uncertainly, "I mean…after everything…"

"I asked you here," he reminded her, for the second time that night.

"Yes but…well," she looked down, "It's not like you would have just left me…considering the state I was in."

He only looked at her for a moment, not sure how to respond. It was difficult, almost painful being around her; being reminded of what he once had. But he wanted to be; he couldn't help wanting to be near her; wanting to see her, touch her. Wanting to see her looking at him the way she was now. It was painful, it was hopeless and it was insane; but he knew she felt it too.

"You are always welcome here, Lily," he finally said. 

She held his look for a moment before she smiled, softly. He saw her swallow and glance towards the clock; he followed her look; 10.50. She looked back at him and spoke quietly, "It's late. I should…"

He nodded, "Of course."

She kept still for a moment, standing in front of him. He bit his lip for a second, uncertainly. She sighed and stepped closer; she reached up, touching the side of his face and pressed her lips to his cheek; pressing them there longer than he deemed appropriate, but he kept still, allowing himself to breath in the scent of her, experience the warmth of her body so close to his. 

After a few moments she moved back slightly, speaking quietly near his ear, "Goodnight, Sev."

She turned, not looking at him again, and made her way out the door. That familiar pain constricted in his heart as he watched her leave once again.

* * *

"Over there at the bar," Regulus nudged him, "The brunette; she's been looking at you all night."

Severus glanced over at the bar; sure enough there was a woman looking at him and, rather than looking away when he caught her eye, she gave him a flirty smile. His brow furrowed and he turned away; Regulus snorted beside him and shook his head.

"You've really got to lighten up," Regulus said, finishing off his drink, "When was the last time you had a good shag? January or something? Go over and say hello."

"No; I would rather not."

"Come on; you can't spend the rest of your life pining over Evans," he said, quietly.

"I am not pining," he spat. 

"Could have fooled me," Regulus rolled his eyes, leaning back against the couch. Severus shot him a murderous look in response but said nothing. His mind was still on their impromptu meeting a couple of days before; and he was finding it even more difficult to keep her from his mind. He had finally gotten used to being without her; to imagining that he might just be able to get past all of it and then she had shown up and all the resolve he had managed to build over the months they were apart was thrown into the wind. 

"Hi."

Severus noticeably jumped when the brunette from the bar sat down on the couch, moving in close to him. He glanced around and noticed Regulus had left from the company of some woman at the other side of the room. He sighed and looked back at her, irritated. 

"I'm Susanne," she said, with a seductive smile.

He nodded, "Severus."

"Nice," she said, leaning in closer. And so began the uncomfortable small talk that Severus was only vaguely accustomed to; the kind that would eventually lead to an alleyway, a bush or, occasionally, a bed. It had been a while since he had bothered with the whole ritual; a long while. In fact, he hadn't ever done so in Britain; the several times he had done so had been when he was in New York. And no one knew who he was. He noticed Regulus glance over at him and grin; he rolled his eyes and shook his head.

The woman left and then returned a few moments later, four drinks in her hand. She handed a couple to him and kept the other two for herself; as the ritual continued. He allowed himself to glance over her as she babbled on about some thing or other; something about new wizarding fashions; about alcoholic beverages; about Hogwarts; and, inevitably, about the war. She was certainly attractive; in a Bellatrix Lestrange kind of way. Dark, seductive; everything Lily wasn't. He supposed it would do no harm; he allowed himself to comment occasionally on her points, her questions, her opinions. Just approachable enough to let her know he was interested, but nothing more.

By midnight he was becoming impatient; how long did he have to put up with her babbling before they could finally get to it? 

As if reading his mind she leaned in, close to his ear, "Do you want to leave?" she murmured.

He said nothing; only leaned forward, pressing his lips insistently against hers; his tongue immediately forcing her lips to part. She responded eagerly and then stood, grabbing him by the hand and leading him towards the exit. 

Moments later they were an the alley not two minutes from the building they had left; but he was past caring if anyone saw them. His lips went to hers, his hands immediately wherever they wished; their tongues moving together roughly. Him pushing against her forcefully, insistently; causing her to thump back up against the wall painfully. He had never touched Lily like this; would never even consider touching her so carelessly, caring only about his own desire. But this was not Lily.

And yet, her face came to him; her eyes, her lips, her hands. His movements slowed, became gentler, as she filled his mind. He kept his eyes closed, burying his face in her hair. Ignoring the murmurings threatening to break the spell. Touching her where he knew she liked; kissing her how she liked; whispering, murmuring things she wanted to hear. And then she froze.

"Who's Lily?"

Severus froze, as reality came back to him. He kept still, keeping himself close, "What?"

"You called me Lily."

Severus drew back as if scalded, "No I didn't."

"Yes you did. Is she your girlfriend or something?"

Severus had never felt so turned off in his life. He stepped back from the dark eyes, the woman before him; who didn't even come close to what he wanted. He turned sharply and strode down the alley. 

_Idiot._

* * *

Author's Note: The idea for the colic potion came from firsttimewriter; thanks again! 


	39. Destiny Comes a Knocking IV

Chapter Thirty Two

Regulus was no longer quite as nervous around the Dark Lord as he had been in the past; not since his occlumency skills had improved. Nevertheless, he did his best to avoid eye contact with his master; just one slip and his disloyalty would be apparent; his uncertainty, his suspicions, neither must be discovered. He still was not quite sure if said suspicions were correct and he wasn't sure which of the consequences would be worse; that they are correct and he is killed for his treacherous thoughts; or that they are incorrect and only serve to plant the idea in the lunatic's head.

Though it was clear that the Dark Lord was becoming nervous; that the issue of his mortality was becoming a very potent matter and it seemed that the reason for this would be revealed shortly.

Consequently, Regulus tended to stare at the ground during the meetings; while Severus, now becoming a favourite with the Dark Lord, at his side kept most unwanted attention from himself.

"Several months ago I was informed of a prophecy…" the Dark Lord was babbling.

Regulus forced himself to focus; to keep him mind on the words being said.

"Very few have been informed of this '_prediction'_," the final word was laced with distain, "And I do hope that none of my followers, loyal as you all are…" his eyes fell on each of them in turn, "believe it to be true."

Regulus swallowed, nervously.

"…That someone is on their way, with the ability to destroy me…"

Regulus glanced sideways out the corner of his eye at Severus; he had no doubt it had been him who had revealed the prophecy. He was aware that Severus had informed him some information of great importance several months before; however had been forbidden to speak of it.

"Nevertheless, it would be foolish of me not to act," the Dark Lord went on, "For the past couple of months I have personally sought this threat, with the assistance of my most trusted, and have now concluded that the threat at hand is the newly born son of Auror Frank Longbottom and his wife."

Regulus' eyes snapped to his master at that and he noticed Severus start slightly out the corner of his eye. There was a slight stir among the Death Eaters present, without a word being spoken.

"Ah yes," the Dark Lord spoke softly, with a small, humourless laugh, "I see what you are all thinking; how is it that a child, a mere infant, could have the power to defeat me? I can only conclude that, should the prophecy prove to be more than the utter nonsense that it is, then the infant will grow to be a great threat…"

Regulus quickly looked down, his mind reeling. _A baby? _He looked over at Severus, who remained expressionless while he kept his eyes completely focused on the madman. Regulus turned his attention back to their master; he thought an infant had the ability to kill him? Born in July; the child was younger than _Draco_, for Merlin's sake! He almost scoffed but managed to refrain from doing so, as the Dark Lord went about stating his intentions regarding the Longbottoms; as well as his continued investigation into potential threats regarding the prophecy. More babies, perhaps? The very thought was ludicrous.

After several more minutes the topic of conversation was suddenly changed, without any indication of the previous one being ended.

"I am currently in need of a house elf; one which may assist me in my current venture. I trust there is someone here willing to offer me this small service?" his eyes went pointedly to Lucius.

Before the older man could respond however, Regulus immediately sprang into action, "I have a house elf, Master. I would be very happy to offer his services to you."

The Dark Lord's eyes snapped immediately to him and Regulus felt his heart beat faster, as he forced himself to maintain eye contact. His master seemed surprised, almost impressed with his eagerness. He glanced back at Lucius who also stood deadly still as he kept his eyes on that of his master. After a few moments the Dark Lord's eyes turned back to him.

"Very well, Regulus," he finally spoke, "I shall soon inform you of when I wish you to bring it before me. I trust that your elf is loyal, obedient; that it will not question my orders?"

"I have known no house elf more so," Regulus said, impressing himself with the firmness of his response.

"Excellent."

With that the matter was done with and the Dark Lord proceeded to address other matters concerning the war; the issue of the losses that were being sustained now that the Ministry condoned the use of Unforgivables. But Regulus barely heard what else was said, his mind reeling. If his suspicions were correct; if the Dark Lord was creating a Horcrux, then offering Kreacher's services might be enough to confirm them. The elf was loyal, obedient and good; he liked the elf. He could count on him to inform him of the Dark Lord's actions.

He glanced over at Severus, whose eyes were focused on the Dark Lord. But his eyes looked glazed; as if his mind was elsewhere. Sensing his look, Severus looked at him out the corner of his eye; he shot him a brief look of disapproval before turning his eyes back to the Dark Lord.

Regulus forced his eyes back to his master; to concentrate on the words being spoken but couldn't. His heart thudded; his mind raced. Soon he would know.

* * *

Severus sighed as he sunk down into the warm comfort of the chair, his heart heavy as he contemplated the events that had taken place that evening. The Longbottom baby; of all the ways the idiot could interpret the prophecy! It was a baby, for heaven's sake! He had never heard anything so ridiculous in his life; that the Dark Lord should believe an infant possessed the power to destroy him. He closed his eyes and shook his head, before leaning it heavily against the back at the chair; the baby would die because of him. The whole family over something so absurd; a prophecy!

He swallowed as he opened his eyes, remembering back to that night he had heard it. He should have considered the prophecy further; considered the possible interpretations of it. He remembered the time well; his relationship with Lily having just ended, Regulus and Lucius' lives hanging in the balance over the secret. The punishment the Dark Lord wished to inflict on him due to his absence; the prophecy had been perfect. Had freed them all from the Dark Lord's suspicions; from his wrath. He sighed and shook his head; his stomach twisting in disgust at the impeding fate of the Longbottoms now that they had been targeted.

A knock at the door startled him slightly but he remained seated, expecting Regulus to enter. A few moments later another knock sounded; he frowned, glancing towards the clock; 9.45. He reluctantly stood, wondering who would call so late. And then he felt the twist in his stomach change into something that seemed to flutter; as his mind wondered if it could be who he hoped.

He pulled the door open; and the feeling in his stomach increased.

"Hi," Lily smiled at him.

He said nothing; only looked at her. She looked remarkably better than when he had seen her earlier that week; the dark rings under her eyes were gone; her cheeks had a definite, healthy tint to them and her eyes sparkled as she looked up at him. He felt a smile tug at his lips, but repressed it.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said nervously, looking around, "My mum was watching Harry so I…I thought I'd come by. Say hello," she looked down, her face reddening, "Only if that's alright with you, of course."

He nodded and stood aside, allowing her entrance. She smiled again and walked by him into the living room; "Thank you so much for the potion. Honestly, I never would have survived the next few months without it."

Severus smirked, "An Order member brought down by the cries of an infant?"

She looked over at him and smiled, shrugging, "I suppose I fight better than I comfort."

"I am sure than is not true," he said, walking by her into the kitchen, "Would you like a drink?"

"Um…yes, water is fine."

"Water?"

"Unless you have orange juice?"

"I do."

"Oh, okay...orange juice, then."

He said nothing, the awkwardness the two of them were going to face made very apparent by the exchange, and went for a glass. He heard Lily shuffling around in the living room and glanced over from the kitchen; she was fumbling around with the old radio on the sill. He turned back to the task at hand, pouring an orange juice for each of them, and then walked back into the living room just as the radio broke out in static. She smiled up at him, uncertainly, before going back to it when he offered no complaint. He sat down on the couch, placing the glasses on the table as he did so. A few short moments later she found the radio channel she was looking for and then walked over, sitting next to him on the couch.

They sat there awkwardly for a few moments, neither saying anything nor looking at one another. He didn't think he had ever felt so uncomfortable around her in his life. He looked back at her; for Merlin's sake, this was Lily; _Lily. _There was no need for him to feel awkward around her.

"So," she finally spoke, lifting her glass and bringing it to her lips, "How was your day?"

"Fine."

"Oh."

He swallowed, looking down, then back up at her. She gave him a small smile.

"You are looking much better, Lily."

Her smile brightened somewhat, "I'm glad you think so. The potion really is wonderful; Harry is sleeping five, almost six hours at night now. His nap in the afternoon is shorter; but with him no longer crying as much as he had been it has been much easier."

He nodded, "I am glad to hear it."

Another awkward silence descended, and Severus felt the bitterness begin to overcome him. This was Potter's doing; every major estrangement he and Lily had went through almost always could be traced back to him. Their biggest fight regarding Lupin; the incident at the lake; their break up several months ago. Perhaps not entirely, but he was always there in some form; like a ghostly shadow that hung over them.

"And how is your husband?"

He noticed Lily's hand freeze in lifting her glass to her lips, her eyes snapping to his as a small frown furrowed her brow. He swallowed, instantly regretting mentioning him, and averted his eyes.

"He is fine."

He gave a curt nod and said nothing. But he looked back at her, his eyes apologetic and he noticed her own expression soften in response. She reached over, gently squeezing his arm, "Let's not talk about him. We both know how those conversations will end…"

"Very well."

"I really miss you, Sev," she blurted out.

He nodded, slowly, saying nothing in response.

"I…I know things are difficult…" she looked down at her hand, which remained on his arm, "That after what we've been through…it's hard," he saw her swallow and then looked back up at him, "But I…I really want…I hope that, maybe…could we still be friends?"

He held her look for a moment; _friends _his mind spat, disdainfully. After everything they'd been through, after everything they had said, meant to each other; they were right back at the beginning. Coming full circle. He closed his eyes for a brief moment, then looked back into hers, they were hopeful and full; full of love. For him and he felt his heart constrict with love for her.

He lifted his hand, placing it over hers that she had lain on his arm, "Of course."

She smiled softly, turning her hand beneath his, entwining their fingers and squeezing gently; while the soft music from the radio rang out in the background.

_Something in the way she woos me…_

He sighed and drew back his hand, reaching for his glass, "Have you much of the potion left?"

"About half a vial; it should last me until the next batch."

"Good. It will be ready by next Monday."

"I'll come for it that afternoon…if you're not busy?"

"I am rarely from home," he said, looking over at her.

"Okay; Monday it is."

"Lily," he began, cautiously, "How is it that you can come here? Where do people think you are?"

She kept her eyes on him for a moment before shrugging and looking down, "James thinks I'm at my mother's. My mum thinks I'm with my friends."

"I see. And did your husband not wish to accompany you?"

Lily bit her lip, keeping her eyes averted and he wondered at it; at their relationship. If the state he had found her in earlier that week was anything to go by, it seemed that they were not quite the 'team' a husband and wife ought to be with a new child; at least, not from what he had seen with Lucius and Narcissa. He would never have found Cissa in such a state; Lucius would not allow it to get so far. And yet Lily had been, _his_ Lily, who he had watched leave him, who he had let go. And for what? So she could walk into a life of complete misery; with a husband who couldn't even tend to her most basic needs? The expression on her face when he had allowed her to sleep, _to sleep!, _the last time he had seen her came to his mind.

_You're asking me will my love grow.I don't know…_

"I…James and I…" she took a deep breath, looking at her hands that she had now clasped together on her lap, "He and I are…we married too young."

"I could not agree more."

Her eyes snapped to his; he held her look evenly. She swallowed before looking away, releasing a heavy sigh, "He never spends any time with Harry."

Severus could not blame him, to be honest. From what he'd heard the child was an absolute brat that needed to be doped up on potions to control itself; _he _would not wish for such a child. And judging by Potter's immature attitude, he was sure such an infant would merely cramp his carefree life.

"And where is he this evening?"

She kept her eyes on the blank screen of the television, "One guess."

He didn't voice it; the pub. Of course. There were no raids planned for that evening. He looked over at her; noticing the light in her eyes had dimmed; was dying. Before he knew what he was doing, he had reached out and placed his hand over hers again, squeezing it gently. She looked at him for a moment before she smiled.

_Something in the things she shows me…_

"It's really good to be back here, you know."

He finally let himself smile back at her.

_You know I believe and how…_

Severus reluctantly released her hand, "I'm very sorry for how things have turned out for you, Lily," he said, not looking at her.

"Are you?"

He looked back at her, surprised at the response, "Of course."

She looked doubtful for a moment, before looking down, "I figured it was some sort of punishment; for all the pain I've caused…"

"What?" he scoffed.

"You know, like fate…"

"There is no fate," he rolled his eyes and the issue of the Longbottoms and the prophecy came unbidden to his mind; "Life is what we make of it. There is no destiny; it is just what people blame when we fuck it up."

"You believe that?"

"I do."

"And…when we die? What do you think happens then?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Nothing."

"So…you don't believe in heaven? Hell? Reincarnation?"

"No," he stated, firmly, "I do not."

"You don't even think about it? About being with the people you have lost? We all die; don't you think we'll be reunited?"

"Well…" he began, before turning his eyes pointedly towards her, "Considering that, if such places did exist, I would be going in the opposite direction from those I have lost; the idea of them existing really is no comfort."

He noticed Lily flinch slightly before averting her eyes. She bit her lower lip for a second before looking back at him, "We all make mistakes. We have all done things we regret…"

"Yes. But some people cannot be redeemed."

"That's not true," she shook her head, her voice quiet, "Anyone who truly wants forgiveness; anyone who truly regrets, wants to right the wrongs they have made; they deserve redemption."

He was quiet as he looked at her, before speaking quietly, "You believe that, Lily?"

She smiled softly and nodded, "I do."

He swallowed hard, wanting desperately to kiss her. Instead he looked towards the clock; a motion not unnoticed by her. She didn't even look towards it before she gulped down the remainder of her drink;

"I have better go."

He looked back at her and nodded, putting his own glass on the table as he stood. She stood after him and, once again, the two stood before one another as they had last time; neither quite sure how to say good night. She had kept her eyes on his chest but he noticed her swallow before she raised her eyes to his. She gave him a shy smile.

"I…I'll probably come by around two, maybe three; Harry usually takes his naps at that time and I don't like leaving my mum alone with him when he's awake."

He nodded, "Two is fine."

She nodded, "Okay…I…I'll see you then." He swallowed and said nothing. A few seconds later she brushed by him and headed out the door, leaving him with the scent of her perfume, the memory of her smile, her touch. And he smiled again.

* * *

Author's Note: Sorry for the waits for the last couple of chapters; work was getting on top of me but I'm back on track now. And for anyone who didn't recognise it, the lyrics in this chapter were from The Beatles – Something.


	40. Destiny Comes a Knocking V

Chapter Thirty Three

Regulus laughed as Draco squealed; "Look, Sev."

Severus looked over and almost dropped his jar of owl eyes in horror; Regulus was levitating the infant in the air, almost five feet from the ground. He quickly placed the jar on the desk and walked over, plucking the child from the air. Only when the child was held firmly in his hands did he turn furious eyes to the idiot; "Have you lost your fucking mind?" He eyed the infant, whom he was holding at the waist by both hands, almost at arms length away from his body, with concern.

"Oh come on, he's fine," Regulus rolled his eyes, reaching for the baby. Severus carefully released his hold on him.

"Lucius has entrusted us with the care of his infant for only ten minutes and you could have very nearly killed it!" Severus hissed, "Do _not _do that again or I will kill you; and I assure you, if I were to, it would be a blessing in comparison to what its parents would do."

"Stop calling him 'it'; it's 'him' or 'Draco."

"It's a lump."

Regulus rolled his eyes and bounced the baby on his hip, immediately receiving a squeal and a laugh in response. Severus glanced down at the infant, who promptly raised his arms towards him; "He wants you," Regulus made to hand it to him.

"No," Severus backed away and turned back to the potion, "I am busy. You play with it...him."

"I know you like him," Regulus said, coming up to stand beside him, leaning back against the desk, "You don't have to pretend you don't, you know."

"I have not the slightest idea what you are talking about," Severus said, as he went about chopping the owl eyes.

He heard Regulus scoff, "You try so hard to act like you're indifferent to him, that it just makes it even more obvious that you do."

Severus rolled his eyes, glancing at Regulus and then at the baby who smiled up at him. He sighed and turned back to the potion; "I have heard of worse infants."

"Did you hear that?" Regulus suddenly addressed the infant, "Uncle Severus just admitted that 'he's heard of worse' than you." He rocked the baby back and forth, "Considering that you hardly ever cry, that you've never been sick on him and that you sleep like a log when Narcissa puts you down; that's quite a generous statement, don't you think?"

Severus rolled his eyes and looked over at the baby, who gurgled and held out his arms once again.

"Here, take him."

"Regulus, I told you I am very busy," Severus snapped. To his surprise the boy relented and drew the baby back to his chest, bouncing him gently. Severus sighed and shook his head, making to continue with the potion.

"Listen, Severus," Regulus began, speaking quietly, with a glance at the door, "I think…I think the Dark…" The door he had been staring at suddenly opened and Lucius walked into the room; Severus looked expectantly at Regulus, waiting for him to continue. Instead, the boy forced a smile at the man who had interrupted, while he noticeably blanched. Severus frowned, keeping his eyes on Regulus; but he kept his eyes on Draco.

"The Dark Lord asks you to bring the elf before him on Monday evening," Lucius immediately said to Regulus; the boy nodded but said nothing.

"What news of the Longbottoms?" Severus said to Lucius, while keeping his eyes on Regulus.

"Little progress," Lucius responded, taking Draco from Regulus, "The Dark Lord continues to investigate other potential threats; and is unwilling to make an act against the Longbottoms out of concern that the Order will be alerted to his intentions. It was Dumbledore who was present when the prophecy was revealed, was it not?"

"Indeed," Severus said, "Which means that they are very likely already aware of the threat."

"Perhaps not," Lucius said, eying him, "They may be suspicious of your intentions."

Severus' eyes narrowed, "Intentions?"

"If they are aware of your previous relationship with a certain Mrs Potter, then yes."

"Don't be ridiculous," Severus turned back to his potion, indignantly, "How would they know that?"

"What is the matter, Regulus?" Lucius said, impatiently; Severus glanced over at them, noticing him glaring at the boy.

"Did I say anything?" Regulus suddenly snapped, surprising them both. Before either could respond verbally, the boy had stormed out of the room.

The two watched after him until the door slammed shut; and the silence was broken only by Draco's whimpers of protest at his leaving. Lucius turned suspicious eyes to Severus;

"What were you two just talking about?"

"What?"

"Just now, before I came in. You two were talking to one another, I presume?"

"We were talking about your son," Severus glared at him, irritated by the question.

"I heard him mention the Dark Lord."

"He did not finish his statement."

Lucius kept suspicious eyes on him, much to Severus' annoyance. Ever since the man had discovered his relationship with Lily months ago, he had made it his business to watch his every move, question his every motive. And the fact that it seemed that she was now back in his life, however small, made the distrust all the more unnerving. He turned back to the potion.

"Have you noticed anything unusual about him lately?"

Severus unconsciously tensed and shook his head, "He is as he has always been."

"No," came the firm response, "He is not. There is a change in him; one, I fear, that may lead to unpleasant consequences."

Severus paused in his movements for a moment before he turned to look at him, "What are you suggesting, Lucius?"

"He is disingenuous."

Severus held his look, as a slow smirk spread over his features, "And you are not?"

"This is not about me," Lucius hissed, shifting Draco slightly, "I am not foolish enough to act on my reservations; Regulus, on the other hand, has always acted impulsively. I fear for him."

Severus gave an exasperated sigh and shook his head, not knowing what to say. Similar conversations had been frequent over the past few months and yet the problem remained the same; there was nothing they could do about it. And yet, the boy had been acting differently, more reserved than usual; the only time he seemed to relax fully was when he was playing with the baby.

"You must have noticed the change in him, Severus," Lucius said, insistently, as the infant in his arms began to whimper.

"I will speak with him, if you wish."

"Yes," Lucius said, before Draco began to cry fully, "Yes, that would be good," he lifted the baby higher against his chest, rubbing his back, "If you will excuse me; I must take Draco to Narcissa. Feel free to remain as long as you wish."

Severus only nodded and turned back to the potion once again, while Lucius left the room.

* * *

"Hello Sweetheart," Marjorie Evans smiled brightly as Lily walked through the door. Lily smiled back as she gently lowered Harry's basket onto the floor, "He's sleeping?"

"Yeah," Lily nodded, with a sigh, "I put him down about half an hour ago, so he should be out for a couple of hours."

Marjorie leaned close the basket, smiling down at her grandson. She glanced up at Lily, "So, where are you going?"

"What?"

"You said you had plans this afternoon?" her mother said, straightening.

"Oh, yes. Yes, I do," Lily nodded, averting her eyes to look through her bag, "I'm going shopping with Alice. Her husband is taking the baby today."

"I see," her mother said, quietly. Lily hesitated slightly, recognising the suspicion in her mother's voice. She raised her eyes to her mother's face; the same suspicion was present in her expression. Lily zipped her bag back up;

"I won't be out long," she stepped forward, kissing her mother on the cheek, "Thank you for looking after Harry for me." She made to turn and hurry from the house.

"Lily," her mother's hand on her arm stopped her. Lily sighed and turned to face her; her mother's eyes were sad this time, "Lily, Sweetheart; where are you really going?"

"I told you, I'm going shopping with Alice."

Her mother looked unconvinced, "Come, sit with me. I'd like to speak to you first." She urged her towards the couch. Lily reluctantly allowed herself to be guided and sat down next to her mother. There was silence for a moment, before Marjorie placed her hand over hers.

"How are you coping, Sweetheart?" she began, gently.

Lily sighed and shrugged, "Fine. It's better," she looked over at her son, "Harry's calmed down."

"Yes," Marjorie nodded, "Very…convenient that he calmed down by himself; and so quickly."

Lily raised her eyes to her mothers, "I made a potion; it helped."

"A potion?"

"Yes, a potion."

"Why did you wait so many weeks before making it?"

"Because…I didn't know about it at first. Alice told me about it, so I made it."

Her mother nodded, slowly, "Okay. Then, tell me, how are things between you and James?"

Lily unconsciously averted her eyes, "Fine."

"Fine?"

"Yes."

"Well they don't seem fine, Lily," her mother said seriously, "Where is he now? Working?"

Lily swallowed and nodded; though it wasn't true. He and the rest of them were off to see some Quidditch match that afternoon; she had a fair idea of where the conversation was going and was not willing to add fuel to the fire.

"That must be difficult," Marjorie said, "I know you loved your work."

Lily sighed; she hadn't told her mother what they did, what she used to do. But she had informed her that she had a job, one that she was passionate about. One that she felt would make a difference. She looked at her and forced a smile;

"I'm happy taking care of my son."

Marjorie nodded, "Oh, of course. Of course you are; but you're still young Lily. And I know you; you're not the sort of girl, the sort of woman who's going to want to be a housewife. And I think, maybe, that is taking its toll. Perhaps you resent that James is able to work, while you have to stay at home?"

Lily sighed. Partially; although that wasn't even the half of it.

"Mum, James and I are fine."

"Lily," her mother sighed, "Sweetheart," she took her hand again, "Where are you really going?"

Lily snatched her hand back in exasperation, standing up, "I have to go. Alice will be waiting. Thank you for looking after Harry," she turned and walked briskly from the house. She was careful to take the long way to Spinners End, lest her mother was watching her from the window, and headed in the direction of the river, where she would normally disapparate.

It took her an extra ten minutes to arrive at Severus'; she glanced around the street suspiciously, before heading up to his door, knocking on it firmly. A few moments later the door was pulled open and she quickly stepped inside.

"Hi," she smiled at him, as he pushed the door shut behind her.

"I have the potion," Severus said, walking past her into the living room, "Three vials; that should last you another six weeks. Is that enough?"

"Yes, I think so," Lily nodded, following him into the living room, "Are you busy?" She immediately noticed his hurried movements as he made to look for the vials.

"I am," he said, as he lifted the vials and placed them into a box, "I am brewing a potion that must be finished by this evening."

"Oh," she looked away, uncomfortably, knowing well enough who the potion was for and said nothing, "Well, I won't keep you," she said, as he handed her the box.

He kept a hold on the other side on the box, his eyes soft when she looked at him, "I really am busy; I'm not…I shan't be busy later on this week…" he seemed to flush slightly and let go of the box, looking away uncomfortably.

"Oh, that's…that's great," she smiled and nodded, "I'll try and come by, sometime. Harry stays with his grandparents on Fridays, so…"

"Yes, that's fine," he said, dismissively, walked away.

"I'll send you an owl, let you know," she said. He looked over and nodded;

"That will be fine."

She remained still for a moment, watching as he gathered up some papers from his desk. He glanced over at her when he noticed she was still there.

She forced a smile, "I'll see you on Friday then," he nodded and she turned, heading from the house.


	41. Destiny Comes a Knocking VI

Chapter Thirty Four

Regulus lay back on his bed with a sigh; he was starving and considered summoning a house elf to make him a sandwich for a moment before rejecting the idea. Kreacher was the elf he usually relied on for such duties, as he was the only one of them who actually made the snack perfectly. Just the right amount of butter and two extra slices of cheese; perfect. He sighed again and wondered how long the Dark Lord would hang onto his faithful servant; the elf had been undoubtedly horrified when Regulus had informed him of the duty and yet his terror could not be helped, as there was no way he could change his mind now. After all, what the Dark Lord was using him for couldn't be so terrible; nevertheless, he had insisted that should anything terrible happen or be done to him, he was to come home immediately. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if the elf was harmed and killed, just because he had a hunch that sending him off would reveal the Dark Lord's plans.

He reached under his pillow and pulled out the horcrux book Severus had given to him. If his suspicions were correct…

He seethed as his grip tightened on the book, remembering the dismissive, contemptuous attitude of Albus Dumbledore when he had went to him; had offered to tell him his suspicions. He really did despise the man, just as Lucius did. He was sure Severus was not too keen on him either; as the old man had allowed his brother, Potter and the other two to bully him consistently throughout Hogwarts and failed to do anything to prevent it. He shouldn't have bothered going to him; the old man was useless anyway. If there was a horcrux, he would deal with it himself.

At that moment there was a loud crack and Kreacher suddenly appeared in the middle of his room; clearly distressed, as it screeched and rolled around the floor.

"Kreacher!" Regulus was at the elf's side immediately, "Kreacher! What is it? What happened?" The elf only screeched further, before giving out desperate murmurs and gasps. Regulus gathered the elf into his arms, cast a silencing spell over him to hide his cries and hurried out the room, down the stairs and out into the dark night. He disapparated and appeared in Severus' garden, rushing up to the door. He didn't bother knocking this time; just burst in.

"Severus!" he called out, desperately, as the silencing charm on Kreacher wore off and the elf's cries and screeches filled the room; he hurried through the kitchen into the living room, "Sev!"

"What the…" Severus appeared at the door that lead up the stairs and hurried over, "What happened?"

"I don't know," Regulus gasped, putting the elf down onto the floor, where he writhed as he continued to cry out, "I gave him to the Dark Lord, remember? He just returned, I don't…"

Severus leaned down, awkwardly placing his hands on the elf; he assumed trying to find the cause of his distress.

"Thirsty…" Kreacher suddenly gasped out, "Water…"

Regulus stood and hurried into the kitchen, grabbing a glass that was already lying in the sink and filled it, hurrying back. He lifted the elf's head and held the water to his mouth; the elf gulped it down and, suddenly and surprisingly, his shaking and cries stopped and he whimpered as he lay on the floor, gasping for breath.

Regulus looked at Severus, who returned his look with a confused from, "It must have been a curse."

Regulus' eyes narrowed furiously and he looked down at Kreacher; he touched his back and spoke concernedly, "Kreacher? Can you hear me?"

"Good master Regulus," he murmured, "Always so good…" his words repeated and Regulus watched as Severus rolled his eyes and stood, walking into the kitchen.

"Kreacher, shush," he quietened the compliments, "Please, you must tell me what happened. What did the Dark Lord do to you?"

"Kreacher…Kreacher did as Master Regulus told," the elf said, insistently, as he pushed himself to his feet, "Kreacher did all the Dark Lord asked of him; he made Kreacher drink the potion, the potion in the basin…he made Kreacher drink…and then he put the locket…"

Regulus looked up and noticed Severus was back in the doorway, watching the two of them with a lowered brow. Regulus shrugged in confusion; though he was sure his suspicions were about to be confirmed;

"Kreacher, what locket?"

"The Dark Lord did not tell Kreacher," the elf went on, as Regulus knelt up higher, so he was eye level with him, "He made Kreacher drink all the potion in the basin and Kreacher saw things, saw terrible things…I called for you Master…I called…" he carried on talking, while Regulus looked up to Severus with a concerned frown. Severus was staring at the elf with interest, not returning his look.

"And when the potion was gone, the Dark Lord put the locket in the basin and filled it with more potion…he left Kreacher on the island…Kreacher needed to drink…needed to drink so Kreacher went to the water and the bodies…the dead bodies tried to drag Kreacher under the water; tried to drown Kreacher!" the elf was becoming hysterical, so Regulus hushed him again and stood. He looked at Severus, wondering what he would make of it.

Severus bit his lower lip, keeping his eye on the elf, "Regulus," he kept his eyes averted, "Why did you want to know about horcruxes a few months ago?"

Regulus almost breathed a sigh of relief, when he realised Severus' suspicions were the same as his, "You think the locket is a horxcrux?"

"I would not put it past the Dark Lord," Severus said, turning his eyes to Regulus.

Regulus nodded, "Yes, I…I had suspicions. You know the Dark Lord has been hinting at immortality the past few months, ever since you told him about that prophecy."

Severus sighed and shook his head, walking by him and sitting down on the chair. He nodded down at Kreacher, "You had better ensure he does not discover that the elf lives. If he finds out that you are aware of his plan…" he stopped, the consequence not needing to be voiced.

Regulus nodded, looking back at his faithful elf, who was beginning to calm fully, "Yes…yes, I shall keep him hidden," he addressed the elf, "Kreacher, you are to speak of this to no one, do you understand me?"

"Yes Master Regulus; Kreacher understands."

"Good, return home and hide; do not let anyone see you. Do not answer to anyone but me; do you understand?"

"But the Good Mistress…"

"Of course, answer to your masters, but keep yourself hidden from any others; no other person must see you. And remember you must not speak of this to anyone."

"Yes, Master Regulus," the elf nodded and, with a crack, disapparated.

Regulus walked over and sat on the couch opposite Severus. His friend cast him a weary glance but said nothing; "What should we do?" he said.

Severus' closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the chair, "Nothing."

"Nothing?" Regulus breathed in disbelief, "Nothing! He's made a horcrux, for Merlin's sake, we can't do nothing!"

"If anything it is even more reason to be obedient," Severus snapped, "He is most likely already suspicious of you; he will be watching you. Lucius is concerned; he believes you will act on your disloyalty." He leaned forward, "Regulus, five people had attempted to defect in the past six months and none of them have lived. If the Dark Lord has created a horcrux, then he is immortal. And there is nothing that either of us can do; it is too late."

"No," Regulus shook his head, although he knew it was true. If they could not get to the locket, if they could not destroy it then there wasn't anything they could do; there wasn't anything anyone could do; "We could go after it."

"To what end? We will either be drowned by Inferi, killed by the curse that has undoubtedly been placed upon the object or die a very humiliating, very painful, slow death for our deception."

"We have to…"

"There is nothing we can do," Severus stood, "Do not be foolish, Regulus." He noticed that Severus was paler than usual; "The situation is hopeless."

Regulus sighed and had a feeling that the defeatist attitude he was demonstrating had more to do with his failed romance with his mudblood than with the issue at hand, "If we do nothing, the Dark Lord is going to win this war."

"He's going to win anyway," Severus said, his voice tight.

"For fuck's sake, Severus!" Regulus snapped angrily, "Don't be such a coward; we have to…"

"I am not a coward," Severus said lowly, "I am being practical. Acting against the Dark Lord would be a very foolish move; a hopeless cause."

Regulus glared at him and then turned sharply, leaving the house. He had expected Severus to be difficult; that he would reject the idea. But he had still hoped; particularly now that it was very obvious that his suspicions had been right. The Dark Lord had made a horxcrux; he was immortal. The wizarding world was doomed if someone didn't do anything to destroy it.

* * *

It had been over a fortnight since Regulus had shown up on his doorstep with the distressed elf; and what they had learned had stuck with him, his thoughts a whirlwind and he still was unsure what to do with the information. Severus sighed and leaned back in the couch; it was possibly his worst nightmare come true. To learn that the Dark Lord was invincible; that he would live forever, could not be killed. It took several nights for the gravity of the situation to sink it; when Lily had shown up at his house that Friday evening and he had realised that he would never have a chance with her. The baby didn't matter, the marriage to Potter didn't matter; she was on the losing side, fighting a lost cause. The Dark Lord would win; and she would be in grave danger when that finally happened. He wanted her to leave; to go somewhere, anywhere. To hide among the muggles in another country, as far away from the Dark Lord as she could get. He suggested it to her and she had laughed and shook her head, assuming he was joking.

He glanced over at it; it was the fourth time she had visited since the revelation. He treasured the short time he had with her; the moments at the end of the day when he could sit and watch television or talk about potions or spells with her. Let the rest of the world fall apart around them, while they remained safe and isolated from it all in his muggle home.

But the reality of the situation hung heavily over the two of them during these times; the war, their failed relationship, the fact that she was married and had a child. Said things were never spoken of, never verbally addressed, but they were there. Sometimes she would touch his arm or knee as she spoke, and then would blush and withdraw it awkwardly when she realised what she had done. There were tentative kisses goodnight on the cheek, the occasional hug. Underlying each action was the fact that they wanted more; he wanted to kiss her, to touch her and hold her. To ask her to stay.

Lily looked over at him, "Are you okay?"

He was startled out of his thoughts and frowned a little, "Yes, of course."

"You…you seem distracted," she said, cautiously, "Are you sure?"

He nodded, "Yes, I am fine. There is some additional pressure from…it shall all settle down soon enough," he said, letting the statement hang in the air. She gave a small smile in response and nodded.

He glanced towards the clock; it was almost midnight. She tended to stay later on Fridays, when her brat stayed with her in-laws, and he couldn't help but wonder what her pathetic excuse for a husband was up to that evening. As far as he knew he never questioned where his wife snuck off to on these visits; did not even suspect that she may be interested in someone other than himself. Severus smirked a little but it faltered; after all, it was not as if anything _was_ going on between him and Lily. They were just friends; he looked over at her. He couldn't help but wonder why she wanted to spend so much of her free time with him.

"Thank you for teaching me the counter curse for Sectumsempra," her voice broke into his thoughts again.

He nodded, "You are welcome. I suggest you teach it to your husband; or perhaps someone more sensible, in case you should need it used on yourself."

She smiled and nodded, lowering her eyes.

"Is the colic potion still working?" he asked, though knew it was a stupid question because if it wasn't she would have already mentioned it.

"Yes, it's wonderful," Lily said, her smile brightening, "He's sleeping better now, even more so than he was when he was first given it."

"Good."

She glanced over at the clock, "I should probably go. James will be expecting me back by now."

Severus nodded and stood, not bothering to ask what lie she had told him this time about where she was going, "Alright." She stood as well, as he walked into the kitchen, to the back door. He turned when he reached it and she, who had been following, also stopped and smiled up at him.

"It was good to see you," she said, warmly.

He swallowed and then nodded, "Likewise."

She smiled brightly at that and leaned up, pressing her lips to his cheek, "I'll see you again soon."

"Very well."

"Goodnight," she smiled and then turned, pulling open the door and stepping out into the chilly October night. He sighed as the door shut behind her; the loss of her presence allowing reality to seep back into his mind.


	42. Destiny Comes a Knocking VII

Chapter Thirty Five

Lily glanced over at the crib, where Harry was sleeping peacefully, then over at the clock which read half past midnight. She shook her head and snuggled in further beneath the cold covers of her bed; once again going to sleep alone, before her husband had even returned home. She sighed and wondered if, just maybe, it was because the Order had been called out to work; an impromptu raid, perhaps. But she knew that it was unlikely; she had come across Remus earlier that day in Diagon Alley when he had sheepishly let slip that Sirius was having the boys round for a poker game. Having not seen James since the previous evening, she had been unable to ask him whether or not he was going; it seemed that he was.

She scowled at the wall opposite; how could he be so thoughtless? For all she knew he could be dead or captured, being tortured by Death Eaters following a raid. But no; that was not possible, he insisted. He would be fine; everything would be fine; everything was fine and dandy according to him. She shook her head and closed her eyes, attempting to drift off, to no avail. She sighed and rolled over, staring up at the ceiling. It seemed she saw less of James now than she did before they were married; perhaps because when they did see one another they had so little to say to one another, other than the occasional comment about Harry or the war, or perhaps because the most emotional exchanges that went on between them was when they were fighting.

She sighed again; Severus came to mind as he so often he did these days; she had found herself longing for Fridays, when James' parents would take Harry for the night and she would sneak off to Spinners End to spend the evening with him. Just to see him; to be close to him. It was awkward at times; occasionally even painful when she was with him. But the moments of smiles, talking, the kisses goodnight; moments of gold that made those other times worthwhile. And she knew well enough that she shouldn't be feeling this way; that she shouldn't try to think of excuses to go to Manchester and drop Harry off with her mother, just so she could grasp an hour or so of his company. It wasn't fair; she had no idea what he was thinking, how he felt about the situation. And she could only hope that he felt as she did; that he wanted to be around her.

She heard the door open and slam close downstairs. She quickly glanced towards the crib; to her relief Harry didn't stir at the sound. She felt a further rise of irritation at her husband as she heard him trod up the stairs; not considering that his three month old son might be asleep. She heard him approach the door and quickly rolled onto her side, facing away from him, just as it opened.

"Lily?" he whispered loudly, "Are you asleep?"

_Well I wouldn't be now, if I had been! _She felt her irritation increase and said nothing, keeping her eyes closed. She heard him tearing off his robes before she felt him climb into bed beside her. She flinched when his freezing arms slid around her waist.

"James!" she hissed, "You're freezing; get off!"

"Sorry," he mumbled, and she could smell the alcohol on his breath, "I forgot to leave a note this morning; I was at Sirius'."

"Yes, Remus told me," she replied, coldly, keeping her back to him.

"Were you worried about me?" his breath was against her neck.

She tensed, "If you were concerned about worrying me you would have taken the five minutes it takes to come home and tell me where you were," she said, tersely.

"Come on, don't be mad," he pressed his lips to her neck.

"Stop it, James, I was sleeping," she lied, "I'm tired."

"You're always tired," he protested.

"Keep your voice down," she hissed, her eyes going to the crib, "I wouldn't be tired if you had come home at a reasonable hour."

"We've already spoken about this; I'm not going to just stop hanging out with my friends because you're unhappy about it," his voice was lower, but angry, "You never cared before; why the change now? And besides, it's not like I'm the only one. You were out until midnight last Friday; how come the rules are different for you?"

Lily tensed, Severus once again coming to mind. She quickly pushed any guilt aside, "I was visiting my mother; not getting drunk with a bunch of sex-seekers."

"What, are you jealous?" he went on, "There were only guys there ton…"

"I'm not jealous," she snapped, angrily, "Just go to sleep James. It's late."

"It's only one o clock."

"Yes; and Harry will be up in four hours. So I need to sleep. Goodnight."

She heard him sigh before he rolled over, facing in the opposite direction. She swallowed as she felt the tears well-up in her eyes. She drew in a breath and closed her eyes, willing sleep to take her.

* * *

Severus awkwardly followed the elf up the stairs of Grimmauld Place; he had only been there once, the night that Regulus had suffered the Cruciatus for concealing his whereabouts, and it was perhaps only the fact that he had managed to save the boy's sanity that night that meant he was welcome in the house. The Black's were deeply prejudice against muggles and any of their descendants and he was sure that, had that event not taken place, he would have been turned away at the door; if he was lucky, with his bones still in tact.

The elf led him down the corridor and then knocked on the door, before peering in, "Master Regulus; a Mr Snape to see you." The elf immediately turned and motioned for him to go in.

Severus stepped in, his eyes immediately going to the Slytherin and pureblood supremacy items covering the walls and units. He raised an eyebrow at Regulus, who was lying comfortably on his bed. Regulus raised an eyebrow in return, saying nothing.

Severus cast a silencing charm over the room and then reached into his pocket, pulled out the several pieces of parchment he had brought with him, tossing them over to him; "Information on them is rare. The book I gave to you was one of the very few which have not been confiscated. It is almost impossible for any further information to be found, than what you have already learned."

Regulus had sat up during the statement, he unrolled the parchment and skimmed through it, "What's this?"

"It's the only other bits of information I have managed to find; I thought it may be useful to you, if you did decide to pursue this suicide mission. However, I should warn you that what you do manage to learn from the book and what I have just given you; it will not be all the information you need. The Dark Lord is not a fool; there will be numerous obstacles, curses and spells which will prevent anyone from coming upon it or destroying it. Obviously he has gone to a great deal to protect it, if he has enlisted the assistance of inferi."

Regulus glanced up at him, "Why are you helping me?"

"I am not helping you; I am giving you advice," Severus said, "And my advice is to leave it alone; do not act rashly. Over the past few months," he looked away, flushing a little, "I believe we have developed…some form of friendship?"

"Yeah, of course…"

"Good; I am glad you agree. And, as your friend, I ask that you do not do this. I do not want to see you dead; particularly when the case is so hopeless."

"But it's not hopeless…"

"Regulus, there is no way that you, even with my assistance, could even get your hands on this…thing without being killed, Nevermind actually being able to destroy it."

"If we do nothing then we sentence ourselves to serving him forever," Regulus snapped, quietly, with a glance at the door, "Can you live with that? Serving that…that lunatic for the rest of your life?" his eyes glinted, "What about your mudblood, huh? You think she would survi…"

"Do not talk about her," he spoke lowly, feeling his blood boil, "How _dare _you attempt to manipulate me through her."

Regulus seemed to back down, "Look, I'm sorry. But…but, please, Sev, I need your help."

Severus swallowed; he wanted to help. He did. There was nothing he wanted more that to rid the world of the Dark Lord. And what he had said about Lily struck him; because it was a fear he had had constantly since the night the elf had revealed what had happened to it. But hewas not a fool either; he knew there was no way they could destroy the horcrux; the Dark Lord was the most powerful wizard of his time. He would have taken the highest possible measures to protect this little piece of his soul; his road to immortality. He glanced over at Regulus, the boy's hopeful, desperate expression, and sighed;

"Regulus, I have given you all the help I can," he finally said, "That there is all I know; we do not even know if it is…what we think it is. We cannot be sure." Of course the argument sounded ridiculous; what else could it be, after all? But he was grasping at straws now; the eagerness of the boy before him was worrying and he was almost desperate to dissuade him from defecting. He knew the boy would not survive a week even if he was successful; destroying a horcrux would not result in the death of the Dark Lord.

Regulus' expression dropped and he glanced towards the door again, speaking quietly, "Look, I know you don't want to be involved in this any more than I do. Lucius wants out too; if we told him…"

"Absolutely not," Severus interrupted him, speaking firmly, "Do not involve him in this. He has a family to think about."

"Exactly!" Regulus stood, "He won't want Draco to grow up under the power of the Dark Lord…"

"The Malfoys will be perfectly comfortable under his reign," Severus responded, "Lucius is one of the Dark Lord's most trusted; Narcissa and Draco are safer if he does not know."

Regulus gave an exasperated sigh and looked away.

"You're still young, Regulus," Severus said, "Surely you do not want to die."

"Of course I don't want to die," Regulus responded, his voice quiet, and Severus was sure he caught the hint of a tremor in his voice. Severus sighed and placed a hand on the boy's shoulder;

"Just…don't do anything rash," Severus swallowed, "Think carefully before you do anything. I'll continue looking for more information; until then, please," _he couldn't believe he was actually pleading with the boy _"don't do anything. Just wait."

* * *

Severus glanced curiously around the small number of Death Eaters present; there were only five of them and it was a mixed group. Mixed in that Bellatrix Lestrange was there and she was not normally grouped with them; and also that there were only four of the eight from their original members. He glanced over at Lucius, who was also scanning the group with a curious expression; Barty Crouch Junior and Augustus Rockwood were the other two present.

At that moment the Dark Lord appeared and each of them took their turns to greet him; kissing the hem of his robes as they did so.

Once the familiar ritual had ended, the Dark Lord took a place between Lucius and Bellatrix; his eyes falling on each of them in turn; "You have been called here before me, as my most trusted of followers…"

Severus fought to hide his astonishment at the statement; _he _one of his most trusted?

"I have a task, an assignment of great significance; one that I would only trust with those of you whom I have here called today," he went on; Severus felt his stomach twist as he thought of what he and Regulus had discovered, of what the Dark Lord may ask of them.

"As all of you are already aware; I have been making further investigation into the issue of a prophecy which Severus Snape," he turned pointed eyes to him and gave a tiny, brief nod of acknowledgement, "informed me of several months ago. And I am very _pleased _to inform you all that I have now concluded my search…"

Severus felt himself become growingly uneasy and glanced across the circle at Lucius; who returned the look briefly before focusing his attention entirely upon the Dark Lord. He swallowed and attempted to push aside the sudden apprehension he was feeling, turning his own attention back to the Dark Lord.

"I do intend to rid the threat at my own hand," the Dark Lord went on, "However, I have enlisted your particular help in seeking said threat; and am sure that you will all do as required or suffer my _displeasure._"

"Several weeks ago I concluded that the threat was the infant child of Frank and Alice Longbottom," he carried on, "However, new evidence has come to my attention which has led me to question, and reject this conclusion. Of course I do still intend to deal with that child, but that shall be left to your fellow Death Eaters."

He glanced around them all, a gleam in his eye, "Your duty shall be far more important; you shall be the ones to seek out the true threat. That threat being the infant son of Order members, James and Lily Potter."

The Dark Lord spoke on; but time stood still for him. For a few, blissful moments the statement did not register; until he caught the eye of Lucius Malfoy, who watched him with a look of both concern and caution; and he was sure the ground had slipped from beneath his feet. And he was falling.

"This is no secret; I shall be informing your fellow Death Eaters in our future meetings…"

Severus swallowed hard and forced himself to remain in control; to reel in his emotions before the Dark Lord could pick up on them. He drew in a deep but silent breath, focusing his attention back on the Dark Lord, as he carried on his instructions. As he told them of their task; their task to hunt them down.

His stomach churned; his throat tightened. His mind refused to focus; to remain on what the Dark Lord was saying as the full brunt of the information hit him.

It was he who had heard the prophecy.

It was he who had informed the Dark Lord.

And in doing so, he had cast a death sentence over the person who meant the most in the world to him.


	43. Interlude VI

Interlude VI

_October 1978_

Severus drew in a deep breath as he stood in the large, darkened room, a definite chill in the air. The walls were dull concrete; not a window in sight. He was used to darkness; he preferred it. However in this particular instance, he would have preferred some light, a window so he would not feel so entrapped. Months, no years of consideration; it had led to this. He was here; waiting. Waiting in headquarters; the headquarters of the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters. It had only been a couple of minutes since Lucius had left the room, leaving him alone; but it felt longer. A great deal longer; he felt his stomach twist, clench. Would he survive the encounter? He swallowed and drew in another deep, steadying breath; summoning all the occlumency skills he had managed to teach himself over the years.

A moment later the door sprang open and a tall, cloaked figure, face concealed from his view, strode into the room. A pale hand waved a wand before him and a large, stone chair appeared as if from nowhere in front of him. Severus swallowed as the figure, whom he knew well enough was the Dark Lord, swept by him and seated himself before him. A moment later the hood was swept from the man face, revealing a pale, sallow face; the whites of his eyes yellow, the pupils not quite brown, almost an orange colour as they glared back into his.

Severus felt the immediate violent attack on his mind and, reflexively, his occlumency barriers slammed into place. He noticed the Dark Lord's eyes narrow, as he withdrew from his mind, as he leaned back further in his chair.

"You are, I trust, Severus Snape?"

He nodded, "Yes." And then wished he had said nothing, for there was an obvious nervous tremor in his voice that mortified him.

The Dark Lord looked unimpressed; "Very well." He waved his wand again and a small table appeared next to him; he snapped his fingers and an elf appeared, holding a tray with a jug and a glass upon it. The elf shuffled up, sliding the tray onto the table, and disapparated immediately. The Dark Lord lifted the jug and poured a clear liquid into the glass; and Severus suddenly had the terrifying thought that it contained veritaserum. His fears were allayed, however, when the man before him lifted the glass to his own lips, taking a long drink, before placing the glass back on the table.

"What do you wish to know, Severus Snape?"

Severus almost started at the unexpected question, "Um…excuse me?"

The Dark Lord's eyes narrowed, again signalling his displeasure, "I am sure you heard me very well."

"I…" Severus hesitated, "I believe I know all I should need to, Sir."

"Sir?" the Dark Lord smirked suddenly; a truly horrific sight, "'My Lord' shall do very nicely, boy."

Severus pushed down his own reflexive anger at the term; the Dark Lord immediately picked up upon it.

"Ah, I see you do not particularly care for that form of address; shall I call you young man? Lucius' protégé? Perhaps 'Sir'?"

Severus swallowed, his nerves increasing.

"How old are you, Severus Snape?"

"Eighteen…my Lord."

"Young."

Severus fought not to frown; as far as he knew Lucius had been the same age when he had joined. There were some who had joined at an even younger age! Sixteen, for Merlin's sake!

He felt his mind being invaded again and forced himself not to fight it; instead to carefully hold back any memories, any images that should not be revealed. The Dark Lord left his mind abruptly; once again his eyes were narrowed.

"Your loyalties are conflicted; both Light and Dark magic lies within you, both demand to be seen. You have an aptitude for the Dark Arts, perhaps; but there is a great deal of light within you."

Severus did frown that time, "I beg your pardon, my Lord?"

"Eighteen years old; and yet you have the ability to produce a patronus."

Severus felt his breath catch and swallowed, "I can, my Lord."

"Yes," the Dark Lord nodded, "And why would a young, talent wizard, so adept at _Light _magic possibly want to align himself with myself and my Death Eaters?"

Severus was quiet for a moment, wondering if the question was rhetorical; "I…"

"Lucius has informed me of your skills within the Dark Arts also," the Dark Lord went on, not even acknowledging his attempt at a response, "Tell me, Severus, is it true that you have the ability to invent spells? That you are the creator of levicorpus, astranguhostis; the creator of sectumsempra?"

"I am, my Lord."

The Dark Lord's lips seemed to twitch at the sides, "I have also been told that, not only did you invent these spells; but that you also know how to counter them. Is this true?"

"It is, my Lord."

For the first time the Dark Lord seemed impressed; but only mildly. He leaned back in his seat; "Widely used spells among the Death Eaters, I am sure you are aware. And only eighteen; it is quite incredible," the Dark Lord was quiet for a moment before he smirked, "And only a half-blood, too."

Severus could feel his fury boil within him; so many memories coming back to him at once. Staring as his blood dripped into the kitchen sink; confessing his heritage to Lucius Malfoy as a first year; _"it makes no difference"; _Cadence's face as…

"Ah yes," the Dark Lord spoke softly, "I had almost forgotten; the younger brother of Cadence. A descendent of the Princes; a very noble family. You must be so…proud."

Severus held is look, "I am." He had felt bold; felt the need to prove himself, before the familiar feeling of unworthiness managed to wash over him. But a mere second after the statement, he wished he could take it back; and fully braced himself for the Cruciatus.

The Dark Lord nodded slowly; "Tell me, Severus Snape; why are you before me today? Why do you wish to join an organisation so decidedly against the blood of your own father?"

Severus straightened, "I am here to serve; to repent for the disgrace brought upon me by my blood."

The Dark Lord only kept his eyes on him for a moment, saying nothing; looking unconvinced.

"No."

Severus felt his stomach clench with anxiety.

"No; that is not why you are here," the Dark Lord said, resting his arms on the arm rests of his chair.

Severus kept his eyes on the Dark Lords; "I am here to repent; to give my skills to you, to your cause…"

"And in return?"

"In…in return?"

"Yes," the Dark Lord nodded, "What do you expect in return for your skills? What do you expect to gain from your repentance?"

Severus looked confused for a moment before drawing in a breath; "Respect."

The Dark Lord looked contemplative.

"My blood is unworthy," he went on, "My heritage unforgivable; my skills are all I have. I give them to you; I give myself to your cause. If the world will loathe me for my blood; I will _make_ it respect my abilities." He spoke with a firmness he did not know he had within him; as the Dark Lord lifted a clenched fist, touching his knuckles to his lips, his eyes keenly regarding him.

After a few moments the Dark Lord's head dipped in a small nod, as he leaned forward; a smile tugging at the side of his lips.

"You have a determination in you I have not seen in a long time, Severus Snape," he spoke quietly, his eyes glaring into his; then he called out, "Lucius."

The door opened immediately and Lucius walked into the room; coming to stand by him. Severus noticed the older an glance over him with a look of concern, before turning his attention to the Dark Lord.

"Lucius," the Dark Lord drawled, leaning back in his chair once again, "Lucius you have surprised me. You have brought me a most…interesting follower; a most _impressive _young man," he kept his eyes on Severus as he spoke; "Yes; yes, I must say I am impressed. You will be rewarded, of course. You still wish to sponsor this boy, I am sure?"

"Yes, my Lord."

The Dark Lord stood and Severus forced himself not to step back. The man held out a pale hand; "Give me your arm, Severus."

Severus frowned, "My…my arm?"

"Yes," the Dark Lord hissed, impatiently. Severus immediately held it out; it remained there for less than a second, before his wrist was gripped tightly and the sleeve of his robe tugged up. He swallowed and flinched as the Dark Lord lifted his wand; it remained in the air, positioned threateningly above his arm for a mere moment before it was brought down, pushed mercilessly into the flesh of his forearm. He cried out as the pain seared through him; a pain he had never experienced, burning into him. He watched as a skull appeared, a snake weaving out of its mouth; beginning red, turning black. He gasped as the wand was ripped back from his arm; as the black mark slowly faded from black, eventually settling as a red branding against his pale forearm.

As he stared down upon the mark branded upon him; one person's face came to mind. _Her _face came to mind. His stomach clenched again; this time for an entirely different reason. He swallowed and raised his eyes to the Dark Lord's.

The Dark Lord smiled slowly; "Welcome, Severus Snape."


	44. Atonement I

Chapter Thirty Six

A knock at the door indicated her arrival; a visit he usually longed for. This time he had dreaded it; since the private meeting he and the few other Death Eaters had shared with Voldemort he had hoped that she wouldn't show. That something would come up to prevent it. He swallowed and stood, making his way to the back door. He reached up, preparing to open the door, before his hand paused on the doorknob and he hesitated. He couldn't do it. He couldn't face her.

She knocked again, louder this time.

Severus swallowed, his hand tightening around the object beneath his fingers. He heard her footsteps move away from the door, the sound of pebbles being disturbed as she made her way to look through the living room window. The curtains were closed, she wouldn't see anything. He heard her knock on the window next and her soft voice call out;

"Sev?"

He closed his eyes, his guilt intensifying unbearably as he heard her voice. He expelled a shaky breath and let go of the door handle, taking a few steps back from the door as he heard her approach once again. Her footsteps stopped outside the door but no knock came that time. He kept still, careful not to make any sound, and wondered if she was going to wait on the doorstep until he returned. It wouldn't be the first time.

A moment later he heard her footsteps retreat and was overcome with a mixture of relief and disappointment. Was this how it was going to be from now on? He was sure she would be confused, perhaps even hurt that he hadn't been there. Then again, she would most likely put it down to the Dark Lord; it wouldn't be the first time their duties had altered their plans.

And she would be back. Probably later that evening, concluding that he would return sooner of later. Unable to deal with another incident such as this one, Severus walked determinedly towards the door and pulled it open quietly. He glanced quickly at the garden and, sure that she was gone, headed out and dissapparated. He would be safe from her at Malfoy Manor.

………….

"Watch it, kid!" Regulus laughed, as he quickly moved to avoid the spray of vomit Draco had produced as a result of being tossed in the air by his mother's cousin.

"Regulus, stop that," Narcissa said, disapprovingly, before calling on a house elf to clean up the mess.

"Oh, he's fine, Cissy," Regulus grinned, bouncing the baby on his hip. He sat down on the couch next to her, turning Draco to face him on his knee. He grinned as he bounced his knees up and down, drawing out a delighted squeal from the infant.

A house elf, Dobby, appeared and announced the arrival of Severus. Regulus glanced up from the baby in surprise; he was the last person he expected to see. He had been made aware of recent developments in the Dark Lord's search for the 'threat' several days ago and, since then, had actively avoided his friend. Not only was Severus' attitude likely to be unpredictable, at best, but he was also growing tired of his friend's devotion to a woman who offered him absolutely nothing in return. As far as he was concerned, Severus should wash his hands of her and get on with things more important.

"Hello Severus," Narcissa smiled warmly at him as he entered the room. Her cousin was, of course, completely unaware of the events that were currently going on. Regulus knew that Lucius wanted to keep Narcissa as far out of this war as possible. He glanced at Severus and took in his friend's gloomy appearance; the dark bags under his eyes as if he hadn't slept for days, the haunted look in his eyes. Then again, Severus had always looked pretty miserable.

Severus nodded his acknowledgement to her, "Narcissa, how are you this evening?"

"I'm very well, thank you," she made a gesture to alert him to the vomit on the floor the house elf was just returning to deal with, "As you see, Regulus has been tormenting my son again," she cast a teasing glance at her cousin.

Regulus grinned, glanced only briefly at Severus, and turned his attention back to the infant. He noticed Severus remain standing for a few moments before he settled himself in the chair nearest the window.

"Did you come to see Lucius?" Narcissa continued, as she turned to the house elf, "Dobby, bring us some more tea."

"Yes, but not for any particular reason," Severus said, looking slightly uncomfortable.

Regulus glanced over at him and met his eyes. He hesitated a moment and then gave him a nod, before turning his attention back to Draco.

"Well, you know you are always welcome," Narcissa smiled, though surprise was evident in her voice. She turned to Regulus and lifted Draco from his lap, "If you'll both excuse me, it's time for Draco's feeding. Help yourselves to any refreshments," she nodded at the elf, which had returned with said refreshments, "I'll only be a few moments." With that she left the room.

Regulus leaned back on the couch, clearing his throat as he attempted to think of something to say. He cracked his knuckles as he addressed him, "So."

Severus' eyes lifted from the floor to meet his, "So?"

Regulus glanced at the door, before leaning forward slightly, "I heard about Lily's kid."

He noticed Severus' tense somewhat in his chair, offering no other response.

"You alright?" Regulus continued, his voice low.

Severus kept his eyes on his for a moment before looking away, "I am fine."

The lack of sarcastic retort surprised Regulus somewhat, but he was careful not to let it show, "I'm sorry."

Severus gave a humorless smile and met his eyes, "No you're not."

Regulus straightened, slightly offended, "You know I don't want people to get hurt, especially not babies," he hissed, quietly, "And, believe it or not, I am sorry. Sorry for you. Especially the fact that after the hell she put you through, you're still…"

"Just shut up, Regulus," Severus snapped at him.

"No! It's about time you heard it; she's not worth it."

Fire flashed in Severus eyes as he made to snap his reply, but he was halted when the door opened once again and Lucius strode into the room. He raised an eyebrow at his new guest,

"Good evening, Severus."

"Lucius," Severus nodded, attempting to reign in the fury he was feeling.

"Am I interrupting something?" Lucius looked between the two of them.

"No, of course not," Severus returned calmly.

Lucius looked unconvinced, "Nevertheless, I do had something to add." He sat down on the vacant chair to Regulus right, opposite Severus. He kept his eyes coolly on Severus as he continued, "I do hope you aren't planning on doing anything stupid, Severus."

Severus eyes narrowed, "I'm not sure what you mean."

"You know what I mean," Lucius returned, his tone as if he were discussing something as trivial as the weather, "Like Regulus said; she's not worth it."

Regulus watched Severus' expression darkened slightly but he answered only with a sardonic, "I shall try to control myself."

"I am serious, Severus," Lucius said, warningly.

Severus met his look evenly but said nothing.

"Severus, will you stay for dinner?" Narcissa's voice broke the tension, as she breezed into the room. Regulus immediately took the infant from her arms, while she kept her attention on Severus. Severus appeared to hesitate for a moment, glancing between Lucius and Regulus, before he smiled and nodded;

"Thank you, I would like that."

……………………

Severus almost broke the hinges of the door as he slammed it shut behind him, making his way back into his own home in Spinners End. He couldn't remember the last time he had been so angry; so _furious_. How _dare _Regulus think he could speak to him that way; that he would even have the nerve to bring up the situation with Lily. He had to know how it was affecting him.

And Lucius as well; the man had spent the whole night making passive aggressive warnings at him. As if he thought he was some sort of idiot; it's not as if there was anything he _could _do now that the Dark Lord had targeted her. He stormed into the kitchen, not caring that he bumped against the table and knocked several books onto the floor as he did so.

He was so sick of this; of everything. Of being helpless; useless. Completely out of control of his own life. Could it have really been in the same year that he had been so happy? That he had had Lily and everything he had ever wanted? He leaned his palms against the kitchen counter, bowing his head. Could he really be the one responsible for placing her under such terrifying danger? And could he really be such a coward that he had resorted to hiding at Death Eaters houses as a means of avoiding her?

A flash of white out the corner of his eyes caught his attention. He turned his head, looking at the item tucked beneath the frame of the back door. A note. He frowned slightly and then sighed, knowing well enough who it was from. He strode over and lifted the muggle paper from the floor, unfolding it as he did so.

_Severus,_

_I came by a couple of times tonight. I assume you were busy with something else. I'll come by again next week, unless something else prevents me. Or you. I'm sorry to have missed you._

_L. x_

He sighed again as he felt a tightening in his stomach; guilt, disappointment, sadness. He desperately wanted to see her. Wanted to hold her in his arms and tell her that everything would be alright. But then, he couldn't even tell her that everything was about to go to hell.

He swallowed and reread the note before him. The familiar handwriting stirring a determination within him that had been lacking for so long.

He had to do something stupid. He _would _do something stupid. He had to keep her safe.

……………….

It's been a long time since I updated this and I'm very sorry to all the great reviewers I left hanging. I had a couple of other chapters written (which have now been re-written) earlier but, because I knew I was about to hit a major case of writers block, I never posted them, thinking the previous chapter was a good place to break. My Harry Potter familiarity has become a little rusty since the previous chapter but hopefully there weren't any major errors. If I did, feel free to point them out so my mind can be refreshed. I hope those who read it enjoyed this chapter.


	45. Atonement II

Chapter Thirty Seven

Severus stood anxiously next to Lucius and Regulus as the Dark Lord addressed them. He would do it today; now. It was the perfect opportunity; here he was, finally being accepted as a Death Eater completely. Lucius' sponsorship no longer required. It was perfect; he had proven himself loyal and useful. He had provided him with the prophecy; it was the best time, if there ever was such a thing, to make his request of the Dark Lord. He attempted to steady his breathing, while ignoring his racing heart, and focus completely on what his master was saying.

"As such, your sponsorship is no longer required, Lucius," the Dark Lord concluded, before he turned a disdainful eye on Regulus and his dismissively tone changed to one of displeasure, "At least, regarding Severus."

Severus notice Regulus shift uncomfortably, before bowing his head in a show of shame.

"But I'm sure that your second protégé will soon prove himself, as Snape has," the Dark Lord added, his tone threatening, rather than reassuring.

Severus saw Regulus swallow, before he responded, dutifully, "Yes, my Lord."

"Lucius, you are no longer accountable for the actions of Severus," the Dark Lord continued, his tone back to that of calm indifference. He leaned further back in his chair, "Now, if there is nothing else…"

Severus, drawing on every ounce of determination and bravery he had within him, cleared his throat and spoke firmly, "My Lord…" he was mortified to hear his voice shake and quickly steadied it, "If I may…there is something else."

The Dark Lord's eyes immediately flew from Lucius' to his, his red eyes almost startling the carefully planned words from his mind. He swallowed and awaited his master's response.

"Something else?"

"Yes…yes, My Lord," Severus continued, ignoring the confused looks Regulus and Lucius sent his way, "I have a request."

A heavy silence filled the room. A request. Something that, as far as he knew, was not something that was ever made of the Dark Lord. His heart thudded in his chest and he forced himself to picture Lily; to remember what he was doing this for, _who _he was doing this for.

"A request?" the Dark Lord finally spoke, his tone dangerous whilst laced with curiosity. He sat straighter, his lip curling, revealing his yellow teeth, "Why, Severus, you have intrigued me. Do continue."

Severus swallowed nervously and proceeded, "I…I was given the impression that…if someone were to serve you well, they were entitled to be rewarded." Severus broke off, the ludicrousness of his words hitting him. He would be lucky if he was not struck down instantly for his impertinence.

"Is the removal of your sponsorship not reward enough for you, Snape?" the Dark Lord's voice was darker than before.

"Yes…yes of course, my Lord," he stumbled over his words and felt himself grow hot, but persisted, "Of course, I understand completely if you cannot grant me this request." He glanced over at Lucius and immediately picked up on the stern warning present within his eyes; a warning not to go through with what he was doing. And he realized that Lucius knew well enough what his request was going to be. He tore his eyes from him, back to the Dark Lord, who was now regarding him threateningly.

"Continue."

"It regards the prophecy, my Lord," Severus wondered if any other Death Eater had said the words 'my Lord' as often as he had said within the past minute, "The Potters."

The Dark Lord's eyes darkened further and he stood from his position, "The Potters?" he repeated, quietly. He regarded him silently for a moment, "Do you mean to tell me you wish for me to spare the family, Severus?" His voice was low.

"No!" Severus quickly blurted out, then steadied himself, repeating more calmly, "No. My request regards Li…the woman. Lily Evans…Potter. My request regards her." He noticed Regulus' eyes positively bulge within his head but the boy was sensible enough to conceal his…what? Horror? Astonishment? Disgust?

Severus, determined to focus only on the issue at hand, kept his eyes firmly on the Dark Lord's chin.

"The woman," the Dark Lord repeated, his tone suddenly laced with mirth, "The mudblood?"

Severus slammed his occlumency barriers as hard into place as he possibly could before proceeding, "Yes, my Lord. The mudblood."

When the Dark Lord only continued to regard him with, what appeared to be amusement, Severus continued, "I…believe that it is only the infant who is the true threat. I ask that…" he hesitated, wondering how best to word the upcoming request. His carefully planned words from earlier completely gone; "I ask that she be given to me. A prize." He cringed inwardly at the word but forced himself to maintain his steady demeanor.

"A prize?" the Dark Lord repeated, his lip curling once again, "And what do you intend to do with this…prize?"

Severus swallowed, assuming the question was rhetorical, and remained silent.

"There are plenty of other, pure-blooded females," the Dark Lord went on, "Who, I'm sure, would be more that willing to…_satisfy _these desires, Severus."

Severus felt his face burn but forced himself to remain composed, "My Lord, this girl…I…she believes herself to be above us. She and I…that is, we were once…acquainted," his mind stumbled over his words, as he attempted to grasp at something that made sense, something his master would understand, "She believed herself above me. I want to make her see that she was wrong…" he hesitated, then added something he was sure the Dark Lord _would _understand, "I want to make her suffer."

The Dark Lord's eyes flashed dangerously and his lip curled again, appearing to him as a snarl. He continued to regard his servant, while Severus kept his eyes trained on his master's chin, putting everything he knew of occlumency into practice.

"Look at me," the Dark Lord hissed.

Severus immediately raised his eyes to his master's, ensuring that one particular memory, the memory outside the Gryffindor common room, was forefront in his mind. Letting him see it, as well as several other memories of her rejection, meanwhile keeping back any that revealed their changed relationship that followed.

A moment later, the intrusive feeling left him and the Dark Lord seemed to smirk. He remained quiet, regarding Severus with an amused glare before he finally spoke;

"I understand your reasons for wanting this mudblood to suffer," he stated, then added, "Do you not believe that death would be the best form of punishment for her conceit?"

Severus fought the urge to roll his eyes; the idea that death was the worst fate one could face. The Dark Lord was obsessed with immortality; Severus knew, though, that there were fates much worse than death. However, he had to be careful how he proceeded; as far as he knew, he had managed to find a matter that his master understood and he had to be careful not to shake that. He was suddenly struck with the fact that he hadn't yet said no; nor had he scoffed or used the Cruciatus on him. He had a chance, a real chance, to save Lily.

"While death is something to be feared, my Lord," Severus formed his reply, "I believe that living imprisoned, unable to fight for the cause she has devoted herself to…that, I believe, would be a far more effective method. There is nothing that would cause her more suffering, than being stripped of her freedom."

The Dark Lord contemplated this for a moment before he finally spoke, "I am sure you are aware, Severus, that Mrs Potter was once approached by us. And that she rejected an offer to join us."

Severus nodded in confirmation; he had known that.

"I had been given the impression that she would be a valuable asset to our cause."

Severus quickly seized the opportunity, "Yes, my Lord, I believe so. She is very capable in potions, as well as Defense. She would be very useful."

"And do you believe, Severus, that if I were to offer you this _prize_," he sneered, "That you would be able to control her? Perhaps, even, convince her – by whatever means possible – to abandon her allegiance to Dumbledore and the other side?"

_Never. _"Yes."

The Dark Lord also looked doubtful but did not seem entirely indifferent. He kept his eyes on Severus' once again, no doubt using legilimency. A moment later he seemed to come to a decision;

"Very well, Severus."

Severus frowned slightly, not quite sure, not quite able to believe the words that had left his master's mouth, "My Lord?"

"You may have your prize," the Dark Lord clarified, "Under the condition that she does not become a nuisance to me. Even I cannot deny the information you have brought me has been invaluable."

Severus was sure he was dreaming; his mind raced, while his head spun, his stomach fluttered, while his legs became unsteady, "Th…thank you, my Lord."

The Dark Lord gave a wave at the three off them, dismissing them curtly. The Death Eaters back away, before turning and leaving the room.

* * *

"Are you insane?" Lucius furious voice filled the living room of Malfoy Manor, "Have you lost your mind?"

Severus only stared back at him, unresponsively. Regulus was sure he could see the trace of a smile on his lips.

He had been silently asking the same questions since they had left the meeting. After all, Severus _had _to be insane to do what he had just done. Never had he ever heard of anyone making a request of the Dark Lord; and, most definitely, never as impertinently as Severus had done when he began. How he had managed to get through it would bearing the effects of the Cruciatus or, in fact, the _Avada Kedavra _was beyond him. Obviously the Dark Lord valued Severus more than any of them had thought.

Lucius continued, his fury only seeming to increase with each passing moment, "Do you realize how close you were to revealing the truth to the Dark Lord?"

"Do not patronize me, Lucius," Severus replied, calmly, "I knew very well what I was doing."

"You arrogance is disgusting."

Regulus almost scoffed at that remark; arrogance was disgusting to Lucius? To _Lucius _of all people? He fought the sudden urge to laugh at the absurdity of both the statement and the situation at hand.

"…to believe that your occlumency skills rival the Dark Lord's skills in legilimency," Lucius was still speaking, "It is laughable!"

"Obviously not," Severus returned.

Regulus was sure that Lucius had never been more tempted to attack another human being than he was at that moment, judging by the clench fist and set jaw.

"Why did you do it?" Regulus finally spoke up, though his voice was quiet and barely demonstrated the shock and irritation he was feeling, "You lied right to his face. If he found out…"

"But he didn't."

"But why risk it?" Regulus snapped, his own anger coming to the surface, "For what? What's it going to take for you to give it up? To just let her go! For Merlin's sake, he could have killed you, Sev!"

Severus looked ready to retort but hesitated at the expression in his eyes. His expression softened slightly, "I just… had to do something."

"Why?" Regulus persisted, "Why did you have to do something?"

"Because I created this!" Severus stood from his chair, "Because it's Lily."

Regulus shook his head in disgust and walked over to the window, staring out at the Manor gardens. Lucius soft voice carried out over the silence;

"Yes, because it is Lily. The same girl who has turned her back on you, how many times is it now? The same girl who married your most despised enemy, _despite _the fact that she knew how you felt about her. And who now has a child with said person. Yes, Severus, yes. That is a wonderful reason to risk your life."

Severus' voice was bitter when he spoke, "You don't know anything about it."

"Oh no? By all means, enlighten me."

The silence that followed told Regulus that Severus had no intention of humoring Lucius' request. A moment later he saw Narcissa appear outside the gates to Malfoy Manor, infant in her arms, and make her way up the path towards the entrance. He smiled, pleased that he would get a chance to see Draco, before looking over his shoulder;

"Cissy's home."

Lucius and Severus' expressions both indicated that they were aware the conversation was over. And, as the silence continued, and Lucius made his way from the living room to greet his wife and son, Regulus was sure that same almost-smile he had seen earlier was once again playing on Severus' lips.


	46. Atonement III

Chapter Thirty Eight

Lucius was still fuming the following day when his sister-in-law turned up at the Manor, eager to proceed with the Dark Lord's assignment; the search for the Potters. He had been unenthusiastic, his mind still reeling over Severus' stupidity, along with his on-going concern that Regulus was going to do something equally foolish; at this point, he would be surprised if the boy decided to defect. Not that the expectation made the idea any more acceptable.

And so Lucius Malfoy's mind was completely wrapped up in the failings of his charges; though the responsibility towards Severus had been lifted, his concern had barely diminished. Thus, when Bellatrix had shown up requesting his assistance, he had agreed without much thought. And now he found himself standing in the childhood home of the woman responsible for his anxiety.

"Who are you?" the muggle woman's voice shook slightly, but she held her ground.

_Foolish, just like her daughter._

Lucius had come up against Lily Potter several times during the war; from what he had seen she was over-confident and impulsive in battle. She was often injured, though managed to avoid fatalities. He had no idea if she was the same way when not under the threat of life or death; either way, he simply did not see what Severus saw in her. In terms of outer-appearances she was, he supposed, easy on the eyes but she was by no means the beauty that some had professed. Even Regulus, he was sure, had once said so during his high school years.

Lucius did not see it; certainly she did not come close to Narcissa. Not in appearance, nor in character. Narcissa had unquestionable beauty, grace and stead-fast devotion to her family. A true lady. No traits of which he would attribute to Mrs Potter whom, he was sure, married a man whom she was not even in love with and continued to have a long-term affair with his enemy. Even if there was nothing physical going on, and he was certain there was, the fact that she, apparently, harbored feelings for him was unfaithful enough. Add to that the fact that she had an infant son whom she ought to consider and whom she should be giving her complete attention; Lily Potter was an embarrassment to wives and mothers everywhere!

"Where are they hiding?" Bellatrix repeated her question, her expression dark, her wand held threateningly before her.

Yes, Lily Potter absolutely disgusted him. While he did not hold James Potter in particularly high esteem, he firmly believed that all men deserved the devotion or, at the very least, the _respect _of their wife. Especially in this case; the woman was a mudblood, for Merlin's sake! That Potter would stoop so low as to even consider her ought to demand some respect, some gratitude! And the idea that such a woman could elicit such devotion, such adoration from his friend, someone so in control of themselves under normal circumstances, was mortifying. He couldn't believe the risks Severus was taking for her; she was absolutely _not _worth it.

Lucius continued to seethe silently, as Bellatrix proceeded to cast the Cruciatus on Lily Potter's mother, her screams unheard due to the silencing charm that had been passed prior to the torture. Looking at the woman, it was easy for him to imagine it was her daughter undergoing the treatment. Their facial features were the very similar, their hair colour almost identical.

The idea that it was Lily Potter receiving the treatment offered him some satisfaction; there was no mudblood he would love more than to torture this way. He knew enough of the torture she had put Severus through these past months to evoke his hatred; even then, he was sure he didn't know everything. Even the usually even-tempered Regulus had an unwavering loathing directed towards her. Obviously the boy knew a lot more about the treatment Severus had endured.

And yet Severus continued to remain blind.

The pointlessness of his and Bellatrix's being in the muggle home made him roll his eyes, as Bellatrix lifted the silencing charm, giving the woman her final chance to reveal the Potter's location. Obviously this woman was not going to give up the location of her daughter; if she was even acquainted with the Wizarding World at all. He knew all he had to do was sit outside Severus' home mere minutes away and wait for the little whore to show up; he was sure she would – sooner, rather than later.

"Avada Kedavra!"

Those two words started Lucius from his thoughts.

He found himself staring into the blank eyes of Lily Potter's mother. He stared at her for a few moments, before turning irritated eyes on his sister-in-law.

"Very well handled, Bellatrix," he uttered, "Your actions will no doubt alert the Order to the Dark Lord's intentions to seek out the Potters," he tucked his wand away, "Your reward is something much anticipated by us all."

"Oh shut up, Lucius," she snapped, also tucking away her wand, "We've been killing members of the Order's families for months; and they've been coming after ours."

Lucius did not respond, instead he made his way from the house, his mind remaining consumed with thoughts of Severus and his obsession with Lily Potter.

……………………

"…when I was an ugly duckling," Lily finished reading _The Ugly Duckling, _while Harry delightedly took in the brightly coloured pictures of the book before him. He attempted to turn his head unsteadily and gurgled at the loss of her voice. She smiled warmly at him and placed the book on the arm of the chair, turning and lifting him to eye level, "Hey, baby."

He gave her a beaming, toothless smile and she felt her heart melt as she drew him to her, kissing his cheek lovingly, "A charmer just like you're daddy, aren't you?" The baby made another sound as if in agreement.

She smiled and leaned back in the chair, allowing the baby to rest on his stomach against her chest. She smiled as his tiny hands pushed against her, allowing him to lift his chest and head so that he could curiously take in the rest of his surroundings from his new angle. She reached up and stroked his head gently. She couldn't believe how much she loved him; this tiny little person. Sometimes the fact that she had even created something so beautiful, so perfect astounded her.

She noticed his eyes land on something before he babbled again.

"What is it?" she grinned, glancing at the side table. She reached over, lifting his rattle, and sat them up straighter as she did so. Once she positioned him sitting on her knee, she handed the toy to him, which he quickly grasped and shook. She laughed softly at his delighted expression, then glanced over at the door as it opened and James stepped through.

She gave him a small smile in greeting, before turning her attention back to their son. She bounced him gently on her knee, "He's been good today."

"That…that's great, Lily."

Lily looked up with a frown at the strained tone of his voice. She immediately took in his slightly bended posture, the sadness in his eyes. She drew Harry closer, "Was it bad?" she asked, assuming something had happened on the field.

She saw him swallow, before he walked over and reached for Harry. She immediately handed the baby to him, who he kissed and greeted with forced cheerfulness before he placed him in his playpen. The baby made a noise of protest but, to her surprise, James ignored his whimpers and walked back over, sitting himself on the coffee table in front of her.

Her concern deepened when he reached for her hands, holding them gently in hers, "Lily…I…I was just in Manchester."

Her frown deepened, as several possibilities passed through her mind. Had he spoken to her mother? Had she said something about the state of their marriage? Something about Severus? Or…had something happened to her? She felt her heart thudding in her chest as her thoughts gradually became worse and worse.

"James," she whispered but couldn't form the question.

She noticed his expression become further grief-stricken, "Lil', I'm so sorry. It…it's your mum…"

She felt her breathing quicken, a lump forming in her throat, and she shook her head as she attempted to speak, to protest but no words came.

"It was the Killing Curse," he continued, quietly, "We…we don't know who…"

She shook her head, as her eyes welled up. She was killed because of _her _because of who she was; because of this damned war.

"No," her voice choked out the word, strangled. She felt James' hand against the side of her head, stroking her hair gently. She drew back from him and stood, her hands coming up to her hair. She heard James say something to her but didn't listen, couldn't make sense of the words. She pulled her arm back as he touched her and, after a moment in which her mind seemed to leave her, she turned and fled from the house. She had to get to Manchester.

……………………

Severus was sure that Lucius Malfoy wanted to kill him. While the man was civil to him when he spoke, a little use of legilimens meant that he was easily able to pick up on the fury that lay behind his friend's cool demeanor. But he hadn't been turned away when he had turned up on their doorstep once again; the place was beginning to become a place of solace for him. Seeing the Malfoys, together without complications, doting on their infant; it made life seem a little more bearable. Even more so, since it was a place that Lily definitely wouldn't be able to find him. He had done what he could; the Dark Lord would spare her. But he still couldn't face her.

Regulus' feelings were similar to Lucius', but the boy seemed determined to ignore them and treat him as he had always done. He was even getting playful with him, threatening to hand the baby to him, whom he was currently playing with. Severus was relieved; he hadn't realised how much he had come to appreciate his friendship with the boy until he thought he had lost it.

"Severus, will you be attending Evan Rosier's wedding this weekend?" Narcissa asked him.

_Merlin, no! _"I don't think so," he began, "I don't…"

"None of your excuses, you're going!" Regulus piped up with a grin, "Can't miss out on a good party, Sev. I can't even remember the last time we let our hair down."

Severus looked at the boy, slightly surprised. It had been a while since he had seen that spark in his eyes; ever since the night he had been sure the Dark Lord had created a horcrux, even before, he had seemed haunted. The childish energy he had always had seemed to have been drawn out of him. But, looking at him now, Severus felt as if he had been transported to the previous year, back when Regulus had always been begging him to come to a party, to a pub. He smiled, relieved at the boy's changed attitude, which greatly influenced what he said next;

"Uh, yes, I suppose I am," he nodded at Narcissa. She and Regulus both smiled brightly, while Lucius remained unresponsive.

"He has your smile, Cissy," Regulus said, as he dangled a toy in front of Draco.

She smiled, "He may have my smile, but it is barely recognisable in comparison to his similarities to his father."

Regulus laughed, "Maybe. But that just means he'll be a Black at heart." He kissed the baby on the head.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that, Black," Lucius replied with a smirk, finally sitting down on the couch.

"Would that be such a bad thing?" Narcissa raised an eyebrow at him.

Severus smiled genuinely as he felt himself relax completely, while they debated the merits of being a Malfoy and of being a Black. Their playful banter made him feel warmer, seemed to lift a weight from him. He really liked spending time at the Malfoys. The place almost felt like how he imagined home would be.

………………..

Lily stepped back from Severus' door, on which she had been banging for a good few minutes. Her breathing was quick, her movements shaky. She had rushed to her mother's house following James' revelation, though she had seen nothing. The police had been and the body had been removed; she had spent some time at the Police Station as they explained to her the circumstances surrounding her death. There had been no evidence of physical injury, obviously; therefore an autopsy would have to be performed. She hadn't heard them after that and had eventually left.

She couldn't go home. She knew where she wanted to be; who she needed to be with.

She had arrived at Severus' home an hour or so before, had knocked frantically. He hadn't been home, so she had sat on his doorstep and waited. She had cried in her mother's house; almost done so at the station. But when she had sat on the cold stone beneath her she had been numb; as if she had no tears left. She had waited for so long and then had stood up, banging on the door again.

She needed to see him. Why wasn't he home?

He must _know _what had happened. He was a Death Eater; if he was 'working' then he must know. Someone would have boasted about it!

Why, _why _had they targeted her mother? So far the only families of Order members that had been targeted were in the Wizarding World; muggles hadn't been worth the hassle. So why did her mother have to be the first?

She futilely hit his door again, feeling her eyes well up. The tears didn't fall though and she took a step back. She swallowed and turned, walking slowly, eyes haunted, as she headed down the garden. She didn't even check if anyone was looking before she dissapparated.

She looked up at her and James' home as its image steadied in front of her. She swallowed again, that lump in her throat still there, as she made her way slowly up the path. She barely remembered the journey up as she pushed open the door and stepped into the warmth of her home.

"Lil'?" a concerned voice called, before James quickly appeared around the corner that led into the kitchen. He looked visibly relieved and hurried over, "Lily! Thank Merlin! Are you alright?" His hands went to her shoulders.

"Um," she looked around with a from, her mind fuzzy, "Where…where's Harry?"

"He's at my parents. I asked them to take him for the night," he explained, gently touching her chin and turning her head to face him. She met his eyes, the deep concern in them seeming to break through to her. She bit her lip, felt it tremble beneath her teeth. Severus came to her mind for a mere moment, before her mind rationalised. James was here.

She felt the tears come to her eyes and spill over against her cheek, "James…"

"Shh," he reached up, caressing her hair, and pressed his forehead to hers. She collapsed against him, grasping his arms as her sobs began once again. He pulled her close and, for the first time in months, she let him, and sought the comfort she needed in his arms. The arms of her husband.


	47. Atonement IV

Chapter Thirty Nine

Evan Rosier's wedding was a grand affair; there was a representative from almost every pureblood family of the Wizarding World. Members of both the Dark Lord's ranks and the Order of the Phoenix were present; muggleborn sympathizers and those who despised them spoke amicably about the weather, the wedding, their families, their work. And every other topic of conversation with the exception of one: politics.

While the surface attitude of the wedding was bright, with an almost carefree atmosphere, there was a distinct tension lying beneath. While there were rumors circulating the Wizarding circles, no one was entirely certain who the Death Eaters were, who the muggle-sympathizers were. And, as such, no one was willing to enter into the uncomfortable discussion of the war.  
Everyone was suspicious, on edge, and few strayed from polite chit-chat with their acquaintances.

As such, Regulus kept close to his usual circle of friends; Severus, Lucius and Narcissa. He was unlikely to make any slips there, though their table was also occupied by other guests; his parents and his eldest cousin, Bellatrix, along with her husband.

"Cissy, where is my nephew?"

Narcissa glanced over at her sister and answered with a distant tone, "With Mother and Father."

Regulus was certain that Narcissa and Bellatrix did not get on. Or, at least, that Cissy did not appreciate her sister's company. He hadn't even started Hogwarts when Andromeda had fallen in love with a muggleborn and been struck off the family tree, but he had been old enough to remember that, before the event, Cissy and Dromeda had always been much closer to one another than either had been to Bella. In fact, he could clearly recall them referring to her as his 'crazy cousin Bella' when they had been babysitting him as a child. Obviously they both had questioned her sanity from a young age.

At that moment Severus sat down in the chair next to him, much to his relief, "Alright?"

Severus nodded, sliding one of the two glasses of firewhisky to him.

Regulus leaned towards him with a smirk, "I think Dolohov's about to get his balls busted." Severus glanced over his shoulder at the spectacle he was referring to; the man was evidently attempting to try it on with Lucy Gibbon, who was very clearly not interested in his advances. Severus turned back around with a smirk and took a drink from his glass. Regulus laughed and shook his head.

"Picture!" Narcissa suddenly said, lifting the camera from the table and pointing it towards them.

Severus hand immediately shielded his face, "I don't think so, Narcissa."

She laughed, "Come on, don't be shy. Regulus, budge in closer."

Regulus, grinning at Severus' reddened cheeks, reached over, tossed an arm around his neck and pulled him almost off his seat with a laugh, smiling at the camera as the flash went off. Regulus grinned brightly at Severus who rolled his eyes with a slight smile.

Narcissa laughed again and held the camera out to her younger cousin, "Here, take one of me and Lucius."

He took the camera from her and obliged, grinning at Lucius' exasperated expression when she insisted he take another, because she had sneezed during the first. He and Narcissa both took turns with the camera, while the chatter of the table continued. Regulus noticed with great satisfaction that Severus had appeared to relax somewhat, no longer as uptight as he usually was. Whether this was down to the firewhisky or the removal of a certain mudblood from his life, Regulus wasn't sure.

The evening continued with more joviality than Regulus had anticipated, as everyone seemed to forget that there was a war going on and their role in it. The earlier tension had seemed to evaporate as the hours passed, as conversations became more friendly, more playful.

And it was at this point that Regulus couldn't help thinking; what was the point of this war, anyway?

"Regulus!" Narcissa appeared at his side.

He grinned at her, "What's up, Cissy?"

"Well, as you see my husband is currently occupied on the dance floor…"

Regulus glanced over in Lucius' direction, noticing him engaged in a dance with his mother. He smirked slightly, as he attempted to guide the much larger woman around the floor.

"And this is one of my favourites," she added, with a playful grin.

Regulus made to offer her his hand when someone appeared at his side, "Hey, Regulus." He looked at the intruder and couldn't help the bright smile that spread across his face.

"Julia!" he stared at her for a moment, before he quickly came to his senses, "Hi! Um…have you met…this is my cousin, Narcissa Malfoy. Cissy, this is my…Julia…Julia Rosier."

He noticed Narcissa's teasing look as she turned to the woman who had interrupted them, "Actually we have met; hello, Miss Rosier."

"Mrs Malfoy," Julia returned with a polite smile.

"Um…Cissy and I were just about to…"

"No no," Narcissa quickly interrupted him, she glanced around and spotted Severus still seated with Bella and Rodolphus, "I believe I've found someone else," she gave Regulus a playful wink, confirming her intentions, before she headed off towards his friend.

Regulus laughed as he watched Severus being reluctantly drawn to his feet and led to the middle of the dance floor. Then he turned his attention back to the girl at his side. He felt his face grow hot when she returned the smile he still wore and cleared his throat.

"I was beginning to think you were ignoring me," she said, playfully.

"No…I just thought…what with it being your cousin's wedding," he spoke quickly, "That…you know, you might be…you know, busy with your family…or something." He felt his face grow even hotter at the stupidity of his words. This was ridiculous! He'd been dating this girl for months!

He cleared his throat, refusing the blush any further under the pleased grin of his companion, and held out his hand, "Do you want to dance?"

"Sure," she took his hand and followed him onto the floor, showing none of the nervousness he was feeling. As he maneuvered them around the dance floor, he noticed Severus and Narcissa talking animatedly, frequently glancing in his direction. Narcissa had obviously been informing him about the embarrassing introduction; he shot daggers at them with his eyes which only served to amuse them further.

"Is that your friend?" Julia spoke up.

"Hm?"

"Dancing with Mrs Malfoy," she clarified, "Severus, isn't it? The one you were telling me about?"

"Oh! Oh yeah," he nodded in confirmation, "That's Sev. You're lucky; you get to meet him in one of his better moods." She laughed lightly at that and he felt butterflies at the sound; and he wondered once again when he had went from casually dating her to blushing just at her glances.

He tentatively drew her closer to him and she followed. He could almost hear his parents' delighted thoughts that their youngest son had taken a fancy to a well-established, pureblooded girl. To be honest, he had had no idea who she was when he had met her several months ago. And couldn't even remember her the next time he had come across her, despite the fact that he had slept with her during that first meeting. He had managed to bluff his way through the second encounter and vowed to remember her since. After that, she had often approached him and he had humored her for a while. Now he was getting the feeling that it was _her _humoring _him._

The dance ended and he noticed Severus and Narcissa leaving the floor. To his relief, Lucius and his mother remained for the next dance, and he quickly seized the opportunity to introduce Julia to Severus without the interference of his mother. He grasped her hand and tugged her from the floor, following his friends.

"Hey! Sev!" he called. Both Severus and Narcissa turned at his call and both had a teasing light in their eyes. Regulus could count the number of times Severus had been playful with him on one finger and couldn't help the upturning of his lips, "This is Julia Rosier. Julia, this is Severus Snape."

As they shook hands Julia smiled brightly, "It's great to finally meet you. I've heard a lot about you."

Severus raised an eyebrow, "Well…I'm sure I've heard about you, too." He glanced briefly at Regulus. Regulus glared at him, at the obvious implication of his previous indiscretions and, as Julia began to look confused, quickly added;

"Yes. You remember, this is Julia my…girlfriend," he hesitated on the word. He noticed Julia's expression brighten, while Severus' eyebrows rose and Narcissa's eyes widened; everyone surprised at the statement. He cleared his throat and smiled, inwardly delighted at Julia's evident pleasure at the announcement, and slipped his arm around her waist.

"Yes, I…remember now," Severus spoke first, his tone laced with amusement. He nodded at her, "Forgive me."

Regulus swore he was going to kill him when he got the chance.

* * *

Severus finished off another glass of firewhisky, feeling surprising relaxed. In fact, he felt more than he relaxed; he felt content. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt so. He grinned at Lucius, who was also much more relaxed that usual, and glanced over at Regulus, who appeared to have calmed down and was talking animatedly with his latest conquest. Though, if what Regulus had said was true, perhaps she was more than that.

He had been stunned at Regulus' announcement and had wondered if, perhaps, the boy _had _told him about the relationship, and that he had been too wrapped up in his own problems to listen. But no; he was sure Regulus had never spoken of her. Completely. After all, Regulus was disingenuous and, if this was a serious relationship, he was in a very dangerous position. The Rosier's were long-standing loyalists when it came to the Dark Lord; the boy would have to watch himself.

The object of his thoughts suddenly sat down beside him and gave him a wide grin, "So, what do you think?"

Severus looked at him, peculiarly, "Of the wedding?"

"No," the boy rolled his eyes, "Of Julia."

"Why does it matter what _I _think?"

Regulus let out an exasperated breath, "Forget it."

Severus was quiet for a moment, "I suppose I am surprised."

Regulus grinned sheepishly, "No more than I am, I bet."

"Is this a relationship of long duration?" Severus asked, trying to appear nonchalant, hoping the answer was 'no'.

"Yeah, I guess," Regulus shrugged, "I've been seeing her for a few months. I told you, don't you remember?"

Severus attempted to cast his mind back, the only thing he could remember about Regulus' recent endeavors was some one night stand he had had several weeks ago, "No. You have never mention Julia. Or any girlfriend, for that matter."

"Sure I have," Regulus waved a hand, dismissively, "Back when we had that run in with my idiot brother. And James Potter," he added, his tone cautious, "Remember?"

Severus' frown deepened, "What? In April?"

"Yeah," the boy confirmed, "I told you I had a girl on the go."

Severus vaguely remembered the conversation, knowing he probably wasn't paying much attention, "I…I remember some rather…lewd comments, I believe, through which you implied there was no serious attachment."

Regulus shrugged and smiled, embarrassedly, "Yeah, I…I guess I changed my mind."

"You have kept very quiet about her," he pointed out, "You never mentioned it was Rosier's cousin."

"Does it matter?"

Severus raised an eyebrow, "Well, it means that _she _is a Rosier."

"And?"

Severus sighed, exasperatedly, carefully lowering his voice, "Considering your situation…I'm sure you're aware that the Rosier's are long-standing loyalists of the Dark Lord," he noticed Regulus' getting irritated, "I just think you should be careful. Think before doing anything rash."

"That's rich," Regulus said lowly, his voice almost a hiss, "Coming from _you. _How is Lily these days?"

Severus closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair, "Regulus…"

"Just forget it," Regulus interrupted him.

"Look, let's not fight about this again," Severus said, desperately not wanting the evening to be ruined by yet another fight about Lily, "If you're happy…then that's great."

Regulus sighed and looked back at him, giving him a small smile. Severus returned it with a slight smile of his own before he offered to go for more drinks.

* * *

Regulus _was _happy. It was all he kept thinking as he made his way down the street towards Severus'. The reception at the wedding had definitely helped with his nerves when it came to Julia and she had eagerly accepted his invitation to dinner for that Monday night. Add to that the fact that Severus was finally beginning to get over the little whore; yes, things were looking up.

At least, that what he thought until he actually _looked up _and came face to face with Lily Potter. He noticed her before she noticed him and stopped. From the looks of it, she was also making her way to Severus', though from the opposite direction. He suddenly felt incredibly angry; was _this _why Severus had seemed so satisfied? Had their sordid little affair started up again? No, surely Severus would be so stupid.

He sprung into action when he noticed her come closer to Severus', only a house away, and hurried up the street, "Evans."

She looked up and then froze when she saw him running towards her. He saw her hand instinctively disappear up inside her sleeve, no doubt seeking her wand. He stopped a couple of feet from her and the two of them silently regarded one another.

"Black," she finally said.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

She raised an eyebrow at him, before glancing behind him at Severus' house, then back at him, "Is that a trick question?"

He felt irritation brewing within him, "Maybe the best question would be; 'what do you think you're doing'?"

"Excuse me?"

He gave her a scowl, "Don't try acting all sweet and innocent with me; you may have Sev wrapped around your little finger but I'm sure I can resist your…" he eyed her up and down, mockingly, "charms."

She looked taken aback at his tone, then her expression darkened, "What do you want, Black?"

"I want you to stay away from him."

"What goes on between him and me is none of your business."

"For Merlin's sake, you're _married,_" he snapped quietly, so he wouldn't alert Severus to their presence, "Don't you think you've put him through enough?"

To his satisfaction a look of shame passed across her features and she lowered her eyes.

"Do you have any idea what's he's been through for you? The danger he's in; the danger _you're_ putting him in?" he glared at her, "If you care even a little bit about him, then you'll just let him be. He _at least _deserves that from you."

She seemed to think on that for a moment, then attempted to step past him. He grabbed her by the arm, stopping her. He met her look evenly, "If you don't back off, I'll tell my brother everything."

Lily looked startled and then shook her head, "You don't even see Sirius…"

"Believe me; it'd be very easy for me to get in touch with him. And I'm sure it's not something he'd be willing to keep from his best friend."

Lily held his look for a few seconds before she wrenched herself free from his hand. With one last look at the house, she turned and headed back up the street.

Regulus watched until he was sure she wouldn't turn around. When he was, he turned and made his way to the door, certain he'd just done his friend a massive favour.


	48. Atonement V

Chapter Forty

Despite being sure that he had done the right thing, Regulus couldn't help feeling guilty as he watched his friend bustle around the living room, making the preparations for the new potion the Dark Lord had requested. The older man's brow was furrowed in concentration as he re-read a piece of parchment, before turning back to a book that was open on the coffee table. He sighed and made a cross over something on the parchment, quickly scribbling down something else alongside it, and then stood and headed back to the cabinet where some ingredients were lying.

Regulus knew that Severus deserved someone. He deserved to be loved; to have someone to make it all worth it. He knew that he wasn't happy; neither doing what he did for the Dark Lord, nor what he did in his own time. He supposed there had been a change in his behaviour; he was slightly less uptight, slightly more approachable when he was in his company, or in the company of the Malfoys. He had even allowed Narcissa to give him the baby to hold on the odd occasion.

But any pleasure he seemed to get seemed to be out of _their _satisfaction, rather than his own. He seemed more hopeful, more relaxed when he was in their company. But Regulus was sure he didn't feel so reflecting on his own life, or on the decisions he had made. He knew that if he could turn back the clock he would be serving the Order, probably married to Lily Potter and possible even anticipating having children of his own.

He also knew why he had ended up here; prejudice. The same prejudice that started this war. Severus had told him once that he wanted to prove them wrong; he did understand before, but he understood now.

Severus didn't believe in the cause; he wanted to show them how muggleborns, how half-bloods were just as worthy as the purebloods. And what better way than by making hypocrites of them all, by making them respect him, _need _him? Severus Snape knew more about magic than the majority of the Death Eaters.

But, somewhere along the way, he had gotten lost. And this was where he had found himself.

Regulus didn't doubt it; Severus deserved someone. Not just anyone; someone special. And Lily Potter just didn't fit that requirement.

But he wanted her, and that's what made Regulus so guilty. Because, other than someone to make life bearable, he deserved to have what he wanted. And to be happy.

"Is there something on your mind, Regulus?" Severus' voice broke the silence of the room, sounding rather irritated.

"What?" he frowned, looking in his direction.

"You have been tapping your foot incessantly for the past five minutes," he responded, turning back to the parchment, "It's distracting."

"Sorry," he shifted and put his feet on the coffee table, "Jus thinking." Severus immediately pushed his feet from the table so they hit the floor with a thump. Regulus grinned sheepishly, earning a slight upturn of the lips from his friend.

"Have…" he began though hesitated. When Severus looked expectantly at him he forced himself to proceed, "Have you heard from Ev…Lily lately?"

He noticed Severus' eyes become suspicious, glancing briefly at him, before returning his eyes back to the parchment, "Not for a while." To Regulus' surprise he elaborated further with, "Not since before the Dark Lord revealed his intentions."

Regulus nodded, slowly, keeping his eyes on the table. He shifted uncomfortably and said nothing more, though was aware that Severus expected him to continue. He scrambled in his mind for some reason for him to ask, then spoke without thinking;

"Did you hear what happened with Bella and Lucius?"

* * *

Severus shook his head, disinterestedly, at the question. No doubt some other disagreement, or outright argument, that had proved ugly for Narcissa and resulted in the Lestranges being banished from the Manor; for the third time that year. He walked over to the cabinet, ensuring that he had, indeed, left the owl eyes there.

"Yeah, turns out Bella wanted to get a head start on looking for them," Regulus went on, immediately sparking his attention. He turned his full attention to the boy on the couch, who went on;

"Ended up at her mother's."

Severus felt his stomach flip, "Her mother's?" he repeated, "How did they find it?"

Regulus shrugged, "I don't know, I guess Bella did some looking because when she showed up at the Manor looking for him, she already knew where to go. At least, that's what he said."

Severus felt his dread increasing; if that maniac had managed to find Lily's mother…;

"What happened?"

"What you'd expect," came the reply, though the tone seemed slightly more quiet, pitying, "You know how Bella is."

"They didn't find Lily?" Severus heard the panic in his tone and quickly made an attempt to compose himself as Regulus went on.

"No, you'd have heard about it by now if they had," Regulus said, attempting to be reassuring, but failing, "She wasn't there. It was just her mum."

Severus swallowed, knowing well enough what that meant. Marjorie Evans had no idea how to access the Wizarding World, nevermind where Lily lived; and, even if she did, there was no way she would ever compromise the safety of her daughter; "They killed her."

"Well, Bella killed her," Regulus corrected, "You know Lucius prefers more subtle approaches."

"This isn't a time for jokes, Regulus," he snapped, reaching up and pressing his thumb and forefinger to his eyelids. When he drew his hand back down he noticed Regulus looking guiltily at the table. Severus sighed, assuming it to be due to his retort, "Sorry."

Regulus looked up at him, surprised, then shook his head, "Don't worry about it." He shifted and went on, "It happened earlier this week. I heard about it at the wedding last night."

"I see," was his only response, as his mind continued to mull over the information he had just been given.

* * *

Everyone was disposable.

So long as the Dark Lord got what he wanted, which was simply the elimination of the infant, then it didn't matter what casualties ensued. Even if it was necessary to sacrifice one of his own followers, Severus knew the Dark Lord would not hesitate, so long as he maintained his illusion of invincibility.

He believed Harry Potter was a threat to him. That was all that mattered. The lives of his followers, the _desires_ of his followers did not matter when held up against that fact. What made him think the life of Lily Evans would be any different? Why was he foolish enough to believe that she was safe; that _he _had saved him from him?

"_So long as she does not become a nuisance to me…"_

He could feel the uncontrollable terror growing within him once again. If she didn't become a nuisance…_Ridiculous! Of course _she would be a nuisance; there was no way any mother, especially not Lily, who had already sacrificed so much for the brat, would just stand aside and let some maniac kill their child before their eyes.

He had let himself relax, think that all would be well. Of course it wouldn't; he had been too willing to believe, _wanted_ to believe too much.

And now he found himself on his knees, before a man whom he had no desire to ever see again in his life. The man who had failed him repeatedly throughout every year he had been at Hogwarts. Facing his condemnation, his judgment:

"You disgust me."

Severus shrunk back from the utter revulsion in the old man's eyes as he went on, berating him for his lack of interest in the life of his most despised enemy, of the child who had taken her from him. Severus swallowed down his pride, the small remainder he had managed to hold onto since the encounter began, and pleaded:

"Hide them all then, keep her – them – safe." Don't let all this to have been for nothing; don't let all the suffering lead to this.

"And what will you give me in return, Severus?"

"In…in return?" Severus started and looked directly at the man; _give him? What? _This, the Great Dumbledore, was actually asking for something _in return _for protecting the lives of his own followers? Severus felt his distrust and disappointment in the man increase, while his own panic increased. In return? He had nothing to give; _he _was nothing. His eyes darted around the clearing, before he uttered the only honest answer he could give:

"Anything."

And with that one word, Severus Snape sold his soul.

* * *

Note: The dialogue in the final section is taken directly from 'The Prince's Tale' chapter of "Deathly Hallows".


	49. Atonement VI

Chapter Forty One

It didn't make any sense.

Dumbledore had shown up on their doorstep the night before, after midnight. A house visit in itself from their old headmaster was a shock, nevermind the reason for his calling.

He was hunting them.

Lily almost trembled at the thought, as she continued to pack away the necessary items that they wished to take with them. Apparently Dumbledore had found somewhere where they could hide out, until they figured out the appropriate steps to take. James had been disgusted at the idea, declaring that if He was after them they would not 'hide like cowards'. Lily hadn't agreed with him, she was feeling pretty cowardly at the idea, but it was not her who needed to convince him. The old man had merely mentioned the danger that Harry was in as, apparently, he too was being hunted and James had immediately silenced and begrudgingly agreed to the plan, under the condition that they could continue to serve the Order in the background.

Harry made a gargling sound from his crib and she glanced over at him, sadly. Because of who his parents were, he was in danger. She put down the dress she had been folding and walked over, lifting him and cuddling him close;

"I'm so sorry, Sweetheart," she whispered, kissing his cheek. He smiled, completely oblivious to the danger, and reached his hands out towards her mouth. She kissed his fingers and smiled sadly.

"That's everything we need from downstairs ready," James announced, as he walked into the bedroom. He walked over and lifted the dress, putting it into the bag, "Is there anything else we need in here?"

"No, just Harry's dragon," she nodded down at the stuffed animal. He walked over to retrieve and place it in the bag, before zipping it up. She moved Harry onto her hip, bouncing him gently, "Have you said goodbye to the boys?"

He nodded, "Yeah, Sirius and Peter just left, Remus wanted to stay to say goodbye to you. You should probably head down now; Dumbledore will be here any minute and he probably wants us to get moving once he does."

She nodded in agreement, not wanting to be rushed in saying her goodbyes, and walked over to him. She kissed Harry's cheek once again and handed him over to his father. Without a word she turned and headed out of the room and down the staircase. She could see Remus from over the banister, leaning against the back of the couch as he glanced around the house. He smiled with false brightness when he noticed her coming. She returned his smile and headed over to him;

"So," she began, "Will you miss me?" she teased, her eyes sparkling.

Remus grinned and nodded, "Sure will, Lily."

She returned the smile, this time sadly, and stepped towards him and was immediately wrapped in his arms, "I'll miss you too, Remus," she said, quietly.

"But, hey," he spoke, his voice optimistic, as he kept his arms around her, "It's not forever. I'll see you at Order meetings, sometimes. And when this is all over…"

"Right," she nodded against his shoulder. She drew back and pressed a kiss to his cheek. As she stepped back from him she looked over her shoulder at the stairs, then back at him, "Thank you for being such a good friend to me, Remus."

"Well you make it pretty easy," he returned, modestly, then turned serious, "And I'll continue to be so, for a long time I hope. You make it seem like you're leaving forever."

She smiled and looked down, "Maybe not forever…but a long time, at least," she swallowed and shook her head, "I just don't get it. I mean, what did we _do _that got him so mad? Why is he targeting us?" It was a question she had been asking herself since Dumbledore had revealed the truth to them.

Remus looked just as bewildered as she felt and shook his head, "I don't know, Lily."

She sighed and shrugged but before she could offer any further comments a firm knock sounded on the door, indicating Dumbledore's arrival. She drew in a deep breath and glanced over at Remus, who smiled again, though this time it held the sadness that she knew he had been concealing;

"I guess that's my cue," he reached out and squeezed her arm, "I'll see you again soon." She smiled in return, just as his eyes lifted to the staircase, which James was now descending, Harry in one arm and the travel bag thrown over the other, "You too, Prongs," Remus added with a grin.

James grinned in return, "Count on it, Moony."

Remus nodded and followed Lily to the door, who pulled it open to reveal a very serious-looking Dumbledore. Remus exchanged brief greetings with him before heading on his way, allowing the headmaster to step into the house. The old man's eyes seemed to immediately settle on the infant in James' arms. Lily frowned at the evident interest in the man's eyes and reached for her son. James immediately relinquished his hold to her.

The move broke the old man's gaze and he glanced forth between James and Lily with his usual smile; "Are we ready, then?"

Lily shared and uneasy glance with James, before they both nodded.

* * *

Regulus smiled as Julia leaned back on the grass, looking with keen interest at the stars above them; "That one there, that's Ursa Major," he pointed upwards, "You see it? People call it the 'Big Dipper', even muggles can see it sometimes."

She nodded, keeping her eyes there, and said quietly, "Yeah, I think I see it."

"And, if you look to the right," he moved his hand over, "You can see Draco, if you look carefully."

He noticed her brow furrow as she followed to where his finger was pointing. After a moment she shook her head, "No, I don't see it."

"Sure you can," he leaned in close to her, continuing to point in its direction, "It's real close to Ursa Major; look, if you look up a bit, remember where Ursa Minor was? Draco's right underneath it, see, between them both."

After a moment of squinting, her eyes darting over the sky, she looked at him and shook her head, "I don't see it."

He was disappointed for a brief moment then gave a sheepish grin, "I guess my family have been pretty obsessed with the constellations for so long, it's sort of ingrained in me where they all are."

"Yeah, I noticed that little…obsession," she smirked a little, "Your word, not mine."

He grinned and nodded, "Yeah. Narcissa is the only Black who escaped the 'Constellation Curse' in our generation; but, you know, she made up for it by calling her little boy Draco. You and Narcissa have met before, right? Did you see the baby?"

She shook her head.

"Oh, you'd love him," he asserted, with a bright smile, "He's great. A really happy little kid. And really cute, too. He does this really funny laugh when…" he cut off suddenly when he noticed her looking at him strangely, a small grin tugging at her lips; "What?"

She laughed at his indignant tone, "Nothing."

He raised an eyebrow doubtfully.

"You just…you're adorable," she said, letting the barely contained grin reveal itself.

_Adorable? _The word repeated in his mind; was that a good thing? He supposed it was better than…detestable or…repulsive?

She laughed again, in a sweet tone her rarely heard from anyone and shook her head, "I'm sorry, I offended you, right? I mean, I know you're this big tough guy in the real world."

He looked at her sharply; partly because of the absurdity of the statement and partly because of what it implied. She was looking at him, her eyes twinkling with a playfulness he rarely saw in anyone, and a smile that melted his insides. He smiled in return; "I'm not so tough."

She met his look evenly and then leaned towards him, claiming his lips with hers, and he willingly surrendered; in these moments everything seemed worth it.

* * *

He had gone to Dumbledore less than twenty four hours ago and, already, the Dark Lord knew there was a traitor. And not only did his master know that there was a traitor within his ranks, Severus now knew there was also a traitor within the Order's. After all, someone must have told him that the Potters had gone into hiding that morning.

Severus had to admit he was impressed; Lily was hidden within twelve hours of him revealing the threat to Dumbledore. And, although the Dark Lord had been having difficulty locating them before this, the idea that they were now actively in hiding was incredibly comforting to him; though not entirely. There was a spy, after all, who could undo everything.

But, for now, the pressing matter was the spy within the Dark Lord's ranks. His master was positively fuming; had called all his Death Eaters to him in their separate groups; had threatened them, had used legilimency mercilessly, had used the Cruciatus. And, despite it all, had been unable to locate the traitor. To Severus' immense relief. But, what was of even more concern to him right now, was the peculiar look the Dark Lord had taken after he had invaded Regulus' mind. It was not outright anger or suspicion; more a curiosity. A look that Severus dreaded to think what it meant.

Regulus, on the other hand, did not seem concerned at all. In fact, he was positively buoyant compared to his usual moods. Severus had a fair idea that it had something to do with the new female in his life; one whom Severus wouldn't trust to take out his rubbish. But he knew better than to bring up the subject; after all, when had he ever listened to Regulus' objections of Lily? He knew that when it came to matters of the heart, reason is the first sacrifice that the mind makes.

Severus sat nervously before his old headmaster, in the very familiar office that he hadn't been within for several years. There portraits were feigning sleep as they usually did, making over-zealous snoring sounds while peeking beneath lowered eyelids at the meeting below.

"You are certain?" Albus Dumbledore addressed him, his eyes firmly on his.

"Yes," Severus responded, "There's no other explanation. How else would he know they have gone into hiding? _I _didn't even know they had gone in already, and it was me who told you about the threat." He felt the old man press harder into his mind and reluctantly refrained from putting up his defenses, knowing how important it was that the man believe him and begin investigating any potential traitors.

"Who knew about it?" Severus asked, when Dumbledore was satisfied with what he saw, "Before six o' clock this evening?"

Dumbledore regarded him cautiously for a moment, before he finally answered, "An Order meeting was held this afternoon, explaining the situation."

Severus felt his frustration rise and he flopped back in his chair, "Well, that's just brilliant," he snapped.

Dumbledore regarded him, coolly, "Might I remind you, Severus, that I am acting to help _you. _As such, I expect some appearance of respect. Or, at the very least, politeness."

_Oh really? _Severus' mind sneered, _And here was me thinking you expected me to be your spy._

He never voiced this thought, however, saying only, "Sorry, Sir."

Dumbledore looked both unconvinced and unmoved by the response, instead he folded his hands together on his desk, seeming to be in deep contemplation. After a moment he finally spoke, "Very well, Severus. Thank you for the information, it has been useful. I shall see you again when you have more to offer."

Severus remained seated, despite the obvious dismissal. Dumbledore looked at him curiously, "Is there something else, Severus?"

Severus was quiet a moment, before he drew in a breath, "You are sure she is safe?"

Dumbledore kept his eyes on his for a moment, lacking in any sympathy or compassion. After a moment he finally answer, "Yes, quite safe, Severus. Along with the rest of her family."

Severus ignored the final statement, obviously meant to hurt, and, instead, drew comfort from the first. She was safe. In hiding. The greatest wizard of all time, Albus Dumbledore, was protecting her. The Dark Lord would never find her.

She was safe.

* * *

Review Response:

_CheshireKitty_: Thank you very much for your reviews. I agree with what you say about the Snape/Dumbledore relationship – it is a very complicated one. I think that the two of them did end up as friends, they both seemed to have a lot of trust in one another at least, and you're right when you say I've made Dumbledore pretty heartless right now. We probably won't see the nice side of Dumbledore (at least not to Snape) in this story, since he doesn't seem really believe in Severus until after the whole 'is this remorse' moment after Lily died.

As for Regulus, I'm keeping him alive as possible according to canon (I don't really want to stick to that either) and it's November 1980 just now – according to OOTP he has to die sometime in that year…

Thanks again for the reviews! I'm really glad you're enjoying the story.


	50. Atonement VII

Chapter Forty Two

Lily sighed as she looked longingly out into the open field from the window of the small cottage Dumbledore had located them to. Snow was falling heavily upon the grass, while the wind blew hard enough to shake the door on its hinges. They had been there for three weeks now and, for the first time since then, one of them was 'permitted' to leave the place to attend an Order meeting. Of course an argument has ensued when they information had been brought to them over which of the two of them should attend. Dumbledore had absolutely forbidden the idea, not only of bringing Harry to the meeting, but also of letting him leave the house to spend the evening with his grandparents.

Lily found it insulting that Dumbledore would think that either she or James would deliberately put their baby in danger, sure that he would be safe with Mr and Mrs Potter. But, not wanting her own stubbornness to come back to haunt her, she and James had agreed that Harry would not leave the house.

Eventually they had agreed that James would attend this meeting and that she would attend the next, though when that would be she didn't know. She glanced over at the bassinet, where Harry was sleeping soundly. She smiled and walked over, glancing down at the sleeping child. He was getting to be too big for it, but she had wanted to keep him close when she had put him down for the night.

She and James had begun discussing the arrangement for his christening earlier that week. Now that they knew they were in very serious danger, the issue of Harry's future had become a very important issue and they were eager to find appropriate Godparents for him, should they be unable to take care of him anymore. Lily felt uneasy at the thought; to be honest there wasn't anyone she would willingly trust to raise her son should anything happen.

James had been kind enough to first suggest the Godparents should be family, implying that he would be happy enough if she wanted it to be her sister. _Petunia! _Lily snorted at the thought; of all the people in the world, her sister most definitely was _not _someone she would entrust with her son's care. Of course, James had been secretly pleased at the refusal and immediately suggested Sirius. Also an idea she wasn't very keen on.

To be honest, if she had to choose between her husband's small group of friends, she would much rather choose Remus. Purely because he was the only one whom she would trust her life with; but there was the issue of his 'furry little problem' that made the idea impossible. As much as she adored Remus, she didn't want Harry within ten miles of him during his transformations.

At that moment a knock sounded at the door; two knocks, a break, and then three, indicating James' return. She headed over, using her wand to break the charms that had been on the house, and pulled open the door. Something invisible quickly swept in and she shut the door behind him, before setting the charms back over the house.

James pulled off his invisibility cloak and tossed it onto the back of the couch. He grinned at her, his spirits noticeably uplifted somewhat by the momentary freedom he had been given from the house; "Everything been okay, here?"

She nodded, "I put Harry down about half an hour ago, he's been out like a light ever since."

He looked over and smiled, "Good, that's good."

"How was the meeting?"

His mood noticeably darkened at that and he made his way around the couch, before dropping down onto it, "It…it was as expected. You-Know-Who is gaining power; more giants are under his command, werewolves are popping up out of nowhere, we're completely outnumbered next to the Death Eaters," he stopped and looked at her as she sat down next to him, "And…he's managed to locate Order members."

Lily felt her blood go cold at that, "What?"

James nodded, "There's a spy, Lily. We don't know who. But someone's been giving out information to him; information only people in the Order would know. He knows where some of us live; he's sent Death Eaters to their houses – massacred them."

Lily stared at him in horror, unable to comprehend what he was saying, "Wh…who?"

"Edgar Bones," he said, "his wife, their kids. His parents," he shook his head, and she was certain she could see his eyes glimmering with tears he wouldn't let fall, "All of them; he…he practically wiped them out, Lily! And…and Dearborn's missing. They can't find any trace of him," he stopped and shook his head, reaching up to rub his forehead, "It's like this whole thing is hopeless."

Lily shook her head, as her own tears slipped down her cheeks, "No; James, don't say that. Not you; you've always been one hundred percent sure we're going to win this war," she took his hand, "And we will. We can't just give up."

James looked at her, his eyes red, "It's not like it makes any difference what we think, anymore. Stuck up here like bloody cowards. _Everyone _is being hunted by him, why should we be the ones hiding away? We should be out there, fighting for this."

"James, he is hunting us for a reason," she said, glancing over at the sleeping baby, "You just said they killed Edgar's children; they were so young," she looked back at him, "That monster wouldn't think twice about killing our son."

"So…what? We just stay here, twiddling our thumbs, let everyone else deal with what's out there?" he spoke with a bitterness so unlike him.

Lily kept her eyes on him then shrugged, her voice quiet, "There's nothing I wouldn't do for our son. If we have to be cowards, I'll do it. If we have to fight, I'll do it," she paused, as he lifted his eyes to hers, "I know you will too."

James kept his eyes on hers for a moment before he leaned in, pressing his lips to hers. She almost gasped in surprise; she couldn't even remember the last time he had kissed her. Or she him. At least, not like this, with the expectation of something more. Every kiss for the past couple of months had been small, chaste. She felt his hand slip into her hair, pulling her closer, and it took everything in her power not to pull away. She heard him sigh against her lips, before his moved to her neck, his hand dropping to her shoulder. She almost squirmed as he did so and she realised why;

She felt like she was cheating on Severus.

It was ridiculous. It was irrational. This was her _husband _for heaven's sake! And here she was, almost drowning in guilt that she was letting him touch her like this.

A moment later, when she was sure she was going to have to push him away a cry erupted from the bassinet. It was all she could do not to leap away from her husband's grasp and run to the baby. Instead, she drew back slowly, forcing a sheepish grin and stood, walking with all the steadiness of a baby deer, to lift Harry. As she cuddled him to her chest, she was silently thanking him for his impeccable timing.

* * *

Lily had waited until James was asleep, after two in the morning, to sneak out of the bedroom. She had hurried down into the living room, grabbing the discarded invisibility cloak that still lay over the coach and, lifting the charms from the house, had thrown it over herself and hurried from the house. She was careful to replace the charms before she took a few more steps from the cottage and dissapparated.

She sighed when she soon found herself on the bank of the river near Spinner's End. She quickly glanced around herself, making sure there was no one else in sight and ensured that the cloak completely concealed her, before she made her way up the bank and down the streets that lead to her destination. It had been so long since she had been there, been anywhere, and she took her time in enjoying the pretence of freedom.

She had missed it so much. But, more than that, she had missed _him _so much. It had been so long since she had last seen him; true, she had gone longer during the summer, but the past six weeks had been terrible. She didn't care about Regulus Black's warning; she was sure Severus would never let him do that and she doubted very much that he even had any contact with Sirius.

Besides, James wouldn't see Sirius again for a long time, she tried to rationalize.

As she was making her way down his street she froze, as she noticed Severus was already outdoors and making his way to the door. She quickly sped up into a run, her footsteps echoing throughout the street. Severus flipped around, his eyes suspicious. She noticed him instinctively reach for his wand as he looked through her.

"Stop!" he ordered, his voice dangerous.

The tone did make her stop, though by now she was only several feet from him. She noticed Severus glaring in her direction, his eyes full of suspicion. He lifted his wand, though his voice was very quiet, "If that's you, Potter, I'll…"

"Sev," she interrupted him, not wanting to hear whatever threat he had be preparing to voice.

It worked; he cut off immediately. He kept his eyes on her for a moment, though she knew he could not see her, before he quickly averted his eyes and put away his wand. He glanced around them, his eyes cautious and very anxious, before he turned his back to her and made the rest of the way to the door.

She quickly followed him.

"Are you insane?" his voice was very quiet and he didn't turn, or make any bodily implications that he knew she was there, as he undid the charms and locks on his door, "Do not close the door after you." He pushed the door open and headed inside. She hurried in after him; she saw him remove his cloak before he deliberately walked over and closed the door behind her. Once he had secured the door he turned, his eyes darting around the room.

She pulled the cloak from herself, letting him see her. She saw him swallow as he simply stared at her. After a moment he looked down and headed past her, "_Muffliato_. You shouldn't be here, Lily."

She felt herself grow angry at his tone and followed him, "Well, that's a nice welcome after all this time."

"Lily," he snapped, turning around to face her. She noticed his eyes were dark, tired and angry, "Don't you know how stupid it was of you to come here? You _know _of the danger you are in! There are Death Eaters crawling all over the place looking for you!"

"Oh, and are you one of them?" she countered, "Where have you been, anyway? It's almost three in the morning. I've been trying to see you for weeks! Every time you haven't been here!"

She noticed he looked slightly guilty and turned away from her, "I have been very busy."

"With what?"

"That is not something we discuss," he snapped.

"What's wrong with you?" she felt her volume increase, "For Merlin's sake! I haven't seen you in weeks! And now, when I do, the beast emerges!"

Severus looked over at her peculiarly for a moment before he cracked a slight smirk, "_The beast?"_

She was taken aback at the teasing tone and felt her anger slip away. She bit her lip, though couldn't help the smile that came when she noticed a slight glint in his eyes. A bubble of laughter escaped her and she shook her head, "Yes, _the beast,"_ she confirmed, "And not _that _beast," she added, which resulted in a snort from her companion, "But the one I don't particularly like to encounter with you."

She noticed that he had relaxed somewhat, but that he still seemed very uneasy; "I wasn't followed," she quickly reassured him, "I checked the whole way here."

"Yes, but Lily, how could you have known if I was even alone?" he said, his voice sounding very tired, "Regulus could have been here. Or worse, _Lucius."_

"When is Malfoy ever here?" she frowned.

He waved a hand, "He's been here before."

A silence fell over them, and they stood there, both feeling incredibly awkward. She looked down, then up at him, and noticed that he was avoiding looking at her. She frowned, "I missed you." His eyes snapped to hers at the statement.

He swallowed, "I missed you, Lily."

She sighed and smiled, before she carelessly threw the cloak over the back for the chair and stepped towards him, wrapping her arms around his neck. She felt him hesitate for a moment, before she felt the comfort of his arms slip around her waist. After a few seconds his hand reached up, caressing the back of her head.

"I heard about your mum," he said, quietly, "I'm really sorry, Lily."

She bit her lip and nodded slowly, not saying anything for a while. Too soon, he drew back from her, "Can I get you something to drink? Tea?"

She shook her head and walked over to sit on the coach, "No. No, I'm fine."

He nodded and followed her, sitting down next to her. She felt his eyes on her face, as if they were carefully scrutinizing her, but when she turned her face to look at him fully he averted his eyes. She felt an uneasy feeling in her stomach at his obvious distancing from her and swallowed, looking down.

"So…" she began, quietly, "I guess you know we're in hiding?"

She noticed him shift, before he only nodded in confirmation.

She paused for a moment, before she went on, "Dumbledore told him that a new spy had informed him that he was after us," she noticed that Severus began to look even more uncomfortable than he already did, and she smiled, her suspicions confirmed, "It was you, wasn't it?"

He remained still for a moment before he drew in a deep breath, "Lily, I…it's not…what it seems…"

She frowned, "You didn't tell him?"

"No, I did…"

"Thank you," she said, interrupting him, "I…I knew it had to be you. Who else would risk…" she reached out, taking his hand, "I know all that you've risked for me. I know I've never said it…I'm so grateful…"

"Lily, stop it!" his voice was hard, as he snatched his hand from hers. He reached up, brushing his hair back from his face, his expression pained.

She frowned slightly but kept quiet. She looked down as an incredibly uncomfortable silence followed. After a moment she spoke quietly, voicing the fears she had been having:

"I…I just don't know why he's hunting us," she bit her lip, "I mean, he's hunting all the Order members, right? Why do we get special distinction?" she looked over at him, noticed he was avoiding her look, "You…you don't think it's because of us, do you? You and me, I mean?"

She noticed Severus closed his eyes as he shook his head, "No, Lily. If he knew about us, I would be dead."

She looked down, playing with the rings on her fingers. She sighed, "Then why would he target us?" It was a rhetorical question, a mere expressing of her immediate thoughts. But, when she glanced over at him, she noticed that he was staring at the floor, his eyes troubled, his expression holding barely concealed distressed. She frowned, then suddenly realised:

"You know, don't you?"

Her voice was quiet, but firm.

She noticed Severus' breathing stop, as he kept very still. After a moment his eyes met hers; and she was almost overthrown by the deep guilt she could see present within his eyes:

"Yes, I know."

* * *

Review Responses:

_Firsttimewriter_: Thanks very much for pointing that out. I've fixed it now, thank goodness – that mistake completely spoiled the mood, lol. Thanks for the review.

_CheshireKitty_: I'm glad you think the treatment of Pettigrew as a spy is good. I think people really underestimate him (perhaps due to his portrayal in the POA film), but I assumed he had to be really good since he not only manages to spy for almost a year, but also manages to turn James and Sirius against Remus, as well as making Remus suspicious about Sirius, while avoiding any suspicion himself. Thanks very much for the review. It's really appreciated.


	51. Atonement VIII

Chapter Forty-Three

Severus could feel Lily's expectant eyes on him as he continued to stare at his hands, clasped tightly upon his knees. He bit his lip, trying to figure out in his mind what he could possibly say to explain what was going on. Trying to figure out if there was any way he could explain it, that would allow them to maintain their relationship; fragile as it already was. But there was nothing; he knew that the words that would leave his mouth were going to end it all. He knew that this was the moment he was going to lose her all over again.

"Severus," her voice was firm, "Tell me."

He drew in a deep, silent breath. A few seconds later, when he heard her take a breath to speak again, he went on, "Early..." he stopped when the word shook and cleared his throat, "Early this year…February…there was a prophecy…"

"A prophecy?" she interrupted him, her tone slightly skeptical, "What…"

"Yes, a prophecy," he went on, keeping his eyes on the floor, "It…it said…" he hesitated.

"Severus, just tell me."

He glanced at her and shook his head, "Lily…" he sighed and looked away, "It spoke of a boy. And this…this boy is supposed to have the power to defeat him; the Dark Lord."

Lily was regarding him curiously, though when he looked at her he could detect a hint of fear in her eyes, as if she knew what was coming next. Despite this, she swallowed and asked, "What does that have to do with me and James?"

Severus held her look for a moment; _it's your baby. _The words formed in his mind, were on the tip of his tongue; but looking at the fearful expression in her eyes, the eyes that didn't yet express any of the hatred towards him that was soon to come, he hesitated. And he couldn't say them; "The prophecy says the baby would be born at the end of July."

Lily held his look for a moment, before her breathing caught and she averted her eyes. She drew in a shaky breath, her brow furrowing, and she shook her head, "What…what are you saying…what? That my…my son, that Harry is…that he…" she shook her head, "Are…are you _serious?_" She stood up and walked quickly around the coffee table, running a hand through her hair. He could hear her breathing quicken, saw her shake her head, and a gasp of laughter, completely humourless, escaped her lips, before she rounded on him.

"Are you telling me that that…that _monster _isn't after James and me at all? That…that he's after…that he's after Harry? _Harry? H_e's a _baby _for Christ's sake!" he hadn't heard such venom in her voice for years; and he hadn't even told her the worst part.

Severus took in a deep breath, "Yes. The Dark Lord takes any potential threats very se…"

"_Potential threats?" _she exclaimed, her voice a mixture of disbelief and contempt, "Severus, Harry is only four months old!"

"_I _don't think he is a threat," Severus began but was interrupted when she continued:

"But He does? Of all the wizards in the world, you, me, James, Malfoy, Dumbledore, _Grindelwald! _Out of all of the wizards that…that _maniac_ thinks my son is the great wizard that will ultimately defeat him?"

"I know," Severus agreed, "It's ridiculous. But…but that's what he believes," he met her eyes, "At the end of the day, that's what matters."

Lily shook her head and he noticed that her eyes glimmered slightly, while her lip trembled slightly. She bit down on it before she spoke again, her voice quiet and shaky, "Why didn't he tell us this? Dumbledore? Why would he tell us that he was after us?"

"I don't know," Severus swallowed, desperately wanting to reach out to her. Comfort her; tell her it would be okay. But he knew it wouldn't; and he knew that he couldn't go near her. She would hate him even more if he took advantage of her situation mere moments before her told her his role in causing it.

"Bastard," she whispered, shaking her head, "If…if James and I had known…if we'd known it was _Harry _that was…I wouldn't have left the house! I…James and I, we've been looking for any excuse to leave…we could've led him right to us! To Harry!"

"Lily," he finally stood but didn't approach her.

"What?" she snapped at him, her eyes were dark with anger.

"Lily," he repeated, his nervousness making his voice shake, "There…there's something else. Something… you should know."

She was looking at him expectantly, though with an element of disinterest, her fury at the situation completely evident in her eyes. He would never see warmth in those eyes again, he was sure of it. He was about to make sure of it;

"It was me."

The words were hollow. Too blunt. He could tell by the perplexed expression of her face.

"What was you?" she asked, though her tone seemed dismissive; as if she couldn't care less what he was talking about. She was looking around herself, until her eyes stilled in the direction of the invisibility cloak. She stepped towards it.

He sighed and reached out, grasping her gently by the arm, "Lily." She stopped and looked up at him. He loosened his tight grip but kept his hand on her arm, wanting to prolong any physical contact he could; "It was _me. I'm _the one who told…I'm the one who heard the prophecy."

Lily kept her eyes on his, attempting to make sense of what he had said; "You're the one who told Dumbledore."

He shook his head, feeling his throat tighten, "No."

She swallowed, her eyes suspicious as she regarded him. Severus got the feeling she knew exactly what he was going to say. She had already drawn back from him, though she let her arm remain in his grasp. He took one last, longing look at her eyes before he finally said it.

"I was there when the prophecy was made. I'm the one who told the Dark Lord."

……..

Lily knew what he was going to say. She had known it. Since the moment she stepped into the house she knew that something wasn't right. And as the conversation progressed she had become sure that he was feeling guilty about something; when he made his first confession. When he had told her 'it was him', the truth had flashed in her mind. The idea had hit her but she wouldn't acknowledge it. '_Plead ignorance', _her mind had cried.

She drew in a shaky breath, as she looked up into his eyes. They were so open; so unlike they usually were. Expressing everything; guilt, shame, desperation, sadness, love. _Love. _Her mind sneered at the word. This man before her, the man who she loved, had loved, who knew that she loved him had delivered her baby's death sentence.

February. She remembered that month so well; the events that preceded it. She had left him. No; no they had both done it. It wasn't her leaving him. But she _had _gone back to James. That same month, she remembered. And she remembered that Severus had seen them; had known that she had gone back to him. She swallowed, her mind swirling with theories, speculations. He had delivered the prophecy. Harry wasn't born yet; she had only just found out he existed. She bit her lip; Severus knew she was pregnant. Knew how far along she was.

She pulled her arm from his hand roughly, glaring at him with questioning eyes, "Why?"

"What?"

"Why did you go to him?" she went on, her voice much stronger than she felt, "You heard that prophecy and then ran right to him. Why? We…you and me, we were together before that. You…you weren't exactly the most loyal of Death Eaters, were you?"

Severus held her look, though his eyes remained expressive, "I wasn't…I hadn't decided at that point."

"Hadn't decided? Hadn't decided what?" she snapped, "What…you…you _wanted_ to serve him?"

He shook his head, "I don't know."

"You don't know," she nodded, speaking slowly, "Well, I know what you _did_ know. You knew that I was more than three months pregnant in February. You _knew _my baby could be born then," she paused for a moment, before speaking quietly, "James' baby."

Severus' eyes hardened, closing off, going back to the reserved darkness she was used to, "Are you saying that I…that I _meant _for him to target you?"

"Didn't you?" she snapped, "I remember seeing you before my wedding. You were so angry with me; so angry that I was having his baby…"

"I would never do that!" he shook his head, "I never even considered that it would be your baby. I never even thought that it would _be _a baby…"

"Well what did you think?" she shouted at him, her eyes were full now but she refused to let any tears fall.

Severus shook his head, "You don't know what it was like for me back then, Lily."

"Oh, do enlighten me," she glared at him, "After all, I was dancing under rainbows back then."

"Look," he snapped, "I was in trouble; I hadn't been showing up for meetings. The Dark Lord knew something was going on; Regulus was covering for me, Lucius was responsible for me…I needed to prove myself. We were all in danger! I needed to…"

"So this whole thing was just your attempt to suck up to your master?" she spat, turning away from him in disgust.

"Lily, we were in trouble," he continued to explain, "You don't know what it's like!"

"I can't believe you're trying to justify this!" she voiced her disbelief.

He was quiet for a moment, before he went on, his voice resigned, "I…I know, I can't justify it. But…look, it wasn't just me. Regulus was already under suspicion. And Lucius had Narcissa and the baby to consider…"

"And what about my baby?" she turned back around, her eyes flashing, "You give my baby's life for your own and your Death Eater friends?"

"I didn't _know _it was your baby," he shook his head, "Lily…I would never do anything…not willingly, to hurt you. You know I…I…" he hesitated, that desperate look in his eyes once again.

She had an idea what was on his mind, what he was going to say. She raised an eyebrow, "You what?"

He kept his eyes on hers for a moment before he looked away, shaking his head. She felt disappointment tug somewhere deep inside her but she ignored it; it didn't matter if he said it now. It didn't matter what he felt. Nothing mattered anymore.

Severus Snape, her oldest friend, the man she loved, was the one responsible for her son's death sentence. He had told his master the prophecy; done his duty as a Death Eater. She felt a lurch of nausea almost overcome her as she turned away, her vision becoming blurred as tears once again threatened to fall.

The differences between them had never been more clear in her mind.

The war that they had so adamantly refused to acknowledge when they had been together had come crashing down on them. Their opposing allegiances illuminated.

Her eyes drifted towards his arm, where she knew the Dark Mark was branded against him. She swallowed, her lip trembling. She drew in a deep breath and looked up at him, her tears finally spilling;

"I will never forgive you for this."

She noticed him flinch slightly, his eyes sad. He spoke quietly, barely audibly, "I know."

She stared at him a moment more before she turned and lifted the invisibility cloak from the floor. She threw it over herself immediately and headed out of the house. She didn't look back.


	52. Interlude VII

Interlude VII

Severus had only been at Hogwarts for a month and, already, he was beginning to think he was mistake in his perception of the school. It was supposed to be his haven, his escape from the horrors he experienced when he was at home. Instead, he found himself cutting himself off from would-be friends in an effort to hide his blood status, futilely trying to defend his friendship with 'that mudblood Gryffindor' (as they called her) and hiding out from the insufferable group of Gryffindors who just wouldn't seem to leave him alone.

He kept rationalizing in his mind; his father was miles away, he could finally practice magic legally (when in class) and Lily Evans was here.

Of course, their idea that the whole experience would be like a year-long sleepover had been nipped in the bud the minute he had sat under the Sorting Hat. Well, to be honest it was really when _she _had sat under the hat. After all, she was the variable really – he had always expected to be sorted into Slytherin. He just assumed Lily would end up there too.

But, considering his housemates and the conversations that had been taking place in the common room over the past few weeks, he supposed it was better that she hadn't been. His brother had warned him, indicated the prejudices that muggleborns and half-bloods would face in the Wizarding World. But, to be honest, he hadn't expected it to be as bad as this. He had attempted to shield Lily from it; he didn't breathe a word to her about the horrible things people in his house had been saying about her and the trouble he was in for even associating with her.

So far he thought he had been successful.

Severus glanced up from his spot beneath the tree that overlooked the lake, where he had been reading for the past hour or so. He saw Lily heading towards him and frowned when he noticed her eyes were red, and that she was rubbing at them furiously. Severus closed the book he was holding and dropped it on the grass as she plopped down beside him.

"What's wrong?" he asked in concern.

He noticed her eyes well up again at the question, before she swallowed and spoke quietly, "I…I thought you said it didn't matter being muggle born?"

Severus felt a jolt at the accusing question. Her eyes were accusing but sad, looking at him as if he had all the answers. She always looked at him that way; expecting him to explain every little thing she didn't understand. He offered the only response he could;

"It doesn't."

She hit his arm, her eyes flashing angry, "Liar!"

"Look, it doesn't, okay," he turned fully to face her, "We're just as good as anyone else here."

"You're new friends don't seem to think so," she said quietly, glancing in the direction of the school. Severus followed her gaze and saw Mulciber, Avery and Rosier watching them nearby. He swallowed, aware that he was in for an unpleasant evening in the common room, unless by some miracle Lucius Malfoy escaped Head Boy duty.

Forcing the thought to the back of his mind, he looked back at his friend. He shook his head, "They're not my friends."

Lily was quiet, keeping her eyes on the grass. She tugged at individual bits, pulling them free from the ground. She spoke so quietly he could barely hear her, "You will be though. It's not like you have a choice; stuck in the same house as them."

Severus shrugged, "I don't need any more friends."

"You're friends with Lucius Malfoy."

"Not really," Severus denied the statement, "He's just nice to me."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

A silence fell over them. Severus hated it; it seemed that by coming to Hogwarts the whole dynamic of their friendship had changed. It wasn't as fun anymore; they didn't joke around like they used to; didn't play and tickle and hold hands the way they did at home. They didn't tell each other secrets. Instead, he was keeping secrets from her.

"Do you know what they call me?" Lily tugged a daisy from the grass.

Severus didn't answer her, though he knew well enough what the answer was.

"Mudblood," she said. It sounded awful on her lips, something he never wanted to hear escape her again. He didn't even want her to _know _that word.

"You know what it means?" she raised her eyes to his. He nodded, slowly. "I thought so," she whispered, looking down.

A moment later, her voice was accusing, "You could have told me, you know. You could have warned me."

"Only some people think it. I don't; that's why I didn't say anything. I don't even think about it."

"You're lying," she shook her head.

He looked down.

"They hurt me sometimes."

Severus' head snapped up at that. He felt a sudden, unexpected fury course through him, "Who hurts you?"

She nodded in the direction of the school, where he knew the Slytherin's he had seen before would still be standing, watching them. He glared over at them, his eyes dark.

"They knocked me down in the hallway yesterday," she lifted her arm and revealed an ugly blue and purple bruise on her lower arm.

Severus stared at it in horror, almost unable to comprehend the idea that someone would want to hurt this girl in front him. He reached out and touched the bruise; she quickly drew her arm back and swatted his hand with a playful glare;

"Careful, it still hurts."

He swallowed, his eyes remaining on her arm, though he could no longer see the mark that had given her. He looked at her, his eyes determined, "They won't bother you again."

She shrugged, "You can't stop them."

"Yes I can," he said, firmly, "They won't bother you anymore."

She looked at him, her eyes skeptical at first but, when he offered her a reassuring smile, her features brightened and she offered him a smile of her own. She turned and scooted closer into him and leaned against him. He tensed slightly, glancing in the direction of his housemates.

"Have you been swimming in the lake yet?" she asked, lifting the book he was reading. She scrunched up her nose at the title, _Essential Dark Arts, _and then looked up at him with a smile. He smiled back and relaxed, deciding that, for now, he would just enjoy his time with her; he'd deal with the consequences later.

He shook his head, "No. I don't think we're allowed to."

She grinned and shrugged, handing the book back to him, "Then we'll have to do it secretly," she rubbed her eyes again, which were beginning to look the way they should – bright, hopeful, "It looks nicer than the one at home, doesn't it?"

He nodded. She smiled at him, before she looked over in the direction of Mulciber and his friends. They were no longer looking at the two of them; "Will you really keep them away from me, Sev?"

He nodded again, "I won't let them hurt you," he replied with sure determination. He _would _keep her safe from all this. If there was one thing he was sure he would do, it would be to keep her safe from the prejudices of his house.

He felt Lily lean in closer against him and her hand slip into his. A moment later he felt her squeeze his tightly and he was filled with certainty; they were going to be just fine.


	53. Losing My Religion I

Chapter Forty Four

Regulus Black was in love.

As such, he seemed to have lost his sense of what was truly important. Instead of floating around with his head in the clouds, completely besotted with a pureblooded female, he ought to be dealing with a very important issue; the horcrux. He knew he was living in a fantasy; that he was ignoring something major, something he had been determined to deal with only a few weeks ago. Now, however, he was happy enough to pretend; to go wherever life took him. Because he knew that he wouldn't survive the task he had planned on carrying out.

"I don't know," Julia was saying, as they made their way through Hogsmead, "They are a bit extreme, I guess," she glanced over at him, curiously, "I mean, they were purebloods, right? And if what we're supposed to be fighting for is pureblood supremacy, then it doesn't make sense to eliminate them. Especially when we're already dying out as it is."

Regulus wasn't quite sure where Julia's loyalties lay. He didn't really want to know. It would just complicate things. From what she had said since he had met her, she didn't have a clear stand on who she supported within the war; he was beginning to think she supported neither. She had made it clear she didn't approve of the Dark Lord's methods; then again, she didn't really complain when it was muggles under attack.

He hadn't told her about the horcrux.

Regulus knew that Severus didn't trust her; and he was persistently warning him not to trust her either. It infuriated him, but the irony of it all was not lost on him. The year before the two of them had been going through the exact same thing, only the roles were reversed and he had been warning Severus about Lily. '_Rightly so, as well' _his mind asserted. He dismissed the thought; Julia was nothing like Lily Evans.

"Weren't you related to them?" Julia asked.

Regulus considered it for a moment, easily managing to picture the image of the Black family tapestry, "I think she was my mum's aunt. I've never met her before though. My brother has," he added, sure that it was they who had taken him in when he ran away at sixteen.

She continued talking but he barely heard what she said. His mind went back to the horcrux; the duty he knew he had to perform. Everything was in place; he had had it all prepared weeks ago. The plan, the note, Kreacher. Rosier's wedding was supposed to be his goodbye to the family, the last time he would enjoy his life.

And yet here he was weeks later, and he didn't want to do it anymore. He wanted nothing more than to abandon his beliefs, his faith in what he had to do and just be. Just be the good little Death Eater he was supposed to be, marry a pureblood (hopefully Julia), settle down, have a family, stay unimportant enough in the Dark Lord's ranks to only be given menial tasks but important enough to not be killed off. He wondered if that was how Severus had felt; he was certain he had.

He had thrown away his responsibilities, his dedication, all for his muggleborn. Had lived in a fantasy and refused to recognize the danger he was in. It was easier to live in ignorance.

Regulus sighed and drew Julia closer to him as they settled down on the grass. He reached up, brushing the hair back from her face and smiled at her. She smiled in return and kissed him softly. As they cuddled on the grass, looking up at the clouds, he murmured to her the way he felt about her. He sensed her smile before she glanced up and told him that she loved him too.

* * *

Regulus was determined. He wouldn't let his feelings get in the way of what he had to do. He'd already watched his best friend become a slave to his feelings, it wasn't something he was willing to do. He wouldn't let his feelings for a woman affect what he needed to do; it was probably the only worthy thing he would ever do. It scared him to think that; to think that if he were killed in a raid he had done nothing of which he could be proud of. He had contributed nothing to this world; nothing, that is, except to make it worse by supporting the cause.

He remembered a time when he was younger, when the war was just beginning to hit home for the Blacks. He and Sirius had been at Black Manor, where they often found themselves in their younger years, and Bellatrix and Andromeda had been fighting. He didn't know what they had been fighting about at the time. He had a pretty fair idea what it was now; his oldest cousin had joined the Death Eaters and Andromeda had somehow found out.

She had killed people. '_Just muggles'_, Bella had said. Narcissa had been crying. Bella had stormed out. When Regulus had asked what was wrong, she had told him that the Dark Lord was evil and that people like Bella where letting it happen. He had heard about the Dark Lord; had asked how he managed to get so many followers if he was really so bad.

Andromeda had quoted someone then, he couldn't remember who, a muggle. She had told him that the only thing necessary for evil to succeed was for good men to do nothing.

He had said that to Severus before. Not too long ago, as means of persuading him to help with the horcrux.

"_I'm not a good man."_

Severus' response rung in his mind. Was _he _a good man? Regulus had never made a decision of his own, not really. He had always been influenced, always eager to please. He had begged the Sorting Hat to put him in Slytherin; it had wanted to put him in Gryffindor. It told him he had the potential for bravery. Regulus had laughed; he had never been brave in his life.

Regulus had wanted to side with his brother when he ran away from home. But he also wanted to please his parents. He had seen the damage Andromeda's betrayal had done to their family; and when Sirius followed he couldn't do it. He couldn't destroy the family any more than they already had; even though he wanted to. It was Regulus' duty to be the good son; to be the man who would do the House of Black proud. Bella had already done her duty; she was already engaged to a pureblood when Andromeda left. Narcissa had taken on Andromeda's abandoned responsibilities; had taken on the engagement to the Malfoy heir.

Regulus glanced over at his favourite cousin with a smirk at the irony of it. He remembered how furious she had been. Narcissa was only fourteen when Andromeda had fallen in love with a muggleborn and informed her parents her desire to severe her engagement to Lucius Malfoy. The idea was preposterous; the alliance between the Blacks and the Malfoys had been planned and arranged by their fathers since before they had begun Hogwarts.

And so, when the middle daughter had packed her bags and left, the duty to unite the families lay with the youngest Black daughter. Something she had not been happy about at all, if Regulus remembered correctly; in fact, he was pretty sure that Narcissa despised Lucius Malfoy at that age. Even more so when he had actually called Andromeda a bloodtraitor to her face.

Looking at the two of them now, though, no one would ever have guessed at the circumstances that brought the two of them together. Narcissa had reached over and squeezed Lucius' hand when he finished a conversation with his babbling son. Lucius turned the baby round and sat him so he was facing in his direction. The baby immediately smiled upon seeing him.

Lucius raised an eyebrow and lifted Draco slightly, indicating for him to come and take him. Regulus immediately moved forward and took the infant from his father's arms.

The baby squealed and laughed when Regulus quickly tossed him into the air and caught him again, drawing him down onto his knee, "You're getting heavy, Dragon."

He looked over at Narcissa with a smile. She returned his smile warmly, more so than usual, and then glanced at Lucius expectantly. Lucius only raised an eyebrow at her and leaned back on the couch. Narcissa sighed and rolled her eyes, before turning to Regulus with the same smile as before;

"Reg, Lucius and I wanted to ask you something."

Regulus, who had turned his attention back to the baby, looked up at her curiously. He frowned slightly, feeling suspicious, "What?"

Narcissa gave a small laugh, "It's nothing bad. We were wondering if you would consider being Draco's Godfather?"

Regulus stared at her, completely stunned at the request. Draco wiggled in his lap and he looked down, noticing the baby grinning up at him, as if he was also awaiting his answer. Regulus swallowed, an unexpected sadness washing over him as he looked down the the infant. His Godfather. Yes, he wanted that. But he knew he would never be it; he wouldn't even see this little boy grow up.

He looked up and saw Narcissa still looking at him, the hopeful look she had had previously slightly diminished at his delay. He couldn't tell them he wouldn't be there for it, that he couldn't do it. He couldn't get them involved. So he forced a smile and nodded; "Of course I will," he lifted Draco up against his chest and hugged him with the one arm, "You know I love this little guy."

Narcissa nodded with a grin, "He seems quite partial to you, too." She looked over at her husband, who offered her a smile, and reached up to rub her back affectionately.

Regulus watched them, feeling incredibly jealous. He wanted what they had. He wanted what they had and to actually be able to live it. He wondered if they knew how lucky they were; and how stupid Lucius was for getting involved with the war in the first place. If the ministry ever found out their lives would be destroyed; Draco would lose his father, Narcissa would lose her husband. If the Dark Lord became disappointed, he wouldn't think twice about eliminating Lucius' loved ones.

Regulus sighed and stroked the back of Draco's head. That's how it would be for him too. If he did try and live the fantasy, if he were lucky enough to actually have a future with someone, the Dark Lord would always be hanging over them. He would never be able to escape the biggest mistake of his life.

The only option was to repent. And to try and fix it.


	54. Losing My Religion II

Chapter Forty Five

Regulus stood in the muggle street, staring at the little house before him. It was simple, muggle style with a little fence around it. A little girl was playing in the snow alone. He smiled a little as he watched her; she looked just like her mother.

He didn't know exactly why he was there. Except, maybe, that this was where it had all started. With Andie.

The door to the house opened at that moment and there she was, standing in the doorway. He hadn't seen her since the day she had admitted to her feelings for Ted Tonks over Christmas dinner. That was so long ago now; but he still remembered it all as if it were yesterday.

She was calling to her little girl, telling her to come inside. And, a moment later, she sensed his eyes on her and turned in his direction. Their eyes met across the street and they held one another's look. The expressions in her eyes warred between bewilderment, suspicion and surprise. He hesitated a moment then lifted a hand in greeting.

A few seconds later she smiled and waved him over. He drew in a deep breath as he made his way towards her. She grinned at him when he was near enough to hear her; "Merlin, look at you, Reg. Last time I saw you, you were almost half my size."

He flushed and smiled at her, "Hey, Andie." He glanced down at the little girl who had shyly approached them both, "Is this…"

"Nymphadora," Andromeda stated.

Regulus bit his lip to prevent a smirk and nodded, "Hello, Nymphadora."

"We call her 'Dora'," Andromeda told him, before urging her daughter inside, "Do you want to come in?"

"Um…yeah, yeah, okay," he nodded, and a few moments later he was following her into the house. He glanced around the room as he made his way through the house; it was small. The entire house could fit within the ballroom of Black Manor. She gave up everything for _this._

He sat down on the couch in the living room. The little girl was sitting on the floor, flicking through a children's book when Andie headed through to the kitchen, calling to ask if he wanted anything.

"No thanks, I'm fine," he said, feeling strangely nervous. He looked around the room and his eyes immediately rested on a photo frame that was positioned on the side table; a picture of the Black cousins. The five of them were sitting on the grass of Black Manor's gardens, smiling at the camera. Well, Sirius and Bella weren't smiling; but the rest of them were. He was five in the picture. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

Dora looked up at him from her book and gave him a bright smile; he couldn't help the smile that immediately came to his lips.

"How old are you, Dora?" he asked.

"Eight," she told him, standing up, "Are you Mummy's friend?"

Regulus nodded slightly then stopped, "Well, I'm your mum's cousin."

Dora looked curious at that, "Uncle Sirius is Mummy's cousin."

He smiled and nodded, "Yeah, that's right. He's my brother."

The little girl looked confused, "I didn't know he had a brother."

Regulus couldn't help but feel slightly insulted that neither Sirius nor Andromeda had bothered to mention him; particularly when she had felt the urge to keep a picture with him in it in her house. He nodded over at the picture, "I'm the little one in that picture."

Dora glanced over at it, before walking over and looking at the more closely. She looked over at him, back at the photo, and then back in his direction. She smiled, seeming satisfied with the resemblance.

"You'll be looking forward to Christmas now, won't you?"

Dora's eyes immediately brightened and she nodded, "Uh huh. He's gonna bring me a broom."

"A broom?" Regulus was skeptical but didn't let it show. He smiled at her, "I'm sure you'll be a great flyer; if you're anything like the Blacks, that is."

She looked perplexed, "The Blacks?"

"That's what my family is called, Sweetheart," Andromeda's voice broke into the conversation, as she came in from the kitchen holding a mug of steaming tea, "Why don't you head on up to your room? Let Mummy talk with Regulus."

The young girl seemed reluctant but did as her mother asked, leaving him alone with his cousin for the first time in almost twelve years. He sighed and shifted, uncomfortably. Andromeda was regarding him strangely.

"I have to admit I'm…quite surprised to see you, Reg," she said, placing her mug on the side table, "It's been a long time."

He nodded, "Yeah. It has."

She looked down, then back up at him, "How are my sisters?"

He smiled suddenly, "Well, you know Bella – same as she's always been. Cissy's great; she's really happy. She and Lucius have a baby now, did you know?"

Andromeda smiled, though there was sadness in her eyes, and nodded, "Yeah, I heard that. A boy, right?"

He nodded, "Draco. He's a great kid." Andromeda was watching him closely. He shifted and, in an attempt to find something to do, reached into his robes and pulled out a moving photograph he had of himself and the baby. He handed it to her, "That's him there." She took the picture from him and looked at it with barely suppressed eagerness. After a moment she smiled.

"You can really see Lucius in him, can't you," she remarked.

"Yeah," he agreed, smiling, taking the picture as she held it out towards him, "Pretty placid tempered though; must get that from his mum."

"It sounds like you're all still pretty close," she said, a hint of inquiring in her voice.

"Well…just Cissy and me, really," he shrugged, "They asked me to be his Godfather."

She smiled, "You like kids? You seemed happy enough talking to Dora."

He flushed and shrugged, "Sure."

She nodded, looking at him warmly, "Seems like you turned out pretty good."

Regulus hesitated at that and noticed that Andromeda was still regarding him with some suspicion. He knew what she was thinking; what she was wondering. He swallowed, trying to decide whether or not to trust her. Then again, at the end of the day, it didn't really matter anymore who knew who he has. What he had done. It'd all be over soon.

He nodded, slowly, "I…I ended up exactly how they wanted me to."

She held his look; that wasn't what she wanted to know.

His hand unconsciously went to his forearm, which he rubbed without thinking. Her eyes followed his movements; "I'm one of them."

Andromeda's eyes lifted to his, filled with a sadness he remembered well. She sighed, "Then why are you here?"

He didn't know, really. He had no idea why he had suddenly had the urge to go to her; to see how she lived. To see why she had given everything up; why she had broken their family's heart. He swallowed, meeting her eyes, "Why did you do it, Andie?"

She frowned a little.

"I mean…you broke their hearts," he went on, "You…you almost destroyed them; us. And you just left," he shrugged, "You gave up everything."

"I was in love."

Regulus shook his head, "That's…not exactly a reason though, is it? Not a good enough one, anyway. You were sixteen; he was just a boy. How did you know he'd be worth it?"

"I just knew."

"There was more to it than that," he asserted, sure that there must be, "It was about more than just him."

She seemed curious now, tilting her head to the side and looking at him peculiarly; "What do you think it was about?"

He hesitated a moment, looking down, then he looked back at her, "I…I think you always believed they were wrong."

She didn't react to the statement for a while; then she smiled, "No. No, I didn't always believe they were wrong. It was Ted that made me see they were wrong. He opened my eyes."

Regulus rolled his eyes; _how incredibly corny._

"But you did believe they were wrong. You…you changed your mind."

She nodded. He nodded in return and looked down, his mind wandering again.

"Like you have," she said, her tone completely sure of the statement.

He looked at her sharply, before he shrugged, "It's too late for me to change my mind."

"It's never too late."

He sighed; she didn't understand. The two of them sat there in silence for several minutes, until Andromeda suddenly sat forward;

"Look, Regulus," she began, waiting until she had his full attention before continuing, "I know, believe me, I _know _how hard it is being part of that family. And Sirius has told me about you; how you always want to please your parents, keep them, happy…"

"And why do you think that is?" he snapped, "You and him didn't have to deal with the wreckage after you both walked out. Doesn't family loyalty mean anything to you?"

She ignored the statement, persisting, "There comes a point where you have to let go. When you just have to put your faith in the thing you most believe in; and hope that it turns out the way it's supposed to. That's what I did."

Regulus was quiet; "I don't know what I believe in anymore." She didn't say anything; only place a hand over his.

He glanced around the room. It wasn't much. It didn't look like anything really. But one look at his cousin and he knew that she was happy. That this was what she wanted. She was the Black who got away; who had managed to save herself while she still could

He swallowed, lowering his eyes again. It was too late for his life to be saved; but maybe, just maybe, by doing this he would be able to save his soul.

* * *

It was Christmas Eve.

He hated Christmas. It never was a time of joy for the Blacks; at least not since he was little. His parents didn't even celebrate Christmas anymore.

But, since it was Draco's first Christmas, and he knew there was no better opportunity to see his friends all together before he set out, he had accepted the Malfoy's invitation to spend the day at the Manor. He was pleased when he heard that Severus would also be attending; though it was for that reason that he decided that he wouldn't invite Julia, despite Narcissa asserting that she would be welcome.

Despite his disapproval over Severus' relationship with Lily, he couldn't help but feel some sympathy towards him over the way it had all turned out. Especially in light of his own new relationship, and his new-found awareness of the emotions that Severus had probably went through. For that reason he decided that it'd be much better to keep it as a gathering of friends; just the five of them. He was told that he and Severus were the only two invited.

So, instead he had told Julia he would spend Christmas Eve with her and then come over after Christmas dinner. The following day, Boxing Day, was the day he would carry out his duty. He glanced over at Julia, who was leaning over the side of her bed, rustling around at something on the floor. That familiar, sickening feeling in his stomach had returned as he considered what he was going to do. That he didn't have any future with this girl.

"Mistletoe," she suddenly pronounced, holding the item over her head with a grin.

He smiled and leaned towards her, kissing her softly, chastely, and drew back. She tilted her head to the side and smiled, which regarding him curiously, "Is everything alright?"

"What do you mean?"

"You've been acting weird all night," she said, as she set the mistletoe down on the bedside table, "Did something happen at, you know, 'work'?"

He shook his head, "No."

She grinned at him and raised an eyebrow, "You think I don't know when you're lying?"

He looked at her hesitantly. He was going to tell her the next day, the night before he had to leave. He wanted to have the day, or at least let her have the day, without the fact that he was leaving hanging over them. But then again, maybe it would be better if he told her now? She might want to have the chance to appreciate the time they had left.

He reached for her hand, "I'm leaving."

She frowned at him, her expression a mixture of perplexity and nervousness, "What do you mean 'leaving'?"

"It….it's him," he started to explain, then hesitated. He could almost hear Severus' voice in his mind, warning him not to trust the girl before him. To think twice before revealing anything. He glanced at her; he trusted her. But, then again, Severus had wanted the truth kept from Lucius for the sake of Narcissa and the baby. Knowing was dangerous. She didn't need to know _exactly –_

"Is he sending you somewhere?" she asked, her eyes darting about his face, "An assignment?"

He held her look for a moment and then shook his head, "No," he shifted, turning to face her fully and crossing his legs in front of his, "Julia…what do you know about the Dark Lord?"

She shrugged, "What everyone else does, I suppose. Evan has told me a little; but nothing important, really."

Regulus nodded, "Well…he…he's pretty much the embodiment of everything that's wrong with this world."

Julia was looking at him closely, her frown deepening. He took her interest as encouraging and went on:

"I made a mistake joining him. I…I'm leaving…because I can't serve him anymore," he explained, "I'm going to defect." He had been looking at the pattern of her bedclothes when he had said the words and, when he looked up, she was looking at him strangely. With an expression he didn't really recognize. She averted her eyes after a moment, looking uncomfortable.

He frowned, "Are you okay?"

She looked back at him and smiled, though he could tell it was forced, "Yes. Yes, I'm fine." She looked down. An uncomfortable silence had descended over them. A moment later she glanced at the clock; "Um…it's getting quite late."

Regulus looked over at the time; 9.30. He looked back at her, a sinking feeling in his gut, and wondered if he had just made a huge mistake. She smiled at him again, though he could see the troubled look in her eyes. She leaned towards him and kissed her slowly, deliberately. He reached up, caressing her cheek as he returned the kiss.

When he drew back, she smiled at him again, seeming to look like her normal self.

"I'll see you tomorrow then," he said. She nodded and shifted again. He stood and made his way to the door, before he hesitated and turned around. She was looking off at the wall, a contemplative look on her face. She started when she noticed him looking and forced a smile.

He swallowed; "I love you, Julia."

Her expression changed slightly and he noticed a hint of sadness in her eyes, glimmering; she nodded, "I love you, too."

Regulus held her look for a moment before he turned and pulled the door open, making his way from the house.

For the first time since the issue had been raised, he couldn't help wondering; had Severus been right about her?


	55. Losing My Religion III

Chapter Forty Six

Regulus had received a note from Julia by owl that morning; apparently she was unable to 'entertain' him that evening as there had been some unexpected guests. The uneasiness that he had been feeling since the previous evening had increased considerably when he had received the message; it was becoming clearer and clearer to him when her loyalties lay.

He would have to do it sooner.

He wasn't sure if she would tell anyone. If she would keep it to herself. She loved him; at least, she had professed love for him. Whether or not she meant it…

Whatever she felt it didn't matter now. He couldn't delay any longer. He couldn't risk being executed before he had the chance to do what he had to. He would leave tonight.

He swallowed and forced himself to focus on the events at hand. He had been at Malfoy Manor since early that morning, wanting to be there when Draco opened his presents. Or, rather, he wanted to see the baby's face when everyone else opened the presents for him. Narcissa had held the little boy on her lap, sitting on the floor, while he and Lucius had opened the gifts for him.

To Regulus' surprise, Severus had also arrived at the Manor early enough to witness the occasion. And the delight of the infant and the high spirits of the other people in the room had allowed him to forget for a short while the problems he was experiencing in his own life.

"We were thinking of having the Christening in two weeks," Narcissa said, as she handed the baby to Lucius, who bounced the, already hyper, infant on his hip, "On the eleventh of January. Is that date okay for both of you?"

Severus nodded his confirmation. Regulus glanced over at them, a guilty feeling almost overcoming him when he considered that he was going to let them down. Still, two weeks…if they found his body, it was long enough for them to realize he wouldn't be coming; that they'd have to find someone else.

"Yeah, that's fine, Cissy," he nodded. Narcissa turned to Lucius, saying something about making the arrangements, while Severus came over and sat down next to him. Regulus glanced over at him with concern. Recently he had seemed to be happier, more relaxed. But since he'd arrived that morning, he had had the distinct impression that something wasn't right with him.

"Did Julia have plans with her family?" Narcissa's voice broke into his thoughts.

Regulus' head snapped around at the question, "Huh? Oh! Yeah, she…she said she was sorry she couldn't make it," he lied.

"Is this a serious relationship, Regulus?" Lucius asked, his eyes almost _twinkling _with amusement.

Regulus saw Severus look over at him out the corner of his eye and forced himself to remain calm. He shook his head, "I…I'm not sure yet."

Lucius smirked and walked over, depositing the infant into his arms, "Well, Rosier seems to think she has become quite attached to you."

Regulus' eyes widened slightly, eliciting amused looks from his friends, "She…" he cleared his throat, "She talks with Rosier about me?" He looked at Severus, who raised an eyebrow at him, as if reasserting his warning to be wary of her. He couldn't help the glare that he shot his friend in return; Severus, instead of his usual cool expression, turned away with a look of defeat. Regulus frowned; definitely something wrong.

Lucius confirmed that Julia had spoken of their relationship with her cousin and that was enough to send his mind off into another tailspin until later that evening, when he found himself alone in the drawing room with Narcissa.

He looked over at the door leading into the dinner room, where Lucius and Severus were with the baby. The distant sound of their voices some reassurance to him, he turned to his cousin, speaking quietly.

"I...I saw Andie the other day," he said. His voice was barely a whisper, but the change in Narcissa's expression was enough to assure him that she had heard. She glanced over at the door with a nervousness that surprised him. She took out her wand and muttered a soft '_muffliato'_.

"Where did you see her?"

Regulus shifted, "Her house."

He noticed Narcissa's eyes widen slightly, before she dropped her gaze to the floor. He heard her swallow, before she looked back up at him. He noticed her eyes shimmer slightly in the light; "How is she?"

Regulus raked his mind for a way to describe her; only one word came to mind; "Happy."

Narcissa bit her lip and then smiled, "That…that's good."

"I showed her a picture of Draco," he went on, still speaking quietly despite the spell, "She said he looks just like his dad."

She smiled and nodded, looking down at the sleeping infant in his arms, "Yes, he does." He recognized the look in her eyes; wistful, regretful.

He tilted his head slightly, "I think she'd be really happy to see you. She asked about you."

He noticed her breathing catch for a moment, before she looked up at him was a sad smile, "You know I can't do that, Reg. It was crazy that _you _even went to see her."

He grinned, "We're Blacks. Craziness is in our nature."

She laughed lightly and shook her head, "What were you doing there?"

Regulus held her curious look for a moment before he shrugged and lied, "I just missed her."

He noticed Narcissa's eyes soften in understanding. Before she smiled and, picking up her wand, lifted the spell she had placed over them.

"Of course, you're still my favourite cousin," he grinned at her.

She laughed and ruffled his hair, "I think you know the sentiment is mutual."

He wondered if she would hate him for what he was going to do. Like he had hated Andromeda; and then Sirius. They had destroyed their family; betrayed them. Something he swore he would never do. It wasn't about the war; it wasn't even about blood purity. It was about loyalty; pure and simple. Everything they were ever expected to do was for the good of the House of Black.

Three traitors. Three Blacks who were willing to put themselves over their blood.

They would never get over it.

Regulus glanced over at his cousin, who had always put her family over her own happiness. But when she returned his gaze with a warmth she had always done when she looked at him, he knew she would forgive him.

He wanted to hug her, but he knew that would be too unusual, too suspicious. He hadn't hugged Narcissa since he was a child. Instead, he reached over and squeezed her arm, wondering if that would ever be enough to express the affection he felt for her.

* * *

Regulus glanced over at Severus, who appeared lost in his own thoughts as they sat in the quiet house in Spinners End. They had left the Manor just over an hour ago, when he had insisted he accompany his friend home to continue to Christmas festivities. Since they had arrived, however, the mood had been rather somber, both of them seeming lost in their own thoughts.

"Did something happen?" Regulus asked, finally voicing the concern he had been feeling all day.

Severus glanced over at him, looking thoughtful for a moment, before he looked down at the now-empty glass in his hands, "I told Lily it was me who revealed the prophecy to the Dark Lord."

_What? That little –_

He couldn't believe that…that _witch _had still been hanging around Severus after the warning he had issued! He quickly attempted to reign in his anger, not wanting the memory of his confrontation with her to be revealed and frowned; "Why?"

Severus sighed and shrugged, "Because…I wanted to clear my own conscience."

"Did it work?"

"No."

Regulus assumed from his friend's bitter attitude that the revelation hadn't gone well and took relief from the fact that it most likely meant that she had now, if she hadn't before, severed her ties with him. The idea that his friend wouldn't continue to suffer when Regulus was gone brought some comfort to him.

He shifted and glanced over at Severus, "You're the one who told the Order she was being targeted. You went to Dumbledore, right?"

Severus raised his eyes to his and gave him a slight smile in confirmation.

"Did you tell him about the horcrux?"

Severus shook his head, "No. Not yet."

Regulus nodded, looking down at his hands. A moment later he looked back up, "I was going to tell him."

Severus frowned, before an expression of bewilderment and surprise appeared; "What?"

"I even went to meet him. He turned me down."

He looked up and noticed that Severus' expression was mixture of bewilderment and anger; "What do you mean he 'turned you down'?"

"He didn't want to know," Regulus shrugged, "Said he'd never make a deal with a Death Eater."

Severus was staring at him and Regulus could almost feel the fury radiating off of him.

"Obviously he changed his mind," Severus said, lowly, his eyes dark, "He didn't think twice about making a deal with me."

"Maybe because he's confident in his ability to manipulate people's emotions," Regulus said, feeling his own anger begin to develop. He quickly pushed the feeling aside; he didn't want his last night with Severus to be filled with bitterness once again.

He leaned back and smiled at him, "Women. Who needs them?"

Severus glanced over at him with a look of surprise, "I assume things with Julia didn't turn out as you had hoped."

"What makes you think I was hoping for anything?"

"Well, you have been peculiarly absent from the Manor for the past several weeks," Severus pointed out, "And this is the first time you've been here since the time of Rosier's wedding."

"Been missing me, Sev?" he grinned.

Severus rolled his eyes, "I was just getting used to the peace."

Regulus continued to grin as he leaned back in the chair and asked him about the new spell he was attempting to come up with. Severus, always eager to talk about his work, explained to him the progress that he had made before the two went on to discuss the recent behavior of Rodolphus and Avery at the Nott's Ball, among other things.

By midnight Regulus was feeling rather tipsy and, for the first time since he had decided to go after the horcrux, resigned to his fate.

There were people worth saving in this world. People more important than him; what was one man to save millions?

But although he was resigned and although he was sure; he still didn't want to do it. There were people he would miss. People he was going to hurt. He turned to Severus as he made to leave.

Regulus swallowed, "If you're spying for Dumbledore; be careful."

Severus raised an eyebrow, looking at him with amusement, "I shall do my best."

"I'm serious, Sev," he said, soberly, "You've already been through enough for her."

Severus only looked at him for a moment, before he nodded, "Very well. I will be careful."

Regulus nodded, feeling slightly reassured. He held Severus look for a moment, a tightness in his stomach he hadn't expected and he had the uneasy feeling that he only had to let go of a tiny bit of self-control before he would break down. He swallowed and held out a hand to him.

Severus looked at it, then at him curiously, before he shook his hand. Regulus kept a grip of it for a moment, before he stepped forward and pulled him into a manly embrace. He felt Severus tense immediately at the contact, before he raised his hand to his back, returning it.

When Regulus drew back, Severus did not even attempted to conceal the concern and anxiousness he was feeling. Regulus felt his unease increase, the prickle of tears in his eyes.

"I'll be seeing you," Regulus said, turning and heading towards the door.

"Regulus!" Severus' voice was sharp and alarmed.

Regulus quickly composed himself and turned around.

Severus held his look; Regulus held his occlumency barriers firmly in place. Giving up, Severus spoke firmly, "Don't do anything stupid."

Regulus averted his eyes for a moment. Then he smiled and looked back at him, "Nothing you wouldn't do."

Severus' apprehension appeared to increase at the statement. Regulus only smiled again before he turned and made his way from the house.

* * *

…_I face death in the hope that when you meet your match, you will be mortal once more._

_R.A.B_

Regulus placed his quill on the desk, his hand heavy. He swallowed hard against the lump in his throat and blew on the ink. When he was certain it had dried, he carefully folded it and placed it inside the locket he had purchased several weeks before.

This was it.

He bit his lip and refused to let the tears that he felt fall. He would be brave.

For once in his life, he would be brave.

He glanced one final time around his childhood bedroom; at the Slytherin paraphernalia that decorated the room. The room he had decorated so long ago. He tucked the locket carefully into a pocket of his robes and drew in a deep breath before he turned and made his way from the room, his loyal house elf quietly following at his heels.

He didn't look into the drawing room where his mother was sitting.

He didn't look at the Black family tapestry as he walked by.

Even as hands gripped his body, drawing him deeper into the lake;

He never looked back.


	56. Losing My Religion IV

Chapter Forty Seven

Regulus had been missing for five days.

They had been hunting him for three.

The Dark Mark had been burning cold since before the meeting that had announced his deflection. Severus, who had already been concerned about his friend's state of mind, had been made even more anxious when the tracing charm had been initiated. There had only been three other incidents since he had been given the mark that he had experienced the sensation; each had commenced just hours prior to the announcement of a deflection. And each of them had been caught within one or two days.

Severus had known who the announcement concerned as soon as the meeting had been scheduled. So had everyone else once their circle had been established and only one empty space had remained; that of Regulus Black. Even then, the Dark Lord had not immediately addressed the issue. Instead, being in a particularly infuriated mood, he had taken pleasure in asking for information he knew no one could give and punishing them for it.

A look was enough to be awarded the Cruciatus; a wrong breath; a flinch.

Twenty minutes later, he had finally announced the reason for the meeting.

"_Regulus Black is a traitor. You will not rest until he is found."_

Severus had followed the order strictly; he _hadn't_ rested in the past three days. It had to be him who found Regulus; the idea that another Death Eater should discover him first was terrifying him into action.

In particular, he had to find him before his lunatic cousin did. He and Lucius had begun their search together and had quickly come across Bellatrix Lestrange, her husband and Barty Crouch Jr. She had been incensed; had been determined that she should be the one to kill the 'little blood traitor'. Severus had reigned in his own fury at the statement and headed off alone following the statement. It didn't seem to matter to her that he was family; then again, it was quite likely that the reason for her attitude was because Regulus _was _family and had now shamed them.

Severus didn't really care what the reason was. All he cared about was finding Regulus; and keeping him alive.

* * *

Lucius did not cower under the Dark Lord's attack; he was used to having his mind raped by his master.

He had been surprised he had not received the treatment immediately following the announcement of Regulus' deflection. It had taken almost three days for his Mark to change from the icy cold chill he had been becoming used to, to the familiar searing pain that was considered normal.

He had nothing to fear, so long as he used his skills in occlumency carefully. He knew very little about Regulus' decision to defect; and had no memories whatsoever of the boy actually admitting to being disingenuous. All Lucius had to do was keep a tight block against any revealing memories involving Severus; with whom he had discussed not only the boy's behavior, but also the other man's own disingenuous attitude – most notably the relationship with Lily Potter.

The Dark Lord withdrew from his mind sharply and glaring at him with a look of fury; "I see you have not been taking your role of Sponsor very seriously, Lucius. Had you been, you would have been aware of your protégé's treacherous character."

"My Lord, I beg your forgiveness," he said the words he knew his master expected to hear.

"I do not forgive," he hissed, before uttering a soft, "Crucio."

Lucius fell to the ground as, for the third time in half an hour, he was hit with the searing pain of the Cruciatus. He had almost succeeded in controlling his cries the first time; since then he had stopped trying. He needed his energy to fight the Legillemency.

To his mortification he was trembling when the Dark Lord ended the torture. He quickly pushed himself to his feet, forcing himself to ignore the weakness and agony of his limbs.

"It may interest you to know," the Dark Lord went on, "That Regulus Black has been discovered."

Lucius felt his stomach drop at the statement. How was he going to tell Narcissa?

"He has, of course, been executed," his master confirmed his worst fears, "But do not think that changes your situation, Lucius. Not only did you fail me by bringing him into our circle; you also failed in returning him to me when he betrayed us," his eyes glinted dangerously, "Do not think you will escape this failure lightly."

Lucius barely saw the flick of his master's wand before he collapsed to the stone floor once again, unbearable pain searing through him.

* * *

It was by chance that Severus had dropped into Spinners End only moments before an owl had began tapping urgently at his window. Within minutes of receiving the note it delivered, Severus had gathered up a number of potion ingredients and was at the door of Malfoy Manor.

"Severus!" Narcissa practically pounced on him as the house elf allowed him entrance into the hallway, "Oh, get out of the way, Dobby!" she shooed the elf away from his feet and grasped his arm, "Quickly, he's upstairs."

"Do you know what happened?" Severus asked him as he allowed himself to be ushered up the long stairwell.

"No," she shook her head, "Bella brought him back but she didn't say what had happened. She was only here a moment; she said she had an important assignment to complete."

Severus glanced over at her, assuming from the statement that she was unaware of the current situation. Well _he _certainly wouldn't be the one to tell her. The last thing he needed was Regulus' impending doom to drive her over edge, meaning he'd have to deal with a hysterical woman on top of everything else.

He was quickly drawn into a large room; a _huge _room. With a very large bed in the middle; Lucius sprawled out upon it. Severus glanced around curiously; all this for two people. Before he could dwell on the thought any further he made his way over to Lucius, who lay completely still. Only a few seconds investigation told him that it had been the Cruciatus that had caused his injuries.

He looked up at Narcissa's worried eyes, "I will need a basin."

She immediately summoned a house elf and ordered it to return with the items. As she did so, Severus stood and began taking out the potions and ingredients he had brought with him. Expecting such a case, he was already prepared with similar potions to the ones he had made for Regulus when he had suffered extended us of the Cruciatus the year before.

However, with a look at Lucius, he assumed with certainty that he had suffered much more severe punishment that the boy had done.

"Why do you need a basin?" she asked, as she sat down next to her husband, taking her hand in his.

Severus glanced over at her from the vanity table that he had been piling the potions onto, "He is suffering from extended exposure to the Cruciatus Curse; the potions that I must administer had some…side effects. It may be difficult for him to…retain certain potions.

"It is likely to be…unpleasant. I'm sure it is not something Lucius will want you to witness."

Narcissa gave him a small smile but did not move from her position, indicating her intention to stay.

"The Cruciatus," she repeated, quietly, her eyes looking over her husband's face, "So _he _did this to him?"

Severus turned his attentions back to the potions, "It is very likely. Though it is possible it may have been someone else. I'm sure you know that Aurors have been granted permission to use the Unforgivables."

"If it was him, though," Narcissa persisted, "Do you know why?"

Severus hesitated a moment, before the house elf returned, "I believe so. I'm sure Lucius will be more than willing to share it with you when he is able." He handed the basin to her, "He probably won't need that for several minutes. Has he been awake since he was brought here?"

She shook her head.

So no telling if there were any neurological consequences. He glanced at Narcissa cautiously, wondering if he should ask her to leave. It would be much easier to deal with if he didn't have to deal with her questions as he put Lucius under the numerous tests he had to perform. Despite that he decided against it and began.

* * *

Several hours later, after the many unpleasant consequences he had warned Narcissa about, Lucius was back to his usual self; though had to remain in bed until the pain in his limbs subsided.

Almost immediately after ensuring the final potion was working, Severus had begun gathering up his things and was preparing to leave; to continue his search for Regulus. Though it was arguably a good reason for his delay, he was still irritated that his search had been interrupted. _Anyone _could have found Regulus by now.

A moment after Narcissa had left the room to feed Draco, Lucius finally addressed the issue, "Did you tell her about Regulus?"

Severus raised an eyebrow as he glanced over, "I believe, as her husband, that is your duty."

Lucius gave a small smirk and nodded, "Did you find him?"

Severus could help the irritated glare he sent, "Of course I haven't found him." He finished gathering up the vials and muttered a cleaning charm of the table, "He is hiding rather well."

Lucius didn't respond to his comment.

"I will let you know if I discover anything," Severus said, making his way towards the door, and looked over at him as he reached it, "If you want to know?"

Severus paused and frowned when he saw the pained expression of his friend.

"What is it?"

Lucius took in a deep breath and glanced past him towards the door. He lifted his wand and, with a flick of his wand, closed it; "They found Regulus this morning."

Severus started, feeling his stomach turn and his throat tighten, before his fear was confirmed.

"He's dead."


	57. Losing My Religion V

Chapter Forty Eight

The ripples of Regulus Black's death were felt strongly throughout the Wizarding community.

The Dark Lord had made no secret of the incident; of the boy's defection and his subsequent execution. The fact that the Death Eater who revealed the boy's intentions was Evan Rosier. Even the timescale it had taken between the two was common knowledge. The only information that was not given was the name of the Death Eater who had discovered him.

No one following the politics of the war could take it as anything other than what it was: a warning.

The Dark Lord would not tolerate any opposition to his cause. He would not even hesitate to kill the heir of the most noble and long-standing of the pureblood families.

The shock, as had followed the scandals of Andromeda and Sirius Black's betrayals, that the youngest of the Blacks had turned on his family's steadfast belief in blood purity was overshadowed by this warning. Though there were still reactions to it; many called him a coward – a foolish boy who did not truly care about the principles of the war. Just someone too scared to stick by his own principles. That was the common perception of his defection. By Bellatrix Black; his brother; his comrades in war.

Though a handful of people knew better.

Severus Snape knew the boy was no coward. He knew all the boy had been willing to do.

Andromeda Tonks knew the boy's change in beliefs. She knew he wanted to escape.

Narcissa Malfoy understood the boy's character; always wanting to make his parents proud, no matter the cost to himself.

She was proud of him. He had finally done something he believed in.

And by doing that, he was finally free.

* * *

Severus barely reacted as he forced the burning liquid down his throat in one swig. He slammed the glass back down onto the bar and pushed it back towards the barman before him. The man eyed him with concern but said nothing as he filled the glass once again with firewhisky. Severus repeated the same steps as before; the barman filled the glass once again.

Severus rarely turned to alcohol. It was something he had always refused to do; knowing that he would likely end up following his father's footsteps and become dependent on the stuff. As he finished off his new glass with one gulp he knew why; the pain didn't feel as bad anymore.

He had been stunned at the force by which the news of Regulus' death had hit him. He had lost people before; had even watched people die before his eyes. Nothing had prepared him for what he had felt when he had heard those words spoken by Lucius; he was dead.

Just repeating it in his mind sent a jolt through him and he immediately demanded another firewhisky. The barman muttered something about 'having enough' but when Severus shot him a dark glare had filled the glass once again. _Had enough! _His mind scoffed as he downed the drink once more. Maybe if he drank enough he would die too. Maybe he would wake up the next morning and it would have all been an alcohol-induced hallucination; a nightmare.

It had to be a nightmare. Of all the people to die, Regulus couldn't be one of them. He was too young; he had too much to live for. People who cared. People who would willingly go back in time and beg whatever power there was to trade their life for his.

What sort of world let people like him live, while letting people like Regulus Black die?

He felt his stomach clench and squeezed his eyes shut against the tears he felt forming. He couldn't break down here. He wouldn't. He drew in a deep breath and opened his eyes, demanding another drink as he swayed slightly on his stool. He steadied himself as he vision came back into focus; through the blur of his tears or of his dizziness, he wasn't sure.

Across the bar, his eyes met of those of Sirius Black.

Through his pain, he couldn't even muster up any hatred for the bastard who had tormented him in his childhood. Instead, he held the other man's look. Black looked him up and down for a second before his eyes softened and Severus was sure he could see them glimmer in the light for a moment. After a second, Remus Lupin appeared as if out of nowhere and placed a hand on Black's shoulder. Black looked at his friend, glanced back in his direction, before he turned and left the building, Lupin and Pettigrew in tow.

Severus felt his own bitterness increase; that bastard, who couldn't even give his little brother the time of day when he was alive, now had the nerve to actually be _upset _now that he was dead! Maybe if he had been more supportive, more of a brother, then Regulus would never have been caught up in this mess in the first place!

His mind continued to pour out furious, bitter accusations, several of which he knew were utter nonsense but he couldn't help the fury building within him.

"Severus," Lucius' voice started him from his thoughts.

He turned in the direction of the voice and barely could make out the figure of his friend; deciding to go by the sure sound of his voice he answered, "Lucius…what brings you here?"

Severus felt himself being pulled down from the stool and being held steady, "I'm surprised you can even string a thought together, never mind attempt a sentence."

Severus leaned forward, feeling Lucius' hands grab at his arms and holding him upright, "Now, Lucius, you should be in bed. You're not better yet."

"I'm sure that made sense to you," Lucius' voice sounded again, before the tone changed to one of anger, "How much have you given him, you arsehole? There's a limit on how much you can serve, is there not? I should have you…"

Severus heard Lucius' voice cut off as he stumbled forward and promptly emptied the contents of his stomach onto, what looked like, very expensive white shoes. _Lucius' shoes, perhaps?_ his mind offered and Severus couldn't help laughing at the thought.

"Yes, that is…" Lucius' voice pierced into his head, sounding irritated this time, "incredibly funny." Severus felt his arm being grabbed and then flung around Lucius' neck, "Let's go." With that, he felt himself float across the room towards the exit.

* * *

Lily and James turned startled looks towards the door as a knock sounded at it. James lifted his wand and motioned with his hand at her to go to Harry. She lifted her wand and began to make her way towards the playpen, where Harry was sleeping, when a voice called through the door;

"James? Lily? I have a surprise for you both."

Both of them relaxed immediately when they heard the voice sound through the door. James immediately headed over, as Lily lifted the charms on the house, and pulled the door open. She noticed him freeze a moment before his surprised voice burst out, "Sirius!"

Lily could feel her eyes rolling and she walked over, plopping herself down on the couch.

"I thought you might both want some company," Dumbledore said as he and Sirius stepped into the house; James immediately pulled his friend into a hug, "There has also been some new developments in the war which I thought you might want to be briefed in."

Lily looked over at him, with both curiosity and concern, "New developments? Have more Order members been killed?"

Dumbledore shook his head, though he glanced over at Sirius a moment later. When Sirius said nothing, the old man went on, "A recent defection from the other side has been receiving vast amounts of attention for the past few days."

Lily felt a jolt of fear go through her, as Severus immediately came to her. She cleared her throat, "Who?"

"My stupid brother," Sirius' finally spoke for the first time since arriving before he walked over towards Harry, "How's my Godson?"

"Regulus?" James spoke up, looking between Dumbledore and Sirius, "Has he been found?"

"Yes, almost instantly," Dumbledore confirmed, "Within three days, as information has it. He had not been very secretive about this particular incident. In fact, I believe he is making a point of letting both sides know the extent to which he is willing to go in order to achieve his own aims."

Lily was barely listening to him, her thoughts once again with Severus. As far as she knew, he and Regulus had been rather close friends. She knew what it was like to lose friends to the war.

"You alright?" James asked Sirius, his voice concerned, as his friend proceeded to wake the sleeping baby.

"Yeah," Sirius replied in a dismissive tone, lifting Harry. The baby whimpered in protest at being wakened but, to Lily's relief, didn't start screaming again.

"As I said, I thought you might like some company," Dumbledore said, with a meaningful look at Sirius which indicated his true intentions.

James nodded appreciatively before their old headmaster turned and made his way from the house.

* * *

Severus was nursing a pounding headache the following afternoon as he sat quietly in the Malfoy's main living room.

He had woken late; sometime after ten and had found himself in one of the most comfortable beds he had ever had the pleasure of sleeping in. With a painful glance around the room he managed to identify it as one of the Malfoy's guest rooms; the one he had frequently occupied during his stays at the Manor. As if on cue, a moment later a house elf appeared with breakfast on a tray which only succeeded in setting off his nausea.

Pushing aside the great embarrassment he felt over his behavior the previous evening, he had made his way down to the parlor, where Narcissa had been sitting alone. Though he back was to him, he was fairly certain she had been crying by the trembling of her shoulders. She hadn't notice him enter the room and he had felt both guilty and uncomfortable at intruding on her private moment of grief; he had attempted to sneak back out of the room when Lucius had suddenly burst through the door. Narcissa had immediately tensed and made no move to acknowledge them.

Severus had begun to apologize to Lucius for his behavior the previous evening, but the older man had dismissed and interrupted him, obviously not wanting to discuss it.

Regulus wasn't something they discussed.

He had been to the Manor only once since Regulus' death and neither Lucius nor Narcissa had brought up the event.

But now, with Bellatrix Lestrange visiting, it was a rather hot topic of discussion. And Severus could feel his own fury mount with every word that came out of the other Death Eater's mouth.

"I can't believe he would shame our family this way," Bellatrix seethed, "Didn't even think twice about Aunt Walburga…"

"I don't think shame is the first thing on Aunt Walburga's mind, Bella," Narcissa said, her voice, which had remained calm for the first few minutes of the conversation, was now becoming terse.

Bellatrix only laughed.

"Narcissa is right," Lucius spoke up for the first time since the conversation began, "We should not upset you aunt or your parents any further with discussion of this…distasteful topic."

"In case you haven't noticed," Bellatrix sneered, "None of them are here. Uncle Orion must be tossing in his grave. Filthy little blood traitor."

Narcissa shot her a sharp look but the woman took no heed of it.

"To think what high hopes they put on him; and he pays them back like this. No better than his filthy brother and our bitch of a sister."

Severus, despite his own growing anger, noticed Narcissa's eyes flash dangerously as she shifted in her seat. Severus glanced over at Lucius, who was looking at his wife warningly.

"We do not know the reason for Regulus' defection," Narcissa spoke quietly, as if attempting to reign in her anger.

"Reason?" Bellatrix laughed, making Severus' blood boil, "He's a cowardly little bastard, that's the reason. Good thing he's dead. Last thing we need is another spineless brat letting the family down."

Narcissa was on her feet in an instant, standing squarely up to her sister, "One would think that the fact that he is family would elicit just the tiniest bit of remorse from you, Bella!"

Bellatrix, evidently surprised at her sister's response, eyed her up and down, "Don't tell me that _you _actually feel remorse for what has happened to him?"

Narcissa's jaw set as she met her sister's look evenly.

Bellatrix shook her head, laughing incredulously, "I can't believe this. My entire family is turning into spineless mudblood sympathizers!" her tone turned dangerous, leaning closer towards her, "Don't you know what the Dark Lord does to blood traitors?"

"Do not threaten my wife, Bellatrix," Lucius' dangerously calm voice interrupted her.

Bellatrix didn't actively acknowledge his interruption, though her direction of conversation changed, "Like I said, it's a good thing he's dead. It's a pity, though. I really would have liked to be the one to have captured him," Severus noticed Narcissa's hands clench and unclench as her sister continued, "Maybe then I would have had the honour of disposing of him for the Dark…"

The sound of flesh slapping flesh sounded throughout the room as Bellatrix's sentence came to an abrupt halt.

Lucius was on his feet instantly, his wand held tightly in his hand.

Bellatrix reached up to touch her cheek, which was already turning red and beginning to swell from the contact. She looked at her hand, then dangerously at her sister. She took a step closer to her, their faces mere inches apart as yanked her wand from her robe.

Lucius looked ready to disarm her, but Narcissa's voice stopped him.

"I feel sorry for you, Bella," Narcissa hissed at her, her eyes dangerous, "You really do have to rethink your priorities," she stepped closer still, "Regulus was more family to me than you ever have been," she grabbed her sister's hand, which still clutched her wand, and shoved her back roughly, her voice raising; "Get out of my house. I never want to see your face again."

Bellatrix looked at her, her expression slightly bewildered. Narcissa held her look. Bellatrix glanced towards Lucius who only raised an eyebrow, still holding his wand tightly. She suddenly smirked and took a step back, shaking her head. She made her way towards the door, before she turned to look back at them. She eyed them all suspiciously;

"The Dark Lord always knows when someone is disingenuous," she held Lucius look, before glancing in Severus' direction, "You two better watch yourselves."

Neither of them responded and, a second later, she swept from the room, slamming the door behind her.

Severus glanced over at Narcissa, whose eyes remained on the now-closed door. He could see the tears glimmer in her eyes, which he could tell she was trying to keep in. Lucius reached over, squeezing her hand gently in his.

Suddenly, following the events that had just passed, Severus felt an increase in his respect for the wife of his oldest friend.

* * *

Review Replies:

I'm really sorry, I was in such a hurry to get the last chapter out that I forgot to reply to the anonymous reviews for the chapter before it.

Cheshire Kitty: I'm very flattered that you think I write emotional scenes well – and glad, too, since they're my favourite ones to write. I agree with you that Regulus should have told Severus what he was going to do – if it wasn't already clear that he didn't in the books then I would have made him. As for the question, this chapter probably already answered it but yes, Andromeda and Sirius do find out that Regulus has died. Thanks very much for both reviews!

Noone: Thanks very much for the review. I'm glad you like the story.

Firsttimewriter: You're right that Julia did tell someone (her cousin, Evan Rosier) that Regulus was going to defect. From the books, I don't think that anyone knew how he died; if anyone on Voldemort's side knew they would have told him, and if anyone on the other side found out they'd have told Dumbledore. Since neither of them knew, I assume that no one else did either, so it made coming up with the whole explanation of how the explanation for his death got started.

It's stated in the last chapter that the Dark Lord traces his Death Eaters through their marks when anyone defects; this is his way of telling who is alive and who's dead, which is how he discovered Regulus death (that charm is made up, I think. I'm not sure if it's in the books that Voldemort can sense his Death Eater's deaths). But, because he knew Regulus had defected from Rosier's information, he fabricates his execution as a warning to his remaining followers.

Thanks very much for the review!


	58. Losing My Religion VI

Chapter Forty Nine

Severus stood off to the side, as a number of mourning Blacks gathered together in the small Church. The memorial service appeared to be a small one, with few pureblood families sending any representatives due to the 'disgrace' of the boy's death. Despite that, Severus noticed that neither Regulus' mother nor Narcissa's parents appeared to take any notice or concern of that fact. It seemed that the tarnishing that the Black name had experienced was made redundant in light of the boy's death; their love for him was stronger than their shame.

Severus was glad.

The only Black who wasn't present at the service was Bellatrix. Even Blacks who had been blasted from the family tapestry were there; Regulus' uncle who had supported Sirius Black when he ran away being one of them. Few people acknowledged his presence, except the similar 'blood traitors'. In fact, the people present had seemed to take the coming of shamed Blacks to the memorial without concern; they had simply ignored them. Out of respect for Regulus, he wondered.

Severus had seen Andromeda Tonks wandering the Church earlier, alone, having had the sense not to bring her husband and child with her. He had also seen Sirius Black lurking in the shadows, though he was being far more secretive about his presence.

Severus watched as Druella black glanced over in the direction of her middle daughter, who stood talking to her disowned uncle, with a look of longing in her eyes. He saw Narcissa follow her look and her surprise when she saw her sister there. A moment later, when Druella had turned her attention back to her sister-in-law, Narcissa left her present company and walked over in her direction.

Andromeda looked up in surprise as her younger sister approached and stepped in beside her. However, before a word was spoken, Lucius Malfoy was at his wife's side, his hand clasped tightly around her arm. He uttered something close to her ear before, with his arm remained rigid, he drew her away from the undesirable company with a barely concealed glare. When they had traveled a fair distance he released her and turned to her with a scowl. Severus could see Narcissa's irritated expression as she and her husband exchanged hushed, furious words, before she turned and strode down the isle of the Church and took a seat at the front between her mother and Aunt Walburga. Lucius glanced around the Church with an embarrassed look before making to sit directly behind her.

Severus, beginning to feel uncomfortable, slipped into the back row as the other guests began to take their seats, preparing to pay their respects to the youngest Black; the family heir.

As the service began, Severus saw Sirius Black slip into the saw pew as himself, though kept a fair distance between them. He glanced briefly at his nemesis, who did not acknowledge him, instead keeping his attention wholly on the picture of his younger brother, which stood on a stand at the front of the Church.

Severus shifted, feeling even more uncomfortable and slightly irritated for a reason he could not fathom, wishing the service was over.

These Blacks were more screwed up than he thought.

* * *

It was his birthday.

Severus wasn't sentimental. At least, he hadn't been for a while. When he was at Hogwarts he kept a photograph of himself and Lily at a muggle carnival under his pillow. A picture of them when they were nine years old; a reminder of the simplicity that being friends with one another had once been. It was the only one he had of her.

He burned it the night he found out she was seeing James Potter.

All the pictures he had of his mother he had thrown out after rifling through them for her funeral. He had gotten rid of all the photographs of his father when his mother started to lose her mind after his death. There were very few pictures of himself in the house; all of which were also disposed of.

He wasn't sentimental.

But sometimes he wished he had kept some of them. He was reminded of his father whenever he looked in the mirror; it wasn't fair that he was the parent who he could remember so well. He barely even remembered what his mother looked like now. He wondered if that's what it would soon be like with Lily. He would never see her again, he was sure of that. He hadn't even heard from her that day; and Lily had always made a point of teasing him about his birthday whenever she had the chance. Soon her face would fade from his mind; and memories would just be of a figure with no face. And green eyes.

Severus sighed as he looked down at his mother's wand, held lightly in his hand. It seemed like anything he ever came close to was destined to die.

He hadn't cried at Regulus' memorial; the hypocrisy of it all had taken away any meaning the service should have had. But he had cried before it, in the privacy of his own home. He found that if he didn't think on it then it was worse when the reality came crashing down on him again. So he kept Regulus at the forefront of his mind; it was either him or Lily and neither brought him much joy anymore.

He had never really thought on it before, always shied away from the idea; he was completely alone.

Regulus had betrayed the Black name, had brought shame on the family who had always demonstrated a strict fanaticism when it came to matters of family loyalty. But even in the end, all the ones who he had loved most had loved him enough to be there. They had come to respect, to mourn him. He had people. His death hurt people.

He had had so much to live for.

And Severus had nothing.

If it had been him who had died no one would have come to the memorial. In fact, he doubted there would even be a memorial.

When he was younger, much younger, he had been a dreamer. He had known he was a wizard from the beginning; had dreamed he would one day be one of the best. He would be respected, admired, even loved. And he would be happy. So very different from the way everything had turned out.

Severus rolled his eyes at himself, _'look at yourself, wallowing in self-pity. Pathetic.'_

This was just one of the reasons he hated birthdays; the inevitable reflection on your life so far.

A tentative knock on the back door surprised him. He turned in the direction of the kitchen, half expecting Regulus to barge through the open door. He swallowed down his disappointment and stood; no way was that soft knock Lucius. He felt his heart speed up as he anticipated opening the door and seeing Lily standing on the other side; everything forgiven.

However, when he did pull the door open, he was met with one of the faces he would never expect on his doorstep; he raised a surprised eyebrow, "Narcissa?"

Narcissa drew her hood down from her head, revealing herself fully, "Hello, Severus."

He immediately stood aside, allowing her shelter from the bitter cold, "Is…everything alright?" he asked as she stepped into the kitchen.

She nodded, rubbing her arms, "Yes, everything is fine. Lucius was planning on coming but…well, he was required elsewhere."

Severus nodded knowingly, as he closed the door, "Is there a particular reason he wished to visit?"

She grinned at him, the first thing close to a smile he had seen from her since Regulus' death; "Apparently today is a…special occasion."

Severus frowned at her for a moment, not understanding, before he rolled his eyes heavenward and walked by her into the living room, "I'm surprised he even remembered."

"It is marked on his calendar," she said, slight mirth in her tone as she followed him. He noticed her eye the room uncertainly for a moment. She had only ever been to his house once, over a year ago, when Lucius had brought her to him with a broken wrist, deeming the time it took to fetch him back to the Manor as too long to have to wait. At that time she had been in too much pain to really care about the surroundings, so inferior to her own. Severus couldn't help the slight embarrassment he felt, but she had quickly hidden any distaste she may have felt and taken a seat on the couch.

Severus shifted awkwardly on his feet, before he sat down next to her.

"No plans?" Narcissa asked, conversationally.

Severus shook his head, "No. I do not celebrate birthdays."

"Lucius and I haven't seen you since the funeral," Narcissa said, quietly, her voice shaking slightly, "Are you alright?"

Severus looked at her strangely for a moment, "Of course. Why would I not be?"

She avoided eye contact and shrugged, "You and Regulus were close."

Severus didn't miss the slight shimmer in her eyes when they turned towards the light and then realized the reason for her visit. Lucius, even if he did plan to come and commiserate his birthday with him, would not have requested that Narcissa do so in his stead. But if she expected to be able to come over and mourn with him, share stories and tears over the boy's recent death, then she would be sadly disappointed. He would not be so weak.

"As were the two of you," he offered.

Narcissa nodded slowly, keeping her eyes on the coffee table in front of them. After a moment she reached into her robes and pulled out a flat, neatly wrapped package, finished off with a pretty little bow. She glanced at him, holding it out to him, "Happy birthday."

Severus' suspicions were confirmed. Lucius Malfoy _never _gave gifts.

He looked at her cautiously, before he took the gift from her fingers. He stared at the wrapping of the package for a few moments. It was wrapped white, the bow was gold; simply, yet elegant, typically Malfoy.

He looked up and Narcissa raised her eyebrows briefly at him, an indication or a question as to whether or not he was going to open it. He reluctantly tugged at the bow and, immediately, the paper fell away neatly and he felt his stomach leap when his eyes rested on a familiar face beneath it. Staring back at him was Regulus, himself at his side, eyeing the boy exasperatedly; both of them were smiling, though the first was much brighter, laughing, as the boy had just flung his hand around his neck and draw him closer for the photograph about to be taken. Severus remember the occasion well; it had been Rosier's wedding.

He swallowed, as he was immediately reminded of the boy's smile; his playful manner. His friendship. Regulus had been the best friend he had had; ever. He had done things for him no one ever had.

Not even Lily.

He felt a sudden, unexpected emotion of thankfulness that he had been given the picture in his hand, framed in a heavy wooden border; that he would always be able to remember.

He bit his lip and forced his emotions to leave him, speaking so quietly it was almost a whisper, "Thank you." He risked a glance; her eyes were on the picture also, her eyes glimmering.

"I…I found it a few days ago," she said, "When we were at Grimmauld Place. I gave it to Regulus not long after it was taken; he framed it. I don't think he'd object to me taking it."

Severus nodded, forcing himself to refrain from thanking her again. There was no need to make this more emotional than it already seemed to be.

The two of them were silent for several moments, both of their eyes trained on the picture in his hand.

A moment later Narcissa finally spoke; "Lucius and I would like you to be Draco's Godfather."

Severus closed his eyes; that would do it.

He heard her shift to look at him. He opened his eyes, meeting hers. She bit her lip, "Would you consider it?"

Severus glanced back down at the picture, at the person who should have been the baby's Godfather. He swallowed, more memories coming to mind, and looked at Narcissa again. He nodded, "I'd be honoured."

She smiled at him, her eyes shimmering more than ever.

He glanced down at the picture, lifting it slightly, then looked back at her, "Big shoes to fill."

Her eyes snapped to his, evidently surprised at his indication of any feeling, of respect or of caring, being expressed. She looked down; he had just enough time to see a tear slip down her cheek before she shook slightly with a silent sob. She reached up, immediately covering her face, as she sobbed once again, quietly. Severus shifted in his seat, feeling incredibly uncomfortable but, at the same time, his own pent up emotions threatened to surface.

He looked down at the sobbing woman at his side, openly expressing what he had been feeling for over a week. He swallowed once again and shifted closer, cautiously slipping an arm around her shoulders. He felt her move in closer, her head tucking underneath his chin as her tears continued. He tightened his hold, more for himself than for her, seeking the comfort he had been looking for. He was surprised at how much comfort the feeling of having someone to hold was allowing him. Someone took take some of the burden of his pain.

He glanced down at the picture in his hands, hidden slightly by white blond hair, feeling a tear slip down his cheek. Perhaps he was sentimental after all.

* * *

Review Responses:

Cheshire Kitty: We should be seeing a bit of how Dumbledore acts regarding Regulus' death in the future. Thanks very much for the review.


	59. Losing My Religion VII

Chapter Fifty

Lily held Harry close as he slept in her arms, staring out the window at the greenery before her. They had been moved again the night before and the baby hadn't taken well to the change. That tight feeling in her stomach, that terror that had become so normal for her to feel was increasing as she reflected on their situation.

It had been several months since Severus had revealed to her the true reasons why she and her family were in hiding. She hadn't let Harry out of her sight since; hadn't left the confines of the sanctuaries that Dumbledore had provided for them. It was different when she thought he was after her; but him being after Harry – that changed everything.

She still couldn't really get her mind around it. The whole idea was preposterous and terrifying; it was her baby he wanted. She glanced down at the sleeping child in her arms; completely innocent, his life barely begun. It had taken her so long to understand the immediate danger he was in; the most evil wizard wanted him dead. But the prophecy, the idea of the prophecy; that was what drove her to despair.

It had taken a while for it all to sink in, for the true meaning behind it all. What it meant for the future. Severus had said that the baby had the power to defeat Voldemort; that _Harry _had the power to defeat him.

She shivered at the thought; did that mean that Harry was the _only _one who could defeat him? Was that her son's destiny? She held her baby tighter, pressing her lips to the top of his head. And if so, what did that mean for the rest of the Wizarding world? Harry wasn't even a year old, there was no way he would be able to defeat him _now._

So what did that mean? How old would he be? Would he still be a child? Or would he be a grown wizard, a man by the time this would happen? After all, there was no way she was going to let her little boy leave hiding to go and attempt to kill the most powerful dark wizard of all time, simply because some prophecy stated he had the power to do it.

She was certain that Voldemort had the power to defeat her son also!

She shook her head, as the other horrifying thought coming to her mind, one that she had pondered on frequently since she had put the pieces together. Did that mean the war was going to last until Harry came of age? That she and her family would have to remain in hiding for another sixteen years? _At least._

And then there was Alice; she and Frank were in hiding too, with Neville. Did that mean that Neville was the target? He was born at the end of July; from what Severus had said, he also fit the criteria to be Voldemort's destroyer meaning Harry may _not _be the one who can destroy him. Maybe they were all hiding for nothing; if he found them, they could die for nothing.

She closed her eyes, trying her best not to think about it. There was too much to think about; too many questions. Questions she would never get answers to. Not until they lived it.

She glanced over in James' direction. He looked so much older than he had a few months ago; being in hiding had taken its toll on him too. And he didn't even know the worse of it; he didn't know the truth of what they were facing. She had wanted to tell him; had been desperate to run to him and tell him that their baby was in danger. But she couldn't. How could she explain how she knew?

To explain would be to reveal the truth about her and Severus; what had transpired and that she had been associating with a Death Eater. She would reveal his identity as a Death Eater; the Order would kill him, even if Dumbledore did vouch for him. She was certain Sirius, even Remus, wouldn't think twice about going after him, particularly if they learned his part in the delivering the prophecy.

It was true what she had said; she couldn't ever forgive him for what he had done. For what he son must now live with. Even the as the months passed, as she came to realise that he wouldn't have done it if he had known, that he regretted what he had done...His regret changed nothing; his apologies and guilt didn't change anything.

He had sentenced her son to a life of being hunted, of hiding; her son would never have a childhood, would never run around freely with other children, could never see Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley or go to the Wizarding festivals. She doubted he would even see Hogwarts.

He had robbed her son of his childhood; of his life.

It didn't matter that he was sorry. It didn't matter how he felt about her or how she felt about him. She couldn't forgive him for what he had done. It was too big.

But, at the same time, she couldn't bring herself to reveal the truth to her husband or to her friends. She couldn't bear the thought of something happening to him because of her.

XXX

Severus barely felt the ground beneath his feet as he made his way to his meeting place with Dumbledore. He hoped it wouldn't take long. The Dark Lord needed the potion brewed by the next meeting and he had to collect some ingredients before nightfall. It was all he did these days; the Dark Lord's bidding, reporting to Dumbledore. Bouncing back and forth between them; the Dark Lord's slave and Dumbledore's puppet.

He didn't care.

He was numb. Had been for months. Regulus' death had left a hole in his life that had surprised him; and he hadn't seen Lily since that fateful night the year before.

As far as he was concerned, he had nothing to live for. No reason to wake up in the morning. He didn't believe in either cause; he didn't believe in blood purity but he didn't care enough to fight against it. Not really. What mattered was that Lily was safe; she was alive.

That's what it all came down to; she was alive.

But even then he knew that his life didn't matter; not _really. _After all, the Potters were Dumbledore's soldiers and the baby, this _Harry Potter, _was going to be the Wizarding world's saviour. Sure, Severus would do Dumbledore's bidding, would follow his orders, would risk his life everyday but, even then, he knew that it didn't matter. Dumbledore would keep them safe anyway, if not because he cared about them then because he knew that the boy was their shining light, their hope.

If he died it wouldn't really matter.

That's why he wasn't afraid. He wasn't scared when he went to his Death Eater meetings; he wasn't scared as he related each and every event to Dumbledore. He wasn't afraid when the Dark Lord ordered his silence and stared into his eyes, pulling up his memories and his emotions. If he died, it didn't matter. He didn't care.

If he died in service of Dumbledore, the old man would continue to keep his promise. If he died, Lily would still be safe.

That was what mattered.

That's what he told himself because, if it for protecting her; he didn't have anything to live for.

His mind drifted to Regulus; dead in some unknown location. A boy that had had _everything _to live for; Severus found himself becoming furious again. It often happened when he thought about him. That childish voice within him that would cry _'it's not fair' _was always there when he thought about Regulus. And he agreed with that childish part of him; it _wasn't _fair.

But life wasn't fair and, after all he had seen in his life, he should know better to expect it to be. He could look at his own life as evidence of that, but he could also look to the lives of others and see it there too;

He could look at Lily's life, at what had become of her; could see that she deserved more. Could even think of her son and the life he would now face, simply for being born at the wrong time.

He could look at Regulus' life and cry out and yell that it wasn't the boy's fault he became a Death Eater; that his family had pushed him into it; that Sirius Black should have taken his brother with him. Could scream at the spirits in the sky that it wasn't fair that they took him. But to what end? It wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't bring him back.

He was dead.

He noticed Dumbledore was already waiting for him. He felt his heart beating fast as he struggled to push back the feelings thoughts about Regulus' death had evoked.

"I do not like to be kept waiting, Severus," Dumbledore's voice was stern; "I am a busy man, with a lot to do in these trying times."

Severus looked up at him sharply and scowled, suddenly remembering that Regulus had once come to this man for help. That he had turned him away. He forced himself to ignore those thoughts; it would not do to get into a dispute with Lily's protector.

"The meeting went on longer than I had expected," Severus offered as way of explanation.

"And what news do you bring me today?" Dumbledore got straight to the point.

Severus unconsciously rubbed the Dark Mark, "The Dark Lord continues to search for the Potters," he looked at him searchingly, "He stated that they were recently relocated."

Dumbledore looked startled at that for a moment; Severus, nerves on edge, felt himself become irritated.

"Which obviously means you still haven't caught your spy."

Dumbledore held the man's look evenly for a few moments before he responded, "You needn't concern yourself with such matters, Severus. Only I and the Potters themselves know the whereabouts of the relocation."

Severus felt himself relax somewhat but the continued presence of the man before him continued to irritate him. He really despised this man.

"What other news?"

"That is all."

Dumbledore looked unimpressed, "This is all the information you have?"

Severus felt himself grow frustrated, "Yes. Though it is hardly unimportant."

Dumbledore regarded him, coolly.

"You have a spy, you need to find out who it is," Severus persisted, feeling himself grow hot.

"Thank you for your input, Severus," Dumbledore responded, "I am aware of that." He made to leave, "If that is all, I expect to hear from you within the next week."

Severus watched as the older man turned his back and began to make his way through the forest. He swallowed, feeling himself grow agitated; Regulus back on his mind. He took a step after him; "Wait."

Dumbledore stopped in his tracks and turned to face him, "Something more, Severus?"

Severus hesitated, not quite sure how to continue, before he stepped forward, "He came to you," at Dumbledore's impassive stare he elaborated, "Regulus Black."

Severus noticed an emotion he couldn't quite identify flash in Dumbledore's eyes and in a second it was gone. Dumbledore appeared slightly surprised at Severus' statement but, after a few long seconds, nodded, "He did."

The calm response he had received riled Severus further. He eyes darkened as he continued, "He asked you for help."

Dumbledore touched his chin, looking thoughtful, "That's not how I remember it."

Severus glowered at him, "He told me that he came to you."

Dumbledore regarded him for a moment, his eyes and expression revealing nothing. The old man looked at him searchingly for a moment, curiosity becoming evident, "The young Mr Black offered me information, in exchange for something in return."

"Yes," Severus stepped towards him, feeling anger bubbling within him, "For help; an escape."

Dumbledore remained impassively calm, infuriating Severus further, "As I explained to Mr Black; I do not make deals with Voldemort's followers."

Severus' eyebrows lowered, "Then why did you make a deal with me?"

Dumbledore did not responded, only continued to regard him with cool disregard. Severus knew the answer; it _wasn't_ a deal. He would have been foolish not to have taken advantage of the opportunity. They both knew Dumbledore would have protected the Potters, even if Severus had refused to give the old man anything in return. They both knew Severus had played his cards wrongly; that he had come to him a desperate man, begging for the life of someone he loved. Dumbledore had seen that, had seen he would have done anything, and he used it to his advantage; in doing so, he had gained a spy.

Severus was almost shaking with anger, "You could have _saved _him," he ground out.

"It is not my responsibility to save the lives of Death Eaters who come to regret the consequences of their actions," the old man stated, "Goodnight, Severus." With that, he turned and left.

Severus' eyes narrowed; the old man's meaning was clear. He shouldn't expect Dumbledore to save _his _life, should the time ever come that he would need him to. Once again, Severus found that he didn't care.

His life wasn't worth anything, anyway.

XXX

Goodness, it's been a while since I've updated this and would just like to apologise to the readers I have left hanging with this story. I had intended on re-writing this story, due to some inconsistencies that had come up during the course of the fic, however the re-write went completely off-course almost immediately so became as story of its own. As such, I've come back to this version and intend to complete it before life starts getting hectic again. As it's now the summer before Voldemort's fall, there's not too many chapters left to go so it'll soon be coming to an end.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter and the remaining ones of the story!


	60. Losing My Religion VIII

Chapter Fifty One

Something was wrong with Remus.

Lily watched him as he stood by the window, looking out at the vast nothingness one the other side of it. It wasn't even possible to look out that window and imagine anything good; you couldn't look at trees and make up stories to yourself about the various inhabitants and things that could go on within them. You couldn't look at wildflowers and marvel at their beauty. Even birds avoided the area. It was just grass and horizon.

She wondered at it; surely the cottage Dumbledore had put them up in needed more concealment to be effective. Death Eaters could spot the place a mile away.

But she supposed that didn't really matter if what Sirius was saying were true. Remus shifted, as if he knew the direction her thoughts had taken. He didn't look at her, as if he were ashamed, and kept his eyes outside.

He was visiting them.

Sirius had vehemently insisted against it; _he could be the spy._

James didn't believe it. His faith in his friends was steadfast, always, and the idea that any of them wouldn't return such devotion was blasphemous to him.

Lily didn't believe it either.

There had been a spy within the Order for a long time now; it didn't make sense for it to be him. He knew every location they had been moved around since they went into hiding. Even if they were not their friends, logically it couldn't be them one of them; Remus, Sirius or Peter.

But the war was changing Sirius; he wasn't as carefree and reckless as he had been before. It was a gradual change that she had noticed ever since Voldemort had started hunting them; hunting his best friend. And when Regulus Black had been executed by him for defection, Sirius' fear for James' life had become much more apparent.

Remus caught her eye and gave a shaky smile; "Sorry, I'm not much company tonight."

Neither she nor James responded at first; she glanced at her husband, wondering if he was beginning to take Sirius' warning to her. She looked back at their old friend and shook her head;

"I don't think many of us are much company anymore. The war has taken away the best of us."

Remus' eyes lowered a moment and she frowned, wonderingly. Every wrong movement was a sign; a warning. But then he nodded and walked over, taking a seat next to her on the couch.

"Did you hear about the McKinnons?" Remus asked, sombrely.

Lily felt a tug at her heart and nodded, sadness washing over her suddenly as she was reminded about the massacre of her friend and her family. She made to respond however James was having none of it. He couldn't stand to hear talk about the war anymore.

"Did you see the broom Sirius got Harry, Moony?" James attempted to sound upbeat as he lifted the toy from the floor, "He loves it. He's going to be a star Quidditch player one day."

James hesitated and then grinned, pointing the end of the broom at Lily; "Just you wait. Right now you can't stand the game, but you'll soon be standing in the stalls every week with the rest of us and then bam! You'll be converted."

Remus chuckled, glancing at her with a glimmer of that old smile she knew; "That I'd like to see."

Lily couldn't help smiling in response, the look on his face reminding her of the boy she had met in Hogwarts, but the back of her mind whispered a warning; told her to be practical. Harry would probably never see a Quidditch field, would never even see Hogwarts.

She pushed those thoughts to the back of her mind.

"Does Dumbledore still have you working undercover with the werewolves?"

"Lily," James looked irritated, "Do we have to talk about that?"

"Just because we're not involved anymore doesn't mean we should keep ourselves updated."

"Get all the updates we need; people fight, people die. We stay safely cooped up in a little house listening to the stories about how brave they were and how they will be remembered –"

"Prongs," Remus rubbed a hand over his face, looking tired, "Don't start."

"What do you mean 'don't start'?" James growled at him, "It's alright for you; you're out there fighting for the cause!"

"Believe me, I'd rather be sitting comfortably in a house," Remus snapped.

James looked at him, his expression a mixture of confusion and suspicion; "What do you mean?"

Remus frowned at him; "What?"

"You just said you don't want to fight for the Order anymore."

"I never said that," Remus looked utterly bewildered, "I said –"

"You said you'd rather be sitting at home, hence not fighting –"

"Of course I don't want to be fighting. Do _you _want to fight –"

"Yes!" James' voice rose, heatedly, "Yes, I do! And so does Lily; so does everyone in the Order! Everyone except you, apparently –"

"James, I don't think that's what Remus meant," Lily attempted to calm him. She looked at Remus questioningly, but he remained confused as he met her eyes, clearly having no idea about the suspicions that were currently circling about him.

"I...sorry," Remus looked around, frowning slightly, "I didn't mean..." he stood up, "I'm just not feeling great. Full moon's coming, you know," he glanced at the window as he said it. He looked at James with a frown, "Sorry. I'll come back next week."

James was looking at him strangely; Remus seemed oblivious to the look in his eyes, not having enough information to really comprehend it, but Lily could see it. She saw suspicion. The first seeds of doubt planted in his mind.

Lily glanced up at Remus; no. It couldn't be true. She looked back at James, who shook his head and stood, the look in his eyes gone.

"I'm just on edge, Moony," James' voice shook slightly, "Yeah, come back next week. You can see Harry next time; we'll try and keep him awake until you come by."

"I'll come earlier," Remus promised, before he reached over, squeezing James' shoulder affectionately, then looked in Lily's direction, "Bye Lily."

"Bye, Remus," she smiled warmly at him.

"It was good to see you," James called after him as he left, but Lily could detect that same look in his eyes before and knew that James was trying to fight against it. He didn't want to believe that his friend could be capable of it.

But what if he were?

Lily shook the thought away. No, not Remus. It couldn't be Remus.

But the seeds of doubt were planted. And now all they could do was grow.

XXX

Severus stood among his fellow Death Eaters, listening carefully for anything that would be of use to Dumbledore. Every moment of his waking hours were spent attempting to soak up information for the old man; desperately hoping to keep him satisfied. At the same time, he avoided Lucius. He knew that his old friend was well placed for information; however the idea of taking information from him, the idea of using Lucius and betraying him directly was abominable to him.

At that moment the Dark Lord entered and silence descended like darkness over the room. They all kept their focus on their master, their eyes lowered to his feet as they did so, before they began their welcoming ritual.

The Dark Lord stood, looking contemplative around the room, drawing out the silence a little longer. Finally, he turned to Rosier;

"How is your wife, Rosier?"

There were ripples around the room at the question but none of them vocalised; only a change in behaviour, as they wondered at the question. Because, as everyone in the room knew, the Dark Lord included: Rosier's wife was dead. She had been killed by Order members barely a week past.

Severus saw Rosier stiffen, saw the pain in his expression before he quickly concealed it. He felt some pity for the man; only some. He found it difficult to muster up any feeling for the man, a former friend, anymore; after all, it was he who revealed Regulus' defection to the Dark Lord. It was he who had gotten him killed. Severus quickly controlled the growing hatred within him. Such strong emotions would not do while in the presence of his master.

"Dead, my Lord."

"That is unfortunate, is it not?" the Dark Lord's eyes moved around the circle; each Death Eater nodded as his eyes reached them, the first few very uncertainly, as if unsure if that was the response he was hoping for.

"It is unfortunate, indeed," the Dark Lord stroked Nagini's head, looking thoughtful, "Killed by Order members, no less. How they discovered Rosier's identity as a Death Eater is obvious," his eyes glinted dangerously, as he scanned the room; "And believe me, when the identity of their spy is discovered..." he let the statement linger and die on his tongue.

He looked bored suddenly; "Well, justice must be sought, I'm sure you would agree, Rosier? So that is all. Avenge this death. Lucius, I believe you have discovered the whereabouts of some Order members; take a group with you. Make them suffer." He waved a hand in dismissal.

The group dispersed relief apparent that the meeting had been so short. And lacking in victimisation. That was unusual. But no one complained and Severus was preparing to go to Dumbledore with the information when he was stopped cold in his tracks by his master's voice;

"Severus."

He turned and made his way back to his master's feet without question or delay. He was well trained, by now. He bowed his head; "My Lord."

The Dark Lord waited until the door clicked behind the last person to leave; "There is a spy within our ranks."

Severus felt a stab of terror strike him but maintained his calm demeanour; had he been discovered? He quickly pushed such thoughts to the back of his mind, focusing only on his occlumency shields. They couldn't waver now.

"Which means I require one of my own."

Severus fought against the frown that almost came. What? There is already a spy; Severus knew that with certainty.

"It has come to my attention that a Professor Slughorn does not intend to return to Hogwarts this upcoming term," the Dark Lord drawled, "I believe you are acquainted with him?"

"Yes, my Lord. He is the Potions Professor."

"And who better to replace him than a Potions Master," the Dark Lord had barely waited until Severus had finished his statement before speaking; "That is your assignment."

Severus didn't have to ask his master to elaborate, the request was clear. Severus was to infiltrate Hogwarts. That was his master's next step. Severus bowed his head; "Yes, my Lord. I shall go to Dumbledore directly."

The Dark Lord said nothing but Severus felt his eyes on him as he turned and made his way from the room. He was to go to Dumbledore, as always. He wondered what the old man would think. Would he agree to the request? Would he be accepted as Slughorn's replacement?

Severus hoped not. He was certain the punishment he would receive from the Dark Lord would be nothing compared to the torture he would have to endure if he were to set foot in that place again.

Hogwarts. Once upon a time it had been his childhood dream. Now; Severus could find no better word to describe it than hell.


	61. Interlude VIII

Interlude VIII

_Hogwarts, September 1971_

Severus was excited. He'd spent his first night at Hogwarts and was now on his way to his first class; potions. And it was a class the Slytherins were to share with the Gryffindors, so he'd get to see Lily. He hoped she wouldn't already be sitting there with someone from her house; according to their timetable they only had two classes together this term.

It wasn't what he had imagined; that he and Lily would be separated by the Sorting Hat. But it didn't matter, he quickly assured himself; they were still at Hogwarts together and, really, they should be concentrating in class anyway. They could be together once classes were over. Maybe they could go down to the lake that afternoon; they had seen part of it the night before and had been keen to see how it compared to 'their' river back home. He was sure it would be superior in every way.

He hurried down the corridor, ignoring the earlier suggestion by one of his housemates, Mulciber, that they go down to the class together. He didn't want one of his housemates sitting down next to him in the class either. They last thing he wanted was to refuse and then for Lily to choose to sit next to one of hers; that would be far too humiliating for his first class. He was the first to arrive, not that surprising, but a few other students followed him into the room. He unabashedly made his way to the desk at the front of the class and sat down, glancing towards the door in search of his best friend.

Lily appeared mere seconds later, chatting animatedly with two Gryffindor girls as they entered the room. Severus felt himself become disappointed, realising she had most likely found someone to sit with. However, she glanced his way and smiled brightly in his direction, before saying something to the girls she was with and heading over to him.

"Hi Sev!" Lily plopped down onto the stool next to him, "We got a class together, isn't that great?"

Severus gave her a small smile and nodded.

"How was your first night?" she carried on, as she rummaged about her bag for her textbook, "Everyone in Gryffindor is so nice," she held up her wrist to him, from which a braded bracelet now hung, "Look, one of the third year girls made this for me. Alice, I think her name was."

"That was nice of her," Severus replied, out of politeness, eyeing the unimpressive piece of jewellery with little interest.

"I hardly slept at all, everyone was so excited," she carried on, speaking excitedly, "There's this girl, Marlene, she likes to read books! My kind of books, I mean," she paused before elaborating, looking slightly uncomfortable, "Muggle books." She never felt comfortable referring to what she considered 'normal' as 'muggle'.

"Did you manage to do the reading for today?" Severus asked, not at all interested in these Gryffindor girls.

"Yeah, I did it last week when we got our textbooks," she rolled her eyes, grinning at him, "Just like you told me to, remember?"

Severus shrugged, "Don't hurt to brush up before class."

"There wasn't time," Lily dropped her book onto the desk, her tone becoming animated again, "We were playing games almost all night, even after lights went out. I think the prefects were going to go nuts; they couldn't get us to go to sleep until they threatened to get Professor McGonnagall. She's so serious and scary, don't you think?"

Severus didn't answer, having made a horrifying discovery as he reached into his backpack; he had lifted his Transfigurations textbook, rather than his potions one in his rush to get to the class. Severus glanced at the timepiece; class was meant to start now. He quickly jumped off his stool, "I've got the wrong textbook."

"You can share mine," Lily offered quickly, but he hurried past her, preparing to run the whole way to the dungeons for the book and back, however collided almost immediately with the chest of Professor Slughorn, his head of house.

"What's this? Mr Snape?" the Professor raised an eyebrow, with a slight smile, though not entirely friendly, "Where are you rushing off to? According to my timepiece," he looked at it for emphasis, "class is now in session."

"I...I'm sorry, Professor," Severus almost stammered, for he was so horrified and nervous to be addressed in the now silent classroom, "I was going to retrieve my Potions textbook, I mistook -"

"Your textbook?" Slughorn made a small collection of 'tutting' sounds, "Coming unprepared to your first class, that is hardly acceptable is it, Mr Snape?"

"N-no, Sir," Severus felt his face grow hot with humiliation and, to his horror, noticed the insufferable Gryffindor boys from the Hogwarts Express smirking at him from a desk nearby.

"He can share my textbook, Sir," Severus heard Lily's voice sound behind him.

"Ah, you are in luck, Mr Snape," Slughorn suddenly beamed in Lily's direction, "Miss -, what is your name, dear?"

"Evans, Lily Evans."

"Miss Evans has come to your rescue," he waved a hand in her direction, "Now, be seated. We do not want to delay the class any longer now, do we?"

Severus' face was so hot he was sure eggs could be fried on it as he scurried back to his stool, tipping his head forward so his hair could hide his face from view of his classmates. Lily gave him a sympathetic smile which he did not return; instead he glared at the back of the Professor as he made his way to the front of the class to introduce himself.

Slughorn babbled on for a good twenty minutes before he allowed them to get to work on a potion; a boil cure. How demeaning, Severus almost rolled his eyes when it was assigned. Any simpleton could brew such a potion; he was here to learn things of use.

However, after the humiliation he had felt earlier on, he held his tongue and set about gathering the ingredients necessary. He was on his way back, a small jar of stewed horned slugs in one hand and porcupine quills in the other, when his foot caught on something and he found himself falling ungracefully to the floor; the jar of stewed slugs smashing and the porcupine quills stabbing into the hand that held him. He yelped in pain as he hit the stone floor.

"What it, Snivellus," the Gryffindor bastard, Potter, remarked, before sharing a snicker with the black haired boy next to him. Severus realised it was Potter's foot that had caught his and scowled, vowing to get back at him for this, as he heard amused sniggers fill the room.

"Mr Snape," Slughorn was suddenly at his side, "Are you injured?"

"No," Severus quickly got to his feet, wincing at the quills that protruded from his palm and the deep cut that now graced the other.

"Oh dear," Slughorn said, his tone incredibly dramatic, "This just isn't you day, is it, boy? You had better get yourself to the hospital wing."

"Really, I'm fine," Severus attempted to pull out the quills, however his Professor gasped, again with an overdramatic air, and stopped his movements.

"No, you mustn't touch them. Go to the hospital wing immediately. Miss Evans, perhaps you will accompany him?" he turned to Lily, who had in the meantime come to his side. She nodded, looking at Severus in concern and, taking his arm, led him from the room.

Over an hour later, Severus and Lily made their way back to the class to retrieve their backpacks, the class now being over, and made their way out into the courtyard where recess was taking place.

"Does it hurt?"

"No," Severus looked at his hands; not a mark remained on them as evidence, thank Merlin.

"Look, there's Marlene and Persephone. Come on, I want you to meet them."

"Can't we just stay here?" Severus looked reluctantly in the direction she had pointed, "I really don't feel like meeting new people."

"It's only our first day; don't you think you should make new friends?"

"With Gryffindor girls? No thanks."

Lily looked like she was about to insist before she shrugged and set her backpack down on the ground, sitting down on the wall. He took a seat next to her and the two talked about what they had done in their respective common rooms the evening before. However, as they were doing so, Severus noticed several unfriendly glances in their direction, whispered comments going on at the same time.

At first he thought they had heard about what had happened in the Potions classroom and that they were mocking his foolishness. However, upon closer inspection he realised that some of them were older students who wouldn't care about such nonsense; that the glances were too hostile.

Severus turned his attention back to Lily, who had continued talking happily, oblivious to the looks they were drawing. He focused to her smile, the playfulness of her tone; that familiar light in her eyes and responded as he always had when they were back home.

But he couldn't shake the discomfort he felt at the disapproving glances being sent their way. He couldn't help the apprehension that was beginning to overcome him. And he couldn't help the unease that he knew exactly what the looks being sent their way meant. And what that meant for their future at Hogwarts.

XXX

Well, after a long break we're now onto the final stint of this story. After this chapter we have approximately seven chapters left, all of them mapped out and ready to go, just in time to coincide with the last film. Thanks to everyone who's stuck by this story all this time and for all your kind reviews so far. I hope you enjoy the final chapters.


	62. Deliverance I

Chapter Fifty-Two

Dumbledore had found the Dark Lord's assignment to be almost delightful and had immediately agreed that Severus should come and take over the job of Potions Master at Hogwarts beginning the following school year, without so much as an interview.

Severus was mildly surprised that Dumbledore would be so willing to have a Death Eater come and work with the students at the school however, upon further reflection, realised that it was the smartest thing for the old man to do, in terms of the war effort. Which, to Severus, seemed to be all that the old man cared about. After all, now he was able to communicate with his spy with ease at whatever time suited him and he was able to keep him under observation. Yes, Severus supposed his new position as Potions Master at Hogwarts was delightful to both his masters.

To him, however, it was not so. And he had spent the months of summer dreading the first day of term and his return to the school that had made his, already pitiful, life hell for seven years. Some of the children, the students there, would have known him from when he was still at school. And the professors, those who had taught him, would now be his colleagues...

Severus was becoming good at it now; at mastering his emotions. He was able to detach himself completely from situations and memories that may have upset him; he was able to think back on his times with Regulus without the same pain he had felt in the immediate aftermath of his death. He was able to remember the last time he had seen Lily, almost a year ago now, and the fact that she hated him with detached reflection. He could look into the Dark Lord's eyes without fear of discovery.

He could return to Hogwarts, go back to where it all started, and teach a new generation of students; he could maintain the pretence of Potions Master, while spying on his friends and reporting their actions to a man he despised more than anyone other than the Dark Lord himself. It was ironic, really; here he was, a servant to the two men he hated most in the world. This was where Hogwarts had gotten him.

And now it was time for him to fill the heads of children with the same hopes, the same promises and dreams that had been promised to him as a child. No; that he would not do. He would not fill their heads with such nonsense; they may as well know from the start what the world is like and be prepared for it.

His first class was progressing disastrously. Something he had never really reflected on before; he despised children. At least, he despised foolish, insolent children who didn't recognise the need for an education in these desperate times and that's what these children were proving themselves to be. And this was his NEWTs class? He dreaded to meet the rest of his assigned students.

"Barely graduated himself," a soft mutter met Severus' ear.

What was worse; the students in this class remembered him. How, he didn't know; other than the times he was the subject of Potter and Black's pranks, he had felt almost invisible, especially to the younger students whom he never interacted with. He had heard frequent mutterings from them throughout the class, none of them particularly insulting as of yet, but they made him certain that they knew exactly who he was.

"Hasn't even had a real job, my dad says. Completely unqualified to teach us."

"Something you would like to share with the rest of the class, Mr Pearson?"

"No," the boy retorted, insolently. Severus caught the smirks exchanged between some students in the back; Gryffindors.

"Gryffindor, isn't it?" Severus eyed the red scarf on Pearson's desk, "I hope your classmates will forgive you the loss of ten points for muttering during class."

The boy scowled at him unabashedly, with complete distain, and Severus struggled with the conflict within him; to respond like the professor he was supposed to be or like the boy that he was. Because when he was back in this place, he felt more like a boy than he had ever been.

Severus swallowed his pride and turned his back on the students, "Back to your potions."

"Whatever you say, Snivellus."

Severus spun on his heels to face the class, most of them unsuccessfully concealing their smirks, and none of them looking at all guilty or proud enough for him to identify the culprit. Severus scowled in a way he hadn't done in the three years since he had left this place; "Fifty points from Gryffindor."

His tone came out louder than he, or the students had expected and a silence descended over the room.

Severus reigned in his treacherous display of anger and humiliation, forcing himself into a calmness that he had been fighting to master, "And, as I can see your potions are nowhere near completion, you will all complete an essay due first thing tomorrow morning detailing the ingredients and steps necessary to brew this potion. Each and every incomplete or unacceptable submission will be met with a deduction of ten points from your house," Severus held the glares of his students for a few moments, before raising an eyebrow, "Tidy up your desks. Class dismissed."

As the students grumbled and made their way from the room, Severus sat back down in his chair behind the desk that Slughorn had once taught him from and remembered his first day in this room as a child. What a disaster that had been too. But then what wasn't; he should know by now not to expect any more than that.

XXX

"Mummy, look!" Harry pointed at the roof, where Sirius was levitating his toy dinosaurs.

Lily laughed and swung him up into her arms from the floor, "Yes, I see them."

"Fly!" Harry beamed reaching for them excitedly.

"Did you hear that, Lil'?" James grinned, standing from where he was sitting to reach for his son, "He said 'fly'!"

"That's no wonder, the way he flies around on that toy broom Sirius gave him."

"Ssriss," Harry attempted to repeat the name of his favourite uncle, immediately reaching to be held by him when his father lifted him from his mother's arms.

Lily smiled at her son as he eagerly went to Sirius, tugging on the older man's long hair as he did so. She almost envied her son's innocence; his excited and delighted nature over such simple things, no idea of the danger that lurked just beyond the four walls that surrounded them. But then she remembered the future he faced, if it could even be called that; always hunted and, if the prophecy turned out to be true, to take on the burden of the rest of the Wizarding World and rid them of the evil that was growing around them.

The idea was horrifying for so many reasons. She looked at Harry, a baby, and could scarcely imagine that he would be the one to save them all. The idea that he would be the one to face such a monster, that he would be put in so much danger. How could he survive that? And, even if he were to become powerful enough to defeat him, that would not be any time soon. How long would the world have to endure You-Know-Who's reign? Who would even survive long enough to see it end? The idea that the war could possibly go on for so long was devastating; they barely had anything left to lose.

"Did you hear that?" the concern in Sirius' voice brought her back to reality. Lily could swear she heard the cackle of laughter.

Before anyone in the house could respond, the door to the cottage burst open; Bellatrix Lestrange stood at the opening, unmasked, with two masked Death Eaters by her side, grinning when she caught sight of Sirius.

"Well," she stepped inside, eyeing him disdainfully, "If it isn't my treacherous cousin. Looks like it's time for you to follow your little brother to hell."

Sirius shifted Harry to his hip as he raised his wand, his eyes darkening at her statement. James lifted his wand, stepping in front of them, "Get out of here if you know what's good for you, Bellatrix."

Bellatrix gave a small, though manic sounding, laugh, shaking her head, "Always were the arrogant squid of the pack, weren't you, Potter. What's this? The rest of your brood not here to protect you?"

"Enough of this," one of the Death Eaters snapped at his side, impatiently, before he quickly fired a 'sectumsempra' their way, barely missing Sirius and Harry as he did so.

"The Dark Lord wants the boy alive, idiot!" Bellatrix growled as she deflected another curse sent her way, before the room was filled with the flashing of spells and curses being thrown and deflected throughout the room.

Lily could hear Harry crying and struggled to focus on the Death Eater who appeared to be targeting only her; sent a 'stupefy'; deflected a 'crucio'; sent a 'sectrumsempra' and hit him on the arm but it wasn't focused enough to do real damage. In the second she had turned to steal a glance at Harry, she felt herself be hit and fell to the ground as an excruciating pain wracked through her body.

"Lil'!"

The pain stopped almost as quickly as it started, but her body still shook with the aftershock of the curse. She grasped at her wand that she had dropped and hit the Death Eater with the same curse he had inflicted; she was sure she recognised the sharp cry and hiss to be that of Lucius Malfoy.

"Let's go!" she felt James grab her arm and pull her towards the exit.

"Harry!"

"Sirius has him!" James continued to pull her from the room, "Outside! Come on!" The two of them hurried into the garden, where Sirius was fending off Bellatrix, "Impedimenta!"

As Bellatrix was thrown back, she and James hurried to Sirius and dissaparated.


	63. Deliverance II

Chapter Fifty-Three

Dumbledore was sitting behind his desk and had been staring silently at the items upon it since they had related the events that had taken place at the cottage.

Harry whimpered and shifted restlessly in her arms and she loosened the tight hold she had had of him since she had taken him from Sirius when they arrived. She buried her nose in his hair, pressing a kiss to his head, trying to push the terrifying thoughts that had continued to pass through her mind since the attack. What if they had succeeded? They had been after her baby.

This was the first time they had been attacked since Harry had been targeted. It all made the threat so much more clear; so much more terrifying. And James wanted answers; he wanted to know why You-Know-Who wanted his son.

"I have not been completely open with you all about the reason why Voldemort is hunting you," Dumbledore began, without raising his eyes, "I believed it was best that you not know."

"It's bad enough that we can't fight in this war," James glared at their old professor; "The least you can do is be honest with us as to why."

"You are right, of course," Dumbledore nodded, raising his eyes, this time to rest of Harry. Lily swallowed, holding him closer, becoming nervous about what he was about to say. She had known about this for so long; knew exactly that it was Harry they were after, the reason they were after him. It was all she had thought about. How was she supposed to react?

"A prophecy was made," Dumbledore began, "A prophecy which stated that a child was to be born, and that this child would have the power to defeat Voldemort."

Lily forced herself to hold his eyes when he raised his to meet hers.

"Voldemort believes that child to be Harry."

"So it's true then? He's after Harry."

"That is correct."

James turned to look at her; she was careful to avoid his eyes, instead turning her attention to Harry, lifting him into a hug; "That's ridiculous."

"Someone must defeat him," Dumbledore raised an eyebrow at her; though she thought he looked suspicious as he did so.

"Harry is a baby," she narrowed her eyes at him, "This war couldn't possibly last long enough for Harry to have to face him."

"Perhaps the war will end; perhaps we will not succeed. Perhaps then, many years from now, it will be your son who –"

"Stop it," Lily interrupted him, feeling an anger bubble inside her, "This is someone's life you're talking about. Not some story."

"I am well aware of that, Lily."

"Do you think it's true?" Sirius spoke up, leaning forward in his seat, "Harry's gonna defeat him?"

"Voldemort believes it is true, that is all that matters right now," Dumbledore said with a dismissive tone that infuriated her, "For now we must ensure that he is safe. Clearly they are getting closer and more substantial methods must be used to protect the three of you."

"More substantial?" James repeated, his tone almost incredulous, "Is that even possible? We've been locked up in a cabin in the wilderness for a year, how much more substantial can we get?"

"Clearly these methods are not working," Dumbledore spoke sternly, "And I would have thought that the threat to your son's life would encourage you to be more willing to take whatever methods necessary to remain concealed."

"Of course," Lily shot James a look, "What did you have in mind, Professor?"

"Sirius, perhaps you had better leave," Dumbledore addressed their friend.

"Whatever you say to us can be said in front of him," James spoke up quickly, "He loves Harry just as much as us."

"The fewer people that know, the more effective –"

"He's staying."

"Listen, mate, I don't mind –"

"You're not getting out of this that easily, Padfoot," James shot him a smirk, before turning a serious expression back to the headmaster, "What's the plan?"

Dumbledore was silent for a moment, looking at the three of them in turn, "You are all aware of the Fidelius Charm, I am sure?"

Lily nodded, "The charm used to protect Headquarters. You want to use it on a location to hide us?"

"I believe that is the best option. It would be possible for us to place the charm over your own home in Godric's Hollow."

"Why didn't you suggest this before?"

"Once the charm is placed over the location you will be completely isolated; only yourselves and your secret keeper will be aware of your location."

"That'd be you, Padfoot," James looked over at Sirius.

"Under the circumstances, perhaps it is best that I take that role," Dumbledore offered, "Voldemort is far more likely to conclude that Sirius is the secret keeper."

"Thanks, Professor," James shook his head, "But I'd rather it were Sirius."

Dumbledore looked uncertain for a moment, glancing in Lily's direction. She held his look for a moment before she lowered her eyes to Harry, giving him another squeeze.

"Very well. Under the circumstances this is the best way to ensure the safety of yourselves and your son," Dumbledore went on, "We should keep this between the four of us until the charm has been cast; it is best that only a handful of people know. As you are all aware there is a spy within the order; we would not want Voldemort to become aware of the plan and attack prior to the spell taking place."

"When will that be?"

"Within the next fortnight; certainly before Halloween. You ought to use this time to prepare yourselves; perhaps write any letters and arrange any final goodbyes; but remember, it is important that no one is aware of what we plan to do next."

XXX

"Two weeks?" Remus lifted Harry onto his lap from the floor, giving him a smile as he did so, "And we won't see you again until after the war's over?"

"Not until You-Know-Who's dead and buried," James confirmed, "That, or until Harry's old enough to come and finish him off."

"Does Sirius know?"

"Yeah. He'll be Secret-Keeper. Told Wormtail too, he came by this morning."

"Should you have told so many people? Didn't Professor Dumbledore say it was better to keep it quiet?"

"Yeah. Not like I can't trust you guys though, is it?" James grinned, shoving him on the shoulder as he did so, "Got no doubt that you'd willingly walk to your death for me."

"Remus," Lily walked into the room, "Have you spoken to Peter recently? He doesn't seem himself."

Remus shook his head, "I haven't seen either of them. I've been pretty busy with...well, you know," he bounced Harry on his knee, eliciting a delight laugh.

Lily smiled, sitting down next to him. Dumbledore had given them a room within the castle to hide while they prepared to go into deep hiding. She almost felt as if she were a student again; that the years and all the terrible things that had happened since they left hadn't taken place. She and Remus would be studying over their textbooks, getting ready for NEWTs while Sirius and James fooled around without so much as glancing at the books; both of them always managing to get an Exceeds Expectations regardless.

Or further back than that; she and Severus sitting by the lake, sharing stories about what had went on that day. Laughing at the stupidity of their classmates; both of them refusing to acknowledge the differences between them, their houses. The trouble they faced when they returned to their dorms at night for spending time with the other.

This was where it all started; Hogwarts. Under the Sorting hat.

Looking back, it seemed as if that old hat was deciding so much more than what house you'd be sorted into. It was deciding which side of the war you were going to be on. It was deciding which house would best prepare you for that role; an Order Member or a Death Eater. There were some who escaped both choices; but no one escaped an allegiance. Everyone chose a side; and few strayed from that which the hat had picked.

Lily remembered Regulus Black; Severus' friend who had tried to change. How that had ended for him. Did fate really have a plan for us all? Was it possible to make your own destiny? To turn your back on the one that was planned?

She looked at Harry, whom fate had chosen such a horrible path. One she wished he would not have to follow. Could he escape it? Or was it her son's responsibility to repair the damage her generation had made?

XXX

Severus was exhausted by the time he had managed to drag himself to the Headmaster's office, following his most recent meeting. His body still shook with the pain of the cruciatus that he had faced. It seems the Dark Lord had been unimpressed with the lack of information he had managed to provide him with; particularly in comparison with what his other, more useful spy, had managed to procure.

"The Dark Lord has asked that I gather more information regarding the Fidelius Charm."

Dumbledore, who had been shamelessly using legilimency on him since he had walked through the door, averted his eyes at Severus' statement; thus confirming what he had feared. That someone close to the Potters, very close, was giving information to the Dark Lord.

"You plan to hide them under the Fidelius? You must do so immediately."

"The plan is already in motion, Severus."

"Who else knew about this?"

"That is none of your concern," Dumbledore stood, "If that is all."

"All?" Severus stood up, his eyes dark with anger, "If that's all? No, I'm afraid it's not, old man. You're supposed to be protecting her."

"Let us not forget who is responsible for her current predicament, Severus," Dumbledore said, his tone cool, "There is only so much that can be done. The Potters have chosen who to trust. Unfortunately they are often too trusting of those that are undeserving."

"You've known about this spy for months," Severus ignored the implied insult, "You should have been doing more to find him. Now –"

"It would do you well to calm yourself. For now, they are all perfectly safe within my care."

"But for how long?" Severus snapped, feeling anything but calm, "What do you care if they die, anyway? You stood by, didn't do anything to help when Regulus Black came to you for help."

"My relationship with the Potters is far different from my relationship with the late Mr Black, as you are well aware."

Severus' fist clenched at his side as he imagined striking the old man; wishing that he could do so. His refusal to show any remorse, any sorrow, for what had happened to Regulus infuriated him. Though not nearly as much as the fact that he had let his chance to save him slip through his fingers; that Regulus had actually come to him for help, and then been turned away. It more than infuriated him; the anger was raging within him.

Severus drew in a deep breath, willing himself to keep his emotions under control. What could would it do to insult Dumbledore, really? What could it possible accomplish, to become some emotional, out of control wreck? Not only did it change nothing, the last thing he needed was for Dumbledore to become aware of the extent of his friendship with Regulus and then give him something else to hold over him.

That was the worst thing about it. The worst thing about caring about anyone; it was just another weak point. Something else someone else can use against you to get what they want.

"Now, if you don't mind Severus, I have work to do. I am sure you have preparation for tomorrow's classes?"

Severus glanced at him a moment and Dumbledore appeared to cease the moment to enter his mind again. Severus quickly blocked him, maintaining his occlumency protection against him; they were done with business now. What right did he have to try and see what he was thinking?

He left the room without another word, though Lily remained heavily on his mind. It was moments such as these that he realised just how helpless he was; that no matter how hard he tried, no matter what he did to prevent any harm coming to her; he might not be able to stop it.

It was unthinkable. A world without her. But it wasn't impossible. The Dark Lord was getting closer. And she was slipping even further away.


	64. Deliverance III

Chapter Fifty-Four

"Remus is the spy. I'm sure of it."

Lily felt her chest tighten as she heard Sirius' voice in the other room; the main room of the chambers Dumbledore had allocated to them at Hogwarts. She made to go to them but Harry tightened his hold on her hand, urging her to remain with him until he settled. She used her wand to flick the door open further, so she could hear the conversation between the two men.

"It's not. It can't be," James was denying the accusation, though his tone lacked the assurance that his voice usually held, "Maybe someone else overheard –"

"I saw him talking to Lucius Malfoy," Sirius' was insistent, "He shook his hand, for Merlin's sake! It's him! You can't deny it now; the signs have been there for months!"

"Come on, Sirius, this is Moony we're talking about."

"He's not the same; he's changed since Dumbledore sent him undercover. Maybe they promised him something. You know how it is for...for werewolves. Look at all the werewolves on You-Know-Who's side. He must be promising them something; and Remus has always –"

"He's our friend. He'd die for us."

"No. He wouldn't James. You haven't seen him for months, not out there. You've only seen him, what, once a fortnight since you've been hiding? I see him almost every day and I'm telling you, he's not the same guy."

Harry yawned, rolling onto his side, drawing Lily's attention back to him. She swallowed, her stomach twisting sickeningly as she considered Sirius' words. As much as she hated to admit it, she had began having doubts as to Remus' allegiances as well; ever since his confrontation with James a few months before. Sirius was right, he wasn't the same. He wasn't as warm as he had been in the past; he rarely stayed long on his visits. His mind always seemed elsewhere; somewhere dark.

But, like James, she had made excuses for him in her mind. After all, hadn't she changed since the war began? Wasn't she more withdrawn, less good-humoured; every day expecting bad news, news that someone she knew and cared about had died. Such news was no longer shocking, it was no longer considered surprising that someone was dead; it was expected. And everyone just waited around wondering who would be next.

After everything that had happened, she wondered if anything could shock her anymore.

"Look, James, you've got to face it. It's me, it's Remus or it's Peter. And, I mean, come on, _Peter? _And you know it's not me. And if you have any doubt about that, then you may as well kill me right now."

"Don't be daft."

She ensured Harry was asleep, before she got to her feet and headed through to the room. James was shaking his head, not looking at anyone, his jaw set determinedly.

"It's not Remus," he repeated again, "He wouldn't."

"Who else could it be?" Sirius grabbed his arm, looking desperate, "James, come on. He's changed, you know he has. Of all of us - all the signs are there – you have to see it James!"

James drew in a breath, then raised his eyes to her. He held her look for a moment before speaking, "What do you think, Lil'?"

Lily held his eyes for a moment, before looking away, thinking more on it. It couldn't be Remus. But even more than that, it couldn't be Peter. And it wasn't Sirius, she knew without a doubt that it wasn't. And Peter was just so...loyal. The idea that the boy that idolised James so much would do that was unbelievable. Even more so than the idea that it was Remus.

But Remus was her friend. Out of the three of them, he was the only one who was really _her _friend; the other two were James', just James'. Would Remus betray her like that? Her and James?

But then, she knew that vulnerable people could be tempted by him; by the man who was hunting them. Wasn't that what had happened to Severus? He had been vulnerable; believed his life to be hopeless; had craved respect and acceptance. Perhaps Remus had been offered the same thing; he was just a vulnerable as Severus, really.

Maybe it hadn't started as that, as a betrayal of them. Maybe he'd just got in too deep; like Regulus Black.

Good people could be tempted too; that was just one of the things she'd learned when she met Severus again. Good people could lose themselves in this war.

Lily looked back at James, who was watching her silently; "James, I...I love him as much as you do. But...maybe, I don't know. Maybe he just got in too deep."

James looked down, staring quietly for a moment, before he looked back up at her, "You think it's him? Really?"

"I don't know," she whispered, feeling tears prickle in her eyes as she verbalised her doubts against him, one of her closest friends.

"But you know better than Peter, right?" Sirius stated, without doubt, "We can't just sit about, thinking how terrible it would be if it was Remus. The evidence is there; the facts are _right in front of us._ We need to get on with this; we need to do it, now. The Fidelius Charm, we can't wait."

"Just calm down, Sirius," James covered his face, his tone exasperated, "We need time to –"

"We don't have time! Don't you get it, this is your _life! _It's Lily's life and it's Harry life! As soon as You-Know-Who finds out where you are, if he hasn't already, then that's it!"

Lily felt a stab of panic, as she was once again reminded of the stakes; Harry's life. That's what all this was about. As much as she wanted to have faith in Remus, Sirius was right; all the evidence, all logic pointed to him. And she couldn't stake her son's life against it.

"Sirius is right," she nodded, her voice shaky, leading James to look her way. She turned her attention to him fully, "He's right, James. This is Harry's life. We can't take risks with that, we just can't. And what he's saying about Remus is true; he has changed. He's different, he's withdrawn. We...we don't have that closeness with him that we used to; maybe...I don't know, I mean, he's out there every day. He's going to all these dark places, alone. Maybe he lost hope."

"So what, he turns his back on us? Betrays us? Puts our son's life on the line because he's lost hope? You really think that?"

"You've seen what this war can do to people, James. I know I have. Good people lose themselves; they lose hope; they lose everything."

"He was with Malfoy, I'm telling you," Sirius went on, "Look, maybe Lily's right. Maybe he never wanted this. But that's what happening and you need to stop and think about what you're risking here."

James glanced between them for a moment, before he lowered his eyes back to the floor. Lily knew they had won the argument; knew that James had accepted defeat. But even then, there was no triumph in the room over the determination. All three of them stood with heavy hearts; all three of them regretful as they thought on Remus' betrayal.

XXX

"Sirius? Really?" Remus had looked almost concerned as she told him.

She had nodded, not looking at him, for she had been avoiding eye contact with him almost his entire visit, "Yes. Dumbledore offered but –"

"You should go with Dumbledore. Won't You-Know-Who guess that it was Sirius?"

Lily had hesitated, frowning slightly at the suggestion. But then she had forced any doubt away; of course Remus would say something like that. He would need to keep up appearances, even if he were the spy, so as not to draw suspicion. But even then Lily wasn't sure about the plan James and Sirius had come up with; to trick him into believing Sirius was the Secret Keeper, when they were going to use Peter. Really, the two had essentially sacrificed Sirius to You-Know-Who in order to protect them; and it wasn't something she was comfortable with. Nor was James. But Sirius had, again, faced them with the possible alternative; Harry's death.

And, when it came down to it, the three of them were all willing to die for him. And all three of them were willing to let the others die for him, even if they did not want it.

"Maybe. But we've decided. It's going to be Sirius."

Remus believed her and the three had said goodbye.

But she didn't hate him. She had understood. Something had changed within her. Something had made her understand why he would have turned. And she knew what it was.

It was Severus.

It was knowing him and knowing all he had been through. Knowing all the mistakes he had made; mistakes he had regretted and tried desperately to fix. Knowing the choices he had made in desperation; when he thought he had nothing to lose; when he thought there was nothing left. When it all looked so hopeless.

And the combination of the two; of seeing him lose himself to the darkness within him, of seeing the same happening to Remus, it made her see things clearly, really clearly, for the first time. It made her understand.

Severus had lost himself in the war. Had given in to the darkest parts of him, the parts in all of them, at a time when he thought he'd lost everything; right after she had left him the second time. And he had regretted it and had tried, was still trying, to put it right. To prevent the damage that would be wreaked because of the prophecy.

He was spying for Dumbledore; he was spying for _her._ And she had seen how broken Remus had become doing it. Had seen how terrifying, how lonely it was. But for him it was worse; though they may be Death Eaters, they were his friends. They were people who had accepted him. These people he was betraying; he was doing it for her.

The reality of what had happened, what was happening now; what he was doing for her and what he had done. The realisation of why it all was happening was almost ground shattering to her.

They were going into hiding the next day.

She had to see him before that.

She had to see him again.


	65. Deliverance IV

Chapter Fifty-Five

Severus didn't hate teaching.

Despised would be the more appropriate term. Particularly considering the current circumstances. He couldn't believe how imbecilic people could be, even if they were only children. Surely they must be aware of the direness of the situation in the Wizarding World; their parents could not keep them completely ignorant of it. And yet every class was filled with complete morons who either spent their time muttering under their breath about _his _incompetence (mostly the older groups, who all remembered Potter and Black), wasting their time playing pathetic pranks on one another or simply failed to understand the importance of developing a brain before they would have to get out in the world and face the Dark Lord themselves. Or Dumbledore, depending on their allegiances, he supposed.

And he found no escape from their foolishness even outside of the classrooms, for every night he would have some assignment to grade; partly due to the compulsory coursework, partly due to the assignments given as punishments for their insolence. It infuriated him; he couldn't even successfully demand respect from children. He supposed he couldn't blame them; he, too, would find it difficult to take a professor seriously if, just years before, he had seen him as a child himself, hanging upside down with his underwear on display. Once again, James Potter's shadow haunted him.

Tonight, he was grading a particularly dry subject matter; however the comments made by the students writing it were making it even more insufferable a task than it ought to be. He was tempted to simply write a 'T' at the top of every paper without wasting his time reading them however forced himself to remember that they _were _at war and that he was responsible for ensuring they would be ready for it when it came.

A knock sounded at his chambers, startling him. He glanced at the door, then at the timepiece with a frown; 3.15am. Who would come to his chambers so late?

He stood, still frowning in bewilderment. Since he had come to live at the castle almost two months ago no one had come to his door; Dumbledore would simply summon him by the fire or, occasionally, send a note his way telling him to come to him.

He pulled the door open, not at all surprised when there was no one on the other side. But he _was _annoyed. Really, had the students stooped so low as to sneak out of bed and play chicken at his chambers? He stepped out into the hall, striding irritably along the corridor towards the main staircase. He looked up it with a scowl, knowing that the culprit would be long gone by now. With an irritated exhale, he turned and strode back down the corridor and into his chambers, slamming the door behind him.

"Little brats."

He was almost growling as he sat back down behind the desk, scraping it loudly across the floor as he pulled himself in closer to the desk. He shook his head, the incident irritating him more than it reasonably should have; they were just children, after all. And it was late; he was tired but he could rarely sleep through the nights anymore anyway. He lifted his quill, making to start again, before he paused. He had the strange feeling that someone was watching him.

He lifted his eyes from the parchment before him, glancing around the room, suspiciously. He was sure he heard the light shuffling of clothing. He dropped the quill and was on his feet, wand in hand in an instant; "Who's there?" he snapped.

He heard a soft exhale and frowned; the sound of it so familiar. A moment later, the intruder pulled aside an invisibility cloak and revealed their face to him; Lily.

She stared back at him, having only removed the top of the cloak from herself, her eyes revealing nothing as she did so. A moment later she brushed the rest of the cloak from her body, revealing herself to him completely, and he could only stare in silence, completely stunned, as she did so.

She was here.

Lily was _here._

He couldn't quite wrap his mind around the fact; the fact that she was actually standing in front of him. It had been so long, too long, since he had last seen her. He stepped towards her and, when he did so, she looked away, breaking eye contact and thereby breaking the spell her reveal had cast over him.

He frowned, reality suddenly slapping him in the face.

"_Muffliato. _Lily, what are you doing here?" his voice shook as he asked, and he quickly stepped towards the door, casting a series of wards over it, "How did you get here? Does Dumbledore –"

"He's been hiding us here," she told him and hearing her voice almost knocked the wind out of him, "In the castle."

He could only stare in disbelief, no idea what else to say. There were so many things he _wanted _to say; to beg for forgiveness for what he had done; to ask how she was, aside from being in hiding; was she happy? Was she sad? He still remembered finding her by the river over a year ago, completely miserable only a few months into her marriage. Did Potter make her happy now? Was the child still a nuisance?

Had she been hiding here all along?

After what happened the last time he saw her, he never thought he would see her, willingly on her part, ever again. And that, coupled with the danger they were in from the Dark Lord and the fact he thought she was lost to him under the Fidelius Charm, made this scenario all the more shocking to him.

"Lily," he stepped towards her again, "What are you...why are you here?"

She looked nervous, avoiding his eyes, looking around the room, "He's going to hide us under the Fidelius Charm. Did you know?"

Severus nodded, "They told me."

"They?"

Severus hesitated a moment, before he nodded again, meaningfully, "Both of them."

Lily nodded, looking down, "Oh. Yes, a spy told You-Know-Who."

"I know."

"Are..." she lifted her eyes to his, looking at him carefully, "You're still spying? For Dumbledore?"

Severus glanced around the room, "As you see."

She nodded, looking down again.

The two of them stood silently for a moment. Him looking at her. She looking at the floor. The atmosphere was uncomfortable, as if neither knew what to say; but he didn't care. He only looked at her, drinking in the sight of her again, after so long. She had come to him. _She _had come to _him. _Did that mean she had forgiven him?

Or was something wrong? Did she need something?

"Is something wrong, Lily?" he asked, suddenly concerned at his last thought.

Lily drew in a breath and, when she raised her eyes back to his, they were wet with tears. He took a step forward instinctively, but then stopped; he didn't know if she would want him to approach. She gave him a humourless smile and then shrugged;

"I think you already know the answer to that."

Severus held her look, torn between complete bewilderment at her reasons for being there and the desire to go to her and take her in his arms. He had known she was safe, that she was alive and well, or existing at least, in the world. But knowing wasn't the same as seeing; it wasn't the same as looking upon her, as touching her and knowing that she was okay.

But that would be beyond inappropriate, considering how things were. And yet his confusion was only heightened by the lack of hostility or disgust in her eyes. Her eyes seemed to only convey sadness. No other emotion was present and he was suddenly aware of how tired she looked; and that she looked noticeably older now than she had done less than a year ago. The spark in her eyes was gone; the lightness with which she used to carry herself was no longer there.

"Lily," he titled his head, looking at her closely, "Is...do you need m...do you need something? Can I do something?"

She met his eyes again and then smiled, this time genuine, and then shook her head, "No," she seemed to hesitate, before she went on, "You're already doing enough."

His brow furrowed a moment, not really sure what she meant.

She sighed and seemed to break out of a spell she was under, walking by him towards his desk. She glanced over it a moment, her eyes resting on the photograph of himself and Regulus that sat upon it. He felt suddenly embarrassed at the obvious sentimentality of the photo; he hadn't expected that anybody would ever see his desk and the picture.

"Severus," Lily turned to face him, seeming more animated than before, "We're going into hiding tomorrow."

Severus swallowed, not really sure how to respond.

"I don't know for how long...it's going to be for a while. Maybe..." she shrugged, "Maybe a really long time."

"It's already been a long time since I last saw you," Severus pointed out, as much as he wanted to avoid bringing up his past indiscretions, the awkwardness of the conversation was starting to affect him; and he'd rather have her shouting and screaming at him again than standing before him, a shell of the woman she used to be.

She nodded at his statement, "I know. It has," she sighed, "Look, I...I said things that night. Things that...things that I didn't mean –"

"It's okay, Lily," he held up a hand, "You don't have to –"

"I do, Sev."

Severus looked at her sharply at the use of the nickname, wondering if he dared himself to hope.

She clasped her hands together, tightly, for a moment, drawing in a deep breath, before she stepped towards him, "Look. I...I get it. I do. I understand why you did it. And...and..."

Severus looked at her expectantly, awaiting her next statement. She shook her head, looking frustrated, as if she didn't know what she really wanted to say.

"Did you come here to say goodbye?" he asked, finally.

She looked at him sharply, the finality in his statement obviously affecting her. She brushed the hair back from her face, "No. Not...well...yeah, I suppose. But it was more than that."

"Lily," he finally gave into what his heart had been begging him to do from the start and stepped close to her, standing in front of her. She looked up at him, her expression neither welcoming nor turning him away, "Lily, I'm sorry. More than sorry, I'm..."

"I know," she interrupted, "I know you are. And I know...I know what you've done, what you're still doing, to try and make it right. I mean it, Sev; I understand. I...it wasn't your fault."

Severus was startled at the statement.

"I mean, it wasn't wholly your fault," she sighed, looking down, "It was both of ours. I remember how it was back then, I remember...I remember everything. And everything that we did, back then, even back at school, in this place, it all led us to that; more than that, it's led us to this."

She looked up at him, her eyes meeting his, "I don't blame you. At least, not anymore."

Severus swallowed, his heart hammering in his chest at what she was saying. He wasn't quite sure what it meant. Were they friends again? Did she forgive him? Is that what she was saying?

"What are you trying to say, Lily?"

She sighed, "Sev, I...I don't want to go without you knowing that...that I forgive you. And that I'm grateful, really, there's nothing that can really say just _how _grateful I am for what you're doing for us...for me," she added.

He released a breath he didn't know he was holding. She gave him a small smile. He swallowed and smiled back.

Lily glanced back in the direction of the photograph, "I heard about Regulus Black. I...I know you were close. I'm sorry."

Severus averted his eyes, only nodding in acknowledgement of her statement. Before he looked back at her, carrying on with their earlier topic, "Have you been hiding here the whole time, Lily?"

She frowned slightly, "He...Dumbledore hasn't been telling you?"

"No. Of course not," he gave a tiny grin, "I don't think he wants me to have anything to do with you, to be honest. But even he sees the value in having me as a spy."

"He's been moving us about. He brought us here a few weeks ago, after we were discovered by Death Eaters; Bellatrix Lestrange was one of them."

"I see."

"Has...has he, You-Know-Who, is he still determined to find us? He still believes Harry is a threat to him?"

Severus noticed the almost pleading look in her eyes, begging him to tell her that, no, he wasn't. That he had found something else to obsess over. That there was hope for them. But the truth was that the Dark Lord was more determined to find them than ever; and the fact that they were in active hiding from him was making him ever more desperate. But he couldn't tell her that. So he only nodded; which was enough for her to look away with that same hopelessness in her eyes that had been present when she first revealed herself.

He cautiously reached out, taking one of her hands in his. When she didn't pull it away he added; "Lily. We're doing everything we can; he's not going to find you, not when you're under the Fidelius."

A tear slipped down her cheek, her hand tightening in his as she met his eyes, "Sev," she whispered, "I'm so scared." She bit her lip as it trembled, as she struggled not to break down.

Feeling bolder, he reached up, stroking her hair, "It's okay. Dumbledore's going to protect you. The Dark Lord's afraid of him for a reason; if anyone can protect you, he can. Just do whatever he says, alright?"

She closed her eyes, a couple more tears spilling, and nodded her head, before she pressed her forehead against his chest. He accepted her invitation immediately, releasing her hand and slipping his arm around her, holding her close, continuing the stroke her hair and press a kiss to her head. She was almost completely silent as she cried against him; it was only the feel of the dampness of his robes that confirmed that she was.

After a few moments she drew in a trembling breath, reached up and brushed the tears away and drew back from him, only a few steps so she was still close. He reluctantly let his hands falls to his sides, releasing her.

She looked over him, searchingly, "How are you, Sev? Are you okay?"

He nodded, "I'm fine."

She raised a sceptical eyebrow at him. He only smiled sheepishly in response.

"Are you afraid?"

He hesitated, before he shrugged, "I'm not afraid of dying."

Lily held his look a moment, before she said, barely audibly, "I am."

"You don't have to be. You're going to be fine." He spoke with certainty because the alternative was unthinkable. _He _wasn't afraid of dying himself; but the idea of _her _dying was terrifying to him and he felt the strong urge to take her back into his arms and never let her go.

"I..." she gave another humourless smile and a shrug, "I really don't want to die."

"That's good," Severus stated, with a grin, though he didn't find the turn of conversation amusing at all, "Most people don't. That's normal."

She smiled, a small puff of laughter escaping her, and she shook her head. She sighed and stepped forward, her taking his hands this time, "I really want you to be okay too. Don't...don't do anything stupid, okay?"

"Well...it's a bit late for that."

"You know what I mean," she swallowed, "If...if something does happen –"

"Just stop," Severus held up a hand, "Don't even go there, Lily."

The two of them were silent for a moment and he wondered if she was struggling as much as he was to find the right things to say. He had imagined this for months, seeing her again, talking with her, holding her. And that she had come to him, had forgiven him was beyond what he had ever hoped would happen if he were to ever see her again. And now that both had, he was lost for words.

"Severus."

Her voice brought him from his thoughts and he looked at her once again.

"I miss you."

He sighed, releasing her hands and reaching up, placing his on her shoulders, squeezing and rubbing her upper arms, "I miss you too."

She was looking at him, her eyes glancing over his face for a moment, stopping at his lips. She leaned in closer and he felt his heart skip a beat; but she hesitated and then drew back, seeming to change her mind. He swallowed down his disappointment, careful not to push her. How long had it been since he had kissed her? Not since before she became Mrs Potter. Their problems back then seemed almost ridiculous compared to the ones they were facing now.

"We think Remus is the spy."

"Lupin?" Severus was sceptical and almost scoffed at the idea, "What would make you think that?"

"The signs are there. We had been wondering for a while, a few months. Last week Sirius saw him talking with Lucius Malfoy."

"Lucius?" Severus looked curious, "He hasn't mentioned him," he raised an eyebrow, "Are you sure Black isn't the culprit?"

Lily smiled and rolled her eyes, seeming to think his suggestion was a joke, "He and James are like brothers. There's no way."

"The Dark Lord may have promised him something in return," he suggested, "Perhaps he offered to spare Potter in exchange for the child."

"Let's not get into this," Lily sighed, looking exasperated, "I just thought you might like to know. Maybe you could keep an eye out."

"I thought you and Lupin were close?"

"We were."

"Yet you think him capable of betraying you?"

Lily looked troubled for a moment, as if the idea wasn't quite comprehensible to her, however she didn't say anything more.

Deciding not to push it, he shrugged, "I suppose it doesn't matter, now that you're going under the Fidelius Charm. Dumbledore's your secret keeper, right?"

She averted her eyes.

"Lily?"

"Yes," she nodded, looking back at him, "Of course he is."

Severus looked at her suspiciously, "No he's not. You're lying," a horrible thought came to him, "It's Black, isn't it?" he almost spat the name out, "Lily –"

"Severus, don't," she said, firmly, "It's all arranged."

"Lily, please," Severus became desperate, "You can't put your lives in that, that _bastard's _hands. Please, you have to use Dumbledore."

"We trust Sirius, Severus," she stated, "_I _trust him."

"Well I don't!" he grasped her hands, "Lily, this is your life we're talking about here."

"I didn't think you trusted Dumbledore."

"I trust him more than Black!"

"I should go."

"No," he quickly grabbed her arm, as she tried to walk by, stilling her movements, "No. Don't. Please." The idea that Black, of all people, was their secret keeper only made him more desperate to protect her and more terrified at the thought of losing her.

Didn't she understand? The idea that she was in a danger haunted him every minute of the day, both sleeping and waking, and his only reason for dragging himself through the hell that was his life for the past year was to ensure that that danger would never find her. She was the most important thing; she's was _everything _to him. He needed her to understand that.

And then he realised it was simple. And it was something he had never told her. After all they had been through, he had never told her.

"I love you, Lily."

From her spot at his side, she looked at him, sharply. His heart thudded in his chest, as he awaited her reaction. She had said it before to him, more than once. He had never said it to her; and times had been different when she said it to him. So much had happened since then. So many reasons why the confession would no longer be welcome.

She swallowed and then turned, he doing the same, and faced him. She seemed hesitant, unsure of herself, and then she stepped in closer, leaning up and pressing her lips to his. He felt her hand on his cheek, her lips gentle, almost chaste as they caressed his. He reached up, running his fingers through her hair, returning her kiss with the same gentleness. And too soon she had pulled away. She leaned her forehead against his, keeping close.

"I love you too, Sev."

She stayed close for a moment, before she pulled away and walked over to the chair, lifting the invisibility cloak from it. And as he watched her make her way from him he was reminded of two children playing by the river, endless summers in Spinners End and cold nights huddled in the Astronomy Tower. Of the two of them lying in his bed, talking about nothing and everything. Of kissing beneath fireworks on new year's day.

With everything within him, he wished to go back, right back. Back to Spinners End, a time before Hogwarts and it was just a muggleborn and a half-blood turning leaves into butterflies and stones into flowers. He wanted a second chance. A chance to do it all again; to make the right choices.

But there were no second chances, his mind reminded him, as Lily looked at him once more. For the last time.

"Bye, Sev."

He swallowed, his chest tight.

"Goodbye, Lily."

And then she pulled the cloak over her head and disappeared before him. He lifted the wards and allowed her to leave.

There were no second chances.

There was only goodbye.


	66. Deliverance V

Chapter Fifty-Six

_Dear Sev,_

_It's Halloween. Do you remember our first Halloween together? When we dressed up as a witch and a wizard and found it oh-so-funny that no one realised what we were, even though we were showing them right to their faces? Back then it was like magic was our thing, just you and me; this huge secret that no one would ever know._

_I was only just starting to believe that what you were telling me was true, that we were magical. It seems so silly now; to think that back then I didn't even believe in magic, never mind that one day it would end up becoming my whole life._

_It's been over a week since we went into hiding. The longer we're here the less afraid I become. It's sort of liberating. But not too much, since we can't leave the house. Dumbledore asked for the Invisibility Cloak back; he only just gave it back about a month ago after the last time he borrowed it. But when he took it he gave me this look; I think he knows something, maybe he found out about me using it to come and see you. I don't know. But either way, there's no chance of that happening again. We won't be seeing Dumbledore for a while._

XXX

It was their last goodbye, the last time he had seen her. He knew that well enough. He knew that he would never see her again. But that didn't make the fact any more bearable; he had started missing her before the door had even closed behind her. But he supposed that was something he would have to live with everyday now; it was something he would have to get used to.

He glanced over at Draco Malfoy, who whizzed by him on a toy broom. Lucius had been quiet since he had come through the door. He supposed it had something to do with the fact that he hadn't been in the house at all that year. Not since the day after Regulus had died. It was too hard back then; almost everything had reminded him of his friend and the fact that he was gone. But nothing more so than being in Malfoy Manor and, more especially, in the company of Narcissa, whose whole demeanour had appeared to darken following the incident.

They were all different though, weren't they? None of them were the same as they had been two years ago. Even he had become more dispirited, more cynical, and if someone who had known him two years ago had been told as much they would have laughed and wondered if that were even possible. But apparently it was. Apparently everything could always get worse.

But Lily was safe. As the days had become a week, he finally allowed himself to relax and accept that maybe Sirius Black could be trusted with the task of being their Secret Keeper. After all, the Dark Lord would not have waited so long to attack. And now that she was under the Fidelius Charm, there was no way he would find her; so long as Black remained loyal to them.

"Goodnight, Severus," Narcissa smiled at him, as she carried Draco from the room.

"Goodnight," he inclined his head, politely, as the door clicked shut behind them. He glanced back at Lucius, who was regarding him with an unreadable expression. He held his look for a moment, before he started to wonder if he was being disrespectful, and then averted his eyes. He could feel his old friend's eyes on him a moment longer, before he walked over to the drinks cabinet and began pouring two glasses of firewhisky.

Severus considered rejecting the offering of a glass, however there was something strange going on between them, so he accepted.

"You have been acting very strangely these last few months, Severus."

Severus hesitated and then took a sip from his drink, prolonging the silence for a few moments longer, "I have?"

"I put it down to Regulus' death. I know you were fond of him."

Severus took a bigger gulp from his glass, finishing the drink in the process. Lucius lifted the bottle and refilled the glass fom him.

"And then I assumed it might have something to do with Mrs Potter's predicament."

Severus nervously took another drink from his glass, warning bells starting to ring in his mind. He avoided his eyes, not sure if he could keep his composure as the line of questioning continued. It was ridiculous; he faced the Dark Lord everyday and managed to conceal his true allegiances under that pressure, in the face of death. But something about this, about being confronted by a friend, his only friend really, now that Lily was lost to him, was disconcerting and he suddenly wished he had just stuck out the Halloween feast at Hogwarts; no matter how infuriating his students were.

"You have been very calm during the past week, following the Potters' new method of concealment. Which brought me to my more recent conclusion."

"Lucius –"

"And we've known that there has been a spy for months."

"I don't –"

"Surely you didn't think I wouldn't figure it out?"

Severus forced himself to meet his eyes and almost looked away again immediately at the look of disappointment, at the look of wounded betrayal that was in the other man's eyes. He drew in a breath and attempted to explain, though he knew there was nothing to say. Lucius had never understood what he and Lily had; had never understood how he felt.

"I didn't mean to –"

Lucius held up a hand and he stopped talking; for he really wasn't sure what he was going to say anyway.

Lucius held his look a moment and when he spoke, his tone was soft, quiet, "You would betray all your friends?" his brow furrowed for a moment, "You would betray us all? For her?"

Severus swallowed and averted his eyes again, still not sure what he was supposed to say.

XXX

_Has he been hard on you since we left? I hope he's eased up a bit, now that he's done what he promised you what else could he hold over your head, really? When we were staying here a few months ago, we had visits from this very kind old lady, Bathilda, I don't know if you've ever met her. She would tell us stories about him; what he was like when he was young. Things he had done. It might please you to hear that he wasn't always so wise and noble; he's just a normal person like us. He had his faults; some which may rival even ours. But I won't go into detail about that. Perhaps in a few months, or years, if you remain with him that long, the two of you will become good friends and I wouldn't want to take away any bonding opportunities the two of you may have._

_I know you don't trust him. But I think you can. I really think you could have the life you always wanted if you just put your faith in him. But then I know how difficult –_

Lily flipped the parchment over as James walked into the room. He raised his eyebrows and gave her a smile, glancing in the direction of the cot where Harry was sleeping;

"Did he go down alright?"

"Like a light. No fuss at all."

"That's good."

She nodded in response, her heart beating a little faster when he glanced in the direction of the writing utensils.

"Writing another letter?"

"To Petunia," she lied easily.

James accepted the response without question and she felt a pang of guilt at how quickly he trusted her. She forced the feeling away and pushed the letter underneath a pile of blank parchment. She would finish the letter later.

"Fancy a game of chess?" James asked, his tone light, "I already set it up."

"Yeah. Sure."

And the two left the door open so they could hear Harry if he stirred and made their way to the living room, settling down to a game. The two of them had settled into an easier living pattern since they had been moved. Though they were still agitated at being closed in; the fear was gone now. And so they could relax, be themselves a little more. The release of tension was doing them good. She enjoyed his company more now. More than she had in a while, perhaps since before they were married. Though there were still treacherous little thoughts that occasionally popped into her mind uncalled for. Thoughts such as;

Severus Snape taught you how to play Wizarding Chess on your first trip on the Hogwarts Express.

She almost sighed when she thought it, lifting a pawn from the board.

And then knock sounded at the door; the door that no one should be able to see.

XXX

"Did Regulus know?"

"Of course not."

It was an easily lie. Not really necessary. What harm could it possibly do to Regulus now; he was free of them. Free of consequence and punishment. But the idea of his memory being tarnished in any way was abhorrent; so he lied. Why not? It was second nature to him now.

"Even lying about the things that don't even matter, are we?" Lucius seemed to see right through him.

"Leave Regulus out of it. He had nothing to do with it."

"I don't doubt that. The boy was a coward."

"Regulus isn't here to defend himself; it seems unfair of you to attack his memory when he doesn't have that chance, don't you think?"

"You and I have been friends for a decade," Lucius stated in a clipped tone, "Let's not talk about 'fair', shall we. Or loyalty. Or honour. Or even, I suppose, friendship."

"The way I feel about Lily has nothing to do with our friendship. It doesn't affect it."

"Does it not?" Lucius raised an eyebrow, looking sceptical, "Tell me, Severus, how many pieces of information that _I _have given you, had you related to Albus Dumbledore? How many conversations, _private _conversations, of ours have you used as a piece of leverage in your '_save Lily_' campaign," he almost sneered at the last few words.

"I have never implicated you. I swear it."

"But you would," Lucius said with certainty, "Wouldn't you? If it would save your mudblood's life, you wouldn't think twice about it."

"That's not true."

"Isn't it?"

Severus hesitated. He didn't know.

But he found that an answer wasn't needed; because at precisely that moment a searing pain shot through his arm and he let forth an unexpected cry of agony, which Lucius matched, and they both fell to the floor. Both clutching their marks, as they writhed in pain. A pain that neither had ever felt before.


	67. Salvation

Chapter Fifty-Seven

It came in waves.

Other times he was just numb.

What were the stages of grief? He wasn't sure. He should remember. Hadn't he already been going through it? What stage was he at? Did that process continue or did this just hit the reset button?

He could only think of silly things. Pointless things. Nothing of consequence.

When did he start letting them call him 'Sev'?

Where was that little freckle he liked? Her left side? Her right?

When was the last time he heard her laugh?

What was that look Regulus gave him before he walked out the door?

Why hadn't he stopped him?

Why had she cried? He couldn't remember.

He only remembered her walking out the door.

Why hadn't he stopped her?

"Severus Snape. Are you even listening to me?"

Severus blinked.

Listen to me.

Did he ever listen?

The clues had been there. For months.

How many hints had Regulus given him? Was he asking him for help?

And Lily. He never listened to her.

"_That was nothing. It was a laugh...What about the things Potter and his mates get up to...I just don't want to see you made a fool of..."_

His own words mocked him.

"Do you understand the seriousness of your situation, Mr Snape? If you do not cooperate –"

"_The Dark Lord is interested in meeting you...just make sure you cooperate...whatever is asked of you..."_

He would never have dreamed he could find himself in a more wretched position than he had when he was eighteen. Seventeen. Sixteen.

How many times could you lose a person?

He'd lost count how many times he had lost her.

Fifth year.

To James Potter.

To Harry Potter.

To –

"Mr Snape!"

Severus slowly raised his eyes to the man facing him. His hands were bound in his lap. His wand was in another room somewhere. He didn't look when they had taken it. He hadn't cared.

"Do not think that Dumbledore's statement guarantees your release. If you do not cooperate with this investigation you _will _be held in contempt."

Severus didn't have the energy, nor did he have the desire to even respond to him.

Did this man dance in the street with the others the night she died? Did he toast to freedom and righteousness and good conquering evil? Did he hail the 'boy-who-lived' and drink to Potter's name?

"Have you ever used an unforgivable against those who opposed You-Know-Who?"

"I have."

"Do you understand that the very act of using an unforgivable, and that act alone, is enough to send you straight to Azkaban?"

"I do."

"You do not appear at all concerned with this charge, Mr Snape."

"I was not aware that I was being charged."

"It is up to myself to make that decision."

"Then make it."

Silence filled the room. Silence. Emptiness. Nothingness. How appropriate.

"Mr Snape, many of those who are currently facing the same charges have offered your name in exchange for leniency."

Severus held the man's gaze, unflinchingly.

"Perhaps there is a name you wish to put forward?"

"_You would betray us all..."_

Severus suddenly remembered the confrontation he had been having with Lucius the night Lily had died. At almost that exact moment; they had been on the verge of argument as the Dark Lord had made his way to her; as he had killed her.

He had lost her.

He had lost them both.

Had lost them all.

Lucius would never forgive him.

He thought of Harry Potter; the baby who had survived. The child who had defeated his master. A child who would grow up without his parents; whose parents had died for him.

And then he thought of Draco; another child who would grow up without a father. Hadn't Lucius also been charged? He was sure he had heard that whispered as he was brought here.

"Mr Snape?"

Severus drew in a breath before he made a choice. Foolish, perhaps. But what else did he have to lose? He truly had nothing left to give.

"Lucius Malfoy."

XXX

Severus didn't think he had ever seen the old man so angry, as he paced the floor of his chambers. He hadn't been charged; he hadn't cared either way but he supposed some good come of it. At least to him. Dumbledore's reaction reminded him that the sentiment certainly wasn't shared by all.

"How dare you take advantage of my testimony; I truly believed that you had changed after seeing your remorse over Lily's death."

Severus raised his glass to his lips.

"I ought to contact the ministry this minute and retract my statement."

"Do as you wish."

Dumbledore looked at him sharply at that; Severus stared into the fire, refusing the meet his eyes. He hadn't looked at the old man since he had confirmed what he had most feared. The old man stepped into his line of vision, his expression thunderous;

"Lucius Malfoy was a Death Eater. A racist and a murderer. How many innocent lives has he taken? You know very well how many, I am sure. And yet you exonerate him with your statement; destroy any evidence - concrete, true evidence - and have him released."

Severus only continued to stare into the fire. He didn't regret it. He didn't regret telling that insufferable auror that he had been the one responsible for imperialising Lucius Malfoy. That the other man's testimony was true.

"What if your statement had not matched that of your _friend? _You would have ended up in Azkaban yourself; and my testimony would have destroyed any credibility I have with the ministry."

The statement was met only with silence.

Dumbledore strode by him; "I shall contact the ministry immediately."

Severus flicked his eyes over the picture of himself and Regulus, sitting upon his desk. Remembered Lily glancing at it. Hadn't Lucius been nearby when the picture was taken?

He swallowed thickly. A new wave preparing to crash.

"Really, Professor?" his voice was quiet and broken and the older man halted in his steps, turning back to look at him; "I don't even get to save one of them?" He was looking in the fire as he said it however when the old man didn't respond, he allowed himself to raise his eyes to his.

For the first time Severus saw something in the old man's eyes that he never had before; a look that the man had never before directed at him. Compassion. And understanding.

But even that didn't matter anymore.

XXX

Severus didn't go to the funeral.

He couldn't face another goodbye.

How many times had they said goodbye?

Later Dumbledore had told them that very few people who had been personal friends of the Potters had been there. But the service was overflowing with those who hadn't known them. Those who wanted to pay their respects to the parents of the infamous child who had saved them all.

What if that child had never been born? Would things have been different? Would the prophecy still have been made? Would he have still delivered it? Would it have been Neville Longbottom who had destroyed him?

Dumbledore had explained to him what Lily had done. Had said that Harry would not have survived had it not been for her sacrifice. Had it not been for love. And had attempted to convince him that that choice would not have been given, had it not been for his request that she be spared.

As if that made it any better.

Harry Potter.

The Boy Who Lived.

The boy who she died for.

Ten years later he would see him for the first time across a crowded room, as the Sorting Hat bellowed out its verdict. As children laughed and sang and ate and talked and marvelled at the wonder of Hogwarts Castle.

Ten years later he would look upon Harry Potter; and he would see only James Potter's face.

Seventeen years later he would lie dying in a shack and he would think about how everything he had ever done had been for nothing. That even after devoting himself to Dumbledore for seventeen years he would still fail to find absolution for his sins. And then he would see Harry Potter, the boy she had died for, and he would finally put an end to what he had started.

Seventeen years later he would look upon Harry Potter; and he would see only Lily Evans' eyes.

**The End**

* * *

Author's Note: 

Well, after three years this story has finally come to an end! Thank you to everyone who has stuck with this story and for all your kind reviews, alerts and favourites. I hope you all enjoyed it and how it has turned out – I know there were some of you adamantly against the story following canon but this was always intended to be a story that we could imagine as actually having happened to Severus and Lily before the books.

For anyone who is interested in a more hopeful resolution for our couple, I have another story that has been started, _'The Long Road Home'_. That story focuses on a relationship between the two of them, Post-War, had Voldemort chosen Neville as the threat, rather than Harry. It also capitalises on the characterisation I made of Regulus in this story (I couldn't help reviving him!); he is featured heavily throughout the new story, as are little Harry, Sirius and Remus. I know some of you have already read and asked about that story, and I do intend to continue with it now that this one is complete.


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